What not to say:

[Tasha]

I just went through a loss at 29 weeks and 1 day on November 23, 2016 and ive heard so many of those lines plus some. Does make it hurt alot worse. Id rather silence, a hug or simply say im sorry for i dont know what your going through, or what a few have said to me.. "Ive never had your loss, for there are no words to say."
This has been very hard to cope with. I just dont know... i know nothing anymore.

I am sorry for your loss. Life is very cruel and unfair. I'm glad blue pointed you into the direction of the stillbirth and neonatal loss section, there and SANDS forum are the place that I couldn't have got through my first stillbirth without (I have had two and sixteen miscarriages but already had the support I needed for the second and miscarriages). Almost a decade on and they're still my closest friends. Surround yourself with people who "get it", no explanation needed.

There are support groups on Facebook too. SANDS also offer face to face support groups and a phone line. The hospital may have one too and a service at this time of year too.

Also I am here to talk to, as someone who has been there. Just message me any time xx

 

[Squig34]

I just went through a loss at 29 weeks and 1 day on November 23, 2016 and ive heard so many of those lines plus some. Does make it hurt alot worse. Id rather silence, a hug or simply say im sorry for i dont know what your going through, or what a few have said to me.. "Ive never had your loss, for there are no words to say."
This has been very hard to cope with. I just dont know... i know nothing anymore.

Stemalia, so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost a son at 21 weeks last year after 5 first tri miscarriages. There's just no pain like it. I just agree with all Tasha's advice & I would particularly recommend seeing if there are any SANDS groups near you (or you can go online) - it was a lifeline for us. Eventually you will learn to cope with the grief & function again; it will always be there but not quite so raw. But there's no timescale on grief. Let yourself feel the pain & cry for your little one as much as you need. You're their mummy after all Was it a little boy or a girl & did you choose a name (if you're wanting to reveal that information on here)?

 

[stemalia20]

Was a girl, her name was Rowyn Kaye.

 

[BunnyN]

Rowyn is a lovely name.

 

[Squig34]

Was a girl, her name was Rowyn Kaye.

What a beautiful name for a daughter who I'm sure was very beautiful too

 

[blueblue]

That's a beautiful name x

 

[Sallyanne81]

I know no-one has written on here for years, but I have been reading through the stories, they are so sad and I really hope everyone got their rainbow babies. I am still hoping for mine despite 2 MCs in a row.

I found that my family and friends were mostly great when I told them, I live abroad and one even sent me a card and a present. All you need to hear is I am so sorry for your loss. Friends shared their experiences with pregnancy loss and tried to offer hope.

I have also had all of the comments from the OPs list (even the your still young one - I'm nearly 38!!!) although they can hurt they don't normally come from a bad place, they just want to help you feel better. I heard most of these from my parents and my DH. I think the problem I had was when DH was trying to 'cheer me up' it made me feel like I was wrong somehow for grieving and that I should just snap out of it. He has been much better this time around.

I find it worse when people don't say anything at all. My husband's brother and wife never even bothered to say anything to me both this time or the 1st time. This time around she's pregnant (a few weeks ahead of where I would have been) and the day we had our results confirming my HCG was dropping they sent their scan pictures to us! Followed by let's talk about her pregnancy at every opportunity, whilst no-one asked me how I was once. They have come to stay and I am expected to see them at my PILs house every day for lunch and dinner, when I told my husband I don't want to go so often (my SIL walked into the room and immediately exposed her bump - followed by me crying), he told his mom how I was feeling and my MIL said I should just calm down and be patient!

Overall I think I have been lucky I have some great friends and family around me and my DH is amazing.

All we can do is keep hoping!

 

[Sophie2015]

I know no-one has written on here for years, but I have been reading through the stories, they are so sad and I really hope everyone got their rainbow babies. I am still hoping for mine despite 2 MCs in a row.

I found that my family and friends were mostly great when I told them, I live abroad and one even sent me a card and a present. All you need to hear is I am so sorry for your loss. Friends shared their experiences with pregnancy loss and tried to offer hope.

I have also had all of the comments from the OPs list (even the your still young one - I'm nearly 38!!!) although they can hurt they don't normally come from a bad place, they just want to help you feel better. I heard most of these from my parents and my DH. I think the problem I had was when DH was trying to 'cheer me up' it made me feel like I was wrong somehow for grieving and that I should just snap out of it. He has been much better this time around.

I find it worse when people don't say anything at all. My husband's brother and wife never even bothered to say anything to me both this time or the 1st time. This time around she's pregnant (a few weeks ahead of where I would have been) and the day we had our results confirming my HCG was dropping they sent their scan pictures to us! Followed by let's talk about her pregnancy at every opportunity, whilst no-one asked me how I was once. They have come to stay and I am expected to see them at my PILs house every day for lunch and dinner, when I told my husband I don't want to go so often (my SIL walked into the room and immediately exposed her bump - followed by me crying), he told his mom how I was feeling and my MIL said I should just calm down and be patient!

Overall I think I have been lucky I have some great friends and family around me and my DH is amazing.

All we can do is keep hoping!

Hi Sally. So sorry for your losses and I hope you get your rainbow baby soon.

 

[blueblue]

Hi Sally, I'm so sorry they are so insensitive. Some people can be and it is hurtful at such a painful time. I'm so glad you have supportive friends and family. I hope you get your rainbow soon x

 

[Shorty88]

Second loss since Aug.. if another person's says to me you are only young.. try again in a couple of years, friends, family and doctors said that to me.

I'm 30 but have endo and pcos I cannot just wait a couple of years incase my egg count drops or I stop ovulating all together..

I know they are trying to be nice but that is not what I want to hear

 

[Jenncarp]

Many couples who experience miscarriage are subjected to thoughtless comments from people who probably mean well but don't understand that what they're saying not only doesn't help but may hurt the feelings of someone who has miscarried. Here are some examples of things you should not say to someone who has had a miscarriage:

- It was for the best
- At least you know you can get pregnant
- Something was probably wrong with it
- Maybe God knows you are not ready to have children
- You're trying too hard. Just relax, and it will happen.
- Take my kids for an afternoon, and I promise you won't be so sad about losing the baby.
- Be glad. Having a baby changes your life; think of all the fun things you wouldn't have been able to do anymore.
- You should just be happy you have one/two/three children already. You don't need anymore.
- it was just a blob of cells. It wasn't a real baby.
- You're young. You'll get pregnant again
- It happens all the time; it's nothing to worry about
- At least you weren't very far along
- It wasn't meant to be
- It probably happened because ______________.

Many couples who experience miscarriage are subjected to thoughtless comments from people who probably mean well but don't understand that what they're saying not only doesn't help but may hurt the feelings of someone who has miscarried. Here are some examples of things you should not say to someone who has had a miscarriage:

- It was for the best
- At least you know you can get pregnant
- Something was probably wrong with it
- Maybe God knows you are not ready to have children
- You're trying too hard. Just relax, and it will happen.
- Take my kids for an afternoon, and I promise you won't be so sad about losing the baby.
- Be glad. Having a baby changes your life; think of all the fun things you wouldn't have been able to do anymore.
- You should just be happy you have one/two/three children already. You don't need anymore.
- it was just a blob of cells. It wasn't a real baby.
- You're young. You'll get pregnant again
- It happens all the time; it's nothing to worry about
- At least you weren't very far along
- It wasn't meant to be
- It probably happened because ______________.

Many couples who experience miscarriage are subjected to thoughtless comments from people who probably mean well but don't understand that what they're saying not only doesn't help but may hurt the feelings of someone who has miscarried. Here are some examples of things you should not say to someone who has had a miscarriage:

- It was for the best
- At least you know you can get pregnant
- Something was probably wrong with it
- Maybe God knows you are not ready to have children
- You're trying too hard. Just relax, and it will happen.
- Take my kids for an afternoon, and I promise you won't be so sad about losing the baby.
- Be glad. Having a baby changes your life; think of all the fun things you wouldn't have been able to do anymore.
- You should just be happy you have one/two/three children already. You don't need anymore.
- it was just a blob of cells. It wasn't a real baby.
- You're young. You'll get pregnant again
- It happens all the time; it's nothing to worry about
- At least you weren't very far along
- It wasn't meant to be
- It probably happened because ______________.

Ugh, it seems like I have heard most of them during the course of the last week. The amazing thing is...my own friends and family are the ones saying the stupid things!

Even my own sister, who has experienced several miscarriages herself, had nothing nice to say.

Many couples who experience miscarriage are subjected to thoughtless comments from people who probably mean well but don't understand that what they're saying not only doesn't help but may hurt the feelings of someone who has miscarried. Here are some examples of things you should not say to someone who has had a miscarriage:

- It was for the best
- At least you know you can get pregnant
- Something was probably wrong with it
- Maybe God knows you are not ready to have children
- You're trying too hard. Just relax, and it will happen.
- Take my kids for an afternoon, and I promise you won't be so sad about losing the baby.
- Be glad. Having a baby changes your life; think of all the fun things you wouldn't have been able to do anymore.
- You should just be happy you have one/two/three children already. You don't need anymore.
- it was just a blob of cells. It wasn't a real baby.
- You're young. You'll get pregnant again
- It happens all the time; it's nothing to worry about
- At least you weren't very far along
- It wasn't meant to be
- It probably happened because ______________.

I worked in an infant room at a daycare when I had my miscarriage, and even though most of my coworkers we women they repeated asked me when I was gonna get over it.... a week after I lost Blue. My family told me it was my fault for getting pregnant young (I was 19) and most of them thought I was being dramatic. Even the lady at the doctors office dismissed my loss and asked about effective ways to talk to her daughter about her depression. My family still says this stuff to me because I struggle during the holidays and around Mother’s Day (my due date was 5 days after mother’s day) I wish they would make an effort to look for the appropriate things to say so I’m not dealing with the loss and having to let their uneducated responses go to preserve the peace.

 

[Kalgal1991]

I lost my first pregnancy 2 weeks ago at 8 weeks, I took medication in the first place to get everything moving and ended up admitted to hospital for 2 days just over a week later with severe bleeding and low BP which ended in an emergency d&c. I am just heartbroken and 2 of my closest friends at work are expecting and are always talking about it. I feel bad for being annoyed and want to be happy for them but I just want to burst into tears everyone babies are mentioned. I hope I can feel better soon!

 

[Sophie2015]

Hi Kalgal. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your sweet angel baby. I lost 5 myself. And sometimes I still want to scream when babies are mentioned. Take care of you first right now. It will eventually get easier but it will always be a part of you. I hope you get your rainbow baby as soon as you feel ready.
Xo