'Too old' to be a dad?

[alex_85]

Hi girls, I'm new here, but I really need to get this off my chest... I can't talk to friends or my mum, they just wouldn't understand!

Basically, I've been with my OH for two and a half years. I've been doing a masters degree since last September, so we've been living apart (different countries actually), but whenever I'm home (every 6-8 weeks) I pretty much live with him, and I'm moving back home next month to do my dissertation while I work my old job, so as soon as I get a car, or we move closer to work, I will be living with him officially, and I can't wait.

For the last few months I have been super super broody. I've become obsessed with babies and pregnancy! The problem I have is that I am nearly 25 and my OH is 39. We've talked about having children before, and he says that he doesn't want to be an 'old dad', so basically if he doesn't have children within the next few years he doesn't think he will want any. He is very vague about it really. Sometimes he says he is too old now, but when I told him I need to know if he is going to want kids, because its important to me, he told me that he does.

This might sound like he is putting pressure on me to have children, but if anything its the opposite. If I told him I want a baby soon I know he would tell me that I am too young and I've got too much to do with my life before I do that. Sometimes he tells me I shouldn't be with him at all, because he's scared that he is holding me back, so I know he is quite sensitive about our age gap. We had a scare a few months ago, and he freaked out, saying we were not ready for a baby, and I am not ready especially. Sometimes I think he thinks I am too immature or something.

In reality, I know its not a great time. We are not at all financially stable, and I do not have any sort of career at the moment. However, I keep thinking that if it doesnt happen now, we're going to have to wait a few years at least, because I don't want to be like...a year into a career and then turn around and say I'm going on maternity leave. But in a few more years, what if he decides he is too 'old'? I don't think he is, but I can see where he is coming from. He is very sporty, and he wants to be able to be active with his children. He also says he doesn't have the energy he used to, so once he is in his forties he doesn't really fancy the sleepless nights etc. Plus his dad died when he (OH) was in his early twenties, so he knows what its like to lose a parent at a young age.

My head is just all over the place. I'm starting to feel like I have to make a decision between future children and my relationship I know he would be a wonderful dad, and I would love to be the one to do that with him. Does anyone have any advice, or any similar experiences? I'm going a bit wacko over this

 

[booflebump]

Hi there

We have the same age difference in our relationship (15 years) and Mr Boofs will be 41 when we start TTC next year. However, he is very broody and desperate for children, so I havent faced the problems you are experiencing at the moment.

Is having children a deal breaker for you? You have time on your side, so the best thing to do is finish your Masters and start working so you have your own life, your own career. I wouldnt worry too much about only working for say a year, and then going on maternity leave, thats just life and employers have no option but to get on with it. If he decides then that he doesnt want children, you are in a position to move on should you feel that you cant continue in a relationship with him.

Its a tough one. I would leave any baby chat for now, you have planted the seed so let it grow Men sometimes take a long time to come round to things (especially when you want to suddenly change things after 22 years of being an adult who has only had to think of himself before) so give him some space re babies and concentrate on enjoying living together for a while

xxx

 

[Inge]

Hi Hi
Im 19 and my OH is 29. Theres a 10 year 6 month gap inbetween our ages. Weve been together 2 years in august and im starting a 2 year business diploma in september which means TTC is on hold for at least 3 years
He's already got a 7 year old son but im worried he'l get bored of waiting for me to be ready to TTC. Im ready emotionally and mentally but finacially wer both nowhere near ready. We have to get full time secure jobs and a house before wer going to commit to TTC. I worry that he's gonna want a baby now before he's too old but he's reassured me its fine and he wants to wait til wer ready in every sense of the word.
Men can have babies late in life and be ok. I do understand the not wanting to be an old dad as it might mean you're not as active as you once were or as youthful but if you love eachother and are happy it shouldnt matter about age. Concentrate on work/study and prepare yourselves for TTC in every way.

 

[polo_princess]

and welcome, my OH is older than me and will be 35 this year, he says he wants to be done having kids by the time he's 40, his main reason being that when retirement age comes around he doesnt want to be looking after children

Only you two can work out what is best for you, is there no middle ground where you can form a compromise?

 

[destinyfaith]

hi hun im 27 and oh is cuming up 2 43 we have 15/16 yr betwen us we have bin 2getha 6 year and we aculi waitd 5 to start tryin we wantd to b comforble with mun etc, neva 2 old to b a dad. . Hes got plently yearz and wel if he fels that is a reason mre of a xcuse id sit him dwn xplain u want kids an mayb time is ryt nw as he dnt wana b a old dad x

 

[mandaa1220]

No advice since I'm not in this situation, but This has got to be difficult.

 

[alex_85]

Thanks for all your replies guys, its really nice to be able to talk about this

Booflebump: yeah, having children would definately be a dealbreaker for me. I just can't imagine not having any.

When we had the scare, and I thought I might be pregnant (mixed results on tests, think I actually had an early m/c), he was driving me into work one morning while I was home and he said something that I didn't hear, so I said 'sorry?', and he goes 'I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the baby!', and that just about melted my heart We do joke about when we have kids, how different we would be at parenting and stuff, so I think the little seed is planted, for sure, hehe.

Another thing that I've thought about is that even if we wait a few years to start trying, who knows how long it might take to actually conceive? I haven't done any research on this, but surely if womens fertility starts to go downhill in 30s/40s, mens would too? I know its not to the same extent, cos we've all heard about 80 yr olds getting women pregnant, but thats a worry... Plus the fact that I'd like more than one child, so that means he'd be even older...

I know I should just be enjoying being with him for now, but I'm the kind of person that needs to 'know' things, I'm very black and white. I know time is on my side, if things dont work out, but I worry we could be wasting his time too.

Anyway...rant over now

 

[babesx3]

Hi
I had this problem with my OH when we first got together i was 30 he was 42... married before with a child... said he didn't want to go there again... well i said i'd have to break up then as i REALLY wanted kids and my age was starting to get an issue...
well we stayed together.. we got married and now have 3 beautiful children... that we both love cherish and basiclly live for..... we also plan a fourth this year.. I am 36 now and he is 48!!!!
Good Luck!!

 

[Dee_H]

I have a family friend who is 48 and he and his 32 year old wife just had baby #3 in November!

 

[dragonhawk]

Hi....
I can thoroughly understand. DH is 45 and I'm 31, so there's a lot of years between us. I have recently been suffering from my body trying to tell me things that it was all but shouting at me. Basically same issue as the OP, but the other way round. Until very recently we haven't been even considering family, but with the purchase of a new car (so that we now have one each) I have found myself looking, considering and wanting children even more.

Last weekend, I had an incredibly 'down' time, when I finally had it out with DH regarding my now strong desire to have children. He's still not really convinced, saying it's soo expensive. However looking at it, we both earn very well, but he is convinced that it would all be too expensive. Anyway, I broke down and had a very low weekend, when in fact it should have been a really good one.

However suddenly last night, DH said to me in passing, that when we have a little one, we'd have to work out exactly how the logistics would work, but it wouldn't stop us doing any of the things that we had previously wanted to do. (And that it would give him something to do at the dance competitions when we weren't dancing, i.e. look after and spoil the child.)

So my hopes are up and starting to recover. I was so low at the weekend, that I was even looking into extreme measures such as sterilisation, so that I could come off contraception.

And don't worry, when things happen, they happen for a reason, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.
Hope it all works out for you both.

 

[morri]

Don't worry about age . My OH is 50 and we still want to have a child together. My mother's Husband is 64 and he has a 12 year old son from his previous marriage, as well as a 33 year old.
Of course there is a limit where I wouldnt say to that I encourage getting children but if youre only about 40 that is not a problem at all