When did you "connect" with your baby?

[Gemini19156]

I'm curious to know when other moms-to-be first felt like they really 'connected' with their baby?

I'm not really feeling that yet, and starting to feel kind of bad about it I've heard a lot of people say that it happened for them when they first saw the baby on ultrasound or heard it's heartbeat, but we got to do those things at our appointment last week and it's still just not happening for me? Is that normal?

I've gotten all wrapped up in my head thinking that something is wrong with me for not already feeling in love with my baby...It might also be worth noting that it's been a really stressful season in our lives - moving, changing jobs, and the financial stress that comes with those things. So I feel like I haven't really been able to just "enjoy" being pregnant or focus on connecting with my baby :/ And on top of it all, my stupid guided pregnancy meditations keep telling me to make sure my body is a "calm, safe place for my baby" which makes me feel guilty because right now baby is swimming in an ocean of stress

Sorry for the rant - hoping to find some encouragement here

 

[karoolia]

I don't really feel connected. I'm 9 weeks now so I haven't had a scan yet. Well, I had an emergency one around 7 weeks, but I didn't get to look at the screen or hear the heart beat, just received a report.

For me, I think it is because I have had a miscarriage and am keeping myself guarded. I am hoping that later on I will feel connected. I do care about the pregnancy and do everything I can to keep baby safe, which I think is what really matters. I have no doubt that at some point I'll feel bonded, whether it be soon or at birth. I'm sure it will happen.

 

[MindUtopia]

Definitely not til much later with my first. Maybe past the 20 week scan? Though I'm really not sure until she was born. I mean I certainly didn't talk to her, we didn't have a name picked out. I think I'm not one of those overally emotional sentimental people. I would say I didn't really feel like I loved her deeply until she was probably about 8 weeks old. I really felt like we had to get to know each other first. But certainly more connected in late pregnancy, definitely not in 1st trimester. This time honestly I have times I almost forget I'm pregnant! And I've had 2 scans already. So I wouldn't take it as an ominous sign or that what you're feeling is unusual.

 

[sara1983]

With my first it honestly didn't happen until after she was born and I had her in my arms for the first time. It didn't feel 100% real until then.

 

[xkirstyx]

I don't feel connected yet. I don't normally do till after 12 week scan/feel movement last pregnancy I didn't till I had gender scan x

 

[laura109]

I got excited on the day of my first scan then i think it wasn't until i got kicks and learnt she was a girl. Then i felt i was bonding with a daughter rather than an unknown if that makes sense. This time around ive only just started getting excited. First 17 weeks i had bleeds and felt sick & tired so i was more fed up. Its normal to not feel anything much at first as theres no kicks or anything yet x

 

[maryanne1987]

With my first it all seemed so surreal, although I was excited I wouldn't say I really connected till after he was born. Don't feel bad about it, it's completely normal. As for stress there's been so many studies on the effect of stress on a unborn. Most studies agree that stress has very little effect, if any on a baby, especially during the first tri although there are conflicting studies for the second and third trimester. You have nothing to feel guilty about, don't be so hard on yourself.

 

[Gemini19156]

Thank you SO MUCH, everyone! It's such a relief to hear that what I'm experiencing is pretty normal.

 

[Scout]

With my 1st, it wasn't until she was about 3 months old! I was too overwhelmed before then and was just trying to survive LOL I had 3 miscarriages before her, so didn't believe I'd actually bring a baby home until I was into 3rd tri, but still didn't bond or connect. I thought it'd surely come when she was born, but it didn't. At about 3 months I started to feel a bond and then the love just continued to grow from there.

 

[kewpie]

I think it's so normal to feel the way you do, and so normal to worry about it! I am feeling somewhat the same at 11.5 weeks. All I keep saying to the people we've told is 'it's just so surreal!' It all feels abstract. And I just think 'bonding' will happen when it happens. If that's when I feel kicks, if it's when he/she is born, or weeks afterwards.

The important thing I think is not to be hard on yourself. And definitely don't feel guilty about what your meditation tapes are saying. It's too much pressure on a real woman to keep her body perfectly calm at all times! Maybe don't listen to the tapes if this is bothering you. I too have had a few short guilt moments when I've been feeling upset about being so nauseous, or in a small rage about something minor (hormones!) - but this is just part of being a pregnant human. So I think number one priority is to be kind to yourself no matter what!

 

[Gemini19156]

I think it's so normal to feel the way you do, and so normal to worry about it! I am feeling somewhat the same at 11.5 weeks. All I keep saying to the people we've told is 'it's just so surreal!' It all feels abstract. And I just think 'bonding' will happen when it happens. If that's when I feel kicks, if it's when he/she is born, or weeks afterwards.

The important thing I think is not to be hard on yourself. And definitely don't feel guilty about what your meditation tapes are saying. It's too much pressure on a real woman to keep her body perfectly calm at all times! Maybe don't listen to the tapes if this is bothering you. I too have had a few short guilt moments when I've been feeling upset about being so nauseous, or in a small rage about something minor (hormones!) - but this is just part of being a pregnant human. So I think number one priority is to be kind to yourself no matter what!

Thanks, kewpie! I think you're totally right. I've been giving it more thought today and I think that it's more important for me to model self-compassion than to try and be 'perfectly calm' all the time

 

[Talia12]

Don't stress about this! (And not because your baby will be swimming in stress - baby will be fine. But for your own sake!) There isn't necessarily going to be a single moment where from then on you feel totally connected to baby. You will some days, others maybe less, if you have other things on your mind etc. I bet you were really excited and amazed (if scared) when you found out you were pregnant - well pregnancy is full of moments like that, where you'll get excited all over again because something new happens (see baby moving on a scan, hear a heartbeat, go public, feel a kick, find out gender, etc!) and then you'll kind of get reaccustomed to that. You WILL bond fully with your baby, and the fact you are even on bnb asking this question shows that you are already worrying about your baby and protecting him/her. Forget what you think you should be feeling - first tri is an absolute load of crap. You feel ill/tired/emotional (yet you can't moan about it to everyone because your pregnancy is still a secret), you're nervous of the risks, and you have zero exciting signs of pregnancy. No bump, no kicks, too early to buy stuff.
Just get through first tri and everything will get better and you will start to connect. Even if it's slow, it'll be happening.

 

[kewpie]

Right on Talia! Thanks for this. First tri is an absolute load of crap, for all those reasons. Really helped to read this!

 

[jessmke]

I didn't connect with either of my kids until they were born. With my first I didn't fall in love with her until months after she was born. I felt very responsible and protective of her from the moment she was born, but it wasn't that feeling of unconditional love until later on. With my second I fell in love the moment he was born and placed on my chest.

 

[060509.x]

Honestly, not until months after she was born.. maybe even longer. I actually felt quite sad when she was born as I thought she would be overdue, she was only 5 days early, but still. I obviously loved her, but it didn't feel like I expected it to feel.

 

[3chords]

I've had 8 pregnancies, 1 actual baby and the one now. I have a hard time bonding with a pregnancy generally speaking because of all my losses. It's ok and will happen for you later on. I found that once I find out the sex it really changes things for me very quickly. Then it becomes a real little person, you can start thinking about names or how to decorate the room, etc. Until then it's kind of a blob. Luckily with my son I knew before 12 weeks and with this one I found out just before 11 weeks which helps a lot.

 

[Littlebear11]

At first I was terrified of the thought of giving birth and just wanted the days to go by slower but now I just had my 20 week scan and once I found out I'm having a boy I felt a lot more connected and seeing him so much bigger moving around on the ultrasound screen made me love him so much more and now I'm extremely excited to meet him and just want these 20 weeks to go by so much quicker.

 

[nicem815]

It took me longer this time than with my first. Honestly, I felt a lot more connected around 32 weeks when I had the 3D/4D ultrasound and she smiled for us. Seeing how clear her little face looked and how my DD is excited for her makes it so special.

 

[immie]

It happened for me at about 10/11 weeks, I'm only 12+4 now so it's very recent that I've started bonding with my baby. You mentioned that you have a lot of stress going on and I really believe that affects it. When I was just 10 weeks pregnant I was so stressed worrying whether I'd miscarried and also I had bailiffs knocking my door every few days, but in that week I got a reassurance scan and sorted out my debts finally and honestly, I feel sooo much more relaxed now and it's since then that I've started 'connecting' with my pregnancy. So don't be hard on yourself, concentrate on being proactive with the stresses that are bothering you at the moment, and things will most likely soon start to change

 

[Sarahcake]

It didn't happen with my son until my 20 week scan where we learned his gender. He was no longer an unknown gender baby, he was my son, Logan. That really made me feel more connected.

This time around, I'm in too much pain to be remotely excited about being pregnant. I have debilitating back pain currently and it's making me very grumpy.

I've got a gender scan booked for 17 weeks this time so hopefully I should start to feel more connected soon.

Please don't stress, it's not as unusual as it may feel x