Vent: When people tell you to adopt...

[cochy115]

I 100% agree with all of you ladies.

I have to admit that one of my biggest fears in adoption would be having a child that has identity issues. I have an adopted cousin that didn't fare well and had a tough time in her teenage years. Her brother was biological and she felt that she just didn't belong. My coworker's sister is adopted and sure enough, also had a rough time dealing with her identity. I've heard so many stories from first-hand accounts. It's not that they all grow up to be disasters, but I would be so heartbroken if my child didn't feel like they "belonged." It's such a delicate situation...

There was a news story on NPR that discussed adoption "identity" issues and I was overwhelmed by the amount of people that called in to share their struggles with their own adoption.

Just thought I'd throw that out there on top of the other matters discussed on this post.

 

[tamithomas]

thats my biggest issue when it comes to this! because very rarely do the "just adopt" comments come from other infertile couples or people who have adopted. Its always some one with four freakin kids!!!

a to the freaking men! it's so true, it's usually those who pop them out like pez dispensers that are the quickest to suggest adoption. I would LOVE to adopt, it's definitely on my list of to do's in life.. but atm financially we can't afford it nor can we afford the repairs needed to eb done that would get us disqualified. my goal is to have both an adopted and blood related children. My husband is adopted and is very appreciative beyond words can say for his adoptive mother. He looks and talks about her just like as if she was blood related. That's the type of relationship I want, blood or not.

 

[2have4kids]

Well our friends adopted a baby from China, they couldn't qualify for a Canadian baby (maybe age?) and the baby turns out to have severe developmental problems. It's not always a rosy story.

 

[Liesje]

I'm a human pez dispenser (I like that one ) and it bugs ME when anyone suggests to anyone to adopt. It's usually followed by the so many children comment along with the human overpopulation problem story... Like people are such horrible human beings to want their own children?

 

[2have4kids]

I'm a human pez dispenser (I like that one ) and it bugs ME when anyone suggests to anyone to adopt. It's usually followed by the so many children comment along with the human overpopulation problem story... Like people are such horrible human beings to want their own children?

And to add to the end of that statement about overpopulation...here in canada they already know there won't be enough people to fill jobs, pay taxes and support the retiring boomers. Will the government make family-friendly choices such as paying for IVF? No. There's no excuse for people to butt their noses in and dole out ignorant responses and it should be promptly rebutted to let them know they're out of line (or they'll simply spread their judgement on the next unfortunate person).

 

[amjon]

DH and I have talked about adoption, but we do both prefer to have at least one biological child. We may adopt (it's a possibility we can adopt a toddler of my step-cousin through the state and it would be free), but still will continue to try for our own. I would like to have one of our own at home first though. I would really worry about the conditions the baby were in during pregnancy and the genetics that we have no control over. I know if I carry the baby I can control what goes into my body (and eat healthy with extra DHA and other vitamins); if we adopt we really have no control and that could affect the baby for the rest of it's life. I also know what is behind us genetically to some extend and with DH being from a completely different background would have a very diverse pool to pull from.

 

[tamithomas]

I'm a human pez dispenser (I like that one ) and it bugs ME when anyone suggests to anyone to adopt. It's usually followed by the so many children comment along with the human overpopulation problem story... Like people are such horrible human beings to want their own children?

lucky, can I have some of your baby dust please?

 

[MrS. MaBrEy]

the adoption thing is brought up to me ALL the time. HELLLLOOO?!?! we are MILITARY. we move every 3 years! we can't own a home because we move too often! How would i qualify for a baby or even an older child when we arent in 1 place for more than 3 years at a time? (no to mention we make a pittance lol!)
No offense to religious types, but they get me too. "this is GOD"s way of telling you that you wouldn't be fit to raise a child" are you Fing kidding me??? WHO says that to someone?! uhg! *ends personal rant*

 

[tamithomas]

MrS. MaBrEy: amen, "it's god plan" gets under my skin something awful too. If it's his plan, then they stink. lol. But the worst for me, honestly the one that pinches me the most "it's karma for you being resentful towards other BFP's" I'm flabbergasted every time i read that one here on the blogs once in a while. In other words, some have the ordacity to put the blame on the infertile people like as if we deserve this.

 

[born2bamama]

Hey girls, thought id join in on this as i just got this from my sister and i am beyond outraged. We just saw a FS and havent even had tests or tried ART yet... We are far from giving up on the idea of doing this ourselves. People do not understand! In one conversation she mentions the adoption thing and a la-de-da offer to be a surrogate... As though either of those things are easy and im supposed to just pour out my thanks and whatever for something im not even ready to want or consider honestly...its hard enough thinking its never going to happen for us but for her to jump all over these alternatives makes me feel even more hopeless and angry as though ive had my chance now i have to turn to altrnatives... And be happy about it. Dont get me wrong adoption is not off the table for us but.it is insulting to be told its like this for sure so easy thing that is a given. I dont know about yiu guys but i think id need to come to terms with my own infertility and grieve it before being able to healthfully and happily open my arms to an adopted child. Anyway thanks for the rant...it really pissed me off that she could just have that conversation with me...how great it is to know that at least you girls understand. Im becoming more and more aware that i shouldnt talk to others, even family, about this because it just pisses me offf...its mind blowing hiw much people do not understand this.

 

[karenh]

the adoption thing is brought up to me ALL the time. HELLLLOOO?!?! we are MILITARY. we move every 3 years! we can't own a home because we move too often! How would i qualify for a baby or even an older child when we arent in 1 place for more than 3 years at a time? (no to mention we make a pittance lol!)
No offense to religious types, but they get me too. "this is GOD"s way of telling you that you wouldn't be fit to raise a child" are you Fing kidding me??? WHO says that to someone?! uhg! *ends personal rant*

I am a very religious person, and THIS IS NOT God saying you wouldn't be fit to raise a child. If fertility were based on that the world would be a VERY different place. I would have slapped that person.

 

[amjon]

Hey girls, thought id join in on this as i just got this from my sister and i am beyond outraged. We just saw a FS and havent even had tests or tried ART yet... We are far from giving up on the idea of doing this ourselves. People do not understand! In one conversation she mentions the adoption thing and a la-de-da offer to be a surrogate... As though either of those things are easy and im supposed to just pour out my thanks and whatever for something im not even ready to want or consider honestly...its hard enough thinking its never going to happen for us but for her to jump all over these alternatives makes me feel even more hopeless and angry as though ive had my chance now i have to turn to altrnatives... And be happy about it. Dont get me wrong adoption is not off the table for us but.it is insulting to be told its like this for sure so easy thing that is a given. I dont know about yiu guys but i think id need to come to terms with my own infertility and grieve it before being able to healthfully and happily open my arms to an adopted child. Anyway thanks for the rant...it really pissed me off that she could just have that conversation with me...how great it is to know that at least you girls understand. Im becoming more and more aware that i shouldnt talk to others, even family, about this because it just pisses me offf...its mind blowing hiw much people do not understand this.

At this point I would probably consider a surrogate if there was someone in the family that could do it for us, but my sister's doctor has already told her not to get pregnant because of an inherited anemia she has that could kill her if she did get pregnant. We lost our daughter at 27 weeks, then had a MMC, and a chemical pregnancy though, so my body hasn't been the best at holding on the our babies.

 

[born2bamama]

hey amjon,
So sorry for you losses. I just wanted to let you know that I in no way am saying anything bad about surrogacy, and we would definitely consider it someday if we need to. It's just we are only 1 1/2 years into our journey and haven't even found out what's going on yet. We would still like to try IUI or even IVF before making those sort of decisions. Also, she's not really offering, this isn't something she is even in the position to do and hasn't really considered the implications of being a surrogate. At this point it's just like a mindless offer she is making to get me to shutup about feeling hopeless, as if it is supposed to make me feel better. And yes, maybe someday if she truly means it and it works out, than maybe it will make me really happy, it's just at this point it's offending. also, just like the adoption thing, surrogacy is not that easy either, there's still the money issue and just a chance as in any ivf...

anyway sorry for rambling, i just wanted to make sure you didn't think i was bashing surrogacy because i truly wish everyone the best in surrogacy and adoption when they are ready for those options - i just thought this thread was more about venting over those people who butt in where they shouldn't.

 

[amjon]

hey amjon,
So sorry for you losses. I just wanted to let you know that I in no way am saying anything bad about surrogacy, and we would definitely consider it someday if we need to. It's just we are only 1 1/2 years into our journey and haven't even found out what's going on yet. We would still like to try IUI or even IVF before making those sort of decisions. Also, she's not really offering, this isn't something she is even in the position to do and hasn't really considered the implications of being a surrogate. At this point it's just like a mindless offer she is making to get me to shutup about feeling hopeless, as if it is supposed to make me feel better. And yes, maybe someday if she truly means it and it works out, than maybe it will make me really happy, it's just at this point it's offending. also, just like the adoption thing, surrogacy is not that easy either, there's still the money issue and just a chance as in any ivf...

anyway sorry for rambling, i just wanted to make sure you didn't think i was bashing surrogacy because i truly wish everyone the best in surrogacy and adoption when they are ready for those options - i just thought this thread was more about venting over those people who butt in where they shouldn't.

No problem. I know it's not cheap, but if I had someone say that I'd probably at least show some interest and call their bluff. Bet they would NEVER mention it again if they weren't serious.