Confused75, I'm so sorry for your losses. I can tell you that you are not crazy for feeling scared or for feeling like you can't go through another loss. Quite the contrary, you are completely normal for feeling like this after going through more than one loss. One is enough to send anyone to the crazy house, but more than one can send you into a spiral of despair and terror. I know, Ive been there. Starting at age 34 I had 4 losses. My last was an ectopic at 36 and I lost my right fallopian tube. After my 3rd loss I was diagnosed with a condition called adenomyosis and was told by a fertility specialist that I wasnt a candidate for IVF, I would never carry a baby to term and I should find a surrogate if I wanted a biological baby. After each loss I was terrified it would happen again. I didnt think I could handle another one, and yet, I did. When I lost my tube I felt even more defeated. I was pushing 37 and my mother went through menopause at 40. Time wasnt on my side and my body wasnt cooperating. I got second and third opinions and decided that we would try to fast track the next pregnancy with IUI. If I lost it, they would test the baby and see if it was normal. If it was, we would assume my adenomyosis was to blame for my losses and I would move to surrogacy. But that one IUI attempt turned into my lovely daughter who is 2 ½ now. I was almost 38 when I had her.
I think the questions you are asking is how do you know if you can handle another loss? How do you know if you are ready to keep going? And how do you know when to stop? From what Ive read, it sounds like you are going to keep going. Part of knowing if you are ready is time. But when time isnt on your side, sometimes you just have to plow through even if your heart hasnt caught up. One thing that helped me answer these questions was to ask myself in 10, 15, 30 years, would I regret my decision to stop trying? My answer was always yes. I also asked myself what would really be the outcome of another loss. Would I have a mental breakdown? Or would I use the coping skills I had come to learn from my previous losses? I realized that I had enough in me to keep going, that I wasnt going to end up suicidal or so depressed that I couldnt function. Dont get me wrong, my losses caused a deep, deep depression and a profound grief. But somehow I knew that I had the resources within me to keep going. Had I lost my 5th pregnancy, I might have felt differently. Its hard to say. All I can say is that I knew at that time I wasnt ready to throw in the towel. I was lucky in that my mother offered to pay for a surrogate, otherwise I would have had to make a decision about trying naturally and risking more losses or stopping. (My husband wasnt open to adoption). And a surrogate doesnt equal a baby. But what I knew at the time was that I needed a child in my life and I would never be able to live with myself (or my husband) if we didnt try everything in our power to get one. If, once we exhausted all options and still didnt have a child, I know I would have had to do a lot of grief work and refocus my life.
So here are the things I encourage you to do. Ask yourself these questions. Get your husband into the conversation as well. Look at what feels possible. I dont know when your most recent loss was but I also can say that if it was in the past month or two, you may need a little more time to gain some clarity. The shock of a loss can blur your thinking. Your hormones may be out of whack and you are still in the beginning phases of your grief. I also encourage you to get tests for recurrent losses due to your age. I was offered them after my second loss and declined. I lost a years worth of time because of that decision. A lot of places wont do tests until after 3 losses. Demand them. It could be your thyroid, your progesterone levels, a uterine septum or a lot of other fairly easily fixable issues. You might also want to join the recurrent miscarriage thread. The ladies there are a wealth of information when it comes to what tests to get. While there was nothing that could be done for my adenomyosis, we also learned that my thyroid was 2.5 which is totally in the normal range so wasnt being treated. But apparently anything 2.5 or over is linked to recurrent losses, so my specialist put me on a thyroid medication. I was also given progesterone even though my levels were always normal. Finally I took baby asprin and 5,000 mcg of folic acid instead of the recommended 800 because I had a potential clotting disorder. Who knows what caused my successful pregnancy, but it could very well have been a combo of all of these things. I also recommend checking out Alice Domars book Healing Mind, Healthy woman. She talks about the benefits of mindfulness and relaxation in relation to fertility. She has other books about fertility as well, just google her name. Shes a well known and respected expert in the field.
Sorry for the novel! I wish you all the best in this very difficult journey.
I'm terrified as I almost died and want to know why it happened and if it could happen again
