Thoughts on telling family? I'm really torn...

[Gemini19156]

So not even a week after our BFP and I've found something new to worry about!

My fiancé and I originally had planned to wait until after the first trimester to tell our families about this pregnancy - and we had also originally agreed that (unless someone specifically asked) we weren't going to tell them that this was planned.

Well...I'm not quite 6 weeks pregnant and my fiancé has already told his mother and older brother. And he told them how long we'd been trying. They took it so well and were both really happy for us. To be clear - I don't think his family will say anything to my family (they rarely see each other) and I'm not mad about this!

I'm just feeling really torn about what to do with my family. I've told several friends and part of me just wishes I could share this with my mom...I'm just so afraid that she'll have a really negative reaction. I'm assuming that she'll be judgemental that we didn't wait until after the wedding and after my fiancé is done with graduate school. And I know most people wait to announce until the second trimester because of the risk of miscarriage - but she's one of my bestfriends and I don't know how I would get through a miscarriage or a pregnancy without her support. (Darn, now I've gone and made myself cry at work - hormones!!!!) She lives out of town and will be visiting at the end of June, I'm tempted to spill the beans then.


Any thoughts or advice?

Editing just to also add this - my mother is an HR Sr.VP and I would also love her advice on how/when to approach my employer with the news. So complicated!

 

[GI_Jane]

If you are close to your mum and you would turn to her for support then you should tell her.

I couldn't have got through my losses without my own immediate family and in laws knowing about our journey and the heartbreak.

 

[Gemini19156]

Thanks, GI_Jane! We are close, but I'm also terrified of feeling like I disappointed her in some way. Although I think she will come around, even if her initial reaction is negative.

 

[gezimmom]

I would tell her. My husband and I got pregnant with our first before our wedding and weren't done with school, either. The initial shock was there, but people got over it and got excited. We have been married 9 years! We both got our degrees and he went on to get his doctorate.

She might be shocked at first, but you'll love having her to talk to.

 

[Gemini19156]

I think you're right. I would love to be able to ask her about her experience and to share the milestones with her...guess I just need to put my big girl pants on and get ready to have that conversation next week.

 

[Scout]

I'd go ahead. If she has a negative reaction, she'll come around soon enough I'd bet. When I told my mom, she said, "oh, no, why did you do this?" LOL I didn't care, and it wasn't long before she was excited. My dd is now 4 and my mom spoils her to death and tells me constantly that dd has been the best thing in the world to happen and can't imagine life without her.

 

[MindUtopia]

Personally, if you are telling other people, I wouldn't keep it from her. I think she would probably be hurt by that more than anything. I'm someone who really prefers to keep it under wraps and we haven't told anyone besides my mum. We aren't close with my MIL/step-FIL and we don't really want to tell friends or other family at this point. I know people would talk and as I had a miscarriage a few months ago, I really want to have control over the information so that I know how knows. I don't want to be in the position of having to explain what's happened to people I didn't even know knew to begin with if it happens again. I was happy to have my mum and a friend to talk to when it did happen (who already knew I was pregnant), but it would have been a nightmare if more people than that knew. Anyway, I think if you'd want her support in these early weeks, I would tell her.

And I wouldn't worry too much about her reaction. People can have weird and surprising reactions to finding out. It doesn't matter what your situation is. With my first (which was 5 years ago), we were settled and in a relatively stable financial situation, married, happy relationship, successful professionals, I was 31, etc. and my mum was still like, WAS THIS PLANNED?!? OH MY GOD, ARE YOU OKAY WITH THIS?!? lol She was very much planned. But I think parents sometimes still think you're 17 and freak out. Even the second time around, I told her that we were planning to try for another (we're even more financially secure now, run a successful business, in the intervening years, I've gotten my PhD, happy, I'm about to turn 37, our daughter starts school in September so we have time now to cope with a new baby), and she was still like, are you sure you're ready? Don't you want to wait? Isn't it all going to be too much? You can't please people and I wouldn't overthink it. Her reaction might be weird at first, but it will grow on her and she'll be excited in no time. I wouldn't let that worry you.

 

[xdxxtx]

First, congratulations on your pregnancy! This whole post made me think back to my first ever BFP, and it's such a sweet memory. My first pregnancy is now a 5-year-old! I always, always, always tell my mum right away. Even if I didn't tell her, she'd somehow know, so she is never surprised. lol. That being said, it's hard! But I want my mom to be there for me if something does go wrong. So far, I've been extremely lucky, and I have had five perfect pregnancies, but she is able to help me out when I need it, and I really, really have needed her support.

I'm glad you've decided to go ahead and talk to her next week! One day, one of my kids will come to me telling me I'm going to be a grandparent, and I'll be thrilled before I even think about the circumstances. Hopefully they're good - a steady job AND a fiance in graduate school?!!!!! Hello!!! That's amazing!!!!!

 

[lilmisscaviar]

My mother is always the first person I tell besides my DH so I would go ahead and tell her. Make her feel important, like say something to the extent that you wanted her to be one of the first to know (I wouldn't bring up the people that your OH already told) and maybe she won't be so shocked. On a side note, I've been living apart from my mother for several years now. Moved out when I was 21 years old. She STILL goes through a stage of shock every time I tell her I'm pregnant again but she does come around. I think I would feel the same way if my girls told me they were pregnant when the time comes. I will always see them as "my babies" and that's how she'll probably always see you so don't be too surprised if she doesn't say congratulations at first. I'm sure it'll sink in eventually and she'll want to see her baby's baby

 

[DaisyQ]

I'm in a similar situation, except this pregnancy wasn't exactly planned. My mom visits next weekend and I've been struggling with whether I tell her or not. It's just so early (I'm 5 weeks-ish). And I think she feels like we shouldn't have any more as I'm exhausted by dealing with the two I've got, and my husband isn't around much during the week so it's all on me. When I had a chemical a few months ago, I told her what happened and she didn't say anything. Literally nothing. Maybe she didn't know what to say. But I know my mom pretty well. And when she doesn't approve of something she's very tight lipped. She doesn't want to be critical but she can't be supportive if she's not feeling like she agrees with something. Anyway, we are very close and would absolutely want her support should something go wrong, so I probably will tell her, but I'm hella nervous about it. Because I anticipate her reaction will be astonishment followed by disapproval. So anyway. I can relate. I hope your mom reacts more positively than you anticipate and congrats!

 

[akinsmom2]

I'd tell her either before or after just so u don't get all worked up thinking it will ruin your visit with her. Even if u edit a pic of your test and send it too her .

 

[BabyBrain80]

Oh the joys! Ive had to tell my mum 4 times now (2 boys, 1 loss and current bean). Each time was a nightmare, I was a wreck!! This last time was the worst, baby no3 and Im sure she doesnt think I can cope as it is lol

Anyhoo, I blurted it out and she said "Are you sure you want another?" "I dont know if I should congratulate you or not."
Lovely......

So next day she actually appologised and said she didnt know why she said that. Shes been great since and with ds2 starting nursery soon shes looking forward to another little one to watch.

I like her knowing as it helped with our loss a few years ago.

Your mum will no doubt be overjoyed but sometimes that first reaction isnt quite what you want or expect. You are still her baby and she will worry about you. I understand why my mum said what she did lol xx

 

[Gemini19156]

I'm in a similar situation, except this pregnancy wasn't exactly planned. My mom visits next weekend and I've been struggling with whether I tell her or not. It's just so early (I'm 5 weeks-ish). And I think she feels like we shouldn't have any more as I'm exhausted by dealing with the two I've got, and my husband isn't around much during the week so it's all on me. When I had a chemical a few months ago, I told her what happened and she didn't say anything. Literally nothing. Maybe she didn't know what to say. But I know my mom pretty well. And when she doesn't approve of something she's very tight lipped. She doesn't want to be critical but she can't be supportive if she's not feeling like she agrees with something. Anyway, we are very close and would absolutely want her support should something go wrong, so I probably will tell her, but I'm hella nervous about it. Because I anticipate her reaction will be astonishment followed by disapproval. So anyway. I can relate. I hope your mom reacts more positively than you anticipate and congrats!

Thank you! Just a few more days now, I've decided to go ahead and tell her on Thursday. Waiting and keeping it a secret have just been making me feel awful. FX'd that both of our mothers react positively!

 

[6lilpigs]

Good luck for Thursday, and congratulations!!

 

[Gemini19156]

Today's the big day! Just praying she takes it well, or at least keeps any negative opinions to herself.

 

[DaisyQ]

Goodluck!

 

[BabyBrain80]

Hope it went well xx

 

[WackyMumof2]

I know this feeling. I've told ONE of my siblings. I haven't told my mother or other sister. My mother I THINK will be okay but she will worry my other sister on the other hand will give me the 'you need a bigger house and your not working full-time' speech. Yes, we NEED a bigger house but given the housing shortage in my area at the moment, I'd rather STAY where I know we are guaranteed a home and I might not be working full-time but I work part-time (unlike her) while I study full-time for a better future I can have without taking time out to have babies.

 

[Cewsbaby]

Hope all went well with your mom! If not... well you have a group of wonderful ladies on B&B that you can always vent/talk too!

 

[Gemini19156]

Thanks for checking in, everyone! It actually went really well with my mom last night!! I wouldn't say that she's exactly excited yet but she wasn't angry or disappointed. She freaked out a little bit and then pretty much immediately transitioned into practical mode - asking us what our plan was. After dinner we went to my grandparents house with her and told them and they are VERY excited. My granny said "I'm going to take care of that baby everyday! It'll give me something to do!!" Hah!

Also, my mom wants her grandma name to be "Fancy", which I'm only agreeing to because that's totally going to end up being "Fanny" in kidspeak