Traditional relationship roles

[mrs_park]

Those of you from baby club would have seen the current discussion about gender roles in a marriage. It's interesting to read how other couple work and it got me thinking...

We have a very 'traditional' family in the sense that my husband is the 'head of our household'. He is our breadwinner, provider, protector etc. I see my role as carer and nurturer. He still helps out around the house, we discuss things together and he always takes my feelings into consideration, but at the end of the day I will always honor and respect his decision. I know that he takes his role very seriously and ALWAYS puts mine and our sons needs above his own.

It got me thinking, I know this is VERY different to how a lot of other couples operate but it is very traditional. Society and gender equality has come a long way but it makes me wonder (and please don't take this as an arogant statement as it is not intended) but is it possible that this is responsible for the increase in marriage breakdowns? Have our roles as men and women 'evolved' to the point that our roles are confused?

 

[Miss Wright]

A someone who has a non traditional relationship (we are not married for a start) I really don't think evolving gender roles is the cause.
The traditional set up of the man as provider/head of household and the woman as homemaker/nurturer simply doesn't work for everyone just as my set up wouldn't suit other couples.
In my case we are both happy with the arrangement, Chris has no desire to be the final decision maker/ head of household and he loves being at home with Dylan three days a week. We are almost exactly equal in terms of providing and in our care of Dylan and we like it that way.
I've found listening to others' views on the other thread fascinating though

 

[mrs_park]

A someone who has a non traditional relationship (we are not married for a start) I really don't think evolving gender roles is the cause.
The traditional set up of the man as provider/head of household and the woman as homemaker/nurturer simply doesn't work for everyone just as my set up wouldn't suit other couples.
In my case we are both happy with the arrangement, Chris has no desire to be the final decision maker/ head of household and he loves being at home with Dylan three days a week. We are almost exactly equal in terms of providing and in our care of Dylan and we like it that way.
I've found listening to others' views on the other thread fascinating though

It's so interesting isn't it!? I didn't want to deflect from the other thread too much so I started this one because I find it fascinating!

 

[Miss Wright]

Me too! Thanks for starting this thread I hope others reply x

 

[Blah11]

Sorta, cept I do literally everything lol. I work 5 days a week and do all the childcare, all the housework, he does make some of our meals, all the DIY He's a bit useless.

 

[Lightworker]

I don't think our roles have evolved as such, its more that people are becoming more confident in embracing their desires and strengths eg men are now more comfy being SAHDs whereas in the past they wouldn't dare. I think for marriage to work though its a question of playing at your strengths. I always thought I'd fancy the alpha male type hubby but with hindsight, I am a very strong personality and can be abit bossy, which is why my marriage works because my DH is so laid back he is almost horizontal.

 

[Lightworker]

...contd- for my personality, a marriage where the man was the head simply wouldn't work, but it works for others iykwim? Having said that, if there is a noise downstairs in the middle of the night, my DH has a physical advantage over me, so he will go to investigate. Conversely, I remember some guy on TV saying "wait till I get my wife, she will tear you apart" lol its different for different couples lol. Great thread! X

 

[cherryglitter]

I just see me and OH has equal to be honest. We have quite a good relationship in the sense that the household runs well when we work together.

But my God, don't we argue about silly things

 

[we can't wait]

We have a very 'traditional' family in the sense that my husband is the 'head of our household'. He is our breadwinner, provider, protector etc. I see my role as carer and nurturer. He still helps out around the house, we discuss things together and he always takes my feelings into consideration, but at the end of the day I will always honor and respect his decision. I know that he takes his role very seriously and ALWAYS puts mine and our sons needs above his own.

We discussed this over in baby club-- but, again, you've pretty much described my marriage. My husband and I have traditional roles within our marriage. It works for us.

 

[vaniilla]

upbringing has a lot to do with how you see families, nobody has ever been divorced on my parents side (and oh's side as far as I know) Nobody I know thats female on my side( the men are hardly going to talk about this!) had sex before marriage - thats my mum, grandma, aunties, the in-laws and this is all because of fundamental family values, my dad's side are Muslim but none of them are strict to say the least, I've been brought up believing that men and women protect their family, very rarely would anyone do anything that would put their family down because family always comes first so yes I don't smoke, go out to nightclubs, sleep around in my teens, tattoos etc etc because its not a part of my culture or family life, everyone back home lives in a close knit community and everyone is treated equally even though men are the head of the household and women prefer to go out at night chaperoned, we're all spoiled, treated well and get what we want but put our husbands and children first and there's nothing wrong with that as its my culture and its how I live my life

 

[ShanandBoc]

Society and gender equality has come a long way but it makes me wonder (and please don't take this as an arogant statement as it is not intended) but is it possible that this is responsible for the increase in marriage breakdowns? Have our roles as men and women 'evolved' to the point that our roles are confused?

I think so yes. I think it does contribute to the divorce rates. I was actually thinking this when i was replying in the other thread

Just my personal opinion x

 

[mrs_park]

Society and gender equality has come a long way but it makes me wonder (and please don't take this as an arogant statement as it is not intended) but is it possible that this is responsible for the increase in marriage breakdowns? Have our roles as men and women 'evolved' to the point that our roles are confused?

I think so yes. I think it does contribute to the divorce rates. I was actually thinking this when i was replying in the other thread

Just my personal opinion x

I was going to bring it up on the other thread but feared I might be hung, drawn and quartered for it! Decided it might be safer over here

 

[ShanandBoc]

Smart move!!

 

[tallybee]

Good thread

I think it's just a case of what works for each set of people. No way about things will ever be universally suitable for all people, so it's great that most of us have the option to seek out the kind of relationship that makes us happy. I am happy for anyone who maintains a healthy relationship no matter how they go about things (obv as long as nobody is hurting anyone of course!!)

I don't think it's the breakdown of tradition that's causing higher divorce rates per se, I think it's more the fact that people nowadays see a choice not to stay in a rotten relationship/marriage whereas in the past it would have been frowned on to get out and more people would've had to battle on in misery with no way out.

 

[Lightworker]

I think divorce rates seem to be directly proportional to female equality more because women now feel they do not have to stay in unhappy marriages. It is socially acceptable for them to be single, and independent. So perhaps there is a link.

With regard to role confusion, yes I do know some men that feel that even though their wiveas are going to work full time, they should still be tending to the household stuff single handedly, and even know of a man that left his wife for a more submissive ne who would work full time and still do the housework. I think men are still stuck in the sense that they expect a helping hand in terms of income but will not help with housework. So even though the status of women has eveolved, the mindset of the man has not.

Saying that, I don't like the concept of defined roles though, I think a marriage should not have to stick to rigid rules iykwim?

 

[lesleyann]

I would love to have the typical breadwinner/provider/protector.. Sadly Oh may work but his a mummys boy so its not quite right, and i have told him before ill clean the whole house by my self everyday etc when he brings home a good wage if he wants the typical gender roles.

 

[indy and lara]

My hubby and I lived together for 9 years before Emma was born. During this time everything was split equally as we both had demanding jobs and worked long hours. I would do the grocery shopping, cooking, finances, he did the DIY, ironing and we shared the cleaning.

When Emma was born it all changed. I became a SAHM and his is income is our family income. I now do all the housework/ cooking/ shopping. He still does the DIY and helps a bit in the garden. He still works long hours and I don't have a job outside the house so I am happy to do this. For me, it wouldn't seem a fair balance if he was still doing half. Also, because I have it all done his time at home can be quality time together.

Neither of us are head of the household. We are still a team. And I still manage all the finances!

 

[Vickie]

DH and I are probably considered very nontraditional in the way we do things but it works for us and we, so far, have a strong relationship.

He works, I stay at home. I do most of the care for Hannah while he's working (he works from home though so he can lend a hand when/if needed or occasionally he'll take a break here and there to play with Hannah, help with lunch etc.). I don't ask these things of him generally because he is working, he just helps when and where he can. When he gets off he takes over care of Hannah (plays with her, bathes her & puts her to bed--he's always done this).

We share the housework. One weekend morning we both get up and do the things that need to be done (dusting, cleaning bathrooms, floors, kitchen). Throughout the week I generally do the cooking (and if not the cooking at least the prepping of dinner--he likes to cook on the grill at this time of year ) but on the weekend it could be either one of us doing it. During the week I usually am the one to sweep the floor, pick up the toys, do dishes but again there are times that he helps.

We do most of the grocery shopping together (but we rent a car once a month and tend to do it all in one whack ) and we make financial decisions together.

I know people who would be and are lol appalled by the amount my husband does around the house but it's what works for us and makes us both happy which is what's important IMO.

As for gender roles blurring causing a higher divorce rate I don't know that I believe that but I can see where women now feel more empowered than they did even 50-60 years ago and not feeling that they have to stay in a bad relationship which I'm sure does contribute (as another poster said)

 

[OmarsMum]

I don't think our roles have evolved as such, its more that people are becoming more confident in embracing their desires and strengths eg men are now more comfy being SAHDs whereas in the past they wouldn't dare. I think for marriage to work though its a question of playing at your strengths. I always thought I'd fancy the alpha male type hubby but with hindsight, I am a very strong personality and can be abit bossy, which is why my marriage works because my DH is so laid back he is almost horizontal.

Same here xx

 

[Miss Wright]

My sister and her husband have been happily married for 9 years and have two children. She is very forceful, bit bossy, earns more than he does etc while he is the most laid back person ever and They have a great marriage. I know this is just one anecdotal example but I don't think it's fair to say that a relationship with non-traditional gender roles is more likely to fail x