When you're not ready to say your complete but you know that it's inevitable.....

[Lizzybee]

Yesterday a friend gave birth to twins. Two weeks ago 2 colleagues had their babies. My friend and colleague is expecting hers next Feb. All my friends seem to be pregnant or having babies.
My husband's friends are expecting grand children.
How I wish we had sorted this out earlier. 😭😭😭😭😭

 

[Weebles]

When I married my DH I already had a child. We had discussed children in the future and planned on at least one, maybe two more. We bought a house with an extra bedroom, I dreamed of the nursery. But he changed his mind. I cannot tell you how deceived I felt. I cried every month for the missed opportunity. I grew to resent him in many ways. There were times he agreed to having a child if only so I wouldn't leave him. I didn't want to have a baby without both parents truly wanting one so I never agreed. Honestly sometimes I don't know how we managed to stay together.

He eventually changed his mind but it took almost 10 years. Ten long years. I'm not saying that to mislead you into thinking your DH could change his mind too. There is no gaurntee either way. I'm just here to tell you that I know how you feel. The mourning. It's not infertility but it's still the unmet desire to have a child. It was truly a struggle for me.

 

[Lizzybee]

My step dd is 17yrs older than my ds. She's now very rarely at home because obviously she has her own life. DS misses her when she's not home. (Yes she still loves with us and then Stays with her mum for 2-3 weeks every so often) She doesn't text, call or even ask about him despite appearing to be the doting sister when she is home. This annoys me. She is constantly on the phone or texting her mum's side of the family to check in with the various neices and nephews she has. Why doesn't she do the same for her own little brother?
I worry that when me and dh are gone he won't have anyone.
Am I being stupid? This is why I wanted another baby, to be a companion to D's as they'd be closer in age. Dh's brother is 15yrs older than him so he effectively was an only child and doesn't see what's wrong with that - he's fine and therefore ds will be. 😢

 

[paintrider89]

My step dd is 17yrs older than my ds. She's now very rarely at home because obviously she has her own life. DS misses her when she's not home. (Yes she still loves with us and then Stays with her mum for 2-3 weeks every so often) She doesn't text, call or even ask about him despite appearing to be the doting sister when she is home. This annoys me. She is constantly on the phone or texting her mum's side of the family to check in with the various neices and nephews she has. Why doesn't she do the same for her own little brother?
I worry that when me and dh are gone he won't have anyone.
Am I being stupid? This is why I wanted another baby, to be a companion to D's as they'd be closer in age. Dh's brother is 15yrs older than him so he effectively was an only child and doesn't see what's wrong with that - he's fine and therefore ds will be. 😢

I think that those are very valid feelings. We had our first two close together so they could be friends. They would always have each other. There were times in my DH life when all he had was his brother. And because of their close age and circumstances they were together through foster care and a rough young adult life.

I have been following you for quite a while, but never had any useful input for you. But I want to offer you

 

[lusterleaf]

I definitely know you feel! And glad I found this thread because I'm not even sure where I would have been able to post this!

I have a 6 year old son with special needs (he is on the severe end of the Autism spectrum, nonverbal, needs lots of support) and a 3 year old typical daughter. I want a third but my heart and brain are conflicting. The number one thing that is stopping me is finances- I have to work full time in order to afford our bills and I cannot afford two in daycare at the same time. Plus we don't have much more space in our house. The other thing is I feel guilt that my daughter will bear the brunt of taking care of our son in the future when we no longer can care for him/pass away, and this way she would have a sibling to have support- but I do realize there is no guarantee this third child would be typical anyway. If I were to move forward I would have to wait until my daughter is 5 and in school but not sure that my husband would go for it anyway.

 

[bluebell]

This is how I feel too The difference is it's me that changed my mind, I was an only child and we agreed we would only have one, which we do and I adore being his mum, he makes me happy every single day. But when my now 10 year old turned 3 I began getting broody, and it's come and gone in waves ever since. My DH is adamant no more and although there was a short while a few years back when he started to get on board, it became clear that it was only for my sake and it's really not something he wants to do.

Just recently though my broodiness is back even stronger than ever, I think my age has a large part to do with it. Having recently turned 37 I know time is not on my side and every month I find my heart breaking a little bit more when my period comes. We've been having unprotected sex for years as hormonal contraception doesn't agree with me and we rely on the pull out method. Every month I long for a miracle, that if I were to get pregnant it would be a sign that it's meant to be, but no, nothing and then I wonder well maybe it's not meant to be, maybe I'm wrong!

I don't really know why I'm typing this out other than to try and get some clarity, perhaps one day I'll show my DH this post so he can understand how I'm feeling. I love my DH and our little family dearly but I wish more than anything he would see things the way I do, that even though parenting is challenging, they're only little for such a tiny amount of time and the joy being a parent brings totally outweighs the sacrifices you have to make, and watching your little person grow who's 50% of you and the person you love is magical. That our son would make the most amazing big brother and the pleasure it would bring him having a sibling that he can love and look out for as they grow older, and his family is so important to him. That they'd always have each other, even if they don't get along (which my DH and his brother don't), when times are tough or when we're gone, they've got each other to talk to, to make decisions with, to always be there for each other etc... That being a mum means the world to me, it's been the most rewarding journey I've been on and I'm so proud of our son and being his mum. That when we're older and our children have grown, it will bring us so much happiness watching them starting out their lives, meeting partners, having families, sharing their experiences with us. That this is so much bigger than just about us and what we want to do with our lives right now, and I feel so sad and unfulfilled, almost like there is someone missing from our lives.

I really hope that I don't look back and regret missing the opportunity to have more children. But then what can I do, our son was so wanted by us both and I can't force my husband to change his mind just to please me

Hugs to all of you experiencing similar emotions, it's quite tormenting when your body and mind yearn for something and you can't do anything to change the situation

xx

 

[twinklestar25]

Ahh bluebell it’s so hard and I do t really have any advice as I’m in a similar boat. Dh says he will go ahead but it’s only for my benefit how can i go ahead knowing that. I’ve tried for the last 3 years to move on and it’s not gotten easier, only harder the more the age gap gets bigger an we get older an time is ticking away, I had hoped I wouldn’t want to go back once we were out of toddler stage but it’s still there. Trying to do the best for our family and dh but it’s so hard over something this big.

 

[bluebell]

Thanks @twinklestar25 As my LO got older my broodyness did subside. But it’s really hit me again the last couple of months since my birthday. I think it’s probably Mother Nature sending out a loud signal that it’s now or never lol!

Although the age gap would be huge, in many ways I can see how it would work really well as my son is at an age and increasingly so where he can play out with his friends etc so it would be easier to balance his needs and that of a baby/toddler. I know they wouldn’t have the traditional playing together sibling relationship but he’s so sweet with little kids and I think he’d really enjoy teaching a younger sibling etc...

Deep down I still hope that my DH comes round, either that or we have a whoopsie and a wonderful surprise! A friend of mine said when she got 40 all her broodyness disappeared over night so I’m hoping it will be the same for me, I’m so over these hormones/emotions month in month out!

I hope your DH has a change of heart too!

Xx

 

[twinklestar25]

Thanks, men don’t have half the stuff we have to deal with do they!

 

[bluebell]

Thanks, men don’t have half the stuff we have to deal with do they!

It’s so true! If they experienced the same hormones/clock ticking hormones I’m sure this would be less of an issue for those of us that really want another child!

Xx

 

[Lizzybee]

I have pregnancy envy. My friend who told me in the summer is due in Feb. My other friend who I thought was sticking at 1 told me thursThuthay she is expecting in May. I cried. DH just hugged me. I'm so miserable. Then he came home last night and told me had news that would p**s me off even more. Our mutual friends who were done and had given us all their baby and toddler stuff had just discovered their happy accident. It was like being hit in the chest. I tried to hold it together. Every time I stop I just want to cry. I can't avoid my work friend, but I can avoid the other two. I don't have any friends now that only have one child.

 

[Bevziibubble]

Aww I get pregnancy envy too

 

[bluebell]

I know what you mean! One of my oldest friends who I grew up with has just had another girl 2 days ago and another friend who lives locally had a little boy just over a week ago. They’re both totally gorgeous babies and I’m so envious!

I know the only hope of me ever having another is a happy accident but as we’ve been having unprotected sex (pull out) for about 6 years I’m not hopeful I’ll be that lucky!

it’s tough when your heart yearns for something you can’t have. I hope your DH sees how upset you are and comes around to your way of thinking

Xx

 

[Bevziibubble]

Aww so difficult isn't it

 

[Lizzybee]

Thanks for all your hugs and comments of support. You literally are the only ones I can talk to. The pregnant friends just tell me to take matters into my own hands and get the iud out and get pregnant.....then he will have to deal with it. Wow....are there really women like that?

 

[Bevziibubble]

 

[Jessica60]

My baby is one, I have two kids but can't even look st pregnant women. I want that time back not necessarily a third.

 

[Lizzybee]

I remember when I was pregnant. My friend had miscarried and another was trying without success. I was so careful not to make comments or rub their faces in the fact that I had what they wanted. My current friends ( and husband) seem to constantly be mentioning the fact that a baby is on the way. Husband constantly talks about his colleague and the expectant baby. Why is he doing this? I want to scream. I've declined an invite to a baby shower because I can't cope with being nice about it.

 

[Bevziibubble]

 

[mara16jade]

I remember when I was pregnant. My friend had miscarried and another was trying without success. I was so careful not to make comments or rub their faces in the fact that I had what they wanted. My current friends ( and husband) seem to constantly be mentioning the fact that a baby is on the way. Husband constantly talks about his colleague and the expectant baby. Why is he doing this? I want to scream. I've declined an invite to a baby shower because I can't cope with being nice about it.

Have you been totally honest with him about how upset it makes you when he mentions babies and everyone around you having babies/being pregnant? That would piss me off to no end. I would talk to him and if you need to get angry, get angry. Babies are a huge life decision, and its an awful feeling when someone makes the decision for you, and there's nothing you can do about it. And then to add salt to the wound, basically tease you with stories of all these babies coming into the world. Not nice at all. Next time a friend or family member mentions when are you having another, and your dh is around, I'd point blank say "my husband doesn't want anymore, but I'd love one more". Boom. Done. But I'm not afraid to rock the boat. I'm 35 and could give a rats ass now what people think. I wish you the best. My first baby was easy to get. Second, it took a MC, 1.5 yrs of ttc and then ended with IVF. So I've dealt with the anger of not being able to have the baby I so desperately wanted. But fortunately we got our rainbow baby. How old are you Lizzy?

I would get off the IUD and tell him condoms are the only option now, period. I for one can't go on any type of birth control so we just have to be careful. But it shouldn't be only on you to prevent pregnancy and be uncomfortable.