underwhelmed...

[Ethereal]

Is the word I would use to describe how I'm feeling about this pregnancy. I have tried so hard to be happy, to look forward to another baby and think of the positives but I'm just so sad. I'm not looking forward to it at all, and the negatives are highly outweighing the positives.

This will be baby number two, to father number two, and I think that's a big part of the issue, every little thing about the pregnancy and the outcome is upsetting me, and all I'm doing is worrying, crying and faking a smile, and I just need to get it off my chest.

Things I'm worrying about:

Not being able to go back to college like I wanted after summer

Not being able to be a good mum to DD when I'm heavily pregnant

Her life changing majorly

DD only sees her dad occasionally as we live hundreds of miles away, so she doesn't have her dad or his family, but baby will, and I resent that. She will be pushed out, no matter how much OH tries to say otherwise I just KNOW she will be treated differently.

Me having a different surname to two of my own children

My DD having a separate surname from here brother or sister

Our financial situation

Having to move, probably away from DDs nursery which she is starting in January

Baby waking DD through the night

The possibility of another 3rd degree tear

Labour in general

The possibility of post natal depression (which judging by how I'm feeling at the moment will be high)

My severe lack of a social life

Being stuck in the house with two kids

My body image

The possibility of this wrecking our relationship and me having to be a single mum all over again.
(we haven't been together for very long)

That's the majority of why I am not looking forward to having a second child.

I'm sorry if this post upsets anyone or anything but I needed to vent.

I had just gotten into a comfortable place in my life, I had a college course planned out, was starting to enjoy life and me and OH were having fun in the honeymoon period of the relationship and now this. I just don't know how we'll cope.

 

[MariaF]

Oh honey

Do you mind me asking if you are very young? Like early 20's? That's what your Avatar looks like.
If that's the case you think and reason like a VERY mature person!!!!! It sounds like you've been through a lot in life. All of your fears are very fair BUT - I am 33, together with DH for 13 years, also expecting No2, we have stability and my mum is my rock....and I have SO many fears and insecurities. Granted, they are totally different worries to your but still they are eating away my brain!

But see - it took us 2 years to conceive our daughter. This baby - one month, but after I was told but a silly sonographer I need to get checked out for ovarian cancer - it just put things into perspective and we started trying straight away!
So I still remember the HELL I went through over those 2 years and the fear of never being able to have kids.... Believe me I spent many a night wishing away my job and our nice house and all the other nice things we earned - just wanting to have a baby

By no means I am trying to tell you to stop worrying! But I also wanted to let you know millions of women of different walks in life all worry like mad. But at the end of the day we have THE biggest blessing in this world!!!

Everything else can be earned/bought/learned/achieved - especially when you are so young!!....kids are a miracle and a blessing!!! Sending you massive

 

[Ethereal]

Hey, thanks for your lovely reply. Yes I'm only 22, have moved 26 times in my life and finally just felt like I was getting settled in and on track!! I guess life always has it's way of throwing a curveball in there, and I know it will be amazing when baby comes and eventually it will all fall into place, I just didn't realise how unready I was for another one at this point!

Your story helps put things into perspective from the other side, people can't have children and here I am crying about surnames!!

I'm really happy that you got a good outcome

 

[lilmisscaviar]

The things you are describing are perfectly normal in pregnancy be it your first baby, second baby or tenth baby. There will always be nagging doubts in your mind. I am on my fifth and still have those. I'm in my later twenties, I am married, I own my home, can support another child financially, I have a very supportive family and I still sometimes question my decisions, especially as I am prone to miscarriage having had two in the past. Usually those doubts fade the further along you get, when you start to feel baby kick and become more "connected" to him/her.

You cannot predict what will happen during labor, unfortunately, but I will tell you this. My DD was almost 9 lbs. and I suffered a third degree tear after 2 hours of intense pushing. I was so scared it would happen again with my DS but he came a little early (most subsequent babies do) so he was a little smaller and came out in only 20 minutes of pushing. I suffered no tearing at all from him.

As for your first born, you will question how it is going to turn out once #2 arrives. I found out I was pregnant with my DS only a few months after giving birth to my DD. I thought she was going to feel like I was replacing her and I felt like I wasn't giving her enough attention after struggling with morning sickness for the first trimester and being heavily pregnant for the second and third trimesters. I thought she'd be jealous, and she was in the beginning when she realized she wasn't the baby anymore, but after my DS became more mobile and was able to play with her, they became the best of friends. Now she has someone to play with while I get the house chores done. In the end, everything worked out, and I'm sure it will for you too

 

[Ethereal]

Thank you so much for the reassurance. I spoke to OH about it last night and it got very emotional.

I have woken up this morning with a fresh, more positive outlook on this pregnancy, crying as I right this.

I'm upset with myself for being so selfish.

This is OHs first child and I have made it all about me and DD, but I've always been one of those people who is scared of change.

DD will make an amazing big sister, she is so caring, polite and kind to others, she loves babies too. I will be able to find a way to balance out the attention so both get enough

I will go to pregnancy yoga, and when baby comes go to baby classes to hopefully find new friends.

Surnames dont really matter too much. If anyone gets confused I'll just explain!

OH treats DD very well and they have bonded brilliantly so far, he has said he will become more proactive with her, this morning he took her downstairs for breakfast while I got ready l, no objections from her either!

Our relationship is fine, we have been through many ups and downs so far and we are best friends so I am sure this will make us, not break us.

I am now feeling much more excited about this, I have my booking appointment today and I'm looking forward to all the good bits about pregnancy

Thank you all so much for your reassuring comments, its nice to know I'm not alone when I'm feeling low xxx

 

[kneeswrites]

Please don't feel bad about being "selfish," you're allowed to care about yourself!

I can definitely relate to you. I just turned 24, and finding out I'm pregnant with this baby was an emotional roller coaster. I am married to my partner but I can even relate to you on the surname thing - we originally planned to all take husband's last name, so gave our daughter his SN, but then recently we decided to actually take MY last name so now we have to change his name and my daughters, and this child may very well have a different last name from my daughter and it just all stresses me out. I was also just getting in shape and getting my life back after 2 years of my daughter not sleeping through the night and me basically taking care of her all the time. And to top it all off we are living with my grandfather, my husband is in school and I'm out of work due to disability! So I don't know what the future holds. I have managed to become excited, truly excited, though it did take a while. I know everything will be okay as long as I have my kids. We are so young, we have so much time to do the things we want to do, and our lives will be so much richer with our children.

Sorry for the ramble. I hate to see ladies on here who feel bad for being anxious about an unplanned pregnancy. It's okay to not be excited at first or ever. It doesn't mean you're selfish!

My daughter is also 2ish btw and I struggle with depression. So if you ever want to talk, haha, it seems we have a lot in common in terms of where we are in life. Just never feel afraid to come here on BnB. There might be one or two ladies who judge you but the majority are so kind, accepting, and supportive. I don't know what I'd do without this forum.

 

[lilmisslilly]

Ethereal I'm sorry you are feeling this way but I just wanted to say that you are not on your own. I too and expecting my second child to father no.2. Me and my husband split at the beginning of the year and I had a brief and silly fling with another man straight after the split. I ended things with him when I realised I had made a mistake and it wasn't what I wanted and then a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant so I am now going to be a single mum with 2 children to 2 fathers and it terrifies me. Everything you have listed on you post I feel too. My midwife has told me that it isn't uncommon to feel this way and it's surprising how many second time mums do feel the way we do. However, it doesn't really make me feel any better. I've never put my situation on here before or spoke about how I am feeling through fear of being judged and I know this probably won't help you at all but I just wanted you to know your not alone xx

 

[Isismoon]

I can understand how you feel about some of the issues you raised, I have a son 21 in a weeks time, I split with his abusive dad when he was less than 1 year old, met someone else and had a daughter who is coming up 18. My oh family accepted my son as their own and still do now even though we split when our daughter was again less than a year old. I was a single parent until 2 years ago, dealing with my oldest who has autism and was very violent. I met my husband online after not seeing him for 19 years, and moved away when I was 7 months pregnant with my 2 yr old. So I have been here 2 years, no family of my own, most of my family disowned me when I moved, ( i am 40 and pretty sure I can make my own decisions!) so.... here I am, only my husbands parents and brother for support, no friends with me being an older mum and the baby clubs/toddler groups are full of young mums. However, I have my children, and to me they are the most important thing, I was hoping to find a part time job or go to college when my 2 yr old started school, but now that's on hold for another few years. You will adapt and be a brilliant mum. Life isn't always easy and you will look back in a few years time and wonder why you worried about it Good luck