Unhappy with partner-advice and opinions please!

[Catey1979]

Hi ladies,

I was just wanting to ask everyones advice on something thats really been bothering me and I would like some unbiased opinions!

We concieved very unexpectedly in October and Im now 15 weeks It was a total shock and has meant we have had to cancel our wedding as it was booked for July 20th (baby is now due 22nd July!) So a big shock and massive life adjustments.

Before this myself and my partner were both very sociable and often went out separately with our friends most weekends drinking to bars and clubs. This obviously stopped for me as soon as I became pregnant and Im finding it lonely and a bit of a struggle.

In the 4 weeks before christmas my partner continued to go out on his own every saturday night often until 5am. I was really upset as I was finding it difficult to cope with the massive life adjustment and really needed some support. I voiced how it would be nice if he could occasionally do something preganancy friendly with me like a meal or the cinema. He agreed and I thought that the problem was sorted!

There were 2 weeks at the beginning of January where he didnt go out mainly due to the time of year I think but then it all started again! We've just spent the last 2 weekends apart due to nights out and a stag do so I was hoping he might plan something nice together this weekend. But I now find out hes just organised another saturday bender with his mates while I sit home alone again.

What do you think ladies? Am I right to be upset

xx

 

[lilyanne]

I'm sorry things are tough right now. As you said, you both used to go out on the weekends and do your own thing with your friends on weekends. I can understand how you are feeling but TBH I don't think it is reasonable to expect a 180 in less than 4 months from OH. If you want to go out, plan a date night with him and let him know in advance. It's all new for him too and I'm sure it's hard to adjust for both of you.
Do you still keep in contact with your friends and go out? I think it is important to try and maintain your friendships and not cut yourself off. If you find that your friends are just at a different place in life and are no longer compatible with where you are in life, then I would really make an effort to try and meet other people who are in a similar place in life.
At some point I think it will probably be important to sit down and have a frank conversation about what will happen after baby comes. Is he trying to fit it all in now as a final hurrah or does he plan on continuing to go out weekly? Do you expect him to be home every weekend post baby? Do you want him to watch LO one/two weekends a month so you can go out with your friends?
Having a baby really does change things and can add a lot of stress to a relationship; However, with open communication I think it also has the opportunity to bring you both closer together. Good luck!

 

[mummyfin]

Been there! DH took a looong time after DS was born to wisen up and stop going out all the time, we actually broke up a couple of times before he finally started acting more like a parent. I don't have much advice on how to make him see your point of view without all the drama of breaking up, sorry! I think DS was about one when he started going out less after a huge fall out, and he was two/two and a half by the time DH actually came up to parent standard completely I would say, and started to WANT to be a better dad off his own back.

To be fair though, parent wise I can't fault him too much in the past two years. Think you either have to put up with it till he gets to the stage he's ready to settle down properly, or break up with him until he realises he needs to man up.

 

[iluvmyfamily]

I think you're right to be upset. You didn't impregnate yourself and therefore he should be home with you. I never understood why it's ok for a man to go out and do anything he wants when his pregnant GF or wife has to stay home and do nothing. I also understand that just because we feel like crap or worried doesn't mean they have to join in. But it would be nice for them to actually lend an ear or a shoulder and even stay home! The only thing I can think of is maybe he's unhappy that you guys had to postpone your wedding? You really should have a talk with him about this. I know in my first pregnancy DH wanted to go out with his friends and drink. Mostly to celebrate but I was so sick with "morning" sickness that I just needed him around. He panicked most times because it was all new to him, to me too, being that I was in and out of the ER for dehydration. But he came around. Now he don't even hang out with people as they only caused issues with us in the first place. Sometimes it takes time for the guy to actually open his eyes and see what his priorities should be. Nothing wrong in setting some time on the side for your friends but your family should ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS come first, especially if the woman who's carrying your baby will become your wife real soon is at home upset and feeling lonely. I guess if I was a guy I'd do things differently lol.

 

[jojo_b]

Could you come to an agreement whereby he spends every 3rd or 4th weekend with his mates? I actually don't think you're being unreasonable at all - you've had to do a complete 180, and he wouldn't be happy if you hadn't altered your behaviour! It's a joint effort - he needs to support you xx

 

[NaturalMomma]

I would try to compromise. Spend most weekends with you, as pregnancy is a big transformation and you need emotional support, and then have a weekend with his buddies.

 

[bekkie]

May I ask why you have stopped going out? Is it because you're not feeling well or exhausted all the time? Being pregnant doesn't mean we have to give up on living! Sure we can't drink but we can still have a good time. Once my morning sickness finally goes away I look forward to a night out with the girls.

I enjoy my "me" time, so it doesn't bother me that OH goes out every Friday to play poker. I find it really nice to sit and watch the shows I typically don't watch when he's home, have a bath... and just relax on the couch. He doesn't get home till 2ish and then I let him sleep in on Saturday, which means I get to sleep in on Sunday

Maybe just plan something? instead of saying 'one day we should xx' say 'I've planned a date night for Friday - we're going to see a movie and have dinner at xx'

Boys don't always get it... he probably isn't doing it to be malicious, he's just being a boy. If he goes out on Saturdays, then plan something with him for Friday and then something with the girls on Saturday?

 

[kori31209]

Sounds like he's having difficulties with this very sudden, huge life change, and he's probably just going out like that because it's his way of coping... My pregnancy was a surprise too, and my hubby and I fought on and off for the past 2 weeks because we weren't sure how to cope with it.

The problem with your hubby, is that you've been pregnant long enough now, that the immediate shock should be at least close to worn off by now. He should be more supportive of you, the pregnancy, and ultimately his unborn child... have you told him recently how you feel about his escapades? And also just a thought, does he plan on doing this after baby is born? Where's the adult responsibility in all that? I'm assuming you guys aren't college kids just blowing off steam... and don't bars close at 2:30am? what's he doing staying out til 5am?

 

[exoticsiren]

Come to a compromise that works for both of you..my oh goes out too w out me but i enjoy him being away lol

 

[purple_rain]

May I ask why you have stopped going out? Is it because you're not feeling well or exhausted all the time? Being pregnant doesn't mean we have to give up on living! Sure we can't drink but we can still have a good time. Once my morning sickness finally goes away I look forward to a night out with the girls.

I enjoy my "me" time, so it doesn't bother me that OH goes out every Friday to play poker. I find it really nice to sit and watch the shows I typically don't watch when he's home, have a bath... and just relax on the couch. He doesn't get home till 2ish and then I let him sleep in on Saturday, which means I get to sleep in on Sunday

Maybe just plan something? instead of saying 'one day we should xx' say 'I've planned a date night for Friday - we're going to see a movie and have dinner at xx'

Boys don't always get it... he probably isn't doing it to be malicious, he's just being a boy. If he goes out on Saturdays, then plan something with him for Friday and then something with the girls on Saturday?

I agree with this, you can still go out and to be honest i think you should take advantage of being able to.

I felt the same with my first pregnancy, was so jealous when hubby went out as we used to go drinking together every weekend.

He never really went out that much though to be honest. Again though i'm pregnant again and I'm jealous when he goes out which is once every few months, if that.

You're not going to be pregnant forever, enjoy the time you have to yourself while you can and go out. I also agree that you should just book a meal or a date and get him told. Now is the time to take advantage of spare time for both yourselves and each other.

I think i'd be more worried about whether he expects he'll still have the same lifestyle once baby is here?