TTC after a fullterm stillbirth

[charlie15]

Im desperately looking for women who I can gain support from who have experienced similar loss. My beautiful daughter, Adalynn, was due for C-section on 9/28 and on 9/25 I went in for reduced fetal movement and no heartbeat on my home doppler. She was delivered by C-section 9/25. She was perfect and so pretty, 7lbs and 4 oz. The doctor said when she removed her the cord was loosely around her neck, but we know little else and are awaiting an autopsy report. We buried her 10/3 (Adalynn's original due date) and I am struggling to make since of this. We sold our house and racked up 40K in fertility debt to do 6 rounds of IVF and uterine surgery to get her. 3 years of IVf for our baby girl to never take her first breath. I dont know how to cope with her loss and I havent set foot in her room. I feel like my doctor should have caught something, we just had a sono on 9/17 and she was fine. By 9/25 they told me they suspected she had died 2 or 3 days earlier. My husband and I are not TTC yet and have no more money for IVF. Im grieving alone and feel no one understands. Hoping to find like minds and experiences on here.

Oh I am so so sorry to read your incredibly sad story. I have no words of comfort really, just to say let yourself grieve, give your self time and keep Adalynns memory alive with you. Lots of hugs xxx

 

[SanJan]

Hi adr75050

I'm really sorry Take your time to grieve. And, if you just want to vent, we are here. This is the most difficult time for any mother(yes, you are a mother now). But, when you give time, you'll learn to live with the pain

wildflower, how are things going? Hoping that you have a totally boring and uneventful pregnancy.

Charlie, How are you? We are officially TTC from September. But planning to test only after delayed AF. So, waiting now(not so patiently )

 

[thumpette]

Adr75050 I am so so sorry for your loss. It is extra cruel to have your dreams shattered after such a battle to get there. My little boy Max was stillborn in Jan at 41+4. He was perfect, just the placenta wasn't fully functioning at the end. It's the worst thing that can ever happen anyone to lose their child. Our journey to get Max wasn't as tough, 18 months trying before concieving naturally mid-tests. We have been trying again now for 7 months and no luck yet. My best advice is to get support, find local groups, make new friends who get it, because unfortunately the world doesn't. I've been writing a blog since Max died, feel free to read it/ share it as you like.

Always here if you need to talk.

I'm just so sorry you're here xxx

 

[adr75050]

Thank you all for your words of support. I have looked into support groups. One only meets monthly and another will begin weekly meetings on 10/19 assuming they have enough people sign up for it. Hopefully that will help some.

Thumpette - I have been reading your blog and planned on emailing you. Your story really reasonates with me.

Unfortunately I had my two week follow up with my ob/gyn yesterday and her nurse either didnt bother to familiarize herself with my file or the doctor failed to put the information in because she asked me if I was breast feeding. I was already anxious about going to this appt bc I have a lot of rage and hatred right now for the doctor. I feel like she was dismissive of my concerns and didnt bother to spend adequate time during my appts checking out my daughter. Then to be asked that by the nurse. Im disgusted with her and her practice. When I was in the hospital waiting my c-section my doctor had the nerve to ask me if this was my first pregnancy. I thought, "really?! Your not even familiar with my case and I sent you all my records?!" She went on saying, "I see your on medication for your thyroid. Do you have a thyroid condition!" .....Mind blown. She acted like this was the first time she ever heard any of my medical history. She is incompetent, Im never going back.

 

[SanJan]

Hi adr75050,

That's really awful! She's really incompetent. I don't know why people choose this profession when they lack the basic quality of compassion needed in this medical field. I hope you find a local support group soon and more than that, you find a good OB soon.

 

[thumpette]

Adr, that's so horrible. Some people really shouldn't work in healthcare. How have you been apart from that? Are you based in the UK? X

 

[adr75050]

I dont know if I am coping with everything well or not. I dont really have anyone to compare myself to, or to relate with who has endured a similar experience. I feel like it depends from minute to minute and day to day. I do know that my waking thoughts are of my daughter and before I go to bed every night. Not sure if it is healthy, functional, or normal or not. But she consumes my thoughts off and on throughout the day everyday. I have avoided many people and interactions in the last two weeks, Im just not ready to talk about losing her with extended family and friends. I can't talk about her without losing emotional control and crying hysterically about what Adalynn has lost (wondering who she would be and what she would look like) and what we have lost (every first and all our dreams for her). I cant pull myself back together when that hits so I try not to go there. I have a support group that I am going to today with my mom. My husband cant stand the idea of going because he thinks it will be too depressing. Im in the U.S. So I get barely any maternity leave. I was going to be out until Dec 1st but I would get my checks deducted from until July to be out that long. If I go back October 27th then I dont loose money for the rest of the year. I am debating when to go back. Losing the money was worth to be home with Adalynn. To be home by myself is a different story. I just started my job in August so I dont really have a close realtionship with anyone at my work and I dread going back to see them again. Seeing the look on their faces as they tell me their sorry for our loss and try to hug me. Person after person after person. I just dont know how to deal with it. I could never go back there again and it would still be too soon. I dread the awkwardness and my emotional instability of breaking down crying everytime they say something.

I ve been reading some blogs (yours too Thumpette) and everyone writing them lost their son/daughter before we lost Adalynn. They seem to be so much further then us in the grieving process and I wonder if we will ever get there too. I remember feeling like that when I was pregnant with Adalynn. Yearning to be 20 weeks when I was 12, once I was 20 weeks I yearned to be 29 and so on. Just to have some sense of security that the further along I was, the safer my baby was. Boy, was I wrong. In my heart, Im know I am wrong now too. That being 3 years out from your child's death, 10 months out, or 10 days doesn't ever mean it gets easier. I just want to believe that it does because I cant imagine falling apart emotionally and feeling this broken inevitably. All I know is I love her, I miss her, I yearn to hold her, and Im so scared that everyone will forget her. I love her so much I want people to know that she was here and that she mattered and that she was beautiful. But we did not have an open casket viewing and only immediate family got to hold her and see her. So I feel like to everyone else, she was never real. Everyone has started to move on with life and I dont know how too. My husband went back to work and family doesnt come around to check on me daily anymore. Im not ready to answer questions from neighbors, colleagues, etc. I want to hide, probably not healthy or functional but that is how I feel right now.

 

[thumpette]

Oh ADR, that's all so tough. To be honest it sounds very similar to my early months after losing Max. I just cried all day every day. I actually burst all the blood vessels in one eye from crying to constantly. Now, it's 9 months today since he was born. I'm functioning in that I get up and eat and shower and go to work, but he is still in my mind every waking second. I miss him so much and the little boy I miss changes every month. I tortured myself recently looking at the 9-12 month clothes in the shop to see what size he should be.

I'm so glad you're going to get support. I genuinely don't know where I'd be without the people I've met through support groups, either online or physical. As you are seeing the world will move on, but other parents of precious babies will always now how important it is to remember them. By the way I just love your little girl's name. How did you come up with it? Xxx

 

[adr75050]

Thank you. I came across it and just loved how "old school" it was. We have a 10 year old daughter, but I never got to pick her name. We adopted her as a newborn and it took two years to finalize. So her name, Anna, was actually picked by her birth lady and by the age of two she already knew her name and it fit her. Anna has an "old school" feel to it too, so I wanted our 2nd daughters name to fit well with hers and kinda come from the same era or time frame. I loved the idea of having two girls with A names. So Anna and Adalynn is what we decided. We loved the idea of using the nickname Addie with her too.

Thumpette- I read how you went through the 9-12 clothes and tortured yourself. I can so see me doing that too. Yesterday was horrible. I want so badly to hold my little girl, to feel close to her...that yesterday I opened her memory box and looked at her pictures. She really was so beautiful. I came across a little clip of her hair they took at the hospital and taped to a bookmark. I wanted so badly to touch something of hers, so I pulled up the tape to feel the soft hair. When I went to tape it back down I realized what an imperfect mess I had made of the lock of hair. It was one perfectly placed pretty gathered clipping of her hair (perfect just like her). After I was done with it, it was a tattered disorganized mess. Instead of looking like my perfect baby girls hair, it looked like a cat fight on scotch tape. I cried hysterically and showed my husband, who to my surprise was less then understanding. He told me I was being ridiculous and that it was still her hair. I told him I ruined it and that I just wanted to be close to her and I didnt know how to do it. He was less then supportive for sure. We are definitely starting to split apart in the methods in which we both grieve. He doesnt have to grieve like me, but he could still be empathic to my feelings and supportive of how I grieve. This really is a lonely journey.

 

[adr75050]

Oh BTW- the support group I planned to attend yesterday cancelled. So I made an appt to start seeing a therapist. IDK why, but there doesnt seem to be much support here or the turn out is so poor that groups get cancelled. Hoping something will have enough involvement to make a group so I can find some local support. Once a month is too far away and too infrequent for my sanity right now.

 

[thumpette]

I'm sorry to hear about the hair, I can totally understand how upsetting that must be. It's tough when people have different outlooks but I'm sure your husband is grieving just as much in his own way. If you'd like to join an online support group I could add you to one I'm in? Most of the girls are in the U.S.- there might even be someone near you? Just pm me your email if you like abs I'll add you? X

 

[adr75050]

I would like to join. I could use all the help I can get. I have PM you my email address. thank you

 

[wildflower79]

Im desperately looking for women who I can gain support from who have experienced similar loss. My beautiful daughter, Adalynn, was due for C-section on 9/28 and on 9/25 I went in for reduced fetal movement and no heartbeat on my home doppler. She was delivered by C-section 9/25. She was perfect and so pretty, 7lbs and 4 oz. The doctor said when she removed her the cord was loosely around her neck, but we know little else and are awaiting an autopsy report. We buried her 10/3 (Adalynn's original due date) and I am struggling to make since of this. We sold our house and racked up 40K in fertility debt to do 6 rounds of IVF and uterine surgery to get her. 3 years of IVf for our baby girl to never take her first breath. I dont know how to cope with her loss and I havent set foot in her room. I feel like my doctor should have caught something, we just had a sono on 9/17 and she was fine. By 9/25 they told me they suspected she had died 2 or 3 days earlier. My husband and I are not TTC yet and have no more money for IVF. Im grieving alone and feel no one understands. Hoping to find like minds and experiences on here.

adr, I'm so so sorry to read your heart breaking story. And I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious and beautiful daughter. It's such a cruel thing for any mother to have to go through and it's so horrible that you had to go through such a tough journey trying to conceive.

I really don't think there's any right way to grieve for your daughter. It's such a mixture of different emotions that always seem to be changing. I still struggle now and its been over a year. They organised for me to attend some bereavement counselling, but I just couldn't face going. The thought of having to talk about my daughter and what happened - I just can't do it right now. Maybe someday I'll feel ready, I don't know.

I also don't feel as though I connected with my husband very well to share our grief. He seemed to get back to work and be able to move on, but in all honesty I actually have no idea how he's feeling on the inside. I probably should try and talk to him more, but I just don't know what to say or how to say things.

Please feel free to share your thoughts with us all whenever you feel you need someone to talk to. x

 

[adr75050]

Thank you wildflower. I feel the same with my husband, he says he has accepted the fact that there is nothing we could have done to save her. But that doesnt change the fact that she is not here with us.

 

[LoraLoo]

Do you mind another stalker? Thumpette- I'm so sorry for your loss, and yours too adr. Losing a child is the most devastating thing to go through.

I've not had a full term stillbirth- my pregnancy losses were at 18 and 15 weeks, and Eve we lost at 5 days old. We are TTC too. Ttc and pregnancy (and beyond) after losing a baby is really tough xx

 

[adr75050]

Welcome Loraloo. I am sorry you find yourself joining such a group. But I can definitely say I feel like we all need each others support. I know I do. I would love to hear more about Eve.

So, tomorrow marks one month since Adalynn entered our world and our lives forever changed. We plan to go to the cemetary and release a single balloon to signify the one month. My daughter (10), and my husband and myself will all attach a note to the balloon prior to releasing it. I find myself breaking down at random times throughout the day. Something about picking my daughter up for school makes it an ideal time to cry in my car each day. But I return to work on Tuesday and will no longer pick my daughter up. Im sure i will be randomly breaking down in my office at work, im dreading returning.

I called my crap doctor on Friday. The nurse informed me that she knows my daughters preliminary report came back from the autopsy. She said she scanned it into my file, but that my doctor was not available to review it with me. She said they would call me Monday to go over it. Im so anxious to know.....anything. Knowing why, wont change anything. Wont make me feel any better about losing my precious baby. But I desperately seek out an answer to WHY just the same. Im terrified they will say they have no answers and she was perfectly healthy, but I am equally terrfied they will say they found a cause and know what contributed. Either way, I know I will cry hysterically and that Monday will be a hard day. I will call their office first thing in the morning and bug them all day until i have an answer. I have already waited all weekend, I just need to know something....anything.

I started a support group on Monday, I will return this monday. I thought if the women were not in the same situation (full term loss) as me I would no find it comforting or relatable. I was wrong. Each womens story had pieces that sadly fit into my puzzle and were a reflection of my loss and sadness. One loss at 21 weeks, one at 23 weeks, and another two first trimester losses with an etopic pregnancy. Each story, each child, each loss made me cry with such intense sadness for myself, for Adalynn, and for them.

 

[adr75050]

Loraloo- I just read about Eve in your post. Her pictures are absolutely beautiful. No words can express how sorry I am for your loss. My heart breaks for you and your family, as there is nothing worse then lossing your child.

 

[LoraLoo]

Thank you adr.

I really hope you get some answers as to why Adalyn died. The not knowing is really hard. We got answers with both Eve and Eden and although it opened up a million more questions that could not be answered, so many more whys, it definitely helps to have a reason I think.

The balloon release sounds lovely xx

 

[adr75050]

So i heard from the doctor yesterday and the preliminary report did not say or identify a cause of death. So we were told we have to wait 90 days from the date of Adalynn's death before we can get a complete report. The doctor said the preliminary just gave information commonly found in a physical check report - weight, gender, etc. So we wait some more. SMH....

 

[LoraLoo]

😣 everything takes so long doesn't it? Sorry you are no closer to any answers x