Thoughts on my OH's mindset

[vmcsherry]

Hi there! I haven't posted here in quite a while, mainly due to actually getting a handle on this motherhood thing and also we might be TTC.

I have been thinking about us having another LO for a while and I felt I needed to let my OH know. He had a really hard time dealing with our DD's birth, it was slightly traumatic, and it is still a "sore" subject. He found it hard to shake the memories of the birth and sunk into a depression for about 4 months. I would wake in the night for our LO's feeds and he would be crying. It was pretty horrible to be honest, I felt for a while that he regretted having her although he never said it. Back in January I basically had to have an intervention with him and demanded he get the f*ck over what happened as I needed him back and our daughter needed him. He quit smoking, cut his drinking and started to exercise to take care of himself.

A year later he is doing really well, he adores our LO and it is nearly hard to believe we went through what we did. I brought up wanting to try for another baby and he basically said he was scared sh*tless as he doesn't want what happened the last time to happen again, and there is no guarantees everything would be ok as pregnancy and the birth is so unpredictable. I explained to him that LIFE is unpredictable and the next time we would be prepared for every eventuality.

I asked him basically we wont be having another baby because he is too scared?? He told me not to put that on him. The conversation ended with me asking him if I was disregarding his feelings by wanting to try for another baby or is he being selfish for not wanting another baby because of being scared? He said he didn't know and that was it.

I feel like we are in limbo now as he didnt say he didnt want to try he just said he was scared.

If any of you lovely ladies could give me your thoughts on my situation I would appreciate it! xo

 

[prettybirdy27]

I honestly feel like you've planted a seed in his mind that he will probably think about. I personally would just wait a couple weeks and ask him again.

 

[SpringCrane]

I think it sounds like you both still need to talk things through some more. It sounds like he suffered a bit of PTSD from your birth--did he ever talk to a professional about it? I had a fairly textbook L&D, and I still said I'm so glad I was the one that got to do it instead of having to watch the person I love go through it like my husband had to. I can't imagine what it was like, for either of you, to have something traumatic happen. If, when you are discussing TTC #2, his only hang up is the fear of L&D, I'd suggest him talking to a professional about it. Sounds like he's bonded great with your LO and that he's not opposed to there being a second, just the second arriving. If y'all do decide to try for a second and he hasn't fully dealt with what happened, he might really suffer through your second delivery, even if it's perfectly "normal."

 

[spicyorange]

Has he ever had counselling, sound like it's made a massive impact on him. I guess he is burst scared of losing you. Difficult one to know how to handle

 

[vmcsherry]

Thanks you so much for replying ladies!

The whole family thought he had PTSD, he wouldn't speak to any of his family for nearly 2 months after. I begged him to get counselling or at least speak to someone from the medical profession and he straight up refused saying he didn't trust anyone in the medical field anymore.

He said that it never crossed his mind that something could have gone so seriously wrong or that there was a chance of losing me. I totally understand that and I don't even know how I would be if I had to watch him go through something like that. After our DD was born we both said we would go private the next time. Basically we were treated like a number in the hospital and the doctor that delivered our baby was rough with me and we wouldn't want to go through that again. If we went private and actually paid for the care you would hope the care would be better right?

I'll definitely give it a couple of weeks before I mention it again

 

[Eleanor ace]

Maybe you could book an appointment with your doctor or the high risk MW team to discuss what happened and what can be done to prevent it happening again? I'm assuming your pregnancy will be considered high risk if you have another LO? Due to my DS's delivery my 2nd pregnancy was high risk and I was given the opportunity to meet with a consultant and high risk MW as well as have testing done before ttc again. Obviously if your DH doesn't trust any medical staff this might not be an option but then if you do ttc he will have to accept that you will recieve medical treatment so it is better to ease into it now. It sounds like he could really use come counselling but if that isn't an option how about looking into a support group, maybe online, where he can talk to other people who have had the same experiences?
My DH was a bit nervous about labour the 2nd time around (my experience was overall good but it was stressful for him) so we talked about things that would help him, such as not being at the "business end" (he saw some pretty nasty tearing and blood loss and is a bit squeemis apparently ) and having the MW let him know if things started to be risky for me or the baby, so that he felt more aware of what was going on should an emergency situation arise.
If it was the labour part that scared your DH would having him not be there for labour help do you think? Or would he worry more if he isn't there?

 

[vmcsherry]

After our DDs birth we made an appointment with the doctor that was supposed to deliver our baby to go through the delivery notes and discuss wjat happened. DD was born on a bank holiday so we got stuck with a doctor that was on duty that day. We expressed our concerns and he basically called us liars and said that we needed to make a formal complaint to the health trust if we werent happy with him. My husband spent a week composing a letter stating everything that went down and 3 MONTHS later we get a letter back saying that they investigated the situation and spoke to the doctor that delivered our baby and he basically called us liars as well. Because our baby was born and lived and I survived the delivery then we should be happy . . . end of story. Horrible experience. Nothing like suffering a 3A tear and be told your just one of many so good luck to ya!

Ill have to look into speaking with a high risk doctor/midwife, but I dont know how we could if im not pregnant. Wonder if we could do it privately? Not through the NHS.

There would be a good chance I would need a c-section with the next one, even though its still major surgery at least there wouldnt be the unpredictability of natural childbirth. It was 2 steps forward 3 steps back with DDs delivery and forceps had to used. Hubs could hide behind the curtain with me and I wouldnt be all doped up like the first delivery. Ugh but id have to stay in hospital for a bit

You guys are so helpful! Thanks so much for replying xo