Warning - Rant!!!

[FJL]

I'm sure i'm not alone, so i'm just going to cut loose with this one!

It annoys the fuck out of me when people say that taking a break, a holiday or relaxing is the ticket to getting your pregnant. It is a load of shit.

It especially annoys me when it comes out of the mouths of those who have gotten their BFP's instantly because it goes to show they have no fucking clue of what it is like. If they had to wait months and months or years and had to go through invasive tests and treatments I can bet my bottom dollar that they would not breeze through it all in a relaxed, stress free way.

Ever heard the saying 'walk a mile in someone elses shoes'? I wish to god these woman would put this into practise...

Its not just people on forums, its people in life and fuck me dead I am fed up! I don't smile and tolerate it anymore, I bite back, and maybe too harshly but i'm so over women thinking they're experts on getting pregnant when really, they were just lucky so therefore know next to nothing about getting pregnant.

The hard thing right now is that the 1 person who is going on about how stress affects fertility blah blah blah is my boss, so I can't very well tell her to fuck off now can I?!? Instead I firmly state my opinon that in 'our case' stress has nothing to do with it, and infact we haven't been consciously trying for a baby all year and guess what? Still childless - hello, our problem is not stress related!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, just had to get that out.

I swear, i'm not a psycho!

 

[xXx Vamp xXx]

I don't think ur a psycho at all babes. I tried for two n a half years with an ex of mine, and the ammount of people that would just say "it's because you're trying too hard" "go on holiday" "take a break" "don't try" etc, was amazing. And until they've been there and indeed walked a mile in your shoes hun they wont understand. They *in some way* think they're helping. And pfft @ your boss, I'll growl at them for you!

All I can say babes is I hope you get some good news soon, xXx

 

[Mendy]

I totally agree with you FJL. Me and DH have been TTC for 10 mos and people who dont know say, "Relax, take a break, don't stress, it will happen." Well, stress has nothing to do with it, even though I'm stressed the f*ck out, our problem is that DH has very, very, VERY low sperm count and we need fertility treatments. I am on my second IUI 2WW, even though RE's have told us we really have no chance with IUI's and we should move on to IVF or ICSI.
The problem is we really don't have the money for IVF now, and I want to try IUI for at least 4 cycles, because it only takes one to meet that egg....

So I know EXACTLY what you mean, it annoys the sh*T out of me too, but I try to keep it to myself, but sometimes I feel like screaming my head off!!!!!

Don't worry, we don't think you're a psycho...all us going through this can definitely relate!

And I see you are on your first IVF cycle!!!! Good luck! Wishing you the best!!! If I have to end up doing it, I will probably have loads of questions....hope you don't mind!

 

[loopylew]

Even my Fertility Consultant was like that, suggesting to us that the way forward was to relax and stop charting etc, ot listening to me about my short luteal phase, saying it was the affects of the pill and it will get better in "time" how long is "time"???!!!

 

[FJL]

Loopy, we've had doctors (all doctors we've seen bar our current specialist) tell us to relax too and they of all people should know that it takes more than that. If they think that 'relaxing' will increase my DH's sperm count, very low motility, incredibly low morphology and highly damaged sperm then I reckon they must believe that pigs fly around at night when no one is watching.

Mendy, best of luck for your cycle and I hope you don't have to do IVF. I've got a diary in this section if you want to follow, but feel free to ask any questions.

 

[maz]

I know where you're coming from hun. It is so bloody annoying. If it were that simple there wouldn't be a long term and assisted conception board would there?

Good luck for your journey. I really hope this works for you and you get your little baby to hold very soon.

xx

 

[loopylew]

why do they do that?!! its soooooooo frustrating and not what you need to hear, i think they forget that everyone must have been "relaxed" at first, its the several months/years of ttc which has changed that!

 

[FJL]

Exactly Loopy!!! We didn't start TTC being stressed out. For me, the first 6 or so months were fine. Sure, I wanted a BFP but I wasn't 'stressed out' then I just knew something was wrong, and low and behold I was right...

Anyone that tells you to 'relax' never had a problem falling pregnant. Whenever anyone comments now I say to them 'well you obviously fell pregnant straight away and never experienced the stressful stage...' and i've NEVER had someone say that 'no, it took me a while to conceive', they have all fallen preg straight away (within 3 months). *shakes head*

 

[CurlySue]

At work, the woman next to me who got pregnant twice her first month off the pill keeps saying to me "It'll happen."

The other one, who more or less did the same, says to me "you're trying too hard" (wtf, how can anyone try too hard? Seriously?)

The one who has four kids and has never had a painful period in her life says to me "if you stop thinking about it you'll get pregnant. It's all psychological."

I feel like asking her what is psychological about an egg (which I have no control over and, if I did it would release itself more bloody regularly) meeting sperm (which isn't even mine) and creating a child?

What on earth could mind over matter do for that? Could I lie there and WILL my egg to meet the sperm; the egg I am not even sure I have released? Will that work? Will it work if I just ask it nicely?

As for not stressing out - well, easy for them to say. They do not pass by month after month after month doing negative tests and getting their periods, do they? They don't have to worry that something might be wrong with them and that's why they're not conceiving, that they have to live with the fact that they might never have a child.

It won't 'just happen if we relax' - it just doesn't work that way.

 

[wannabmum]

I know exactly what u mean (as u can tell by avator sorry sp) Some people don't have a clue when we were waiting for our ICSI a friend that knows exactly what going on says u will prob end up preg b4 u get that far wtf DH sperm dont get out his testi he doesn't have a vas so will it f**king orb into me!!!
xx

 

[Loula]

I hear you xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Helen]

Oh God yeah! I totally know where you are all coming from. The "stop thinking about it" and the "just relax" lines were the ones that totally did me in.

I had a Doc (not a fertility one thank goodness) tell me that I should just adopt if I wanted to get PG.

 

[waiting4u]

I hear you! I was trying to let you know of a great site to send to friends and family but I got a warning that I am unable to post it until I have 10 or more posts! Oops. I will post it when I am allowed!!! It is great and helps friends and family to know how much their comments can hurt those TTC - in a nice way though.......I sent it and now just get what we all need. A hug, a shoulder to cry on and a great listener!

 

[akcher]

I know where you are coming from. I had a co-worker tell me "just have lots of sex and it'll happen" They have no idea what we're going through. My mother also asked me "have you tried temping?" after I told her we have been trying for a year. I just want to yell at them "NO SHIT SHERLOCK"

 

[Millnsy]

Ha ha ha!
You are all brilliant and have really made me feel a lot better. My mother in law told me that I just needed to relax and it would happen, the other day. I doesn't matter how much I blood relax if I'm not bloody ovulating! That shut her up! Bless, she didn't mean to be insensitive but I think I got the message across.
I'm off to cry in to a bar of chocolate and cuddle up to a hot water bottle for yet another month, then start the drugs that make me moody and book in for another invasive scan... that should relax me...

 

[chefamy1122]

I feel like I could have written every single one of these posts.

 

[FJL]

Its great to see us all having a good vent

Someone said to me in an email the other day, after I told her that there is a strong possiblity with DH's latest sperm test that we could never have children, she said 'well you can always adopt like all the famous actresses'...I was FUMING...1. For NORMAL people adoption is a 5-7year process, 2. Its because they have money!!! 3. I want a baby with MY husband. How dare she!!! I haven't replied and i'm not going to...

I'd been TTC for almost a year when my sister conceived her 2nd baby (on the 2nd month might I add ) and she had the hyde to say to me 'all I can suggest is that you just relax and let it happen' I snapped at her and said 'how the fuck would you know? You get pregnant straight away you have NO idea' and she came back at me with 'but I stayed relaxed and I got pregnant' HELLO, I was fucking relaxed too in my first few months!

I've come to understand that people just don't get it. Unless they've been there before they never EVER will. They can be supportive and try to understand but they just won't ever grasp the intense feelings.

Its bad enough being told to relax in any stage (early stage) of TTC, but when there is a known problem it is just bullshit. Its like me going into a cancer ward telling everyone that if they just relax or go on a holiday, their cancer will go away...i'd get things thrown at me! Or to tell a paraplegic that if they relax, and stop thinking about the fact that they can't walk, and stop trying so hard in your therapy sessions then 'it'll happen' that they will walk again when they just stop thinking about it...

I haven't told anyone 'in real life' about our situation for ages because i'm so fed up at educating people about the truth. Also sick of them looking at me like I have 3 heads after I snap at them LOL

 

[Chocoholic]

How can any of us totally relax when we have to take Clomid, monitor our ODs and use pre-seed, to say the least! I know there are other ladies who have to go through much more than just this... I know stress isn't helping but trust me when you have problems conceiving, stress is the last thing as the cause.

People who never had trouble conceiving don't understand us, never will.

Moreover, sometimes people who had trouble won't understand either.

One of my friend's has been trying for about 2 years and she got pregnant 18 weeks ago, when she was dealing with her DH's health problems. She knows that I'm not ovulating and I have endo, and that I need to take Clomid. She told me that I should just get it out of my head and it'll just happen. Really? Even if I'm not ovulating? Geez, thanks, I didn't know that I don't need an egg to make a baby

 

[NeyNey]

Oh you go GIRL!

I do hear what you're saying. Or the good old "It will happen when it happens.."

I mean really.

WTF does that mean?

 

[FJL]

Oh, another thing...I have deliberately stayed away from my grandparents because about 12 months ago, Mum and I went to visit them for the day and i'm not close to them so they don't know about anything, and my Nan was looking at a magazine with Angelina Jolie and a piece on adoption. They started going on about how rediculous adoption is and if you can't have kids then you can't have them - deal with it. My god, I thought I was going to explode. I just threw a sharp comment at them that it isn't easy for everyone to have kids, and those that abuse the privilege and don't want or care for their kids, that these kids can at least have a chance with loving parents...then I walked outside. I think my Mum almost had heart failure at the fear of me going right off at them. And the thing is, my grandparents had 2 stillborns...and they still don't get it...but of course in their time, it was not to be spoken of EVER...

Chocoholic I TOTALLY hear you re: friends that should bloody well know not to say things - when they've been LTTC'ers themselves. I have (correction - HAD) a friend that had been trying for about 4yrs to fall pregnant. When she finally conceived with clomid, she actually said to me 'I hate being pregnant' I thought FUCK YOU...I would kill to be pregnant and I honestly believe I will embrace every second. Sure, I might comment on morning sickness or a sore back but it won't be a complaint because I will be pregnant. She then kept saying to me 'if I can get pregnant you can, it'll happen' man that pissed me off because we're dealing with severe male factor. Our ONLY option is IVF ICSI. Her only problem was that she wasn't ovulating and I certainly don't mean that to come across as a minor problem, because I know its not, all i'm saying is that it was always going to me much easier, less invasive and quicker for her to fall pregnant, and she makes it out like its going to be easy for me...

She also pretty much cut all ties with me when she got that BFP...I have absolutely no desire to be friends with her ever again...she said things to me that she used to cry on the phone to me about when people would say them to her.

Some people have very short memories thats for sure.