What would you do in this situation? MIL question...

[gamblesrh]

tell her your not sure and that when you find out you will let her know but that you also need your time to recover, i go in on the 28 (next wednesday) to be induced if i don't have LO by then and my other kids will be with my husbands parents and they already know not to be coming over so much especially since my grandmother is coming up after LO is born (thank god my sister is brining her)to help out and also make it a point to your husband that you want to rest as much as possible

 

[Ashley8806]

i think she wants to help u out after ur baby is born,like she can look after ur baby when u r asleep or taking rest,after cesarian person is going thru diff events.so she just want to lessen u can say ur burden or work,

Last time she came over and just wanted to spend time with DD1, and clean things that she saw were too "dusty" for a baby to be around I know she doesn't mean to be intrusive or anything, and means well, but she has told me stories of how her husband would bring in family after her kids were born and she hated it, so she should know how it feels...

 

[JackiePed]

I had to face this with my mom, whom I dearly love but is an incredibly draining houseguest (deals with multiple mental illnesses and a controlling, miserable husband who calls her a zillion times a day and gets her all upset while she's gone)...and she asked me when the due date was so she could schedule TWO WEEK off of work?!?!?

So, I just took the most gentle but firm approach that I could. I told her that we don't really want out of state houseguests for the first two weeks, and that since ALL of our family is out of state, but nobody likes to share their visiting time, that nobody should really stay for longer than a week, or we'll end up with houseguests for a month!

She seemed to take it well...though I'm sure it will 'hit the fan' when she realizes that I will allow other family to visit earlier than two weeks...but I'm sorry, it's the way it has to be. They are helpful and uplifting, she brings stress and stormclouds. I do love her, she's my mom (DH would prefer we just tell her not to come at ALL...but I can't do that.)...but I had to be firm for the sake of my own sanity, my marriage, and everyone's overall happiness during what's supposed to be a peaceful, happy time.

As for the food...don't take offense. Many people show their 'love' that way by giving service...they don't think you can't cook, but why would you want to? I'm Mormon, and believe me, when anything stressful happens, I end up with a week's worth of meals from well-meaning women! It's very kind, and they are just trying to find a way to give you service. As much as I've often thought it's unnecessary, I am learning to be touched and grateful for it...even if the food is the 5th casserole in a row for the week!

 

[Ashley8806]

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I had to face this with my mom, whom I dearly love but is an incredibly draining houseguest (deals with multiple mental illnesses and a controlling, miserable husband who calls her a zillion times a day and gets her all upset while she's gone)...and she asked me when the due date was so she could schedule TWO WEEK off of work?!?!?

So, I just took the most gentle but firm approach that I could. I told her that we don't really want out of state houseguests for the first two weeks, and that since ALL of our family is out of state, but nobody likes to share their visiting time, that nobody should really stay for longer than a week, or we'll end up with houseguests for a month!

She seemed to take it well...though I'm sure it will 'hit the fan' when she realizes that I will allow other family to visit earlier than two weeks...but I'm sorry, it's the way it has to be. They are helpful and uplifting, she brings stress and stormclouds. I do love her, she's my mom (DH would prefer we just tell her not to come at ALL...but I can't do that.)...but I had to be firm for the sake of my own sanity, my marriage, and everyone's overall happiness during what's supposed to be a peaceful, happy time.

As for the food...don't take offense. Many people show their 'love' that way by giving service...they don't think you can't cook, but why would you want to? I'm Mormon, and believe me, when anything stressful happens, I end up with a week's worth of meals from well-meaning women! It's very kind, and they are just trying to find a way to give you service. As much as I've often thought it's unnecessary, I am learning to be touched and grateful for it...even if the food is the 5th casserole in a row for the week!

I'm glad your mom understood - hopefully she doesn't take offense when the time comes.

Don't get me wrong, when we had DD1, and even with this one, I will welcome food no problem. It was just a nightly thing, even before DD1 was born. She always made comments like "oh I know you guys are just starting out so I didn't know if you had any good recipes to cook yet, so I made you this in case you haven't ate" or "This was Jason's favorite meal. If you don't know how to make it I can bring it once in a while for him". And there's times I would be at work and Dh at work, I would come home, and find her cleaning my house without anyone knowing she was there. I just like the independence is all, it makes me feel like I'm not good enough in their eyes or something

 

[romeo.juliet]

If you don't say anything then no one will know that you are being overcrowded. People may take it the wrong way but speaking up about how you feel may be the only way to get some peace with the situation. Try to tell her you appreciate her intentions of helping you and the baby, but you are going to really need your own time to adjust and rest and get settled. Good luck

 

[AngelBunny]

yeh i would just be firm too hun, just tell here that regardless of whether or not you have a section you'll be wanting some peace & quite and some family time & that no one needs to take time off work except your OH. i'd be making this very clear, i can't imagine anything worse than my MIL floating around our house for a week after the birth! as for her taking it the wrong way, yes she might but your sanity has to come first, and you'll never get that precious first week back xx

 

[lynnikins]

simply dont tell her and dont tell her when your in labour or whatever find someone else to look after your LO if you need to that can be trusted not to tell her and when you do phone to tell her lay down the rules like calling before coming over and leaving you and your OH and LO time to bond with the baby

 

[stouffer]

It's not worth the stress!

I think you should tell her now and let her kick up a stink. She'll only be cutting herself off if she sulks about it. She'll get over it eventually. You'll only have this time with your baby once.

I agree with what some of the others said about your OH saying something. If there was a problem with your parents I'm sure you'd be the one to deal with it, not your OH. She should have a bit of consideration and give you space to recuperate, especially if you end up having surgery. It might be a different story if she was there to help and wasn't getting under your feet.

 

[Ashley8806]

thanks everyone - i will have to talk to dh about it too, and set up some ground rules, and hopefully he can help me this time with explaining it all to her

 

[HappiestMom]

Luckily my in laws are 8 hours away.. haha..but at the same time it sucks coz when they do come visit they insist on staying atleast a week to make it worth it.. so when MIL told hubby she wanted to be there for the birth..IN THE ROOM...I said no...and then she said...ok...I'll wait in the hall or the waiting room..and once again..I said no...because if shes there for the birth then she has to be there for atleast a week after... so he finally listened to me and told her no..we will let her know a week or two after we are home and settled and THEN they can come visit..and so help me if she decided to be sneaky..which I honestly wouldnt put past her..and shows up anyway...I will take LO to MY familys house 3 hours away... my MIL will be more annoying than anything...and I even dread her coming to visit at all...so definitely be firm...you wont regret it...

 

[Sherileigh]

YOu need to be strong and stand up for yourself. If DH won't say something to her, than you tell him that you will. And if she still insists on coming over, leave the room with the baby, she can NOT push you around!
I have an overbearing MIL (at times). She used to just show up unannounced when DS was born, I lived in a condo at the time and I just wouldn't let her in. And if she drops by unannounced with this one I'll do the same. In a house now, so I'll just pretend I was napping and ignore her! And I have no problem emailing her or telling her direct that she needs to call first and we need to plan visits that work with both of our schedules.
MIL's are soooo irritating!!

 

[Ashley8806]

Just talked to DH, and it caused a huge fight

I asked what his mom was planning vacation for, and he said so she can be there in the hospital the day the baby is born. I said well, after the baby is born, right? And he said no, she wants to be there when she is born. I tried explaining to him I don't want people there while I'm in labor, or have a csection. Last time I had a csection I was in a room by myself while everyone was taking pictures and having fun admiring her, for over an hour. It was the most depressing hour of my life, and it still hurts me to think about that day. And if I have a vaginal delivery like I am hoping for, I dont' want people in there while I'm trying to cope with the pain, giving me their unwanted advice and trying to 'help' me through it. I want to have my baby, enjoy some time with her, and then have company. Ugh, I just wish he would understand.

 

[hulahoop09]

I have this worry witg my mil. She keeps hinting about booking a week off for when i have my c section but i do not want her too. If she keeps on about it i am going to have to be firm and tell her we want time to settle and recover when we get home! Xx

 

[abanana]

I have had to do the same each pregnancy!! It seems to always be the same... I am sorry but after I have a child company is the last thing I want. That is the time for you to bond with your new addition and your husband or boyfriend and ofcourse so siblings can meet the member of the family. I have to be a bitch about it or they just dont get it. So def. dont think that you are alone.. believe me you are not at all.

 

[HappiestMom]

you can always tell the doctor/midwife/nurses/hospital staff that you want no one but you and your hubby in there with you... and to turn away anyone else no matter what your husband says, as the patient you have the right to do so... tell your hubby its your body and your baby and your decision

 

[Haack]

Maybe writing her a letter would help. Sometimes when talking to someone in person it can be hard to word things correctly and the other person can very easily turn defensive. Once they become defensive the conversation is really over. Plus a letter will ensure that you get all of your feelings and wishes out there without interruptions. If it were me... I would make sure to stress that you guys love and appreciate that she is so willing to help and be involved. "Please don't take offense to any of this... BUT.... DH & I both want... (fill in the blanks)..." Perhaps give her a task or 2 that you would be okay with her helping with? So that she doesn't feel completely rejected? Those are just a few thoughts off the top of my head.

As far as the hospital & delivery go.... that is a tough one if your DH doesn't understand. But in the end you can talk to the hospital staff and tell them that the only person who is aloud in your room is you DH. But if you can get your DH on board with your feelings... then I wouldn't even tell family when you go in to have the baby. Planned or unplanned.

 

[Ashley8806]

Well I can say what I want as far as the delivery room - it's just mainly the csection I'm worried about, as they take baby to the nursery that has all glass windows so people can watch everything that goes on, while I'm in a recovery room a mile away by myself while they all get to admire LO. If I have a VBAC, I can, and WILL, say that no one is allowed when I am pushing, etc. But people seem to always visit while you are actually in labor, and I'm not so sure I could stop that.

 

[JackiePed]

Wow... I'm sorry your DH was so unsupportive about not wanting someone there at the hospital. That's something I am VERY firm on. I don't want anyone there until after the baby is born and we've spent some time with him/her. Period. I've never had anyone but DH at the hospital, usually until the day after baby is born, and I think we as women have the right to ask for that. It is an incredibly vulnerable, personal, and private thing to go through... I understand finding compromises but that shouldn't be one of them.

 

[ttcnewbie123]

Just talked to DH, and it caused a huge fight

I asked what his mom was planning vacation for, and he said so she can be there in the hospital the day the baby is born. I said well, after the baby is born, right? And he said no, she wants to be there when she is born. I tried explaining to him I don't want people there while I'm in labor, or have a csection. Last time I had a csection I was in a room by myself while everyone was taking pictures and having fun admiring her, for over an hour. It was the most depressing hour of my life, and it still hurts me to think about that day. And if I have a vaginal delivery like I am hoping for, I dont' want people in there while I'm trying to cope with the pain, giving me their unwanted advice and trying to 'help' me through it. I want to have my baby, enjoy some time with her, and then have company. Ugh, I just wish he would understand.

Sorry he didnt understand, by the sounds of things you've made it very clear to him! I too am worried about MIL who only lives 5 mins away, I have made it very clear that no-one will be at the hospital when I give birth, well my exact words were 'if you werent there when the baby was conceived you wont be there when the babies born' seemed to do the trick lol! I have repeatedley told her that DH is off work for the first two weeks so I want as much us time as possible, we need to adapt as a family and having ppl 'pop in' every blinkin day wont help us to do that. Once hubby is back to work I plan to make as many arrangements with friends/ baby classes etc etc to get out of the house so that ppl cant come round! Whenever I say I dont want her help she laughs it off and says Il feel differently when the babies here but I can 100% say I wont, if I needed help the first person I would ask would be my sister who has had children herself recently, not someone who had them 30 years ago! I think MIL's just want to be involved but they just go about it in all the wrong ways!x

 

[Periwinkle]

I would put my foot down about her being there when you're giving birth. TBH I'm shocked that he would think that its anyone's decision but yours who's there when you're in labour! If it came to it I would tell the hospital that I don't want any visitors.