What do I do?

[SophiasMummy]

So I'm a single parent and my LO doesn't see her dad. For the first year of her life I badgered him constantly to see her as he was constantly letting her down and making excuses. After a year I realised it was just too stressful so said I wasn't going to bug him about it anymore but that he and his family are welcome to see her whenever they want. I haven't heard anything from him now in 4 years apart from the one time I've messaged him.

I messaged him once when we were close to where he lives for the day to say we were close by and if he wanted to see her he could. But he was working and we would've had to stay a lot later than we could so he could see her so it didn't happen. I haven't heard anything since.

For a little while when she was 3 she was upset about not having a daddy and I told her she has a daddy but he just lives far away so doesn't see her and that she has me, my family etc which at 3 seemed to help. But now she's coming up 6 and wants to know more, she wants to see her dad and is heartbroken that her dad isn't around (which isn't helped by the fact all of her friends have their dad's around).

I just don't know what to do now.i know I need to contact him but I have no idea what to say to him. If I contact him, i think he will come see her but I think it will make the situation worse if he comes to see her and then she doesn't see him again for ages. She's so sensitive to things like that and I know she will take it personally. She's such an amazing little girl bit this is affecting her so bad

I'm just at a loss

 

[lau86]

Why do you need to contact him? To tell him that she's asking about him?
It's really hard, it is going to hurt her. Is it time to be honest, and just explain that he's not man enough to be a dad and that it is absolutely his problem, not hers, (in your own words obviously). My dad didn't want us and it did hurt but it was worse, as you say, that he would pop up and then let us down.

 

[rebeccalouise]

Why do you need to contact him? As harsh as this sounds, I think you're better off not contacting him! By what you've said, you've made a lot of effort to get him to see her in the past, and he has let her down/not bothered.. There's a high chance he'll mess her around again, but this time it really will hurt/confuse her, more so than her not seeing him at all! I guess what I'm trying to say is, as much as she's upset now, I think in the long run she's much better off without him! It's his loss.

Yes, this probably won't be the only time she asks about her Dad, but when she is old enough to understand, just explain to her that you tried your best - it was him who failed as a parent.

My Dad left my Mum when she was pregnant, I've never met him, or had contact with him.. he never made the effort to contact me either, but he knows I exist! I don't miss him, because he has never been around.. I do sometimes wonder what it'd be like to have a Dad, but then I realise that I've never needed one, because I've always had my Mum - who has been amazing throughout everything! I'm sure when your LO grows up, she will think very much the same about you, and have so much respect for you for raising her singlehandedly.

IMO, I wouldn't contact him.. I think you've done more than enough in the past, if he wanted to be involved - he would be. GL with whatever you decide though hun, I know it's hard. X

 

[.Mrs.B.]

I would contact him, he may build a better bond with her now she's older.
With the visits you could start by not telling your daughter until last minute that she's seeing him, that way if he starts letting her down she wont know.
My friend has a 4 year old whose dad refuses to see her, when her daughter asks about him she says that her Dad has to work lots. Her daughter seems to have accepted this and doesn't take it personally.

It's hard to make excuses for someone who should know better, and unfair that they don't see the consequence of their actions.

 

[SophiasMummy]

Thanks guys she hasn't said anymore about him since yesterday so I think I'm going to leave it for now. I think half the problem is I couldn't cope with him and the pregnancy at the same time as it was a very high risk and stressful pregnancy and so I broke up with him, so I kind of blame myself in a way that he's not around even though I know it isn't really my fault. He actually has a step daughter a month older than my LO, he was there for his SD birth, has a Facebook full of pictures of her etc. Yet has done nothing for his actual daughter which really gets to me especially as she was extremely poorly when she was born.

I don't know, it's still hard equating him with the amazing man he was when we were together and how excited he was when I fell pregnant to the man now who hasn't bothered with his own daughter in 4 years.

I think if it's something LO keeps on about I will talk to him, but if not I will leave it and explain it to her more when she's a bit older.

 

[Take2]

If she wants a relationship with him it's your responsibility to facilitate that until she is old enough to do so. If he was abusive or anything like that obviously not but otherwise I think u should make the effort because she may end up resenting you one day if you don't. If he isn't interested and doesn't then accept your invitation for contact then you can be honest with your daughter in an age appropriate way. Tell her you tried contacting him, he didn't want to make contact in return, you don't know or understand why, she can ask him herself when she's older and he can explain, it's not her fault and it's his loss. It will be tough but above all you have made every effort and been honest and she will one day look back and appreciate that!

 

[6lilpigs]

Does he pay anything to help out with her or has completely cut her off? How very horrible that he loves the step daughter so much but blanks his own? Your doing a good job, I dont really know what I would do atm, do you have any contact with her grandparents on his side?

 

[rebeccalouise]

 

[SophiasMummy]

If she wants a relationship with him it's your responsibility to facilitate that until she is old enough to do so. If he was abusive or anything like that obviously not but otherwise I think u should make the effort because she may end up resenting you one day if you don't. If he isn't interested and doesn't then accept your invitation for contact then you can be honest with your daughter in an age appropriate way. Tell her you tried contacting him, he didn't want to make contact in return, you don't know or understand why, she can ask him herself when she's older and he can explain, it's not her fault and it's his loss. It will be tough but above all you have made every effort and been honest and she will one day look back and appreciate that!

I know that hence why I tried so hard before and contacted him again despite all the stress trying to get him to spend time with her when 70% of the time he would cancel at the last minute. Thankfully she was too young to remember that. She's not actually asked to see him just asked why her daddy isn't here etc. I'm not going to push the issue but if she asks again I will contact him.

 

[SophiasMummy]

Does he pay anything to help out with her or has completely cut her off? How very horrible that he loves the step daughter so much but blanks his own? Your doing a good job, I dont really know what I would do atm, do you have any contact with her grandparents on his side?

Nope he's never paid anything for her. Originally I said to him i didn't want any money from him as long as he was in her life but obviously that didn't happen and then it's just been to much hassle to chase him up for money.

His family have never really been interested, his sisters saw my LO a couple times when FOB came down but no one else has ever asked about her at least not to me, obviously I have no idea what he says to his family, though I know his sister was angry with him at one point for the way he was acting not seeing LO etc but then they just seemed to stop asking about LO. it wouldn't surprise me if he made up something to get his sister off his back.

 

[6lilpigs]

Are you connected to his sisters on facebook? It might be worth sending a friend request so they could have a browse of her pictures and updates.I wouldnt send any message with it as they may shy off thinking your being pushy but let them have a nosey around in their own time and see if that starts anything.

 

[SophiasMummy]

Are you connected to his sisters on facebook? It might be worth sending a friend request so they could have a browse of her pictures and updates.I wouldnt send any message with it as they may shy off thinking your being pushy but let them have a nosey around in their own time and see if that starts anything.

I used to be friends with them and FOB on Facebook but removed them all a couple years ago because I felt like I couldn't ever post anything about my own life with them all being able to see it. plus I hadn't heard anything from any of them in 2 years so thought why should they be able to see pictures of LO and know what she's doing if they can't be bothered to ever message asking how she is.

may seem petty but I was in a very stressful situation at the time and didn't really want them knowing all about my life at that time

 

[aj2124]

I'm so sorry, I know it is heartbreaking to watch your child go through this hurt. My daughter's father moved to another state and she asks a lot of questions as well. From what I've read on this topic, it's important to help them understand that it is not their fault while also not criticizing the other parent. My policy with my ex-husband is to let him know he's welcome to see her but I don't play an active role in getting him involved. She also knows that she can call him any time. I know this may not work for everyone but it's something I have peace about. I think it is good that you are open to allowing him to see his daughter and you seem to have a good attitude about it all. It's so hard watching them hurt, especially when they're so young, but I do believe that God has purpose even in the hurt. I know that God can also protect my daughter better than I could do on my own. I'll be praying for you and your daughter, that she would feel the love of her Heavenly Father

 

[Lalaloopsie]

I feel for you I really do, I split with my 7 year olds dad when she was 2, i fought like mad for him to have a relationship with her but he constantly let her down or ignored her to spend time with his new partner. We ended up at a contact centre and things seemed to pick up but he's slipped back into old habits, letting her down, not spending time with her etc ( in 4 years no maintenance either) i listen to her upset, crying that he doesn't love her and all I can do is tell her he does, it's work or whatever. I'd love to cut the contact but it's not my place, she will eventually msketch her own mind up and all I can do until then is support her.

 

[SophiasMummy]

I feel for you I really do, I split with my 7 year olds dad when she was 2, i fought like mad for him to have a relationship with her but he constantly let her down or ignored her to spend time with his new partner. We ended up at a contact centre and things seemed to pick up but he's slipped back into old habits, letting her down, not spending time with her etc ( in 4 years no maintenance either) i listen to her upset, crying that he doesn't love her and all I can do is tell her he does, it's work or whatever. I'd love to cut the contact but it's not my place, she will eventually msketch her own mind up and all I can do until then is support her.

This is my biggest worry. That he will see her a couple times then start with the excuses again like he did when she was a baby. It would be great if he did decide to have a proper relationship with her but I know if he let's her down it will break her heart she is such a happy little girl with so many friends and everyone loves her, so I think for her if her dad let's her down it will make her start to question other people leaving too and I don't want that. She already has dreams that I'm going to leave her or disapear just because she has to spend the weekends with family or my close friend so I can work, she's getting better with it but it's something she finds hard.

I was thinking about if he did want to see her then not introducing him as her dad but just as a friend until I knew he was going to really be a dad to her and not let her down

 

[Lalaloopsie]

It's absolutely awful when they let them down, we've gotten to the stage that I don't even tell her when he's due to pick her up purely because she's gutted if he cancels lat minute.
And as for his family *snort* when she was born until we split they were around constantly, now not even a birthday card or a fone call. Makes me so angry and sad because there's no reason for it, I've never had issues with them, I removed them from Facebook because like you said why should they see photos when they can't be arsed to make an effort, plus they were feeding back to her dad about me and he maliciously called social services ( one of his many stunts) because lo didn't look happy on some holiday photos ( I took pics of her at the end of long days on the beach when she was shattered) ss said he was out of order.

Kids are resilient and do bounce back, they are stronger than we give them credit for, when mine wanTed contact before the contact centre was in place I got her to write a letter (she dictated and I wrote) and went about it that way, my logic being that if he replied then great it's a starting point, if not then it's not as bad as being let down in person and I could always write a pretend one sayin he's working very far away to soften the blow.

I feel for you I really do, I split with my 7 year olds dad when she was 2, i fought like mad for him to have a relationship with her but he constantly let her down or ignored her to spend time with his new partner. We ended up at a contact centre and things seemed to pick up but he's slipped back into old habits, letting her down, not spending time with her etc ( in 4 years no maintenance either) i listen to her upset, crying that he doesn't love her and all I can do is tell her he does, it's work or whatever. I'd love to cut the contact but it's not my place, she will eventually msketch her own mind up and all I can do until then is support her.

This is my biggest worry. That he will see her a couple times then start with the excuses again like he did when she was a baby. It would be great if he did decide to have a proper relationship with her but I know if he let's her down it will break her heart she is such a happy little girl with so many friends and everyone loves her, so I think for her if her dad let's her down it will make her start to question other people leaving too and I don't want that. She already has dreams that I'm going to leave her or disapear just because she has to spend the weekends with family or my close friend so I can work, she's getting better with it but it's something she finds hard.

I was thinking about if he did want to see her then not introducing him as her dad but just as a friend until I knew he was going to really be a dad to her and not let her down

 

[noon_child]

Could you try mediation? That way you could express your concerns about him dropping in and out and how she may feel rejected, and set up ground rules and boundaries for the contact. If he isn't bothered to attend mediation then you have your answer as to how committed he is.

Or perhaps rather than face to face contact they could enjoy writing to each other as a way to get to know each other but with the pressure off? Obviously at first you'd have to help with that, but she can share her news and achievements. If that is still too much pressure (in case he doesn't reply enough) could you share some kind of round robin communication with his whole family about her life, say every three months, which leaves the door open for communication but doesn't require commitment in return.

Regarding not understanding how a good man can ignore his own child, I think if he's had so little contact with her then his brain has just compartmentalised it. Yes he "knows" he has a daughter but he doesn't feel it because he never grew to love her etc. I think it is different when you've carried and birthed a child because you can't forget that experience but otherwise such a disjointed fatherhood could just feel very unreal to him.

 

[SophiasMummy]

Could you try mediation? That way you could express your concerns about him dropping in and out and how she may feel rejected, and set up ground rules and boundaries for the contact. If he isn't bothered to attend mediation then you have your answer as to how committed he is.

Or perhaps rather than face to face contact they could enjoy writing to each other as a way to get to know each other but with the pressure off? Obviously at first you'd have to help with that, but she can share her news and achievements. If that is still too much pressure (in case he doesn't reply enough) could you share some kind of round robin communication with his whole family about her life, say every three months, which leaves the door open for communication but doesn't require commitment in return.

Regarding not understanding how a good man can ignore his own child, I think if he's had so little contact with her then his brain has just compartmentalised it. Yes he "knows" he has a daughter but he doesn't feel it because he never grew to love her etc. I think it is different when you've carried and birthed a child because you can't forget that experience but otherwise such a disjointed fatherhood could just feel very unreal to him.

I'm afraid I'm just not willing to spend that much time and effort to get him or his family to be a part of her life, I already did that for over a year trying to get encourage them to see her and the stress it caused was just too much for me.

I'm a single parent who has to work and take care of a 6 year old who always wants to be doing something, while I'm not well myself and haven't been for over a year, I make myself do things for her but there's only so much I can manage with the time and energy I do have. I don't have any help apart from my mum begrudgingly taking LO while I work and I don't drive so everything I do with LO relies on public transport. I don't have time to go out of my way for them now. The most I can do is send him a message asking him if he wants to try be a part of her life again and telling him she would like contact.

The reason I don't understand how he can ignore his child is his dad did the same to him and his siblings and he swore he would never let any child of his grow up like that.

 

[6lilpigs]

Are you connected to his sisters on facebook? It might be worth sending a friend request so they could have a browse of her pictures and updates.I wouldnt send any message with it as they may shy off thinking your being pushy but let them have a nosey around in their own time and see if that starts anything.

I used to be friends with them and FOB on Facebook but removed them all a couple years ago because I felt like I couldn't ever post anything about my own life with them all being able to see it. plus I hadn't heard anything from any of them in 2 years so thought why should they be able to see pictures of LO and know what she's doing if they can't be bothered to ever message asking how she is.

may seem petty but I was in a very stressful situation at the time and didn't really want them knowing all about my life at that time

If your life has settled down a little now then why not trying re-adding them with a message saying 'LO has started asking about her dad now shes older, when you next see him could you let him know and ask him to message me, many thanks'. If he ignores this then I would stick two fingers up to him unfortunately and pursue the money your LO is owed through the courts anyway even though this was never your intention.

 

[SophiasMummy]

Are you connected to his sisters on facebook? It might be worth sending a friend request so they could have a browse of her pictures and updates.I wouldnt send any message with it as they may shy off thinking your being pushy but let them have a nosey around in their own time and see if that starts anything.

I used to be friends with them and FOB on Facebook but removed them all a couple years ago because I felt like I couldn't ever post anything about my own life with them all being able to see it. plus I hadn't heard anything from any of them in 2 years so thought why should they be able to see pictures of LO and know what she's doing if they can't be bothered to ever message asking how she is.

may seem petty but I was in a very stressful situation at the time and didn't really want them knowing all about my life at that time

If your life has settled down a little now then why not trying re-adding them with a message saying 'LO has started asking about her dad now shes older, when you next see him could you let him know and ask him to message me, many thanks'. If he ignores this then I would stick two fingers up to him unfortunately and pursue the money your LO is owed through the courts anyway even though this was never your intention.

Thanks I have been toying with adding them again on my facebook. Just not 100% about it yet. I keep meaning to go through csa (or whatever it's called now) to get money for her though I'm not likely to get much as he seems to get the crappiest jobs possible and work minimum hours, but I guess something is better than nothing.