Where do I start? Due date today (27/09/08)

[NickyT75]

Thanks girls

Niki - I hope you don't take offence to me saying this... (I don't want to appear ungrateful or argumentative) but I need to get this off my chest...

I don't like Sophie being referred to as a mc, she was a perfect little girl who was born prematurely so was unable to survive.

She lived for nearly 10 mins after she was born & I don't feel like the term 'miscarriage' does justice to her.

Im not trying to upset anyone who has suffered a mc as i know from experience how awful they are (had one at 10.5wks previously) but after actually giving birth to a living little girl I get upset when she isn't recognised as a real person.

I know it certainly wasn't your intention to upset me hun & I really appreciate you trying to help , but I just needed to clarify what happened.

I hope this hasn't come across in the wrong way - it's really hard to put into words the way I am feeling xx

 

[Snowball]

Hun we're always here for you. AF seems to always knock me right back. I think it's because we want a baby so badly and when you get to the end of a cycle you have the excitement of a possible bfp and then when af arrives it brings you right back down.

I have days where I don't want to get out of bed, I don't even want to live. Grief is a weird thing and you seem to be able to lift yourself for a short while and then you lose hope again.

What you have been through is so traumatic and to top it off ttc is stressful even if you've never had a loss. It will happen for you though hun, I know it will

 

[NikiJJones]

Thanks for pointing that out Nicky. I'm sorry to have got it wrong. Can't help how you're feeling at all me saying that. So sorry. The pain must be so much worse with what you've experienced too.
Hugs
xxxx

 

[NickyT75]

Thanks Girls

Im glad you understood what i was trying to say Niki xx

 

[NickyT75]

I want to tell the whole story of what happened to me but when I started writing it all down I just couldn't stop & ended up with something that is just too long & detailed for somewhere like this.

I wish I could get it all off my chest but don't know how to go about it xx

 

[NikiJJones]

You should just type it all in Nicky. I would read it all, and I'm sure other ladies would.
Hugs.
Have you had any counselling at all? I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but would possibly help you work through it all and give you another outlet.

 

[Snowball]

I'd read it too hun. I know I wrote Beau's story on the other forum. It hurt to get the words out and I sobbed for ages. After I'd finished writting it though I felt such a relief, like I'd got it out of my head and it was somewhere where anyone could read it if they wanted to. I think it would do you good hun

 

[NickyT75]

I wrote the whole story on Sands & I know you read it Sue so thankyou

Sorry to keep popping up in here... I really should have moved on by now shouldn't I???

Im feeling pretty low again as yet another month has gone by that i am not pregnant

I should be sitting here 39wks pregnant... My beautiful little Sophie should have been born any day now but instead of having my daughter I have

I feel bad for asking for support yet again as I know probably not many of you even know who I am or what happened to us

If anyone wants to read my full story PM me & I will PM you it back but it is too upsetting to put everything on here

Sorry again xx

 

[shelleylu]

Hi Nicky,

You are right, I dont know your story, but from what I have read throughout this thread I feel for you so much.

I had a MC at 10 wks 10 days ago. Its my first and it was so sad, so I cant imagine how you must have felt going so far and giving birth to a beautiful daughter. You are incredibly brave and have had so much to deal with.
I dont think there is a set time for you to get over something like this, and you are bound to feel sad around the time of your edd. Don't beat yourself up, you should be proud of yourself for having the courage to go back to work, and getting stuck in ttc!!

I dont know what else to say, as I wasnt in the same situation as you, but I am here if you ever want to talk.

Big hugs, Shelley x x

 

[NickyNix]

So sorry for your loss

Sending you lots of

and

 

[NickyT75]

Thanks Shelley & Nicky xx

 

[NickyT75]

Thankyou Keldac I have PM'd you xx

 

[Sambatiki]

awwww sweetie

I wish I could take your pain away. Sophie is extremely lucky to have a mother as special as you. Never feel that you are just feeling 'sorry' for yourself, I think that you have been so strong where others may have crumbled. Your support to myself and others has been fantastic. At times I dont know what I would have done without you and the original BAW girls. Your own advice is never the easiest to take so maybe you'll take some from me. Please stop being so hard on yourself, you are allowed to grieve and although time has passed, Im sure that Sophie is still clear in your mind and always will be. If you want to cry, cry. I dont know what its like to lose as you have but I know how much my heart breaks when I think of my LO.

Im hoping that someday soon you'll be in a happier place.

 

[NickyT75]

Thanks Kerry I have PM'd you xx

 

[Snowball]

Aw hun

I'm sorry you're feeling down. I had the witch visit me on Beau's due date and it was heartbreaking. On top of all your grief you have the witch hanging about and it's not fair.

I think you were so brave to write Sophie's story down. I really admire your strength over everything. You've always been there for me, even whilst you've been dealing with your own loss. I really appreciate it hun, you are such a lovely person.

It's ok to feel down. I have major wobbles over on SANDS every now and then when it gets too much for me to cope with. You always have us all here to listen so don't apologise for being down, it's normal hun

 

[golcarlilly]

Hi Nicky

I know we chat on BAW but I just wanted to leave you a message on your thread, I think that we all grieve for much longer than we think is 'normal' I think the world expects us to 'get over' things much sooner than we should or want to, you have suffered a terrible loss hun and you need to give yourself some TLC and not feel guilty that you are still upset.

As all the BAW girls I am here whenever you need a shoulder

 

[Reedy]

 

[doc123]

Nicky.. i just dont know what to say-i'm so so so sorry for your loss and everything you went through- i had no idea. All i do know is you must have loved her and love her still.. she was lucky to have such a strong woman for a mum...sometimes when the heart is broken there is nothing which can mend the holes these children leave in our hearts by them not being physically with us in body but they are always with us in spirit...

No words can express how sad i am for you and how much i wish for you every happiness in your next pregnancy which you so deserve...

hugs sarah

 

[Wobbles]

Doc123 that message ...your words are so sweet - Filled my eyes

x

Hope you didn't mind me saying that on your thread Nicky *hugs* x

 

[NickyT75]

Its Sophies due date today

I miss her so much

R.I.P sweetheart
Mummy & Daddy will never forget how beautiful you were & if love could've saved you - you would've lived forever xxxxx