Upset best friend badly

[oliviarose]

Hi ladies,

I could really do with your advice please.... This may be a long one... So please bare with me and I hope it all makes sense... I have no one to talk to about it... As you can gather the person who I would usually talk to I have upset... Very deeply I feel....

Where to start... Me and friend had been friends for over 16years... Seen each other through her moving away with uni, moving back, me having three children... And we are still the best of friends.... Also good friends with her family... Her sister is now a close friend... Our boys are very good friends....

Bit of background on friend... Still lives at home with parents and a yr 1 teacher... Has been a teacher for 2.5 years now..Has a boyfriend who she has been dating for roughly 9 months... She did things as you do when you leave school... College and then off to uni.... Finished uni and she struggled to get a job in what her degree was in(art and design) so she had a couple of shop jobs and the got a job in the offices at a vet.... When she got this job she was over the moon everyone was lovely... Etc... But down the line around 1.5 years later she hated it... She had just bought a car(well her parents did and she was paying them back)and she also had a holiday booked.. There was one particular member of staff who wasn't nice to her... So she decided that she wanted to be a teacher as she couldnt get a design job... Cue her just quitting her job! In this time she got voluntary work in schools to gain experience and also did TA courses to help support her application... She did this as she was too late to apply for the PGCE that year... The year after she started her PGCE... Lucky girl her parents paid for her fees... She quickly hated the course whilst she was doing it... But she stuck it out... Passed and got a part time job at a school... Brilliant you'd think... No... She needed a full time post to complete her NQT... As the part time work was not going towards that... So a friend got her her current job... She is in her second year in this post... And all she ever does is moan about her job... The amount of times she has said it is not worth it.. Children's behaviour... Work load... Ofsted.... Well recently they had a bad ofsted inspection... So now the pressure is on her/school even more to bring it back up to standards...

Bit of background on me... Mum of three children DD10, DS1 3 and DS2 1... Married for 2 years now and just gone back to work as a HCA at the hospital...

Well the other night I had friend who is a teacher telling me how upset she was as she was just over a week over due with her first baby... She finished for mat leave February half term and is due back in sept as she is the main earner... So she was understandably upset that baby still hadn't arrived as she will only be 5 months old now when she returns to work... I sat and watched my husband apply for a new job online and After a couple of hours applying for it it told him the job wasn't available now! He is trying to get a better job to support us better as three children is expensive... He would love to train to do something but he can't as he is the main earner and even on a full time wage I couldn't support us all while he trained... And I can't train in what I want to do yet as kids are still so young and husband works long hours and days... So I need to be there for them....

Same night I was going up to bed and received a text off friend telling me that she was going to give up the teaching and looking into nursery nursing as she loves working with the children... So this got my back up a little... What had happened above and also tiredness from post night shifts and children being hard work.... So I text hubby as he was still downstairs... "Friend is giving up on teaching.... It's too much hard work... Waste of a degree... Not surprised as her parents funded it for her... So she doesn't have to worry about quitting... But she is looking at being a nursery nurse as she loves working with kids!" Only problem is I sent it to friend instead of hubby... I tried to delete it whilst it was sending... But it didn't send.... Sent an apology back as I felt awful... Not heard off her....

I have spoken to her sister to see if I could have a chat with her... She said no as she didn't want to be piggy in the middle... Which I totally understand... I just wanted her advice on what the best way to deal with it would be... As she knows her better than anyone... I don't have any other close friends I can talk to to get advice...

I am so upset... All my own doing though I know.... I can't see the friendship lasting... I certainly know how I would feel if the shoe was on the other foot....

What got my back up is how fortunate she has been.... She has got the job she so desperately wanted and now because it is too hard she is going to quit! I know there are so many people out there who would kill for the opportunities she has had....

I'm not going to hear back off her... It's been 4 days now... Do I text her? Email her? If so what do I say... Do I explain the above to her... Send her a card? Flowers? I just don't know...

I also have the problem of seeing her mum and sister everyday... My middle boy and her youngest are good friends... They go to preschool together 3 days a week and play group together twice a week... Her mum is also not one to mince her words... So she will take pleasure in bitching about me.... Only thing I feel I can do is stop play group and change days at pre school....

Can you please tell me what you all would do please...

 

[nic18]

I'd email her, your her best friend and sometimes you've got to be harsh to help!
Let her know exactly how you feel and think about her situation, but also let her know your willing to help her!
Hope you two can work through this x

 

[Bex84]

well as someone who did teacher training and worked as a primary school teacher I will tell you its stressful. I had no life outside of work and my husband who is a teacher has been getting stressed (and he is laid back) at his work and a lot of the people he works with have found new jobs. There is a reason why a high percentage of teachers quit within the first 5 years (2/5 teachers in the uk). When I was pregnant with lo I came home crying every day, the work load was huge and to be honest you get no respect for it, people think you work 8-3 and then have long holidays. I got in to school between 7.30-8 and then left at 6 pm when they locked up, went home ate and then worked on paper work till 10/11. I worked at least half my holidays, constant stress was put on us for off stead, we had constant meetings, making sure parents were happy, making sure children were happy and learning, writing reports, lesson plans, marking, risk assessments, IEPs etc. I only type this to show to be honest I would have been upset by that message. I have not gone back into teaching after having lo because she would have two parents doing the heavy work load so I have stayed at home which works best for our family. I feel a lot less stressed and I will eventually go back to working with children though yet to decide if I will go back into teaching (I love children, but I think teaching has become more about politics and paper work). I think you need to apologise, I personally paid for my training through student loans but it doesn't really matter how people paid, I personally worked 2 jobs to get through university where a lot of my friends had parents pay and I would never judge. Most people will change career at some point in their life's and they need to do what is best for them. I know a lot of people I trained with have left the teaching profession and my husband knows a lot in fact I think there has been about 8 people he works who friends with that have left to work as something else. I think I would email her and say you are sorry, that it wasn't your place to comment, that you want to support her, that you said things you didn't mean because of outside situation not her, that if she needs someone to talk with you are there. I had people to talk to as I know a lot of people in same job who understand. I know a lot of people currently off for depression, and the horrible situation and strain offstead put on a school is really a horrible environment to work. My husband who has always wanted to be a teacher, loves working with kids has talked about quitting teaching due to a similar situation to your friend. I think it will all boil down to being understanding and not comparing her situation to others, she needs to do whats right for her. Sorry if any of this seems mean but I do understand why your friend may want to leave her job

 

[lilyd]

Your posts reads very much as though you are jealous of the opportunities that your friend has been given and that is exactly what I would tell her (if that's the case)

It is really easy to judge other people for their choices, she may do the same to you.

I would apologise and tell her that you are envious of the opportunities she has been given and that whilst you did mean it, you do understand that it's easy to look in from the outside and see a different picture.

I would hand write a 'sorry' card and deliver it with a bunch of flowers.

Hope you can salvage the friendship x

 

[oliviarose]

No that was not mean.. I am thankful for the advice... Thank you ladies....

I totally understand that it is a stressful job... I hear it first hand off her... I know they work during holidays, late through the night and no help from senior staff... But other people get that with different jobs...

Where I work we do 13hr day shifts and 12 hour night shifts... Far too understaffed, lucky if we get more than a 10minute break on our shifts... And I am only a HCA... The nurses have it even worse... We very rarely get thanked for what we do... My husband... He is a manager in a shop... Staff keep leaving, but none of them get replaced... But the same work needs to get done... So he has stay over every night to ensure it is all done... No extra pay for it... He gives them so much of his free time... And he never gets any thanks for that either....

 

[oliviarose]

Your posts reads very much as though you are jealous of the opportunities that your friend has been given and that is exactly what I would tell her (if that's the case)

It is really easy to judge other people for their choices, she may do the same to you.

I would apologise and tell her that you are envious of the opportunities she has been given and that whilst you did mean it, you do understand that it's easy to look in from the outside and see a different picture.

I would hand write a 'sorry' card and deliver it with a bunch of flowers.

Hope you can salvage the friendship x

Thank you... You could possibly be right to a point... I would love to train in the career I would like to do... Unfortunately the time is never right for me.. So that could frustrate me that she has had so many opportunities and just keeps giving up....

 

[oliviarose]

Just to add I have already sent an apology message... Straight after the message sent.... So wondering what the next step should be...

 

[Bex84]

I definitely understand you get it in other jobs. I have worked other jobs and they were all stressful in their own way. I think at the moment there is a lot of anti teacher sentiment going around and it makes an already hard job very demoralising. My sister feels the same situation with nursing especially with the pay freezes going on with public sector and the amount you pay in to pension with very little return

 

[Bex84]

Maybe go knock on her door with a bunch of flowers or get delivered and just say you are sorry, that you will be their for her and that you spoke without thinking but never wanted to hurt her and you hope she can forgive you

 

[oliviarose]

Jobs aren't what they used to be anymore... And stress comes with every job nowadays.... I worked on a check out at tesco for 8 years... Simple job you would think, but no by the end of my 8 years the things you had to do for the job was silly!! The amount of times I got told off for not asking customers if they had a club card! And that's an in the office telling off! Always told excellent customer service... But you need to ask for club cards....

 

[oliviarose]

Maybe go knock on her door with a bunch of flowers or get delivered and just say you are sorry, that you will be their for her and that you spoke without thinking but never wanted to hurt her and you hope she can forgive you

I couldn't knock on her door as she still lives with her parents... And you don't want to get on the wrong side of her mum! Think I'm going to type out an email and try to explain things... Not sure how would be best to word it though and get flowers and a card delivered... Not sure what else I can do....

I feel so horrible... All my own fault I know! Just don't know how we can get past it... As I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would have trouble forgiving... And I am also always going to remember what I've done and I will also feel like I need to tread on eggshells around her in a way to keep saying sorry....

 

[Bex84]

we all say things that we regret later on, I would maybe type
Dear ......,
I am so sorry that I have hurt your feelings and I understand why you don't want to talk to me. I typed the message without thinking and was influenced by a frustration about career of my own, which should never have been directed towards you. I understand you work hard and are under a lot of stress, and can understand why you may want to leave your career. The comment made was more a frustration at my own circumstances and something I deeply regret bringing you into. You are a close friend and I do not want to lose you over some ill thought out words. I will always be here to support you whatever direction you decide to take your life. I really did not mean what I said. I will never stop regretting how I have hurt you and if I was in your shoes I would have a hard time forgiving to. I just want you to know I am sincerely sorry, and I hope I have not wrecked a very important relationship to me with the words I so deeply regret. I hope one day you can forgive me

Love .......


There may have been valid reasons to your message, I know I do get frustrated when some people seem to get handed things on a platter. I would be surprised if she let a friendship go over this as we all make those ill thought out comments

 

[lovelylaura]

It's difficult but i do understand your initial frustration. Everyone wants to better them selves but not everyone has no priorities to be able to drop everything to do this. It's almost like she's not in the grown up world yet. However i think you just need to grovel a bit. Email's flowers cards ect. It will take time for her to get over it i would imagine.

 

[lhancock90]

I think whilst i do understand the frustration her situation is completely separate to yours and anyone elses and its unfair to judge or be angry at her because she has different opportunities.
I would message her again explain how sorry you are and how annoyed at yourself you are, that it was a kneejerk reaction on a stressful night and it was uncalled for no matter who it was sent to.

xx

 

[Eleanor ace]

I can totally see why you felt frustrated, and jealous, I think that is understandable. I can also see why your friend would quit her job- teaching is hard. Obviously other jobs are hard, and have their own stresses, but unless you've taught you really don't know what its like (I'm not saying it is harder than other jobs, just different). Just as she didn't understand how stressful it would be when she went into it, and why she wants to quit now. And although you might think she is giving up too easily it is probably for the best- imagine if your childrens teacher hated her job and didn't feel up to doing it, I bet you'd want her to leave.
She is definitely very lucky to be able to rely on her parents for financial support, but you can't blame her for accepting it and pursuing a job she loves and I imagine that you would do the same- if money wasn't an issue, you'd train to do the job you want to do right? It is totally natural to feel jealous that she has the opportunity to do that and you and your OH don't, but its not her fault.

I would send her a letter (or an email, but that is easier to delete without reading!) explaining that the text was intended for your husband and that you wrote it in a moment of frustration (at your own situation, not at her) and jealousy. I'd explain that you understand why she wants to leave her job and that you think she'll be a great nursery nurse. You could maybe tell her that you worry that because she has the security of her parents financial support she changes career on a bit of a whim and that you want her to be happy and settled in a job she loves.
I think the only thing you can do is apologise profusely, give her time to be hurt and process whats happened and hope that she will forgive you. I wouldn't change your playgroup days- if her family give you any grief just explain to them that you are so sorry, that you acted out of frustration and regretted what you wrote striaght away, and that you really want to make it up to your friend. Although they might be difficult for a little while its not as if you've killed someone!

I really hope she does forgive you and that you can move past this

 

[Pearls18]

Firstly, hugs, when you started talking about the text I was thinking "noooooo please don't say she sent it to the friend!"

Secondly, I'm sure you're aware of this, but you don't have any right to be annoyed at her life choices. She's not harming anyone, it's very easy to sit on the outside and judge, she's obviously very hard working, kudos to her for getting the PGCE done when she wasn't into it as it's not an easy course. But I totally know what it's like to be annoyed about someone, you would never mean to tell them, you wouldn't let it affect your friendship, you just like to moan about it to hubby. Totally get that.

Unfortunately, she got the text. All you can do now is grovel, she has no apology to make to you, she can't help the way she feels about work and it's just lucky she has her parent's support so that it doesn't affect her negatively financially. I really hope she doesn't throw away the friendship over it, although I'm sure she's hurt I really don't think it's the be all and end all, you werent scathingly nasty, it does just come across as jealousy. If it were me I would either try and pop round, but if you're friendship isn't like that I would write an email/letter, admitting you were wrong, saying you're sorry and maybe just explaining why you felt that way but you know it's not your place iykwim?

 

[oliviarose]

Thank you so much ladies... safe to say yyou have to ou have me in floods of tears now... I've been so stupid....

I can't reply individually as I'm on my phone...

Thank you for the help bex... I will use that as I'm not the best with my words...

and yep marina I sent it to my friend!!! You have to lol at my stupidity!

 

[Bex84]

don't beat yourself us, we have all had those foot in mouth moments and you think I wish I never said that. You made a throw away comment which we have all done and it got sent to the wrong person. You are not a bad person. I don't believe any one could say that they have never said something judgemental, it is just in a majority of cases it doesn't get sent to the person.

 

[jd83]

I think all you can do in that situation is apologize profusely, a well written letter/card, send flowers, etc. Give her some space to deal with her hurt/anger. I'll be honest, if I were in her place, I would be heartbroken to receive a text like that talking about my life decisions coming from my best friend. If it were me, it would be forgiveable with a proper apology, but I would definitely need time to get over it/deal with the hurt. As much as I'm sure you just want to fix this now, I think its just going to take apologies, and time. Send her cards/flowers, even on a regular basis if needed, to let her know how much she means to you and how sorry you are for what happened.

 

[Pearls18]

Thank you so much ladies... safe to say yyou have to ou have me in floods of tears now... I've been so stupid....

I can't reply individually as I'm on my phone...

Thank you for the help bex... I will use that as I'm not the best with my words...

and yep marina I sent it to my friend!!! You have to lol at my stupidity!

I'm sure most of us have done it, or had the heart in our mouth moment when we thought we had done!