Twin loss...

[lisaalove]

You are all amazing and I am so thankful for you all in helping me get through this and navigate this unfamiliar territory.

 

[Heather.1987]

I'm so glad it went well and you can finally start to grieve. I'm sorry this happened. It does get easier, but you'll always miss those sweet babies.

 

[Bevziibubble]

 

[Nima]

 

[mridula]

Take care Lisa, you’re going to be fine

 

[lisaalove]

I lied I'm back, I'm annoyed and I'm sad and I hate that tomorrow I have to see people and they're all going to be talking about what they're thankful for and I'm just going to want to yell at them and tell them how mad I am. How sad I am and how I should be announcing. How I should have a cute little bump forming and a cup in my hand that says gobble till I wobble and how it was supposed to be a cute pun making fun of my bump. Instead I have to put on a smile deal with people and stare at that cute little cup in my sink and be mad and sad and empty. All while my kids smile and laugh and I know I should be thankful because deep down I am but right now all I can feel is sad all I can feel is like my babies were ripped out of my arms before I ever even got to know them. I didn't think a day could be so hard and now I'm wondering how I'll feel on Christmas or on their due date. Everyone says I'll feel like this for a long time but why cant men be the ones to feel like this? Why do they get to move on so easily? There's a lump in my throat and I'm so tired.

 

[Bevziibubble]

I'm so. Thinking of you at this difficult time

 

[Heather.1987]

I am so sorry lisa. I lost my baby over the holidays too, and it is very sad. It might help to let them know what's going on, if they dont already know. That way you dont have to pretend, and they can be supportive of you.

 

[Nima]

Thinking of you Lisa

 

[lisaalove]

It's been a while. I'm not sure if this is a part of grief but I'm so mad. So mad that tomorrow should be V day. So mad that in June I know what awaits me. So mad that my own cousin who is still using drugs is pregnant... I know it's not fair. I know the person I was before this miscarriage would have just hoped and prayed the baby would be okay but for some reason now all I can think is why does she get to be pregnant. Why did I have to lose them. I should be in a painful pregnant state because of them right now. Instead I sit here back in a ttc praying phase and I'm just so mad and sad. There's nothing I can do other than hope my body will work.

 

[lisaalove]

Also I'm sorry I didn't reply @Heather.1987 @Bevziibubble and @Nima I was just so sad at the time that I cried every time I typed something out.
I still stalk the due in june/July group I'm glad the two of you are doing well. It's hard for me not to look, part of me feels like I'm living vicariously through you guys. I just wish I could be there. It hurts so much still.

 

[Bevziibubble]

That's totally understandable I'm thinking of you

 

[dairymomma]

I know how you feel. I've battled infertility and recurrent miscarriage for YEARS. My losses are well into the double digits now and we lost our 5th rainbow baby to a freakishly rare pregnancy complication at 20 weeks back at Christmas time. I've struggled with the feeling of unfairness ever since. I can only think 'Why us? WHY US? Haven't we gone through enough shit on this journey?' It's like the 14 miscarriages weren't enough so we had to experience stillbirth too.

But I'm also learning this is part of the grieving process and it's totally normal to feel this way. I've 'been there, done that, got the hat' before when it comes to loss but this stillbirth thing has really knocked me for a loop. And I know it's because I thought we were 'safe'. I thought I was bringing him home because we made it out of the hellish first 14 weeks that my body thinks the first trimester should be. And then we lost him to a stupidly rare and crazy unpredictable thing...

I guess my point with sharing this is to tell you 1. you are NOT alone in feeling the way you do. and 2. it's totally normal and completely okay to feel this way. Grief is an incredibly complicated process and totally unique to each person and situation. Hang in there and someday you'll find the sun shining again.

 

[Heather.1987]

Lisa, dont worry about replying back or not! It is hard. I also stalk the boards of the groups I was apart of, even the group where I lost the baby right at 4 weeks. Grief takes a long time. I still end up in tears thinking about the baby we lost at 11 weeks. I do think it helped me when I got pregnant with my rainbow...even though super scary....scarred me for all my pregnancies! And passing the babys due date too. Because otherwise I would just keep counting how far along I would be, what I would be doing....its harder to imagine baby after due date....at least for me. This journey is so hard.

 

[xMissxZoiex]

So sorry for your loss Big hugs! I'm also mummy to Twin angels, its truly a unique hurt, My boys passed in Jan 2017 and I'm still completely devastated by it daily