What not to say:

Discussion in 'Miscarriage Support' started by JASMAK, Apr 12, 2009.

  1. JASMAK

    JASMAK Mom of three

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    Many couples who experience miscarriage are subjected to thoughtless comments from people who probably mean well but don't understand that what they're saying not only doesn't help but may hurt the feelings of someone who has miscarried. Here are some examples of things you should not say to someone who has had a miscarriage:

    - It was for the best
    - At least you know you can get pregnant
    - Something was probably wrong with it
    - Maybe God knows you are not ready to have children
    - You're trying too hard. Just relax, and it will happen.
    - Take my kids for an afternoon, and I promise you won't be so sad about losing the baby.
    - Be glad. Having a baby changes your life; think of all the fun things you wouldn't have been able to do anymore.
    - You should just be happy you have one/two/three children already. You don't need anymore.
    - it was just a blob of cells. It wasn't a real baby.
    - You're young. You'll get pregnant again
    - It happens all the time; it's nothing to worry about
    - At least you weren't very far along
    - It wasn't meant to be
    - It probably happened because ______________.
     
  2. CarCam

    CarCam WTT after 2nd MC :(

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    Ugh, it seems like I have heard most of them during the course of the last week. The amazing thing is...my own friends and family are the ones saying the stupid things!

    Even my own sister, who has experienced several miscarriages herself, had nothing nice to say.
     
  3. pennypoptart

    pennypoptart Stick little bean please!

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    I have a really insensitive bloke who works in my office, he came out with the following:

    - "I wouldn't let it bother you"
    - "Women go on to have babies in the forties... you've got plenty of years left in you"

    mnnnnn... really helpful when you're trying not to burst into tears on your first day back into the office. Great.

    All you really want is for people to acknowledge that you've actually lost your baby.

    On top of doctors continuously calling it "the product of pregnancy".... grrrrr.
     
  4. dan-o

    dan-o RMC's but mum to 3 now!

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    Yep I've had most of these too, especially off the MIL.
    She's never MC tho, so maybe thats why - she doesn't understand?

    Male doctors too, constantly telling me 'a couple of MC doesn't mean anything is wrong' :hissy:
     
  5. chella

    chella mummy of 3 & 1 angel x

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    Ive had them comments makes u go mad' another one i got was off a so called friend who i havent spoken to since was oh well bad luck but hey im 9 weeks pregnant so never mind???? wtf was that ????? but i just felt better in thinkin the guy who she got pregnant by isnt even her bf so no worries there, just hope she never has to go thru wat us girls went thru as then she'd kno how much that comment hurt!
     
  6. orange-sox

    orange-sox Sebs Mummy + WTT

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    "there's plenty more chance" .... yeah there might be but I'll never get this baby back will I :hissy: Some people are so frickin rude and inconsiderate... :hugs: to everyone x
     
  7. LoraLoo

    LoraLoo Pregnant with a Rainbow

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    My daughter wasnt a iscarriage she was 5 days old but Ive had similar comments including

    'Ah well never mind'
    'Least you have the other 2' Oh yes great consolation!
    'You can have another' Babies ARENT replacable ffs
    'Well, you got longer than I did' From my sister who had several early miscarriages herself.
    'Maybe it was for the best'- My own mum!
    'Least she was only 5 days old and didnt have a personality' DP's Mum
    'These things happen for a reason' Please god damn tell me what reason there could be?
     
  8. tricky nicky

    tricky nicky mummy to Alfie

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    could we have a thread for the right things to say
    my friend miscarried in december and i admit ive used a couple of the sentences above but its so hard to try and find words to show how i feel about the subject
    thanks.
     
  9. Aidedhoney

    Aidedhoney Mum of Nats & Alex

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    Right things to say.........Sometimes no words or needed just a hug or a touch can say a thousand words.
    Well thats what i found

    xx
     
  10. Wobbles

    Wobbles WoBbLeWoBbLe
    Administrator

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    In a sad way I like this thread and have made it a sticky I think it may actually be useful sometimes people think they are helping and aren't all spiteful so I think this is useful.

    x
     
  11. sarah_george

    sarah_george ♥Proud Mummy!♥

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    Thats absolutely shocking!! :hug:

    After my second MC my mom said to me it wasnt meant to be and mine and DH genes must not mix :shock: xx
     
  12. Chilli

    Chilli Very lucky Mum of 2 girls

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    Right things to say: so sorry you lost your child!!??

    I don't think those who have never had this experience have any concept of how we feel about it - I admit I didn't! Maybe it would be a good idea to start a positive thread - how to help/what to say to someone who has miscarried/lost a baby. But then we are all so different in how we deal with it that might not work?

    I'm getting really fed up with people's reactions to my need to try again:
    you should wait, let yourself heal blah blah blah... I know I won't feel better until I know that I CAN carry a baby again!
     
  13. pennypoptart

    pennypoptart Stick little bean please!

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    Positive things to say:
    - I'm here for you.
    - Really sorry to hear what you're going through.
    - Sorry to hear that you lost your baby.

    I agree it's impossible to know what to say to someone, and the majority of people who say the comments above don't realise that they can come across as being insensitive.

    I think the important thing to understand is that people don't want to brush away or "forget" what's happened to them. If someone's mum died, you wouldn't say "maybe it was for the best", or "at least you've still got your dad". It's the same in this instance. We want our babies to be recognised as beings in their own right... not a bundle of cells or as "the product of pregnancies"!
     
  14. LeaArr

    LeaArr Just him and me.

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    This was a convo between my SIL and myself:

    SIL: Given a choice between you and an "unborn" I would choose you in a heartbeat
    Me: I would have given my life to save my baby
    SIL: even if it was deformed?
    Me: I would rather think of my baby as a perfect angel, not a deformed child
    SIL: of course you would. This unborn wasn't meant for the world though.

    First of all, stop calling my baby an "unborn". If she had actually been there that night, she would have known that I held my perfect little angel in my hands. NOT unborn, just too little to survive on her own.
    This especially hurt as she is two weeks behind where I would have been. One would think that she would have been more sensitive.
    She continued on to ask me questions about spotting and whatnot. I just wanted to say to her "I didn't have spotting until I started to miscarry. Is that what you want to hear?" But I refrained and instead told her that I didn't want to be a part of her pregnancy cause it was just too hard for me.
     
  15. Shelby2007

    Shelby2007 Khyler Rae born 1/26/10

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    I agree... with you ladies.. the right thing to say sometimes is nothing at all.. be there to listen to us.. be the shoulder we run to.. let us talk.. dont tell us it wasnt meant to be.. everything happens for a reason..my SIL even told me.. I dont know what Id do without my baby.. *that isnt helpful!!*

    This is my favorite poem/saying!!!

    "Don’t tell me that you understand.
    Don’t tell me that you know.
    Don’t tell me that I will survive,
    How I will surely grow.
    Don’t come at me with answers
    That can only come from me.
    Don’t tell me how my grief will pass,
    That I will soon be free.
    Accept me in my ups and downs.
    I need someone to share.
    Just hold my hand and let me cry
    And say, “My friend, I care"
     
  16. JASMAK

    JASMAK Mom of three

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    Something that I heard that was really positive (made me cry too, but that was OK) was:

    "I am so sorry for your loss, I know how much you wanted that baby."
     
  17. CoachingBeef

    CoachingBeef Guest

    I've had a few of these remarks from people. Even my own Mum.. But at the end of the day, it is an awkward situation and your family and friends are only trying to make you feel better :) xx
     
  18. Maidenet

    Maidenet Well-Known Member

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    I have heard so many of those things!!! I hate the " it wasnt the right time" WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME! I love my partner, we have been together 8yrs, we long for a baby so how is it not the right time! Gurrrrrrrr xxx
     
  19. babytots

    babytots Well-Known Member

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    i've had alot of those ones too. mainly with my previous losses.

    the most hurtful one was when df rang his dad to tell him the news about jessica he couldnt talk to him as he broke down so he passed the phone to me. his dad talked to me and then said are you going to stop now. at that moment in time i just said yes we have our two girls and we are grateful for them but it really hurt. i think now everyone in our familys think we should just stop but its not as easy as that iykwim.

    especially since his dad and his wife went through the same thing before they had dfs half brother. so they must know that pain of losing a child in the 2nd trimester and then the longing afterwards to have your baby back but you cant so then the longing to be pg again pops up.

    i have had alot of lovely comments though. most of them along the lines of really sorry for your loss know how much you wanted this baby and another if we could make it all better for you we would in a heartbeat/if we could bring your little girl back we would. things like that. god bless online friends as they seem to be the most sympathetic. x
     
  20. hayley x

    hayley x 1AngelSon,1EarthDaughter

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    I didnt have a miscarriage my son died at 12 days but Ive had some upsetting things said to me, the one i hate most is 'your young you can try again' Its still so fresh why would I want to try again why would i want another baby? I dont I just want MY baby MY Alex!!!! If people dont know what to say they should just say im sorry or hope your coping as well as expected or im here if u need me not say stupid things that will offend! (sorry if it comes across as a rant im having a bad day!) xxxx
     

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