When to tell her??

[Belle2528]

So, obviously we've gotten our BFP after thinking it would never happen!! My main worry at the moment is my bestest friend in the whole wide world! Her and her OH have been having similar issues to my and my husband and have just started treatment for IVF. My dilemma is, when do I tell her?

I always said I'd tell her first. It was always going to be hard when one of us got pregnant. As much as we love each other and would be pleased for the other it will still be difficult. My husband and I have decided we won't tell anyone until after our 12 week scan (currently 5 weeks!) the issue is that coincides with my best friend finding out whether her attempt at IVF has been successful. So, if I tell her early I'm worried she'll put even more hopes and expectations on this IVF cycle and the last thing she needs is more stress. Or, do I wait until 12 weeks when she will also be finding out whether her first IVF was successful?!

Oh what to do?!?!

Thanks in a advance

Belle xxx

 

[leahtaba]

Oh that is a tough one! I dont personally have any experience with IVF so disregard my opinion if you want, but from a outside perspective I would tell her earlier as if her IVF is unsuccessful it would be really painful to then hear you were pregnant.

I understand it could raise her hopes but I guess she's gunna be crushed either way if the IVF doesn't work.

p.s congratulations!

 

[Belle2528]

We have no experience if it either!! Never got that far!! That's my thinking! I've got a midwife appointment on 22nd Jan when I'll be 8 weeks so maybe I'll talk to her after that. Thank you for your advice! Much appreciated!!! Xx

 

[MalcolmsMiss]

My personal opinion is to tell her. If I where her, I'd find it hurtful if you kept it from me for 12 weeks, when You said Youd tell her straight away type thing.

I'm sure she will be thrilled for you, as she understands the struggle.

 

[Belle2528]

Yeah that's my thinking. I know if it was the other way round I'd have wanted her to tell me. I'm just cautious telling this early in case something went wrong. But then I suppose I'd tell her if something had happened as she's my best friend.


Thanks ladies xx

 

[MrsMoose]

Being on the other side of the fence (i.e. recurrent miscarriage and always seeing my friends fall pregnant successfully) I would tell her first. Take her aside and gently let her know that you wanted to tell her before telling anyone else. She will likely need support from you through her IVF (one way or another) as well, so don't let her feel like she is the last to know from you, her very best friend, that you are pregnant. There is nothing worse, trust me, than being the last to know and feeling excluded (even though the intention behind not being told is completely honourable and from a really good place, it still hurts). While she may be in a confused place because of her own IVF journey, this will not diminish the happiness she'll feel for you - it doesn't work that the happier she is for you, the unhappier she is about her own circumstances (or at least it was like that for me).

All the very best of luck. I know it will be an emotional conversation, but I know that ultimately it will work out.

Carmen. xx

 

[Belle Shine]

I agree with the ladies. It is always going to be a difficult thing to tell her and a difficult thing for her to hear but I think the earlier the better.. It shows that your friendship comes first to you and, as you've been sharing the journey together, this is just another part of the journey to share. Even if she reacts badly to it, she will always now you honoured your friendship and promise to tell her first xxx

 

[Mrs W 11]

Yep I totally agree as well to tell her sooner. Face to face is best at one of your houses and gently let her know. I think the sooner the better as at the moment she still has the hope of her ivf and therefore possible upcoming chance of pregnancy to hope for while she comes to terms with your news. It could well be that she will be pregnant too and just behind you, how amazing to share this journey with your best friend (my best friend has a daughter 1 month older than my daughter and is now pregnant again, 3 weeks behind me this time!).

If her ivf doesn't work, at least she will have had time to absorb and come to terms with your news by then, it won't be a shock to her.

My step sister is lttc and I found it very hard to tell her I was pregnant first time round but she was wonderfully supportive and took it really really well and most of all she was really grateful and pleased that I told her myself before she suspected or heard it anywhere else.

Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy! Ill keep my fingers crossed for your friends ivf xx

 

[Northernmonke]

I've been on her side but with friends that fell naturally and my 2 best friends fell out with me as it was easier for them not to talk to me and they didnt want t deal with my issues and have that burden! It has been horrible. Anyway, one of these so called friends lied to me and told me they weren't trying yet told others she was and when we found it it really upset us as she wasn't truthful with us. As you have been through IVF too I guess? then you know that although it is upsetting you are still pleased for the friend and she will be but just be there for her and and be sensitive to her as well as yourself xx

 

[LoveCakes]

Yep tell her a few weeks before so she can get used to the idea before she has to talk about it.

Our friends were worried about telling us so waited until the day they announced on Facebook and it was awful. We'd rather have come to terms with it first.

Also I imagine her own cycle will be so important to her while she'll be happy her own situation will be her priority.

Congratulations by the way

 

[MaMaRed1012]

First congratulations!

I agree with all the other ladies. I think it is best to tell her first and not wait till the 12 week mark. I would be heartbroken to find out 12 weeks later when we were so close and both trying.

 

[Belle2528]

I know that I would tell her first, I always would regardless of the situation. It was just a case of telling her and it upsetting her during what will already be a stressful time.

But as you say, she deserves to know first. Thanks again ladies

Xx

 

[ladyluck84]

I would tell her sooner rather than wait. If her IVF fails she will be heart broken and that news will be even harder to take. If u tell her now she will be hopeful that it will be her soon. A friend of mine told me the day after I had surgery for ectopic and I was furious with her timing and we didn't speak for months.

 

[EarthMama]

Yeah, if I had a friend like that, I would tell her.

 

[aussiettc]

I would briefly mention it to her and then change the topic to her or something totally non baby related. I would also ask about her I've journey as well as everything else in her life.

When around her try not to talk baby things as it can be really hurtful.
I went through 5 years of ttc when my sister fell pregnant and it was hard all anyone wanted to do was talk baby. I also found out that I had very little chance of a natural pregnacy and started the journey towards Ivf at the time her daughter was born, so I personally struggled to talk to my family at the time.

I wish just once that someone asked how I was doing and coping emotionally, a new baby is an exciting thing but the world doesn't needed to revolve around it if you know what I mean. Don't treat her any differently than before your pregnancy and let her know that you'll be there for her to support her through anything no matter, cause that's what best friends are for.