What age should I continue to force my daughter to see her dad?

[Belle25]

My dd1 is 8, and hates seeing her dad. She usually sees him when he can fit her into his life, which is about every 3 months.
In between, on birthdays and Xmas etc he ever gets a call, and he expects her to be comfortable with him when he sees him.
Anyway, I've told him the above, but he doesn't listen or change things.

He's text saying he wants her over half term, and she cried and begged me not to send her. She's actually crying in her bed right now

I've been forcing her to go for years now, and it's getting worse, not better

What age should I listen to her when she says she doesn't want to see him?
X

 

[tallybee]

Please stop forcing her to go if it distresses her this much. Contact is supposed to be for the child's benefit.

 

[sue_88]

Now!

Don't force your child into the company of someone she is so distressed to see. That is very unfair on her.

 

[Sambatiki]

Awww poor little poppet. I wouldn't make her see him. But I can understand your predicament xxx

 

[Belle25]

I want to stop it now. I hate knowing she's unhappy.

I'd love nothing more than her to love going, and being happy with him. But I've been hoping for years now

My concern is, he could force her through the courts? What age do they see her as old enough to know her own wishes?

She's scared to tell him she doesn't want to stay, or eat this, do that etc as she's not comfortable around him to say what she feels. she's a sensitive little girl and comes back in floods of tears as on as the door shuts!
Thanks for replies

X

 

[rosie272]

I think you should explain all of this to him and not force your daughter to go any more - it's really unfair if it upsets her so much. I'm sure if he did want to go through courts etc he would have to see her much more often, like once a week at least? Maybe if she seen more of him she would know him better and not get distressed over it? I personally would stop contact straight away, I couldn't bear the thought of my lo being upset so badly over something that should be a positive thing

 

[sue_88]

A judge will only ever rule in the best interests of the child, and if such reaction is spoken about to a judge and your LO tells the court (in private / via video) her reasoning I can't see her being forced into visitation that she clearly doesn't want to do.

 

[wishuwerehere]

I would explain to him your daughter is distressed, and your current arrangement is highly inappropriate. Tell him if he is serious about seeing her it'll need to be more frequent, for one or two hours at a time at first, with you present. If he is disinterested, if he can't commit, or if under your supervision anything concerns you, you can at least then say you have attempted to facilitate continued contact whilst trying to make your daughter more comfortable, and cut it completely. (This would look good on your part if he did try and go to court as we'll)
If your current arrangement has never been questioned, he might not understand how unsettling the current arrangement is (I'm not saying that's good or right on his part!)
I do empathise and the thought of this happening with my daughter really frightens me so I hope a happy conclusion for her can be reached.

 

[Missnurse]

My DD stays with her dad, girlfriend and their two kids every other week from Friday night to Sunday night and she cries every time he comes to the door for her but seems to have enjoyed herself when I collect her again. It will get to a stage where she will not want to go and I will not force her then, she is only just coming 5

 

[Hunbun]

I agree with the other poster, I would stop now. If she doesn't want to go then she shouldn't be made to. If he decides to go to court then he will need to step up and be a proper father to prove to the court that it benefits her to see him.

 

[tallybee]

If he decides to involve the legal system, the only real concern the professionals will have is the child's best interests. And they will consider your daughter's wishes.

 

[KayBea]

i would never force my LO to see her dad...

 

[MrsT&Ben]

Oh what a horrible situation for you to be in it must be so hard for you to know what to do for the best.
Sit down with her dad and explain how your daughter feels. Don't make her go anymore. It would be different if she enjoyed her time once she was with her dad but she's not.

 

[mara16jade]

The next time he wants to take her, can you have him come to the house and ask her if she wants to go? Tell him to tell her to be honest, and if she doesn't want to go its ok. Would he do that?

Otherwise, I don't think its fair to make her go.

 

[babycrazy1706]

Aww poor girl
I wouldn't send her anymore hun but I can see its hard to know what to do for the best. Good luck Xx

 

[PhotoLadyUK]

Dont force her- make her tell him herself that she doesn't want to go anymore so he doesnt think you are the one being awkward- worked a treat on me at that age!

 

[Natsku]

Don't force, its clearly very distressing for her and contact is supposed to be for her benefit not his so if she's not benefiting then its right to stop it.

 

[FayDanielle]

Stop the contact now, it's clearly distressing her. You need to be open and honest with her father about how she feels.

I was 8 when my Dad got back in touch and I was so excited to start seeing him again. I would go to his house every weekend which he shared with his partner and her 2 children, but I hated it. He was a stranger to me.

Every sunday morning I would tell my Mum I didn't feel very well and faked illness, she would call my father and tell him I couldn't go as I was ill. As soon as that phone call ended I would perk right up. My mother twigged on to what I was doing after about 4-5 weeks and sat me down and asked why I was avoiding going. I told her I didn't like it. I didn't want to see him anymore. He came to the house that Sunday and my Mum told him there and then I wouldn't be going to his house anymore. I remember clearly hiding under a duvet in my bedroom incase he got angry, he didn't, he just left. I've not spoke to him or seen him since and that is perfectly fine with me!! xx

 

[lj2245]

I remember when my Mum and Dad split. I was 9 and my sisters were 7 and 4. By the time it all went to court for access and custody (they were fighting over both) I was 11 and my sisters were 9 and 6. All 3 of us were asked by a social worker privately in our bedrooms with no one else there who we wanted to live with and if we wanted to visit the other parent. My youngest sister and I had asked to live with our Dad and said we didn't want to be forced to visit Mum every week (we just wanted to see her when we felt like it) and my middle sister asked to stay with my Mum and visit my Dad every weekend.

The court told my parents that I and my middle sister were allowed to have a say as we were deemed old enough but my 6 year old sister wasn't. They allowed me to go and live with my Dad and an access agreement for my Mum wasn't set up as I didn't want one. My middle sister was allowed to remain with my Mum and an agreement that she would stay with my Dad every weekend was set up and my poor youngest sister was forced into the same agreement as my middle sister.

This was 20 years ago so I am not sure how much things have changed but they do seem to take what the child wants into consideration from a very young age.

I would definitely stop the access if it upsets her. Access is definitely for the child's benefit, not the parents. Your wee girl wants you to stop her going. Don't worry about the courts.

 

[lhancock90]

Stop the contact now. Please don't let her be distressed by it again

If hes only seeing her every few months i can't see him fighting it.
and either way her wishes would be completely considered.
Have you asked her why?



xx