Trying to pretend I don't have it...

[October2013]

Hi ladies. I'm a newbie, seeking some advice, support, and just venting a little, in a place where I don't feel like I'm being judged poorly.

Today was my gender scan, and although I'm overjoyed that baby is perfectly healthy, I can't shake this extreme disappointment of not having a boy.

I think where we went wrong was essentially 'planning' on having a boy... Obviously we knew it could go either way, but for some reason we NEVER discussed anything girl related. My bf and I both just really wanted a boy. We only talked about boy names, boy nursery themes, if he'd do martial arts with daddy, ect....
We never talked about girl names, and when I first found out I was pregnant, my bf was actually dreading the possibility of a girl. He said he didn't want a girl because, "the women in his family are crazy". After the scan today, he told me he was scared, because, "he had confidence that he could raise a good boy, but he doens't know what to do with a girl." He says he doesn't have gender disappointment, but I truly think he does. I wish he would just admit it, so we can share these feelings with each other, but I think he's just afraid of hurting my feelings.

For me growing up, I was not a very 'girly girl'. I was a huge tomboy, playing with my big brother, catching frogs, and climbing trees. When I finally did start playing with babydolls, I only wanted boy babydolls. When I was 16, I got my first puppy (a boy) and have only had boy dogs ever since. Since my teenage years, I've had more guy friends than girl friends.
I don't know what to do with a girl. I don't know anything about fashion, I can't do cute girl hairstyles...
I don't want to look at baby girl clothes, or nursery themes, or girl names. When I came home from my scan, I called my parents, who were ECSTATIC to hear I was having a girl (they have three grandsons), but I just didn't feel excited. I tried to look up nursery themes and names, but I ended up falling asleep and just woke up feeling worse than before. I just feel like crying. This is my first pregnancy, and it's been very rough since day one (severe morning sickness, constant aches and pains, no sex drive, extreme fear and anxierty of losing baby). Since this experience has been mostly unpleasent so far, I honestly don't feel like I can ever handle getting pregnant again, which means I may never get a boy.

I feel like such an awful person... I don't understand why I can't just be happy to be having a baby, period! A healthy baby at that. I'm scared I won't have a good bond with my daughter because of this gender disappointment. What if I resent her for not being the boy we wanted? What is wrong with me? Will I get over this before she's born?

Thanks for reading, girls.

 

[Misscalais]

Hi Hun.
1st of all sorry you didn't get your boy this time but seems its your 1st you still have plenty of time for a little man
I hope you won't resent her for being a girl because its not her fault, at the end of the day she's your baby and she's healthy and will be the light of your life
Maybe next time try to sway for a boy? Did you sway at all this time?
I have two boys never really had a preference as I wanted sons and daughters but when they told me boy with DS2 my heart sunk and I was sad that I wasn't having a daughter not sad at the fact he was a boy. We only wanted two kids at that point as that's all we could afford at the time but now TTC a girl and desperatly hoping for a girl this time as this will deff be our last our we'd have to get a new car and house lol! But I've had two losses this year so its definitely put things in perspective for me. A healthy baby is all that matters.
Your daughter doesn't need to be a girly girl. She can still ride motor bikes, play with cars and mud I have three sisters and a brother and we all enjoyed his toys more than ours lol!
Cheer up sweetie, your baby is going to adore her mumma and I'm sure you will feel the same.

 

[motherofboys]

Hi there. I'm sorry you didn't get the gender you desired.
I was lucky that I did get my boy first, I wasn't too bothered but I did have a slight preference for a boy. Having a bad relationship with my Mum, only having brother, and being a tom boy, and being the eldest and wanting a big brother to do the protecting, all contributed.
I got him first, I then got a boy 2nd, and 3rd, and now 4th and would have really liked a girl in there somewhere. Complete turn around for me as I wasn't ever bothered about having a girl. I mean I assumed I'd get one somewhere along the way, but I knew I wanted a few boys.

Your DH will be a good Dad and it makes no difference to whether its a son or a daughter his parenting. And there is no reason his daughter can't do martial arts. My oldest 2 boys do Judo and Karate and one of their instructors in both is a woman. DS3 and DS4 will both eventually go and give it a try too and if DS4 had been a DD the she would have gone along too.
It doesn't make you a bad person to have a desire for a certain gender and you need to give your self time to get used to the idea. You kind of plan out what this little person will look like and be like and a whole life for them and then to have to re-evaluate that because they are not the person you were picturing takes some time.

 

[October2013]

Thank you so much, ladies. Your words are very helpful.
Both my bf and I are already feeling 100x better today about the whole thing. We have (almost) decided on a name, and we are in the process of planning a 'Brave' themed nursery. I currently live in a house with three males (my bf and our two dogs), so maybe another girl will be nice to have around.

I absolutely can't imagine resenting my baby girl for not being a boy. I think I was just in a stupid emotional state yesterday, being a brat because I didn't get my way. Today I feel like I barely even have the disappointment anymore, and I can't wait to meet my daughter.

 

[maybebaby3]

sorry you didn't hear seems like most of us are not getting our desired gender these days.

 

[motherofboys]

Glad you are feeling better today. You will have good days and bad days it does help when you start planning and preparing. And having a name and being able to say "she/her" makes them so much more real rather than just "the baby".

 

[Glitter_berry]

There is no set way to raise a girl. She can be as girly or as tomboyish as you like and there is nothing wrong with either.
My daughter does Dancing and loves playing makeup. but spends her weekend playing with the dog and making mud pies. Lol

I really wanted a girl again because I knew what to do and enjoy my daughter so much, but I'm having a boy.
For a while I minded, but after a few days I came around to the idea and am so excited to meet him, and go shopping.
Still can't think of a name, but one step at a time.

Hopefully you feel great about a little girl soon.
Xoxo

 

[October2013]

Well girls, looks like I've flip flopped back to having GD. I thought I was over this, but apparently it still has to run it's course.

It started last night when I got extremely emotional over having to leave my dogs for six weeks. We are going out of state and can't bring the dogs with us, so we have to take them to friend's houses until we come back. My bf called me last night while he was at work to tell me he would be dropping them off Sunday morning, which meant I'd have to spend all of Sunday at the house by myself, and I absoulutely HATE being completely alone here. So, I lost control of my emotions and started crying like a baby. Now I don't know about you girls, but when I have an emotional breakdown like that, it's not usually over just one thing, it's multiple, built up things.

So while sobbing over the news of having to spend the entire day/ night alone, I started thinking about the day I had today (which is now yesterday). I was HORRIBLY sore all day. My back and uterus were both just throbbing, and no matter what I did, walking, sitting, or lying, I could not releive myself of the pain. I had also been looking up baby names and nursery themes, which I thought I had decided on, but again, I've flip flopped. We originally liked the name Amelia, but now I don't. And our "Brave" nursery theme, don't like that either... So I then started thinking about how we had our boy's name almost picked out, and his ninja nursery, and how now we couldn't do it, and I lost my emotions, again. I just continued crying all night.

Today, I slept until 6pm.... How's that for a good sign of depression? It's currently 10pm now and I still feel exhausted and bummed out, just over everything. The descision on a name is still bringing me down. He still likes Amelia, and I really, really like Aubree, but he doesn't. I feel like if I could just be selfish and get my way and name her Aubree, I'd feel alot better, but that's not the case, and really it shouldn't be. We should definitely decide on a name we both like, and I know we still have plenty of time.

But on the bright side, I (once again) believe I have REALLY decided this time on my nursery theme. It's going to be a nature theme, and my bf likes it, too. So yay for that!


Anyways, I apologize for my rambling, just needed to get some of that out... I guess I didn't think getting over this GD would be a flip flop process, but I'm sure it'll be gone soon.

 

[motherofboys]

Huge hugs hun. It wont just get better, it will take time, its a gradual process. Between 12 and 16 weeks I kept asking myself what I had done wrong, why didn't I deserve a girl, was there something wrong with me, would I really be such a bad girl mum? Thinking life was so unfair and maybe I shouldn't have even had another baby I should have stopped at my 3 boys because I was fine only having boys and over it before we got pregnant even though we had tried for 2 and a half years. I really put myself through it.
By 16 weeks I had accepted that when I went for my scan I'd hear boy and I was fine hearing boy. It wasn't until a week later that I began to feel it again. DH apologised for "being rubbish and only making boys" I asked him to try again and he said "how can I make a girl?" I was baby shopping and clothes I'm fine with but I need a new moses and all the boys ones were so plain and boring but the girls ones were so cute with pretty patterns on. And then I had a few people making sympathetic noises about me having another boy and flaunting their girls at me.
I had a horrible day and the next day I wasn't brilliant either. I had a melt down and ended up shouting at DS3 and making him cry which isn't like me.
I'm OK again atm but sometimes I do feel a little sad that I have not got a girl this time and I know I may get another try, but it feels hopeless. Theres no way I'll ever get a girl.
But then I look at my boys and see them excited about another brother, or playing nicely together or sleeping and I know it will all be OK and I will love this baby so much.
I guess already being a parent, although the reason I want a girl is because I have boys already, it also helps me see that I will feel such a strong over powering love for this child that it really wont matter in the end.
Don't be too harsh on yourself, most of us have cried, or felt like curling up in a ball and hiding from the world. Wishing we could change what we heard. I've even hoped that when I go for my 20 week scan I'll find out my 16 week one was wrong and I actually have a girl even though I know theres no chance after what I saw between his legs.
Your not alone and you have a place here where you can vent and talk through your feelings. Don't bottle them up, or you will feel worse, it helps to get it out.

 

[Louise88]

Hey Hun first of all my oh didn't speak to me for about 2 days when we found out our first baby was a girl. Unfortunately I don't have words that will make you feel any better but I do know when you have your little girl in your arms maybe not straight away but you will be so happy to have such a gorgeous little girl and I'm sure your oh will aswell. Pregnancy is tough and the newborn stage aswell but please don't rule out that you won't have anymore babies, I got really ill with my dd and after pnd I was adimant I was never having another baby, 11 months later I'm expecting again and to be honest I completely forgot how horrible pregnancy was and I can't remember how bad the newborn stage was I can honestly say the good times outweigh the bad I wish you a happy healthy pregnancy and hope you get your little boy in the future xxx