What age should I continue to force my daughter to see her dad?

[MiniKiwi]

Yeah I wouldn't force her hun It's nice that you've made an effort for her dad but I think it's time she stops going

 

[Boomerslady]

I agree with PPs of she's not happy about it, don't force her.

My mum and dad split when I was 4 and my only memory of visitation was when he came to my mums to see us. It was on each of our birthdays, Christmas and usually after his summer holiday when he bought us presents. So roughly 5 times a year. It wasn't that he couldn't see us unsupervised but none of us were comfy enough with him to go to his. Perhaps put this as a suggestion? He spends time with her in a place she's comfy and with you there as back up (perhaps in another room but in ear shot) and over time and as she gets older she might feel better to go to his. If he's not willing to do that it's his loss.

 

[Abigailly]

I wouldn't force her, but I feel that her Dad may need a reality check.

Would you consider holding a 'family meeting'. In the comfort of her own home, with you holding her hand, try and get her to tell her dad why she doesn't like to visit and what makes her so uncomfortable? #hopefully, hearing it coming from her would be the wake up call he needs and maybe find a way to build it up gradually? With fun days etc.

This way, you're encouraging her, doing all you can and hopefully setting up a relationship for them.

Sorry this so badly written, toddler asleep on me!

 

[amjon]

If there's no court order I would never force it. I think here they use 12 as the age the child gets more of a say though.

 

[zanDark]

Just because she's young doesn't mean that she doesn't have the right to choose who she has in her life...her dad needs to respect that!! It might be hard for him to accept, but he needs to understand that just because she's a child doesn't mean she's unintelligent! She obviously knows who loves her very much, and doesn't want to hang out with someone she feels like she doesn't know! Children have a sixth sense about these things.

It's sad that this is so stressful for her and for you I agree with the PP that said perhaps you can all sit down together and she can try to explain to her father why she doesn't want to go see him and what she feels towards him. Of course this could always turn into him saying that you're making her say all these things, but it's worth a shot! Especially if you all remain calm and get everything out in the open

 

[Boomerslady]

I was just thinking about this, and was wondering how much contact they've had over the years? Has it been regular or just as and when? The reason it got me thinking is FOB both look after Ben 50/50 and god forbid down the line if he started hating his Dads (or god forbid mine) I'd like to think me and his dad would work together to fix it iykwim.

 

[Belle25]

I was just thinking about this, and was wondering how much contact they've had over the years? Has it been regular or just as and when? The reason it got me thinking is FOB both look after Ben 50/50 and god forbid down the line if he started hating his Dads (or god forbid mine) I'd like to think me and his dad would work together to fix it iykwim.

Contact began when she was 3. It's as and when he feels like it. So he picks her up and ditches her for 3/4 months at a time.

To be honest, I think his girlfriend resents my daughter, and doesn't encourage the relationship (daughter feels she gets critisised by her a lot)

I'm sure if you and your exs relationship is good, you won't get to my situation, plus he sounds consistent regarding contact. X

 

[lhancock90]

I was just thinking about this, and was wondering how much contact they've had over the years? Has it been regular or just as and when? The reason it got me thinking is FOB both look after Ben 50/50 and god forbid down the line if he started hating his Dads (or god forbid mine) I'd like to think me and his dad would work together to fix it iykwim.

Contact began when she was 3. It's as and when he feels like it. So he picks her up and ditches her for 3/4 months at a time.

To be honest, I think his girlfriend resents my daughter, and doesn't encourage the relationship (daughter feels she gets critisised by her a lot)

I'm sure if you and your exs relationship is good, you won't get to my situation, plus he sounds consistent regarding contact. X

Bugger him right off Hun. He doesn't deserve your daughter.

 

[Ceejay123]

.

 

[Belle25]

Just want to say thanks to you all. Your all lovely and helpful. This situation is stressing me.



Xx

 

[rosie272]

Good luck with getting it sorted

 

[Boomerslady]

I was just thinking about this, and was wondering how much contact they've had over the years? Has it been regular or just as and when? The reason it got me thinking is FOB both look after Ben 50/50 and god forbid down the line if he started hating his Dads (or god forbid mine) I'd like to think me and his dad would work together to fix it iykwim.

Contact began when she was 3. It's as and when he feels like it. So he picks her up and ditches her for 3/4 months at a time.

To be honest, I think his girlfriend resents my daughter, and doesn't encourage the relationship (daughter feels she gets critisised by her a lot)

I'm sure if you and your exs relationship is good, you won't get to my situation, plus he sounds consistent regarding contact. X

In that case then she shouldn't be made to go to his. If he picks and chooses when he can see her, and doesn't put any effort into maintaining a great dad/daughter then he can't expect her to be happy with it. I really hope it doesn't happen to me!

I really hope you sort it and she's happier about everything. I really don't understand how some men can't man up and be a proper parent!

 

[zanDark]

I agree with the above!! as an "adult" he should realize that children aren't toys to just pick up and put down when we feel like it, and whenever we feel guilty about not having enough contact! He should either be a dad to her or just let her be instead of confusing her and making her feel uncomfortable, especially if his girlfriend isn't that friendly with her!!

You can explain all this to him and tell him that he either needs to step up and actually be a dad, or just let her be and get on with his life!

Big hugs to your LO and to you

 

[Abigailly]

My thinking would be that if he gets ti pick and choose when he sees her, then she should be able to pick and choose when she sees him.

If it was regular contact then I'd probably try and work through it. But as it's not I can safely say, as a 23 year old, that I wouldn't feel secure spending time, 4 times a year, with someone I didn't know very well.

 

[justhoping]

frst u need to make sure he isnt doing anything to hurt her, and if he isnt..

maybe they could benefit from some therapy together...

i know its hard seeing her not want to go to her dad but her dad is just as important as you are ...how would u feel it if was reverse? Would u want some sort of help in the area or would u want yanked out of her life?

i would also make the therapist make a set scedual and make hi aware how import it is for him to keep to it

 

[DJJ]

Im a step mum and we have my stepchildren 50/50 and there is a court order to say that.i feel a dad has as much rights as a mum.try and sort something out,children need both parents influence in their lives to discover who they are themselves.

 

[lhancock90]

Im a step mum and we have my stepchildren 50/50 and there is a court order to say that.i feel a dad has as much rights as a mum.try and sort something out,children need both parents influence in their lives to discover who they are themselves.

If the Dad wants that 50/50 contact yes. But the Dad in questions interest is sporadic at best. If he wants to continue seeing his daughter he needs to put in more effort and be willing to work through these issues.

 

[DJJ]

If a child says they don't want to go to school you would still send them.so why not to their fathers?i agree tho some.fathers need to step.up role the plate.

 

[Conina]

I'm a lawyer who deals with this kinda stuff, in NI but the law is based on the law in England.

The courts say contact is a right for the child, not the parents. It's therefore not the right for the resident parent to say yes or no, and neither is it the right for the non-resident parent to walk in and out of their lives.

The courts also say that under 5, the child is too young to express a wish. Over about 12 ish, their wishes will be completely paramount. Between those ages, their wishes and feelings are taken into account but are not decisive. A lot depends on how 'grown-up' and articulate the child is. In any case the courts have their own trained social workers who can gauge the child's thoughts.

If you stop contact and he takes it to court, the court is unlikely to say he can never see her, unless there's a real risk of harm. However, the court will expect him to demonstrate some commitment to the contact. If he hasn't seen her regularly contact is likely to start slowly as daytime contact, sometimes even supervised contact, and work towards overnights.

It is also open to you to take a contact case to get contact defined so that she can have some certainty. If he doesn't stick to a court order it will be looked on v harshly.

Sorry a bit long-winded but hope it helps!

 

[lilmissdanni]

Why don't you reduce the contacts to a few hours every other weekend or so...and go from there. Make it perfectly clear though that he lets her down by not turning up and it's game over for him.