Vaginismus and childbirth = problem! :S (long post)

[shirlls]

Sorry, this is a bit long!

I was uncertain whether or not to post about this on here as it is really embarrassing and isn't something I am proud of, or feel totally comfortable with sharing with so many people. I even considered posting this under another username out of embarrassment but as I have had great support about other things from people on here I've just decided to share it under my usual name. Please don't judge me here, what I feel is very real and I would give my left arm to not have this.

Well, the title sums it up really. I suffer from a condition called vaginismus which for those of you who don't know what it is, it is a condition where intercourse can be very painful, and sometimes impossible, as the muscles tighten up and go into spasm or closes the vagina completely over. It has really affected my self-confidence over the years as well as of course, my sex life. I have only had a few serious relationships including my husband, one of which actually ended because of the stress of me being unable to go through with intercourse on many occasions. I've seen a sex counsellor about it, tried hypnotherapy and spoken to my GP enough times that I care to remember, but nothing has helped . When I was a child I had constant pain down there due to recurrent UTIs and infections, I had constant examinations by doctors and specialists, so I don't know if this has been the underlying cause.

I know you'll probably be wondering 2 things by now, 1) how did I get pregnant?, and 2) How am I going to get through childbirth? The answer to the first question is it doesn't happen ALL the time, and I do manage to have intercourse, but I just can't do it 'just like that' or at allocated times as sometimes it just doesn't happen and I just can't do it as it is too sore. The pain is stinging, like a burst blister and almost unbearable (I know I sound pathetic but I swear, my pain threshold is actually quite high, but this pain when it happens is awful). Some nights we have tried and it has been fine, however as a result of my history with it, sex isn't something I enjoy and when I have managed it, it is for OH's sake. OH has been fantastic about it and really understanding. I have insecurities as a result of the vaginismus and I wouldn't blame him if he left me for someone else who can 'put out' whenever they want. We do oral sex which is fine and have a physical relationship other ways which doesn't involve penetration (sorry if tmi!) when I can't do it, but it isn't the same.

I also feel jealous of my friends of whom some are single, and have one night stands, something for me which when I was single, or if I was single, would be impossible. I feel abnormal and angry with myself and my body or not letting me be 'normal' when it comes to sex and anything which involves my 'downstairs' . My only consolation is that I manage it at all as I know someone who had it once and they could never do it at all

Anyway! I am rabbling now. The answer to the 2nd question is why I am writing this post. I guess I just hoped I could cope with childbirth and didn't give it much thought until now. I am 24 weeks this Tuesday coming and as time is getting nearer to the birth and it has become a reality, I am starting to really worry about it. I had 2 mcs before this pregnancy, both natural mcs, so up until now I have just been taking the whole pregnancy one step at a time and my priority has been the baby being ok. Now I am nearly 24 weeks, I am starting to have some more confidence in the pregnancy going ok, and with the midwife starting to talk about birth plans, etc, the birth itself has started to become more 'real'. I have spoken to my midwife about it and I am seeing a psychologist at the maternity assessment unit next week about it so there are wheels in motion for me to talk to someone about it. I had an internal examination 2 weeks ago and it was a nightmare, I was writhing in pain and the nurse couldn't understand it, this is what prompted my referral to the psychologist. Yet, believe it or not, I had a vaginal ultrasound at 9 weeks and I was completely fine and not in pain then, weird .

I had hoped for an epidural or c-section birth but not sure if either is possible. I think there has been a bit of denial there too, e.g. deliberately blocking it out as though for some reason the birth wasn't going to happen. I am terrified, as I know pregnant woman is about giving birth, but the vaginismus is really making me question how I will get through this.

Thanks for reading and not judging. x

 

[Jslyn9996]

I have no real advice for you. But wanted to give you hugs and a big you can do it! Hopefully whomever you will be speaking to can help in some way. Im sorry you have to go through this but with the support from your oh and your dr.s and the thought of the little one inside you, youll make it through. Thinking of you

 

[Katiekola]

You are very brave and I am sure that everyone here will think that too. Its great that you got through the vaginal Ultrasound and perhaps this is an indicator that you will be okay. Its difficult to know what to say but I am sure that given your history if you wished to have a c-section, they would schedule you one?

 

[Scooby12345]

i have a friend who suffers with this too. She has been through four four vaginal labours with no problems so i hope it can be the same for you. good luck.

 

[lollipop92]

No real advise here either, but I just wanna say that you sound like a really brave person and that I'm sure you will get through it! Even if it is hard, you will manage one way or another, hugs xx

 

[bookreader]

I used to also have real issues and pain when having sex, so much so it was impossible for a while. I thought i had this.
However with the partner i am with, i have not really had any problems, and i kinda feel like i outgrew it, so i dont really know what the issue was in the first place.

I once went for a smear test but couldnt do it as the pain was so bad.

i have thought about childbirth too, but i think that the pain was the inserting and giving birth is obviously going in the other direction, so i am hoping that it will all be fine.

do you think this could be the case for you as well, or do you think the pain will be there for you regardless?

 

[MiniBump]

I suffer with vaginismus too and completely understand where you are coming from. You shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed, you can't help what your body's doing and it's a genuine medical condition that doesn't get enough publicity. When I did a bit of research before becoming pregnant, I read that giving birth shouldn't be a problem as the muscles prevent things going in but won't stop things coming out.

I have mentioned my problems to the midwife but, to be honest, I'm not sure she even knew what it was! (Nothing new there, after 16 years I'm used to people looking at me blankly!)

I was initially set on having an elective c-section but can't bring myself to go through major surgery potentially for nothing so I'm just going to go with it, do lots of perineal massage and hope that my body does what it needs to, making everything nice and loose! I will be insisting on no internals though! (Having said that, in the throes of labour, I'm not sure I'll be capable of conscious decision-making!)

My biggest fear is the vaginismus being worse after the birth (particularly if I have any stitches!) but I'll just have to wait and see. My husband has been fantastically supportive about it so far so we will work together to deal with whatever happens (I was married for 5 years previously but never consummated the marriage and I'm pretty sure that played a huge part in it not working out).

Please let me know how you get on with the psychologist because this is possibly something I should be looking into. Good luck!

 

[a1b2c3]

Hi. I know how you feel. I too suffered with vaginismus. To top it off we also had trouble conceiving and I had to go on chlomid.... Basically my body really didn't want to co-operate!

I think it's great that hour husband is do supportive. My husband was too, although I am not going go lie he did have his days! I am 22 weeks pregnant and like you am scared about the birth and how my bidy will function.

I think all you can do is be honest with your midwife and or doctor. Giving birth is scary enough without any other concerns. I would also say to be open with your councillor. I suffered fir almost 2 years before I got help, and although it can still hurt at tomes, the techniques I learnt really help....

For me, I think a lot of it was about control. I had had a bad smear and an operation to correct and that is what set off my vaginismus....

Anyways the techniques that helped me was taking charge of the situation. Doing things at my pace and tapping my husband on the bum when he needed to back off. If I said 'stop it hurts' I think I kind of gave up.... By my little tsp he knew I was uncomfortable, would back off, still kiss me and do other stuff but nit approach down below unless I made s move. I also had to keep reassuring myself in my head that 'my body was designed to do this'.

I was also given Amelie comfort cones by the doctor which really helped. I would lock myself away in the bathroom with a nice bubble bath, some music and a drink and work my way through the cones at my discretion. I would inform my dh before and then he would stay away and give me the privacy I needed.

Over time, my vaginismus has definitely improved. But when I think about the birth and I get scared, I just talk myself around again and have some quiet time to myself to mentally prepare.

Sorry I know j ranted then, it's just I know how you feel and it'd horrible, but you can and you will do it. If you ever want to chat about it, feel free to pm me. X

 

[JamGem]

Thank you for posting about this. I was really worrying about this too but was trying to block it out of mind, in denial a bit I suppose. With all the things to worry about in the 4 weeks leading up to d-day I wish this wasn't one of them.

I'm actually more worried about the internal exams than the labour/birth itself! But after reading your post I spoke to my midwife. She basically said that they have to do the internal exam when you first come into the hospital and then about every four hours to check progress, but they may do it less considering the situation. She's put it in my notes now.

If my last smear test is anything to go by its going to be awful but she did say that they would let me have gas and air beforehand to try and relax, so I do feel slightly reassured.

 

[Deb111]

I have suffered with this for many years too and please don't feel embarrassed about sharing this. As others have said, it is more common than people think, but something that is not discussed.

Smear tests were horrendous for me and would usually take up to half an hour, with the nurse always saying I might be called back as she didn't know if she'd been able to get enough cells, so imagine my fear when we knew IVF was our only option! The fear of the poking and prodding and being 'messed with' was really bad, but like you, internal scans were not a problem. Egg collection was automatically done under a general anasthetic at our clinic (thank goodness, as I think that's something I would have really struggled with) and embryo transfer was, if I'm honest, like a smear test, but longer and not pleasant at all, but it's amazing what you can get through when you so desperately want a baby and have understanding professionals around you.

As others have said, I am reassuring myself that I have a problem with things going in, whereas this baby will be coming out and there wont be any stopping it! I too, plan to ask them to keep the internals to a minimum.

Being in control is definitely a big issue with vaginismus and from my experience, I would avoid internals when you are on your back - try to be in more of a sitting up position - you will feel a bit more in control. With procedures, I also explain to whoever's doing them that I know it needs to be done but if it hurts me, I don't want them to stop altogether and then have to start from scratch again, but to just stop where they are until I can relax a bit more and then continue from where they are. It means that you can get used to it bit by bit and helps me a lot.

Please let us know how you get one with the psychologist xx

 

[MrsBertie]

I think you are really brave for posting - as you can see from above responses you are not alone, this is more common than you would think and it can be a really debiliatating condition for some people. I really hope the psychologist will be able to help you.

Vaginismus is a really horrid condition that is made worse by anxiety and stress reaction, when you are under stress your body responds by tensing up, which makes everything all the more painful and then you are more anxious about it next time making it a vicious circle.

I would definately think it would be sensible to take some time to yourself to think about what about the birth are you most concerned about with regards to your vaginismus:

That it'll hurt (unfortunately it will hurt because its labour, but realising that this is whats scaring you the most could really help you to try and accept this and practice some breathing/ relaxation techniques that wil help you - get your husband to help and be part of it)

That the muscles will tense and stop the baby coming out - the muscles can tense for anyone regardless of wether or not they have vaginismus just in response to the pain, particularly when baby is crowning. A good thing to do here would be to practice pelvic floor excersises and some relaxation techniques that you find helpful, knowing that you might tense and being able to put your self into a mind frame where you can go into a well prepared routine of relaxation and making those muscles relax will help this. Also the body is designed to let babies out and even if the muscles do tense and it's a little more constricted 'down there', he/she will still make an appearance, then you'll have your little baby.

That the vaginismus will get worse after birth because of trauma/ tearing - talking this through with your psychologist/ partner/ midwife should really help. Trauma of some kind is usually what sets vaginisus off and can definately make it worse. You might find it helpful to find out about tears, episiotomies or anything else that is scaring you and ask your midwife to explain why/ how they happen and how they heal afterwards and what you could do in those situations to aid the healing process. Your husband understanding this would also be really useful as it would open the path for communication should this happen and it would give you a really strong starting point to discuss your concerns.

Tha last thing to say is that if none of what you are trying helps and it is really affecting your life panicing and stressing about the birth then you should be able to discuss a C-section with your doctor. It is a major operation and I would try everything you are already trying first, but if the psychological trauma of going through with the birth would be absolutely debilitationg to your life then I would say that would be a real reason to have a C-section.

Best of luck to you and I hope everything goes well and make sure you keep looking to having your little baby in your arms, that is after all the reason why you are going through this!

 

[mischaa]

my sisters really suffered with this until she had a baby she left it a while after the birth to heal etc but shes never been happier as she dont have half the trouble now her doctors belive that its subconcious thats responsible and having a baby changed that for her

 

[aegle]

Thanks for posting, making people more aware of this condition will help others seek treatment more quickly.

I read, somewhere on this site, that one woman also felt much relief from her condition after her baby was born vaginally.

If you believe you can do it... If you can ease your mind enough to push the baby out yourself, I think that's a great way to start healing... Many women go through birth feeling totally in control and in tune with their bodies. That being said, if the idea terrifies you and the experience will be very traumatic, a c section might be a better way to go, as long as you're confident in that decision. It's possible that you'll feel even more out of control when you're on the table and someone else is taking your baby out.

Only you will really know what's right for you.. Do some soul searching, think about what YOU want and How you feel about the options. If you decide to try vaginal birth, really work on relaxation and meditation techniques and know that c section is always an option if things don't progress as planned.

Like another poster said, you have to remember, it's going to hurt, even of you choose to be medicated... And that pain is normal, it's not because anything is wrong with you. Accept who you are, accept your condition as a part of you, and be prepared for things to get difficult. Make sure your OH is prepared to stand by your side and help you push through.

 

[Rosered52]

I have suffered from vaginismus, too, I am so sorry it's worrying you so. As a previous poster described, mine has nearly disappeared entirely after several years of sex with my husband. But (and this is a shameful secret for me), it took us nearly six years together before I could manage full intercourse.

As MrsBertie said, any strengthening and relaxation exercises you can do now will help you. Working to make your muscles strong and get further in touch with how you control them can only improve your experience. You should absolutely have access to pain relief and even a c-section, though. Don't be ashamed or feel like a failure to make those wishes known! Have a clear plan worked out with your doctor about how far you can go before asking for your back-up plan if need be.

You will get through this just fine! It might not be a fully natural birth the first time, but that is completely normal.

 

[becjo10]

I totally feel for you. I have had this issue myself for the past few years and being only 28 myself and my hubby 24 its been really hard for us both, but especially him. Took us a year and a half to conceive and now I am 30 weeks I am FREAKING out about birth. I have read that the condition can get worse after a vaginal birth, so at the moment I am looking in to having a C section. I know this seems like a cop out, but I can FORCE myself to have sex now but if the problem gets worse I wont be able to do it AT ALL. Thats a major thing in a marriage and also if I want to try for a brother or sister for Sprout. Unfortunately public hospitals dont let you have elective C sections so I have to have psych tests, etc. My first one this arv actually. Seriously, if you feel you need a C section for birth then try your hardest. I totally understand where you're coming from and I have tried EVERYTHING to fix my prob with no avail. It frustrates me when docs dont understand my issue let alone want to gamble on the fact that I may never be able to have sex again. Just help me out god damn it ha ha. Good luck!!!

 

[Spunky]

I have had such issues with sex and exams I thought I had this for a while. Major to all those that deal with it!

So, my experience with internals and birth and the such.
Honestly, the internal checks really were bad. I had a sweep that made me want to cry. I was writhing around on the bed and gripping the head board. I SERIOUSLY wanted drugs if they were going to do another sweep (I was 10 days overdue, then they did another at 11 days overdue and ANOTHER at 12 days overdue! He was born the next day). One doctor was good and it only hurt a lot, the others were horrifying! (I hope you are ok with me being perfectly honest). I had many checks while I was in the hospital for 50 hours trying to be induced. Most I don't remember and they were definitely better than the sweeps. 3 different people commented on how tight I was when they checked me (I was like EEEK! How is a baby going to come out if I am obviously smaller than the normal since they commented!) Once I was getting contractions though the pain was somewhere else so the checks were NOT NEARLY as bad! Honest! So if you can avoid most checks/internals until labor, then I really think you'll be better off as you are distracted. It may still hurt (it did for me) but my stomach and back were hurting more so I really didn't concentrate on it!

I would REALLY recommend the epidural. Your body will do wonderful amazing things, it REALLY will, but the epidural allows you to relax (which for me was most of the problem!). I did have a bad tear (3rd degree). I did also have a vacuum assist. I was told a vacuum can make you tear more (as your body is not slowly stretching) BUT my doctor told me I had started tearing before he had even started coming out (I guess I was just really tight down there). They did turn off my epidural for pushing and after 2 hours of pushing and him not coming down (he was at +1 station at 5 am and was still there at 7 am despite position changes and the like). They did then turn my epidural back on and booked me for a c-section. When they epidural kicked into effect I was able to push him low enough for the vacuum. (He was stuck behind my pubic bone.) I will NOT be letting them turn off my epidural this next time to "motivate" me to push harder. Honestly, I don't remember feeling a lot of my vaginal area, mostly just my tummy and back and legs, so I was NOT focused on tensing there (though I might have been I had other more pressing pains!)

I was stitched afterwards. The check at my 4 week post partum appointment was horrible! It was so painful on the outside (she did the two finger check). THe part that really hurt was the outside part being stretched if that makes sense. She said since it was so painful we might want to wait till 8 weeks to have sex. We did, and it was still painful. My recommendation: lots of foreplay and LOTS and LOTS of lube. Honestly, sex at 5 months post partum was the best sex of my life. Felt great, wasn't stressful as it had been before sometimes.

So my suggestions: Refuse any unnecessary internals and sweeps. I let them do mine as I was really hoping I was progressing, I wanted positive news! Then for the sweeps, at that point I was ready fr a little pain if it got my baby out! (10 days overdue I got a little desperate!) I hear in the UK they don't do as much. And I really don't think it's medically necessary for them to do checks. I didn't have a problem with checks during labor, and then they kind of DO want to know. Sweeps were bad though, but if I go way overdue again I'll ask for one (but only from MY dr! She wasn't EVIL about it!). Epidural, YES. Sex afterwards, have some alcohol (internal lube lol) and some external lube! Take it slow, if it doesn't work the first time try again in a few days! Don't give up, it wont hurt forever, but it may hurt lots in the beginning.

If any of you have any ?s for me that I may be able to answer feel free to reply or PM me. I'm sorry I can't be of much more help. I did cry the first 2 weeks after birth due to the tear hurting, BUT it did feel better after 2 weeks AND look at me! I WILLINGLY on PURPOSE got pregnant again! We started trying again when James was only 6 months old, so really it wasn't that bad. I'm NOT looking forward to labor again, but I'm not dreading it....yet. Much love ladies, and best of luck in your pregnancies and labors.

 

[Emerald87]

Ladies - I have this issue too. I have just bought myself a device that helps me, erm, "stretch" my area before birth. Hopefully I can get all the way to 10cm before the big day.
It's called the Epi-No. Here's the Aussie website for the info: https://www.epi-no.com.au/
As for ordering, you'll have to find your country's site.
I'm looking forward to it; apparently at the very least it gives you a sense of control on the big day. Losing control is one of my biggest issues, thus causing my vaginismus.

 

[wellsk]

Hi there, I know I'm coming a little late to this conversation, but I just wanted to say big hugs to Shrill and everyone else who has suffered from vaginismus

I developed vaginismus after my husband became very ill and I had to care for him in what my psychosexual counsellor considered as a 'motherly' way. But ontop of this also have severe problems with loss of control.

After several months with a counsellor I've finally been able to have penetrative sex a few times a months (rather than 4 times in 2 years previously!), although it still causes terrible pain.

I just wanted to say that I have every sympathy for what everyone on here is going through. And thanks to the ladies on here who have given me reassurance that I will be able to give birth vaginally.

But at the same time, I'm frightened that I won't be able to conceive because I can't have sex regularly. I came on here to say something, because it seems that there are not many threads about vaginismus.

 

[Emerald87]

Thanks for re-visiting this thread. I've actually found something which I've bought to try and help this issue. It's called the Epi-no; essentially its a pump that helps stretch and prepare the area in the 4-6 weeks before birth Hopefully it goes well!!

 

[Suffysmom]

I too have been there and there is help for it. https://www.womentc.com/content.php?keyword=vaginisumus