What not to say:

[BabyG2016]

My miscarriage was confirmed by the Dr a month ago, today. This has been a very hard month...the worst of my life.
For the most part, family and friends have been supportive and haven't said too many of the unhelpful things.

What has hurt the most, so far, is what hasn't been said...by my dad. I have been my Daddy's girl all my life but to this point he hasn't said a word. Not what I expected from him. I thought there would be something about how much he loves me and he is so sorry this happened. Instead, nothing. And that hurts deeply. I don't know if he doesn't feel like I wasn't "pregnant enough" or what is going on in his head...my mom tells me that he just doesn't know what to say.

Either way - it hurts badly. Someone I expected to be my strongest supporter hasn't been there at all....

 

[Myshelsong]

My dad did the same thing, he kind of just said nothing.
I ended up text messaging him that I missed him and I wanted him to talk to me. He told me it was because he didn't want to hurt me by saying something that would trigger me. He knew that the worst thing had happened, and he didn't know how to make it any better except be there if I reached out. We are talking now, but I was surprised how hurt I was that he pulled away, but it was all he knew how to do.

Good luck and my big hugs. So sorry for your loss.

 

[BabyG2016]

My ex husband (my daughter's father) in his "attempt" to be compassionate keeps reminding me that at least I still have 1 great child and that should get me through. It doesn't matter whether Theodore was six weeks in utero or 6 years on earth, he was still my baby and while I am blessed and grateful I have my daughter it doesn't make my grief less for my lost son.

 

[BunnyN]

On the whole I preferred that people said something. Even if it was the 'wrong' thing to say I knew they meant well and would try and take it how it was meant. I found awkward looks and silence much worse. Most family and friends I saw the first week were sympathetic and talked about it a lot. After a couple of weeks I found no one hardly mentioned it and that really hurt. I was still grieving inside and it seemed like our baby was being forgotten. I told OH how I felt and he started bringing up our loss in conversation with everyone, bless him. Honestly it felt like being kicked everytime someone mentioned it but it was still better than silently dying inside.

 

[chistiana]

Bunny I totally agree. After my first mc family n friends would ask me how I was blah blah blah..it's been 2.5 years since my 3rd mc and I have 3 kids..now when I talk about my angels even my husband looks at mess if I m overdoing it..as if the fact that we now have 3 kids means that those 3 angels never existed...it truly breaks my heart that even family thinks my mcs are a part of the past and should never be remembered or mentioned

 

[Sophie2015]

Hi all. I lurk but I never post. I've had 5 consecutive mc's. I have no living children. I've lost every single pregnancy. All but one had good heartbeats before they stopped around 8 weeks. We are now going thru our first IVF to see if we can get any healthy embryos. Today at Thanksgiving I heard from my mom that I'm "obsessed" with having a baby. And from my sister that "having kids isn't all it's cracked up to be" implying I'm so "lucky" all my pregnancies fail. My feelings were beyond hurt. Why are people especially family so insensitive and mean?!

 

[blueblue]

Hi all. I lurk but I never post. I've had 5 consecutive mc's. I have no living children. I've lost every single pregnancy. All but one had good heartbeats before they stopped around 8 weeks. We are now going thru our first IVF to see if we can get any healthy embryos. Today at Thanksgiving I heard from my mom that I'm "obsessed" with having a baby. And from my sister that "having kids isn't all it's cracked up to be" implying I'm so "lucky" all my pregnancies fail. My feelings were beyond hurt. Why are people especially family so insensitive and mean?!

Sophie, I'm so sorry for your losses, it is heartbreaking to go through. I'm sorry your family are so insensitive.

There's a Recurrent Miscarriage thread on the Miscarriage/Loss Support section of the forum where you will get lots of support, it helped me so much. I just realised I don't have a signature on here, I had 4 losses before my daughter x

 

[Sophie2015]

Hi bluebell. Thank you. I'll check it out. I guess I thought I was doing okay until yesterday. Now I realize I really have no one who truly understands.

 

[BunnyN]

Sometimes people are really thoughtless. I am sure they didn't realise how cruel what they were saying was. It is hard to understand if you haven't been through it yourself. I have had two losses but have children too. I can only imagine what you have been through. Hugs.

 

[madtowngirl]

Oh Sophie, I'm so sorry. Those are terrible things to say to someone who has experienced any loss, especially multiple ones. I agree about checking out the recurrent miscarriages thread - there are some wonderful people there, and even though I mainly lurked, their dialogue helped a lot.

 

[blueblue]

Sophie, I hope it helps. I found my miscarriages to be the hardest thing I've ever been through, they shook up my entire world and it never settled in the same place again. I hope you find lots of support on here, it has been amazing for me. I didn't know anyone who had been through the same thing IRL x

 

[Sophie2015]

Sophie, I hope it helps. I found my miscarriages to be the hardest thing I've ever been through, they shook up my entire world and it never settled in the same place again. I hope you find lots of support on here, it has been amazing for me. I didn't know anyone who had been through the same thing IRL x

That's a great description. My world definitely didn't reassemble in the same place. I'm a different person. And my life is totally changed.

 

[maggietrot]

Ugh, it seems like I have heard most of them during the course of the last week. The amazing thing is...my own friends and family are the ones saying the stupid things!

Even my own sister, who has experienced several miscarriages herself, had nothing nice to say.

I think people are so sad for you and are trying to show sympathy but don't know what to say and so try and stay positive to boost your spirits. don't be so hard on them

 

[blueblue]

Sophie, I hope it helps. I found my miscarriages to be the hardest thing I've ever been through, they shook up my entire world and it never settled in the same place again. I hope you find lots of support on here, it has been amazing for me. I didn't know anyone who had been through the same thing IRL x

That's a great description. My world definitely didn't reassemble in the same place. I'm a different person. And my life is totally changed.

It's such a hard thing to go through, it affects every part of your life. I'm so sorry you have to go through it too. I hope everything works out for you. I found acupuncture to be very helpful for the grief, it felt like it started to heal it (this was before I had my daughter, I had acupuncture a few months before I got pregnant and it helped even before things worked out for us). My acupuncturist was so lovely and it almost felt like counselling. I went to a fertility specialist, but made sure she didn't charge more (she actually charged less than some non-specialist acupuncturists) x

 

[stemalia20]

I just went through a loss at 29 weeks and 1 day on November 23, 2016 and ive heard so many of those lines plus some. Does make it hurt alot worse. Id rather silence, a hug or simply say im sorry for i dont know what your going through, or what a few have said to me.. "Ive never had your loss, for there are no words to say."
This has been very hard to cope with. I just dont know... i know nothing anymore.

 

[Sophie2015]

I just went through a loss at 29 weeks and 1 day on November 23, 2016 and ive heard so many of those lines plus some. Does make it hurt alot worse. Id rather silence, a hug or simply say im sorry for i dont know what your going through, or what a few have said to me.. "Ive never had your loss, for there are no words to say."
This has been very hard to cope with. I just dont know... i know nothing anymore.

I've lost 5 but none as far into the pregnancy as yours. My heart truly breaks for you. There is no pain quite like losing a baby. There are no words for what you've been through. Big virtual hugs sent your way.

 

[stemalia20]

I've had 2 miscarriages before this one. Both devastating but words can even put together for this one. She was so healthy and active. No words. Less than a 1% chance of happening. Thank you for response. ❤

 

[TLCdesigns]

So sorry to all those who have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss. My dear friend just had her second miscarriage, and I want to reach out to her with a card and potentially a gift, since we don't live close to each other. I was thinking of a wind chime, or a pillow with two birds sitting on a branch and a little bird flying embroidered on it. Would either of those be better than the other, or neither at all? I haven't myself had a miscarriage, and don't know if those gifts, with intentions of being a pleasant sign of remembrance, might bring more sadness? Suggestions?

 

[Sophie2015]

So sorry to all those who have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss. My dear friend just had her second miscarriage, and I want to reach out to her with a card and potentially a gift, since we don't live close to each other. I was thinking of a wind chime, or a pillow with two birds sitting on a branch and a little bird flying embroidered on it. Would either of those be better than the other, or neither at all? I haven't myself had a miscarriage, and don't know if those gifts, with intentions of being a pleasant sign of remembrance, might bring more sadness? Suggestions?

I've had 5 mc's in a row plus both my IVF embryos just died Wednesday. Personally ANYTHING that was given to me following a loss I would have cherished. As long as it's from the heart I think whatever you choose will be fine. I wish someone had done something so thoughtful for me. You are a good friend.

 

[blueblue]

Stemalia - I am so sorry for your loss of your little girl. Mine were all early so I don't know what you are going through, it must be heartbreaking. You've probably already seen it, there's a stillbirth, sids and neonatal death forum on here: https://babyandbump.momtastic.com/stillbirths-neonatal-loss-sids/

Sophie - I'm so sorry about the loss of your embryos

TLC - that's a lovely idea, she will appreciate that you are thinking of her, at a time when many people want to sweep it under the carpet. If it is too painful to keep out, she might want to keep it in a memory box