Totally floored about his decision..........

[Alchemist]

Hey Girls,

Been having a rough time of late. As you probably remember I have been waiting to TTC for a while now (since I got married 2 years ago but officially since last feb). I was hoping to try next month but I hit the brickwall with DH this weekend and have spun into a deep depression again. I was weaning off my meds so that I could try but have just gone back on this week out of sheer desperation. I know in my heart I can get through this but I am finding it so difficult. The trigger event was his cousins announcement of her 2nd pregnancy (we got engaged at the same time). I am just floored that I have worked so hard to get to this point and its out of my reach once again. I feel like a failure as a woman .... all my sister in laws have at least 2 kids (most more than 3) and I feel like an outcast all the time........ I really feel like running away and hiding (which I have been - in bed for 2 days avoiding life). I guess this is about my depression now and I was trying so hard not to succumb but I am truly traumatised by this.........

 

[Lu28]

Hi Alchemist, I'm so sorry you're not feeling well at the moment. I come from a family of depressives and if there's one thing I've learned it's that you need to sort yourself out first and then deal with everything else. Sounds like you may have come off the meds a bit early. Have you talked to your doctor about being weaned off.

Big hugs

 

[Jewels]

Hi Alch, I'm sorry it's been such a rough time for you lately.

Things will get better.

I do agree with Lu, it is very important to have things straightened out before trying for a baby. We need to be in tip top shape both mentally and physically before trying to get pregnant, as being pregnant is stress enough!

Have you tried speaking with a counselor / therapist regarding your depression? There are many really good family therapists out there that might be able to help you with depression as well as helping you and your hubby better communicate your needs to one another (if he's willing). It may be helpful to have someone mediate. Just a thought.

Take care.

 

[Alchemist]

Hey girls,

Of course I agree with both of you about my depression...I have been in treatment for over 2 years (on meds for over a year). The problem is that everytime I try to come off my meds (this is my 2nd time) I am doing fine but almost at the end of the process DH springs it on me that hes not comfortable (this time he admitted he withheld that from me and i carried on coming off and then towards the end he sprung it on me - it takes about 6 weeks to come off). I am angry at him. I totally understand his needs (i have been thinking of his needs for over 7 months now) but what about mine?

If he doesnt feel happy enough in our relationship, fine, i can deal with it. but the constant "well maybes" is just bordering on emotional abuse. Its not fair to keep me 'yoyo'ing like this all the time - especially a person who has a fragile mental state. I take full responsibiity for my depression but I dont live in a vacumn. His actions do affect me.

anyways, we are seeing our therapist on friday...... its our annevesary today and I feel like boycotting

 

[Lu28]

It does sound as though he needs to make up his mind one way or the other, it's not fair to keep messing you around like this. Good luck with the counselling xxx

 

[Jewels]

I agree. He needs to make a firm decision either way. It really isn't fair to you, especially seeing how badly it makes you feel each time he gets scared and decides not to go through with it.

Hopefully your therapist will be able to help. Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

 

[Alchemist]

thanks girls. He made a booking at the swarmy resturant he 'propsed'. I say that because it wasnt really a proper proposal (he had done that months before when I was working in Australia and begged me to marry him only to come back home and him being unsure - yes this is a trend). I said no ways (like i would want to be reminded of that tonight???)

anyways he sais to me that he has been trying to be supportive of my pain and I told him its like putting a band aid on a shark bite wound......

I am thinking of moving to my best friend this weekend.....I am taking this pretty seriously this time. my folks are really upset as well (hated telling them this as they have been upset all along with what he's been doing). But at least I am getting the support i never did from them before......I am looking online for places to stay while i tie things up with him.... i am honestly looking at the worst case now...i have to. cant continue living at the mercy of his decisions anymore.........

 

[Jewels]

Yes maybe some time away would be good for both of you. Just take good care of yourself. Do some pampering!

 

[Alchemist]

He came home devestated last night and sick (literally). I wasnt sympathetic. He always does this. Hes stubborn for what HE needs and then it reaches critical mass and explodes and then everything is worked out. Not happy with this. He needs to take me seriously when i speak my needs and not wait until i reach this point of no return. I cant tell him this as he is feeling so critisized so I am waiting until therapy tommorrow but then i will have no holds barred...... I am tired and am getting to old for this shyte........

 

[Rumpskin]

Oh sweetheart, I have just read your thread.

Last thing I read, I thought you both had come to a compromise. I am so very sorry it has come to this though.

Therapy may help you both. I trully hope so.

You need to think of your needs and your desires. If your OH cannot commit one way or another, that is his problem of which you dont need on top of yours.

Maybe a little space is what you both need.

Please feel free to PM at any time.

Good luck and keep your chin up xx

 

[Alchemist]

Thanks honey. I have had great support from you guys and ppl in my life. Its amazing what you can handle with caring friends and family. I have a feeling he will bend to this 'ultimatim' but I am not happy with the interaction. He has been lazy (its been 2 years since we started down this road), he has withheld information from me, springs things on me when I have warned him I am fragile (during my coming off meds) and this is all not on. I am not compromising this, its my future too he keeps messing with.... and that is the most unacceptable thing of all. I gave him my future but now he is abusing the power.

 

[Rumpskin]

Thanks honey. I have had great support from you guys and ppl in my life. Its amazing what you can handle with caring friends and family. I have a feeling he will bend to this 'ultimatim' but I am not happy with the interaction. He has been lazy (its been 2 years since we started down this road), he has withheld information from me, springs things on me when I have warned him I am fragile (during my coming off meds) and this is all not on. I am not compromising this, its my future too he keeps messing with.... and that is the most unacceptable thing of all. I gave him my future but now he is abusing the power.

Hey Alchemist

Support is what you need and I am pleased that you have a close network. I hope that he does come round but you are right, it is your future he is messing with and that is totally unfair.

You sound so strong about this which is half the battle. It sounds like you wont be the one bowing down. You stick to your guns and I pray that you both work this out.

You know this situation has hit a raw nerve with me. Any time you want to chat, you know where I am.

xx

 

[Jewels]

In reading your previous posts Alch, it seems your hubby has this fear that he will not have your full undivided attention. It's almost like he's afraid you won't love him anymore. Yes life will be different, but it doesn't mean you aren't still husband and wife, and it doesn't mean you will love him any less! It kinda sounds like he's more insecure with himself than you. Hopefully therapy will help.

 

[Alchemist]

i agree totally. anyways, i am leaving it alone and letting him stew for a bit
we have therapy tom so we'll see

 

[Jewels]

Take good care of yourself Alch!

 

[Mynxie]

huni, i totally understand

just want to say i'm thinking of you and here to listen if you want to talk x

 

[Alchemist]

thanks girls. we are seeing our shrinly dink today. we broached the subject tentatively last night (after i sent him a scathing email which he said was angry to which i replied that i preferred to think of it as assertive). ha ha. always the thing when a woman is assertive she is a bitch.......

anyways, he told me he wanted to move forwards. I didnt get my hopes up as I have dcided the real issue here is his lack of respect of my needs. If he wants to make this marriage work it is going to take sustainable efforts on his side not just spurts when i am freaking out. its not good for me. it wears me down and leaves me feeling unloved.......

anyways. thats where we are tday. so no decisions.but i am not allowing the decision making process solely contain his requirements any longer. he needs to grow up and stop acting out like a child and have respect for me. if he hasnt in the past, i am partly to blaim for that (allowing him to walk over my needs) but no more. He should love me regardless of the way we negotiate things. i will not give but my dreams at the expense of my fears....

onwards and upwards girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Rumpskin]

Good luck lovely, will be thinking of you both today

Hope you get one step towards a resolve.

Will try and pop by later to see how you are doing

xxx

 

[lotusblossom1]

I totally understand. Six years ago I gave birth to a little boy. I got preggo with him after having 3 miscarriages. I almost lost him so many times. I too am waiting to try. I am currently not trying but due to an accident recently, I am hoping for a positive result.

 

[Alchemist]

well good luck on the postive result honey