Vent: When people tell you to adopt...

[Hiswillbedone]

I just wanted to vent bc I get some people that say "why don't you just adopt". And the thing is that my hubby and I WANT to adopt, in fact we are going through paperwork now. But we still want our own child too... People just don't understand ...Thank you all for letting me vent

 

[drsquid]

hope you dont mind me posting.. but i agree.. people seem to imply that if you have any difficulty conceiving then you are somehow selfish not adopting rather than continuing to try. used to make me crazy. personally i had no interest in adoption but... it isnt like it is the first question couples get asked when they get married... ie when ya gonna adopt, so why should it be the first question to people who struggle?

 

[arizonagal]

I hear you! I would LOVE to adopt, maybe even prefer it... But my hubby is adopted and I think he really liked the idea of having a blood relative..but we haven't had any luck. Sometimes people don't know the whole story and should keep their "advice" themselves!

 

[2have4kids]

It's flippant comments like this that irritate me too-I would never assume this of someone and I don't want to answer to this kind of inquiry. As selfish as it may seem, I want to see a little DH running around, with reflections of me and him in a unique little angel and I don't want to have to explain this to every nitwit asking me about adopting. I fear getting a child with all sorts of health problems through adoption, not something I would air to friends-I'm sure it's a silly fear but it's not really something I'm interested in so it'll be our last resort.

 

[manduh726]

Personally when someone says this to me I feel like they just punched me in the gut. If I wanted to adopt would I be trying so hard. In your situation you both. In mine I want just one child that is part me and my husband. I just stop talking to the person when they says this. Obviously they didn't care enough to listen to whats go on to know.

 

[karenh]

DH and I were trying to adopt and people kept asking why we don't try harder to have our own. REALLY? Because I haven't been trying for the past four years?!? Then they tell me to just stop trying. If I stop it will help. Can't people just leave my ttc journey between me and hy husband. Really! Sorry.

 

[2have4kids]

Well there you go, you just can't please everybody but the variable remains how best to deal with nosey people. Can we get our heads together to put some greT come-backs on the table? This is one thing i'm pretty crap at...nipping it in the bud professionally, calmly and respectfully when eople don't present themselves this way (asking these sorrs of questions is clearly distespectful & nosey).

 

[MrsAttard]

This irritates me as well! First off, use a little sensitivity. Second, don't you think we've at least considered that? And third, they say it like it's so easy! Honestly, DH and I would move right on to adoption if we thought it was financially feasible. Also, adoption can be a long and arduous process, and there's still a chance you won't be approved! Adoption requires that you prove that you're worthy of being a parent, and you pay thousands of dollars to do so. But to conceive naturally or even through assisted conception....you don't have to prove anything to anyone! I also don't think we should have to justify why we want our own biological children....it's only natural.

 

[RainAngel]

i have the whole "why dont you just adopt" all the freakin time. What about the ones that *CAN'T* adopt?! people need to think before they shoot their mouths off. People keep asking me when I'm gonna have a kid. I've been tryin for 7 years people, back off

 

[wannabeprego]

My sister said this to me the other day, "Why don't you guys adopt?" and it pissed me off.

First of all adoption is a huge decision, and some people want to do it and other people may not want to. It is an individual choice and no one can tell you if this is the right choice for you, it comes down to what you and your OH feel is right for your family.

Secondly adoption is very expensive, especially if you want a new born baby. I have friends and a family member that chose to do adoption. It costs anywhere from about $20,000.00 to $40,000.00 and upwards. My brother and his wife waited for 2 years on a waiting list to adopt my niece. The birth mother chose them out of several other families that were waiting. You have to prove that you are going to be fit parents and wait a very long time to get a new born baby.

Third, adoption costs more than IVF & ICSI does and I want to try to have my DH's biological child so that will be my next choice, (the IVF & ICS). I agree with another previous poster, that it is only natural to want to have your OH's biological child. I dont have to justify this or explain it to anyone. Most people want this in life it is possible.


Lastly, Adopiton is a very difficult process, which makes no sense when you always hear people saying how there are all of these needy kids that dont have families. It is also for the rich in my opinion, and not affordable for the average middle class american.

So long story short.. I am not adopting....

 

[wannabeprego]

I also wanted to add.. if was so easy and affordable to adopt than why do we see so many people leaving the country to try to adopt??? ......

The answer... because it isn't an easy of affordable process in the United States....

 

[uwa_amanda]

My sister said this to me the other day, "Why don't you guys adopt?" and it pissed me off.

First of all adoption is a huge decision, and some people want to do it and other people may not want to. It is an individual choice and no one can tell you if this is the right choice for you, it comes down to what you and your OH feel is right for your family.

Secondly adoption is very expensive, especially if you want a new born baby. I have friends and a family member that chose to do adoption. It costs anywhere from about $20,000.00 to $40,000.00 and upwards. My brother and his wife waited for 2 years on a waiting list to adopt my niece. The birth mother chose them out of several other families that were waiting. You have to prove that you are going to be fit parents and wait a very long time to get a new born baby.

Third, adoption costs more than IVF & ICSI does and I want to try to have my DH's biological child so that will be my next choice, (the IVF & ICS). I agree with another previous poster, that it is only natural to want to have your OH's biological child. I dont have to justify this or explain it to anyone. Most people want this in life it is possible.


Lastly, Adopiton is a very difficult process, which makes no sense when you always hear people saying how there are all of these needy kids that dont have families. It is also for the rich in my opinion, and not affordable for the average middle class american.

So long story short.. I am not adopting....

I agree with you wholeheartedly. I really pissed me off when some of mine and his family and our friends were like, "You could always adopt...". I want my child to be of mine and my husband's DNA. I don't feel like I would be the same kind of mother to a child that I have adopted. That is my biggest fear about adopting a child. It could very well be all in my head. I know that we cannot afford any treatment above what we have already tried. So right now, we are in limbo on whether we want to start trying again or not...unless my insurance company magically starts covering all fertility treatments. <---that's a big time joke there...that'll NEVER happen!

 

[wannabeprego]

My sister said this to me the other day, "Why don't you guys adopt?" and it pissed me off.

First of all adoption is a huge decision, and some people want to do it and other people may not want to. It is an individual choice and no one can tell you if this is the right choice for you, it comes down to what you and your OH feel is right for your family.

Secondly adoption is very expensive, especially if you want a new born baby. I have friends and a family member that chose to do adoption. It costs anywhere from about $20,000.00 to $40,000.00 and upwards. My brother and his wife waited for 2 years on a waiting list to adopt my niece. The birth mother chose them out of several other families that were waiting. You have to prove that you are going to be fit parents and wait a very long time to get a new born baby.

Third, adoption costs more than IVF & ICSI does and I want to try to have my DH's biological child so that will be my next choice, (the IVF & ICS). I agree with another previous poster, that it is only natural to want to have your OH's biological child. I dont have to justify this or explain it to anyone. Most people want this in life it is possible.


Lastly, Adopiton is a very difficult process, which makes no sense when you always hear people saying how there are all of these needy kids that dont have families. It is also for the rich in my opinion, and not affordable for the average middle class american.

So long story short.. I am not adopting....

I agree with you wholeheartedly. I really pissed me off when some of mine and his family and our friends were like, "You could always adopt...". I want my child to be of mine and my husband's DNA. I don't feel like I would be the same kind of mother to a child that I have adopted. That is my biggest fear about adopting a child. It could very well be all in my head. I know that we cannot afford any treatment above what we have already tried. So right now, we are in limbo on whether we want to start trying again or not...unless my insurance company magically starts covering all fertility treatments. <---that's a big time joke there...that'll NEVER happen!

Yeah, I understand hun, I dont have infertility coverage either, and I am having a hard time affording infertility treatments as well. Big hugs to you!! We will get our BFP's one day!!! Good luck and baby dust to you hun!!!

 

[RainAngel]

my sister keeps telling me to go buy one from china - they're "only $3000!" um, 3 grand would be a couple of IUIs and my own baby!

 

[drsquid]

plus people assume you should be a martyr and take kids with special needs. There is nothing wrong with that but, you need to be a special person to step up and choose that. Just having difficultly with fertility should not be the qualifier

 

[tamithomas]

the comment "why don't you just adopt" on its own is annoying, but what irritates me the most is the word "just". Have those people seen what it takes to adopt? it's not a snap of a finger especially if you don't do it through a private adoption agency. Those people should just keep it zipped. It's just as bad as the "everything happens for a reason" when you announced you MC.

 

[MrsAttard]

the comment "why don't you just adopt" on its own is annoying, but what irritates me the most is the word "just". Have those people seen what it takes to adopt? it's not a snap of a finger especially if you don't do it through a private adoption agency. Those people should just keep it zipped. It's just as bad as the "everything happens for a reason" when you announced you MC.

'Everything happens for a reason' is probably worse than 'why don't you just adopt'! I mean, implying there is a 'reason' is like saying it's my fault, or that I'm being punished for something. Frankly, I take a lot more comfort in my situation thinking that it's random, or nature, or science.

 

[sugarpi24]

what makes me upset when ppl say "oh theres always adoption" its like really i wouldnt be able to adopt not the way they comb through your life and finances and stuff the house isnt up to par im sure with an adoption agency...with my school loans we probably have to much debt...so back off! sorry had to vent.

 

[AlyCon]

plus people assume you should be a martyr and take kids with special needs. There is nothing wrong with that but, you need to be a special person to step up and choose that. Just having difficultly with fertility should not be the qualifier

thats my biggest issue when it comes to this! because very rarely do the "just adopt" comments come from other infertile couples or people who have adopted. Its always some one with four freakin kids!!! and no where does it say that you have to be infertile to adopt or that fertile people cant. so why do these comments always get directed at us???

and for the person who asked for a good comeback, the next time some one asks you 'why dont you adopt' just stay calm and politely say this:

"Im not sure if adoption is the right choice for our family, but you seem to be pretty passionate about it- Why dont you adopt a child? Theres so many out there who need good homes! And youre already such a great parent, you'd be perfect!!" and then follow up with a big 'ole hehe i bet that'll be the last time they ask you

 

[wannabeprego]

plus people assume you should be a martyr and take kids with special needs. There is nothing wrong with that but, you need to be a special person to step up and choose that. Just having difficultly with fertility should not be the qualifier

thats my biggest issue when it comes to this! because very rarely do the "just adopt" comments come from other infertile couples or people who have adopted. Its always some one with four freakin kids!!! and no where does it say that you have to be infertile to adopt or that fertile people cant. so why do these comments always get directed at us???

and for the person who asked for a good comeback, the next time some one asks you 'why dont you adopt' just stay calm and politely say this:

"Im not sure if adoption is the right choice for our family, but you seem to be pretty passionate about it- Why dont you adopt a child? Theres so many out there who need good homes! And youre already such a great parent, you'd be perfect!!" and then follow up with a big 'ole hehe i bet that'll be the last time they ask you

That's a good come back, next time some one gives me the I should adopt line I will be sure to try that comeback!!!

And, Yes, it is so true that the people that say the adoption line are the ones with their own biological children already... it s so easy for them to dish out the adoption line like it is the cure all solution to all of our infertility problems, and like it is soooo easy to just wave a magic wand and jutst go out and adopt!!!