waiting for perfection and losing patience

[foodiewife]

Hi! I'm new here but have lurked for more than two years. I'm 32 and OH is 35. We've been together for 13 years, married for almost 3. We both have good jobs with great benefits, both have graduate degrees and we just bought a house last November. But he's not ready yet and I'm more than ready and just sooo frustrated. We have friends who are already on baby #2 and we are still WTT for #1! I feel like he's never going to be ready and I'm worried that I'm getting older. The last time we talked about it he said that we should WTT until I'm 34! I told him that I wasn't going to wait that long.

If I'm being honest tho, there are things that we need to wait for...I've not finished my PhD yet, but I have a job and I'm almost done...as in I have an entire draft written. OH hates, hates, hates his current job. Has been stuck in it for going on 10 years and desperately wants to leave but has had no luck with finding something else. Sometimes he talks about going back to school... I need to lose weight before TTC, cut down on drinking, remodel our kitchen, finish painting, save more money, do some traveling and on, and on, and on... Ugh! I know there will never be a perfect time and we want to have at least 2 and I know he wants kids but he's nervous and wants everything to be perfect and its just not reasonable...I know we need to talk about it but I'm afraid it will frustrate/bother him but I guess I should not have to have all of the frustration to myself?

Sorry for the rant...

 

[MindUtopia]

One thing you might what to think about (and talk about, together) is what would happen if you didn't wait? Would it matter that you haven't remodeled your kitchen? Or that you haven't found the perfect job? Or that you haven't finished your degree just yet? And if you didn't wait, would there be a negative impact on your lives that just wasn't acceptable?

I'm generally of the opinion that there is no perfect time. Actually, if I was waiting for all that, we'd probably be waiting til I was at least 40! We had our daughter when I was 32. We didn't own a house - actually, we still don't, but mostly because we know we don't want to live long-term in the area where we live now, so seems pointless to buy. I was in year 3 of a 6-7 year PhD program. My husband had just graduated and was 6 months into a new job that he absolutely hated. We had one decent car and one really ancient one that broke down a lot. We were financially stable (as in not poor), but we weren't and aren't rich, and we certainly don't have all the things we'd like to have. But because we knew we didn't want to be having kids when I was 40 and because I didn't want to be taking time out of a brand new job after I graduated, it was the best time for us.

Like I said, we had our daughter when I was 32. She's 2 now. We still don't own a house, but we don't really want to right now anyway. I'm still working on my PhD and have about a year left. It was a nice break to take in the middle of it - I really needed a break actually! And I don't feel like it set me back at all. Actually, I'm closer to graduating than nearly anyone else in my cohort who haven't taken time off or had any kids. When our daughter was 2 months old, my husband decided to quit his job he hated and start his own business. So we basically went from being a student and someone fully employed with no kids to being on maternity leave and self employed (so pretty much with very limited income) with a small baby in the span of a couple months. His business has been a tremendous success already in just the past 2 years. We even plan to have a second baby next summer before I start a full time university position.

So as you can see, we really aren't those people who waited for the perfect time. I have friends who won't even get married first before they buy a house because they just think that's what you have to do to be smart and secure. But it really isn't the case. And it's not a bad thing to do to be ambitious and have good jobs and a nice house, etc. but it's also not the most important thing and it honestly doesn't really help with the whole parenting thing. Having a support system around you like parents and friends will help a whole lot more when you become parents than having a remodeled kitchen. Basically, there will always be a million 'what ifs' or things you could do, but apart from just being stabled housed (like not being homeless) and not struggling with medical or mental health issues, I don't think they'll really make becoming a parent easier. And there is still life after too. You can still finish your PhD (actually, you can probably finish it before since you're so close already), you can still look for new or better jobs, or start your own business. It doesn't have to be something to decide and prepare completely in advance. Plus, you may find your priorities change anyway once you become parents. I don't think my husband would have been nearly as motivated to work for himself if we hadn't needed the flexibility that provides for a good family life. I also don't think I would have gotten this PhD done faster if I hadn't had a child. You get really good at time management and being organised once you become a parent. So you may find it actually helps you achieve all those things.

Anyway, so I think it's worth talking about together and finding out what his real reasons are for wanting to wait, if those are really it or if it's something else, and how you can address them. But I think most parents will tell you that those things weren't entirely worth waiting for or weren't really what mattered when it actually came down to it.

 

[krissie328]

I agree with what ^^she said. I was just starting year two out of three for my graduate degree when I got pregnant. I was working only 4 days a week and DH was only working half time and going to school full time. It was really hard financially for us. We had been married 8 years, we were still renting and knew we would probably be moving for my internship year. It was definitely not perfect timing in terms of all the things we should have waited for. But we have our beautiful DS and things have fallen into place. Now after ten years we have bought a house, we both have full time jobs we love and I just graduated school. So even though we had out son before things were perfect they have all worked out. There is no perfect time, while there are better times, it is never perfect.

 

[foodiewife]

Thanks for your reply. Congrats on the successful business and progress on your degree, all with a LO to take care of! I'm impressed!

I agree that there will never be a perfect time but I will have to work it through with OH. I think he is worried about being stuck in a job he hates forever. I like the approach to thinking about what would happen if we did or did not wait and what really matters. I also want him to understand that you can still take some risks after having a child, such as the one that you took with opening a business. Maybe I'll start a conversation over the weekend. We are driving to see my parents and we usually have good conversations in the car.

 

[EmmySocks]

I'd say we definitely felt like there would never be the perfect time... I would have been happy to start trying but mr socks wants to wait. Which was difficult, but we talked and tried to understand why he felt we weren't ready (he had lots of ideas like abroad holidays, new jobs, buying houses, a new car briefly featured....) I was devastated, we've been married 3 years but still had what felt like an endless list of things we needed before we were allowed to try. We worked to agree which goals were essential for us (actually thinking about it - none of our goals are essential for raising a baby - just things we wanted). So we agreed on a few main goals (buying a house, decorating, holiday and saving money) and set a timeline - it sounds horrific but it has been good honest! We started this in January and hope to complete all our goals by next January... so far we've bought a house (so at least that's the biggest one off the list) and started decorating! We'd be ok if it happened now but working on our goals is really positive for both of us and hopefully we'll both feel ready when we get there!

Hope you have a happy and short wait. Good luck xxxx

 

[Snizuitz]

Just wanted to let you know, I feel your pain! My husband was NOT excited about starting to try. He also felt like he needed to have his career figured out before we had a baby. We had many discussions and arguments (the good kind where we actually shared opinions and shared feelings) before he was ready to "Not try, not prevent."

It was agony for me. I just knew it wasn't going to be easy for me to get pregnant (I was sadly right about that) and I felt like we needed to give ourselves plenty of time. I was 33 when we started trying and 36 when I had DS. It was a long road, but it also gave up plenty of time to figure things out.

Here's the kicker, hubby didn't get his career "figured out" until DS was almost 1 year old. We also moved in with his mother briefly, bought a new house, and he changed jobs in that time. Yes, it's hard to make life changes with a baby in tow, but hey-- they're portable!

My 2 cents: When you get pregnant, your life doesn't change all at once. You have quite a bit of time to adjust and "get ready." Honestly, the only thing that you really have to do to feel ready is to open your heart to the child who is coming to your home.

Working through this with your partner until you are both on the same page is hard, but worth it. Good luck!

 

[foodiewife]

Thanks for all the supportive replies! We didn't get a chance to talk this weekend but I'm hoping to start a conversation tonight. I've recently come of BCP's after 13 years because I'm tired of the hormones. So we are using POM but it's not something we are used to and already there's been at least one slip-up. That is very exciting for me, but I want us both to be on the same page with what these types of "mistakes" may mean.

Thanks again!