Ugh.... I wanna but I'm too scared

[KamIAm]

Hi Girls....

I'm gonna make this short and sweet....

I can't shake these thoughts or feelings .... I have been battling with them for a while now and need help with them... I wanna TTC but I am terrified!!!!

My OH is leaving it up to me if and when we try...I REALLY REALLY wanna try NOW but everytime I think to myself, "this is it! this is the month kelly"... I immediately rush back to March 25, the day I lost Emma... and then I tell myself "No way!!!" Never again will I try.... That hurt TOO much.... Why would I put myself in risk for that to happen again??? But then I have this uncontrollable pull..... I wanna TTC!

Is this just a normal feeling, that everyone has and then will just pass?? I keep telling myself that I don't really, that this is just a part of grieving the loss of Emma, the sudden end of my pregnancy.... I don't know....

If I would be given 100% chance of having a successful pregnancy, I'd done already jumped in,..... But I"m scared.....

THanks girls for listening/reading my crazy ramblings....

And here I said this was gonna be short and sweet,.... Ha, never from me

 

[kiki04]

I wanna try again too but I cant cuz OH got a vasectomy while I was pg and we lost her

 

[Aunie]

I know how you feel, i lost my baby at 18 weeks and it was the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life. When i think of finally being blessed with a baby, this painful journey will have been worth it. Keep your head up and take your time, you'll know when the time is right. I think being scared won't ever go away for ladies in our situation unfortunately, not completely at least

 

[Nikki_d72]

I feel the same way hon, totally sh *t scared. When the doc said we could go for it and DH agreed to try I was on a high for a wee while but then crashed again with the realisation that I was going to have to decide to do this - it would probably have been easier if he'd said we had to wait X amount of time and I could prepare. On the other hand, I want so badly to have a baby, my reasons for wanting another haven't changed and I don't want to look back in a few years with regret that we didn't even try because I was too scared. My age is against me and I have the additional thing of wanting to give my DD a sibling, there's a huge age gap already so I don't have time to think about it! I realise that I will be dealing with grief during any possible pregnancy and that's a bit unfair on any new baby but I just don't have the time to spare and I think any subsequent pregnancy is going to be fraught anyway.

I think it's totally normal to have a deep longing to be pregnant again and I presume none of your reasons for wanting your baby in the first place have changed either, so why wouldn't you? It's a pretty primeval urge, who are we to argue, eh?!

It's a totally personal decision and damned hard I know. I think you have to ask yourself which you'd regret more - trying again and something possibly (though not likely) going wrong again, or always wondering 'what could have been' if you don't try? I know what you mean about never wanting to go through anything like this again, I originally said "Never-ever" but the longing has overcome me. I still chop and change with the weather though. If I'm lucky enough to get pregnant I'll be terrified, I know, I can't think that far ahead, I'm trying to focus on now and I'll deal with it if it happens, or my head will explode.

Best of luck with whatever you decide, I'm glad your DH is on board for you and letting you decide in your own time.

xxx

 

[mhazzab]

Hiya K! (not sure if I am allowed to use your full name for security reasons, lol.)

I agree with the others, I think you will know when the time is right, when your desire for another child is stronger than your fear of something bad happening again. At least, that is what happened to me. I think Nikki got it right, ask yourself what you would regret more?

I'd love to hear that you are trying again, but only you know what's right for you and when you feel ready



xxx

 

[Andypanda6570]

You all have given me great advice and Kelly you also, you told me would i regret not trying more than being terrified and I said YES so that is why I am trying. I am terrified also and for me it is bad cause I am up there at age 41 all of you encourage me so if you really feel the need then you must do it. I think we are all different but for me it has been over 7 months and my need to try again has never went away
My boobs hurt I am nausea and constipated but is it all in my head????? It may be I don't know. I don't have long kelly, I am only trying till maybe the latest January I will be 42 in June (I don't feel that old) but for me and only me I think 42 is pushing it so if i don't get pregnant by January then I am finished, I close the book and I move on. But you have a lot of good years and I know you are so scared but I just know it will not happen again you will be ok I know it.
So think hard and weigh all your options before you close your book..
XOOXOX Love you xoxoxoxxoo

 

[yazoo]

Your feelings are completely understandable hun. I think we all feel the way you do and regardless of how much time has passed whenever any of us get pregnant again we will be terrified. I am ttc this cycle and although I am absolutely terrified i can't let my fears stop me from having another baby because that is what myself, my OH and DD want more than anything in the world. For me the desire to have another baby is too great so I'm not going to let the fear of being pregnant stop me and have decided to have fun ttc.

Do what you think is best for you hun whether that be waiting another while or going ahead with it. We are all here to support you whatever you decide.

 

[Rukky]

GO FOR IT DEAR! its better to try than later on regret not trying,wish u all the best!

 

[Hellylou]

Hey, lovely

We ALL understand the fear - we know exactly how it felt going through 2nd tri loss, and none of us ever want to be there again. And any future pregnancy will never be free of stress and fear because of it.

It's entirely up to you and your OH what you decide to do, and you will know what is right. It sounds to me like you really want it though. I know there are no guarantees, but if you cling on to that urge to try again and your reasons for it, and try to put aside the fear as best you can, perhaps that urge will outweigh the terror enough to just go for it.

I know for me, my reasons for not trying again will be because I can't for health reasons, so if that becomes the situation, I will have to accept it and move on. If I find that my health is up to the challenge, I will go for it. I will be terrified, just like you, but I know that for me, I need to try again. I don't want that terrible experience to be the last time if I can possibly help it. So unless docs say no, I'm going for it.

Go with your heart. It is never going to be an easy ride for any of us, taking the step to TTC again, but it can and does go well for others, and we just have to believe it will for us too.

 

[Cassie10]

I know exactly what you mean. I want a baby so badly but whenever I think about the chance of this all happening again I get so sick. The thought of even being pregnant again absolutely terrifies me!

It is so strange because that is all I wanted to for so long...and we tried so hard but now I can't seem to shake the fear. I think it's perfectly normal to feel this way... I mean we know so much now. For a lack of better words ignorance is bliss. I never thought about what all could go wrong in a pregnancy until it actually happened. Now it is all I think about...

I look up to women who TTC after a loss... I am not strong enough yet but for those who make the choice to try again I feel they are brave and very courageous!

 

[KamIAm]

THank you all..... You girls are amazing!

It is a crazy thought, feeling that I have been feeling for a long time, that isn't going away...

I am just completely terrified... AND another BIG reason I am on the fence about it.... I have 4 living children! I have a beautiful family I have been blessed with.... I was previously married, we had children, then he changed his mind and we divorced... I have been with my OH for last 4 years, he loves and treats my children as his BUT he has never had any children of his own and he would love to have one.... He is older than me , so time is a lil bit of an issue with us as well... I am 33, he is 45... So, we are on the down hill slide also... BUT my biggest fear is.... Each pregnancy I have been blessed with, each child comes earlier and earlier... My child before Emma, His name is Ethan, (he's 8 now) and he was born at 26 weeks gestation, weighting 2lbs and 5oz... Preterm labor , that''s all they said was the reason.. No one mentioned about IC, incompetent cervix... and once it started happening with Emma, that term was thrown out there at me... SO, what's that mean??? Every pregnancy that I have, they will keep coming earlier and earlier??? That is what it seems to me... So, with those cold hard facts, it makes me think and put on the brakes....

I know with each of my past pregnancies, I didn't slow down, stay off my feet... I couldn't I had to work and do everything.... But my situation is a lot different now... I am not working... My children are older (16, 14, 9 &8) ..I would be able to stay off my feet, so this is where I am getting these tiny glimpses of hope....

I don't know... I sometimes think I am being greedy, asking for too much... Like I said, I have been blessed with 4 living, healthy children, so I think I should be happy with what God has given me....

I dunno.... I still wanna add to our big ol' family tho...

 

[Cassie10]

No hun you are not being greedy at all!! Once you're ready you go ahead and add to your big ol' family!

 

[KamIAm]

Thanks Cassie

 

[daopdesign]

I know exactly how you feel and look at me now pregnant again and worried but I can't allow myself emotionally to attach to this baby as I am so petrefied of losing it. I know that sounds awful but until/if I get into delivery suite I won't be happy.

In a way, if I am going to m/c again I'd rather it just hurry up an happen because the thought of going through a delivery like that again makes my stomach churn

Maybe the best way to move forward is to go with what feels right x

 

[KamIAm]

THank you Hon' ....

Thank you for sharing your worries, and your thoughts, ecspecially now that you are preg now.... How far along are you?? Forgive me, I didn't read your tickers, just hurried to reply back

I would be devastated and also for feeling guilty for putting my OH and my children through another loss, if that happened... Once I lost Emma, my children bounced right back, and as long as they seen mom was ok , they was ok... but I wouldn't wanna put any stress or strain on my family....

Ugh...

Just doing some soul searching and thinking....

 

[kiki04]

That is a huge fear of mine also is putting the children through it again. My 4 yr old daughter says quite often "Mommy, I want to go to heaven so I can be with my baby sister.... and I know you have to die to go there" OH MY GOODNESS!! How do you answer that?! Or she will ask me "Mommy, do you want to go to heaven so you can be with Hadlee?" That I say, "But then I wouldnt get to see you and that would make me sad too honey" My boys bounced back pretty good. They still share with peopel they had another sibling but they went to heaven cuz they got sick and I love that they still acknowledge her. But Kenadie... it broke her. Completely ripped her to pieces I want to TTC so badly as well... and we will soon, I hope, but I wont be telling my kids for as long as I can hide it, in case the unthinkable happens again

So I think we all understand and SHARE your worries and fears and you are very justified to feel this way

Daop-I really wish for you so much nothing but a H&H 9 months until you are holding your sweet baby I cant wait to hear all about it

 

[Cassie10]

My 4 yr old daughter says quite often "Mommy, I want to go to heaven so I can be with my baby sister.... and I know you have to die to go there" OH MY GOODNESS!! How do you answer that?! Or she will ask me "Mommy, do you want to go to heaven so you can be with Hadlee?"

Oh my gosh... That breaks my heart! I absolutely adore your little girls name BTW... Hadlee is such a precious name!

 

[KamIAm]

I agree... "IF" we try again, I most certainly will not be telling anyone for as long as I don't have too... Well of course, except for you girls I'm sure you will be 2nd to know, right after OH ... LOL

Mine children are a lil older, and I can explain a lil differently from your 4 yr old.. That is such a hard age, hard to explain ...

Mine go with me to the cemetery, they make things for Emma, we all send balloons and stuff to her. I do hate when they see me sad, the first thing they think of is.. "are you sad about Emma"... then they get a look of worry...

Lots to think about ... When I lost Emma, my doctor was telling me about having a cerclage placed as well as the 17p injections I was already recieving during my preg with Em'... I dunno....

 

[kiki04]

My 4 yr old daughter says quite often "Mommy, I want to go to heaven so I can be with my baby sister.... and I know you have to die to go there" OH MY GOODNESS!! How do you answer that?! Or she will ask me "Mommy, do you want to go to heaven so you can be with Hadlee?"

Oh my gosh... That breaks my heart! I absolutely adore your little girls name BTW... Hadlee is such a precious name!

Thank you It means Heather meadows, which is where I like to think she is running around... through a field of flowers, in a white dress and flowers in her hair Peaceful and happy

 

[kiki04]

I agree... "IF" we try again, I most certainly will not be telling anyone for as long as I don't have too... Well of course, except for you girls I'm sure you will be 2nd to know, right after OH ... LOL

Mine children are a lil older, and I can explain a lil differently from your 4 yr old.. That is such a hard age, hard to explain ...

Mine go with me to the cemetery, they make things for Emma, we all send balloons and stuff to her. I do hate when they see me sad, the first thing they think of is.. "are you sad about Emma"... then they get a look of worry...

Lots to think about ... When I lost Emma, my doctor was telling me about having a cerclage placed as well as the 17p injections I was already recieving during my preg with Em'... I dunno....

Isnt a cerclage just like a couple stitches put in place to prevent you from dilating?