When is controlled crying acceptable?!

[Wobbles]

In your opinion ...

Just curious!

Peoples parenting routines vary from person to person/family to family so remember noones way is the wrong way!

 

[marley2580]

In my opinion? Never

 

[Wobbles]

I've seen children who have never been left to cry always picked up - can't say the result is great Not that I am questioning your opinion Marley just one reason I would do control crying to a certain point.

We do intend on placing controlled crying in our household the point of controlled crying to us anyway is that where a child is crying for no reason other than to get their own way/having a tantrum.

 

[elles28]

IMO babies cry and I found that I learnt the difference between baby crying for the hell of it & then (what I call a sore cry) where I know something is wrong. What surprised me was when I left my baby girl crying to get older brother ready for school e.t.c that within a couple of minutes (sometimes longer) she would content herself & realise 'oh I'm wasting my time crying here not going to get picked up'. As a result I enjoyed my 2nd baby alot more that I did my 1st!!

 

[Kina]

I suppose I see controlled crying as something people do at night, haven't thought about it being used in the day. There's times that I can't and haven't been able to go and pick him up straight away, but when he was small (under 6 months) I tried to make sure I did pick him up when he was upset pretty much straight away. Now if he's just whingy and crawling around after me he has to wait.
I've not been able to leave him at night to cry until very recently, when I've let him whinge for 3 mins or so, then he settles himself.
I don't see that letting them scream until they're sick or in such a state that they fall asleep exhausted is a good route to go down. I have a friend who did crying at night and left him for 45 mins (apparently he was hysterical). That's something I couldn't do ever! But I supposed that isn't controlled?

What is controlled anyway? Who judges what's a controlled amount or time and what isn't?

 

[Jo]

I agree with you kina, minutes at a time, but until they are sick is just not for me

 

[coccyx]

Depends on age of baby. Don't believe newborns cry to be awkward, they are trying to communicate something to you. As my children got older I never used to rush to pick them up at every squeak. I think you learn to recognise the different types of cry they develop as they get older.

 

[Wobbles]

I didn't mean until they are sick and gasping for breathe

I did mean more for night time/bedtime when you know its a whinge not a pain/discomfort.

Everyone has thir own ways (seen a debate on his before) but your Qs at the end Kina are good ones.

To me its getting to know the dif between own way/fighting sleep & discomfort & personally think 10 minutes max is more than enough. Learning baby to know when its 'bedtime'.

Tanrums are a different ball game & are down to giving child heir own way which I doubt parents do?

So the views on both would be interesting - may change origanal post,

 

[mickey]

I do not believe in letting baby cry before sleeping at all, as I think then baby will learn to associate sleeping with something bad and feeling not well and when they get older it will get difficult to put them to bed!

whereas when they learn it is nice to go to sleep they may go to bed with less difficulties when they get older.

just my pychological theorie

 

[kelly2903]

i havent really thought bout that one. atthe min i drop everything and go running i do believe at the min i should be doing that as she is telling me something is wrong. but when she is older maybe 5 mins here an there just to teach her that crying doesnt ge you everything.

 

[Tilly]

When Bethanie was little we would pick her up a lot at anytime if she cried, because I feel newborns do cry for a reason. We did the controlled crying more from about 4 months I think, we'd leave her for 5 minutes to go to sleep and keep returning every few if she kept crying, we slowly increased the time and she started to learn.

Recently, she is getting a bit naughty and is fine until we put her in bed.. get ready for 1 massive tantrum. We both kiss her calmly and say night, then leave her in the dark with the hallway light on and the door ajar. She is calm as soon as we walk out and asleep in 5 minutes.. and goes down for her afternoon nap no problem the majority of the time.

mickey - You say it's bad for them to go to bed crying, whilst I agree to an extent.. I also agree it's bad for a baby to get used to being cuddled every night before bed, this can make them clingy also.

 

[Carley]

I started around 16 months, that's because my daughter would only fall asleep being held.

 

[marley2580]

To expand on my answer, I'm talking about controlled crying at night. I agree with Mickey about associating sleep with crying. I'm pretty sure that if we have a routine etc she'll go to sleep no problem - at least until she starts having tantrums and the like lol. During the day I don't go to her right away when she's being whiny

 

[mickey]

I started to hold her in my arms, to play her music toy and sing to it just before I nurse her to sleep. this way she can learn to associate this music and singing with sleeping time, that later on she will be able to go to sleep by solely playing the music toy and singing!

I remember when my younger sister (11 years younger ) was about eight month to about a year old (thereabouts), I still would have sung her to sleep and she went to sleep ace, and as well later on there was never a tantrum before bedtime

 

[fiona-thom]

I co-sleep and occasionally just hold and sing to him whilst he cries next to me in bed.... till he drops off..... Picking him up just seems to make the situation worse. But this is a rare occasion, thankfully.

But this is as close as I would ever get. I would never leave a baby alone crying -- unless for example early on, he had colic/reflux fits where he would cry for hours at a time. And sometimes every Mother just has to put the baby down and leave them for a few minutes to regain some sanity.... But of course this isn't controlled crying. This is more like uncontrolled crying.

Leaving them to cry themselves to sleep can lead to insecurity and anxiety in a child. We do not really know the psychological affects that may occur?

 

[Helen]

I think we've done controlled crying from day one but that's because we had to and I think we're better for it. I'd certainly never entertain rocking them to sleep or anything like that as it just isn't possible with two. They've always been brilliant sleepers and as long as we keep to the routine they drop off really quickly and are totally content.

As someone said you can tell the difference between a "I need you" cry and a "I'm just tired and crying" cry and you act appropriately.

I'm absolutely certain I've not caused them any "psychological damage". LMAO!

 

[fiona-thom]

Hmmm? I know lots of people of twins, and I salute the hard job coping with two-babies must be.

But the phrases 'routine' and 'controlled crying from day one' make me shudder in fear.

Few statements:

Australian Association of Infant Mental Health (AAIMHI): "Controlled crying is not consistent with what infants need for their optimal emotional and psychological health, and may have unintended negative consequences. There have been no studies, such as sleep laboratory studies, to our knowledge, that assess the physiological stress levels of infants who undergo controlled crying, or its emotional or psychological impact on the developing child."

Professor James McKenna, director of the Mother–Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory at the University of Notre Dame and acclaimed SIDS expert: "social ideology masquerading as science".

Pediatrician William Sears: "babies who are 'trained' not to express their needs may appear to be docile, compliant or "good" babies. Yet, these babies could be depressed babies who are shutting down the expression of their needs."

English psychotherapist, Sue Gerhardt: "when a baby is upset, the hypothalamus produces cortisol. In normal amounts cortisol is fine, but if a baby is exposed for too long or too often to stressful situations (such as being left to cry) its brain becomes flooded with cortisol and it will then either over- or under-produce cortisol whenever the child is exposed to stress. Too much cortisol is linked to depression and fearfulness; too little to emotional detachment and aggression."

And I could go on and on.....

 

[Wobbles]

What we do know is children learn very quickly that if they cry enough they will get picked up I do believe a certain degree of controlled crying is perfectly ok - Theres a difference between controlled & cruelty so I was just asking about the controlled crying not leaving my baby in any suffering. My Caitlin will always know and always be told how much Mummy loves her like her Daddy will too.

Sometimes putting her down has settled her more than us holding on to her as well.

Thres certainly a difference between child getting own way, tired or discomfort.

 

[Wobbles]

Oh please theres so much information/conflicting information/advice out there that if we kept every single one in mind we'd be running around like looneys.

My Caitlin is certainly too young for controlled crying now but I will be placing a certain degree of controlled crying into our household (agreed by us both) I was an ill-treated child ... I will never ill-treat my baby just have a degree of control over certain behaviours one includes routine. A routine is said to be healthy for a child certainly was in some leaflets my MW/HV gave me.

Nobody said they would listen & leave a distressed ongoing baby.

People have to have a certain degree of routine & control to carry on with normal day to day life like keep a home, other family members, eat, sleep & most of all provide an income.

 

[fiona-thom]

An infant doesn't understand about getting their 'own way'. Fear of predators and death is within our evolutionary biological makeup. Anthropology speaking, families and tribes were close together in the dark to help soothe this fear. A larger group of humans would fair better with predators than a small group or individula.

We as parents may know that an infant is safe in its crib. However, the biology of an infant's brain is initially encoded with innate fear responses, which are easily prompted often in early life.

And sometimes putting them down can work, but that is a different entirely from putting a baby down, leaving it and letting it cry to get it to sleep...


All I can think of is 'Bringing up Baby'. For all Non-UK residents this was a TV programme about the different attitudes and choices in raising a child. One of these was a very harsh regime, including controlled crying.