Tips for gentle weaning? Feeling so sad.

[gingmg]

My son is 20 months. Our breastfeeding relationship is going strong and until the other day I had no plans to wean. I was happy to let it fade away naturally. He currently nurses first thing in the morning, before his nap and before bed. Some days he asks to nurse in addition to those times and some days he doesn't- depends on the day, how he feels, and what's going on. I've been happy to follow his lead and all the weaning we have done up until this point has been his choice.

I met with our fertility doctor the other day to discuss moving forward with a FET to try for number 2. She basically said we couldn't try for number 2 until I was completely done breastfeeding and my prolactin levels are back to normal. I don't want to wait too long to try to get pregnant again, but I also don't want to wean my son. I feel so sad and so torn. He isn't ready to be completly done nursing and neither am I. At the same time, I'm about to turn 38 and I'm ready to be pregnant again. I'm angry that I have to choose between the child I have and love and the one that doesn't exist yet. I really thought I would be allowed to do the FET while still nursing and I'm angry I can't.

So, as unhappy as I am about it, I've decided to wean him slowly over the course of a few months. I just don't know how to go about it. I've decided my first step will be to get him used to only nursing in the morning, before his nap, and before bed. Once he is used to that I guess I'll pick another one to drop. I worry mostly about the nap and bedtime feeds. He nurses to sleep and I have no idea how to change that gently.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I'm just sad and angry. This wasn't how I saw our breastfeeding relationship ending. I've loved nursing him and I would like to enjoy these last few months of our breastfeeding journey. I don't want to spend this time feeling sad but right now I'm full of tears and I'm trying to wrap my head around this new plan. This isn't how I wanted the end to be.

 

[noon_child]

There is a a 5 step programme that I quite like. It is based on the idea that we don't refuse a request to bf but we try things to make these requests less frequent or less desirable. You don't do all the steps at once, you can go at your own pace, but whatever step you are on try to remember to do all the previous steps too!

Step 1 is where you plan what you can do together that is loving and close but not breastfeeding (eg story time on your lap, painting each other's nails, tickle fights whatever is natural for you) It recognises that pulling away from your child emotionally and physically makes weaning HARDER.
Step 2 is anticipate - offer your LO a snack or drink or cuddle before he gets to the point of asking for a bf
Step 3 is alternatives - so you missed the above and the child has asked to feed, you say yes but would you like X instead?
Step 4 is delay - you've tried steps 2 and 3 but LO still wants boob, so you say yes you can have a feed but AFTER my cup of tea, or at nap time, or whenever
Step 5 is time limit. So steps 1-4 are all happening but now if you still have to give a feed, you say,"just a 5minute one" etc.

You choose, based on your LOs reaction, when to move from each step to the next.
The night feed doesn't really fit in to this plan, so is probably the last to go and goes when LO is consistently happy with doing the above through the day. It doesn't hurt to try to associate other things with the bedtime feed (eg a stuffed toy that LO holds during the night feed, or a song you sing during that feed, music you play etc.) and then you can use these as alternative sleep cues further down the line.

 

[gingmg]

Thank you for taking the time to write all of that! That's very helpful.

 

[Feisty Fidget]

No advice, but I wanted to say good luck

 

[gingmg]

Thanks!

 

[gingmg]

Noon child- are you still here?Weaning is going ok I guess. He nurses for a long time every morning, nap time is pretty short, and now night time is short and he is falling asleep with sips of water and a cuddle. I shorten the time of nursing by a minute every night. I could potentially take it away soon. I started with the nighttime one first only because I was already working on it (falling asleep more and more awake) before I even officially started pushing him to wean. I don't know if I should take away the nighttime one completely before moving on to another one? or should I keep it short like it is and start shortening the morning feed first before taking anything else away?

 

[noon_child]

Noon child- are you still here?Weaning is going ok I guess. He nurses for a long time every morning, nap time is pretty short, and now night time is short and he is falling asleep with sips of water and a cuddle. I shorten the time of nursing by a minute every night. I could potentially take it away soon. I started with the nighttime one first only because I was already working on it before I even officially started pushing him to wean. I don't know if I should take away the nighttime one completely before moving on to another one? or should I keep it short like it is and start shortening the morning feed first before taking anything else away?

I don't think there is a set answer. Whatever you feel would be best for the both of you. I don't think you have to drop them in any order. I think the idea is that nursing in general starts to take second place to the offer of food, getting to where you are going, doing what you have planned and not having to stop etc. If you like the morning one because it means you don't have to think about breakfast so early then you can keep that one up for a while, but because LO is already used to you breaking off the feeds at other times you could see what happens if you try that in the morning if you are wanting a quicker progression.

Have you tried offering a food alternative to the morning nursing session? For my LO she dropped the morning feed herself when she realised she'd rather play or watch TV. We'd got in to a routine where I took her downstairs first thing so as not to wake my husband but she had to wait for me to make my cup of tea before I nursed her (otherwise I was too parched) then I'd watch TV while she fed. As she got older she wanted to play rather than be held while I made my tea, and when I nursed her she kept breaking off to look at the TV. Soon she wasn't nursing at all just goggling at the TV - so bye-bye news, hello morning children's cartoons and at that point I started giving her breakfast earlier (she always had a second one on nursery days!).

Personally I was gutted that she dropped this one so early (19mnths ish) as I enjoyed the chance to have 30minutes to wake up a bit more and find out what was happening in the world. 6am is too early to go straight in to the day IMO but once that feed was gone it was non-stop parenting and bright noisy TV and constant babbling and talking....

 

[gingmg]

Thanks. I think I will start to shorten the morning feed first before taking away one completely. I think he will do better that way.

 

[Brienne]

Can't give advice as we've only started weaning but I can totatlly feel for you! I already feel sad when thinking of quitting breastfeeding Good luck and all the best!

 

[gingmg]

Thanks Brienne. Good luck to you too.