Ugh

[JViti]

So my nephew was born today. I went to visit him at the hospital. He is adorable and I am in love. I was ok on the way there, even ok at the hospital. Once we got in the car to go home....waterworks. I havent cried that much since my miscarriage last month. I hate that I feel this way. I love my nephew, I am so glad hes finally here. But I cant help but feel so envious of my SIL right now. I see how excited everyone is, how happy she is, and I just want to feel that again. I just keep feeling like it will never happen for us. That our family will never be complete. I start the injections for my 2nd IVF tomorrow, but I just wish that I could glance in the future to see if this is all even gunna be worth it. I just feel so lost, hopeless, bitter, and selfish. I should be nothing but excited about today, but I cant help but feel jealous and lower than dirt. Still excited that I am an aunt again, but I want to be a mom again.
And please, dont tell me I should be grateful for my son. I am grateful. I know he is a miracle. I was 18 when I had him. I struggled. Already having an 8 yr old doesnt mean I cant be devastated by the prospect of not having another one. In fact, the pain is just as bad because not only do I want another one, and my hubby want anothe rone, but my son wants a sibling. As a parent, you want to give ur child everything. And nothing breaks my heart more than watching my son cry because all his friends are big brothers and hes not. And he sometimes thinks its his fault. He says maybe hes not good enough. Maybe he doesnt deserve it. We know how shitty it feels to feel that way about being a parent. Its even worse when your child feels that way, and there is nothing you can do about it. I feel like a failure as a parent...

I am so sad right now. I am sad that I am letting my feelings of envy overtake my feelings of joy for my nephew. I am sad that I cant get pregnant naturally. I am sad that I feel so alone in this. I am sad that I should be 11 weeks pregnant but I'm not. I am just so broken...

I already suffer from bipolar depression. But my depression has hit rock bottom. I feel like a worthless piece of shit.

I hope this month is my month...i dont know how much more heartache i can take. I feel like i will never be happy again unless i can have another baby. If I cant get pregnant, I will the cause of everyone's heartache. I will be the reason my son will always be alone. I just cant stop crying right now.

 

[Rosie_Phillip]

Viti- I'm sorry you feel worthless. I can relate. Although I haven't been trying as long as you have for my second little miracle, I still understand your pain. I know what it is like to be hurt by something as joyous as a new nephew :/ I'm here for you if you need to vent.

Keep your chin up
~C

 

[tommyg]

Honey you have been through an awful lot the emotional investment in IVF, the elation of pregnancy, the joys and dreams of twins and then the sorrow and grief of loosing them.
You need time to grieve for your baby's.

Have you spoken with your GP to see if they can help with the depression? And or a councillor?

I hope you do get to become a mum again and given IVF has worked once (I'm no expert) but I'd think your odds are bound to be high for it to work again. Good luck.

Meantime enjoy this new special addition to your extended family nieces and nephews are special blessings in their own right. And a cousin for your son.

 

[JViti]

Honey you have been through an awful lot the emotional investment in IVF, the elation of pregnancy, the joys and dreams of twins and then the sorrow and grief of loosing them.
You need time to grieve for your baby's.

Have you spoken with your GP to see if they can help with the depression? And or a councillor?

I hope you do get to become a mum again and given IVF has worked once (I'm no expert) but I'd think your odds are bound to be high for it to work again. Good luck.

Meantime enjoy this new special addition to your extended family nieces and nephews are special blessings in their own right. And a cousin for your son.

I am already on an antidepressant as I have severe bipolar depression. But I am not on the right stuff. I am actually calling my primary care doc in the morning. She has been through infertility as well. She had to go through 5 IVF treatments before she got her miracle. So I know she will understand my feelings and frustrations. I am currently on Effexor XR, which is more geared toward regular depression and anxiety. I am gunna try to get on latuda, which is actually for bipolar depression. and is safer in pregnancy than effexor. I have seen numerous counselors and therapists, but none of them worked. I would go in fine, and leave crying. I swear my problem is biology and chemical imbalances, not cuz im koo-koo lol.


They said my chances are good for getting pregnant, its just gunna be staying pregnant because of my pcos that is gunna be tough.

 

[tommyg]

Getting your meds sorted is one thing but you also need a little bit of time to allow yourself to grieve and cry for those babies.

After a loss my clinic wouldn't allow ladies to try any form of assisted conception again for 3 Mths to give mums some time to grieve for the baby they have just lost. And to stop it becoming such an emotional roller coaster.

I also get the feeling that some fertility drugs can make you mentality unstable I know I've cried at stuff I wouldn't normally cry at when on femara and again on a down reg. Which must be doubly hard on somebody with existing mental health problems.

 

[tommyg]

How are you doing today?

 

[JViti]

im actually doing better. I have gone to visit him a few times. I am ok when I am there with him, its when i get home and im alone with my thoughts. I havent cried in a couple days, so i guess thats good. i am going to see him again today, hes home now, so well see how that works