Why are people so anti FF..rant

[aliss]

Apparently 12 months of colic, reflux, struggling between various formulas, and enduring feelings about "breastfeeding failure" is completely disqualified if, good grief, I've breastfed for 5 weeks. Thanks.

 

[ericacaca]

Not everyone who successfully breastfeeds has it easy and niether do we all depise formula feeding mums.

But you do constantly intrude and try to brow beat them into your way of thinking on here- EVERY single thread on this section ALWAYS gets hijacked by someone with a cow blinkie just reminding us, in case we'd forgotten in the last millisecond how we're doing the less-optimal thing. We get it, we know, pretty much everyone who's posted in this thread has mentioned that we know it and how it's drummed into our skulls constantly - and people regularly post brutally honest stories about how they agonised over coming to the decisions they came to... exactly what good is it doing their self-esteem, or their chances of feeling like a confident parent to rub salt in again and again and again, and deny that they could have possibly have difficulties or whatever - none... it's just a continuation of bullying and an attempt to feed your own ego in doing so.

If we went into the BF section waving formula pompoms we'd be banned in hours.

I dislike bullying - and far far too much of it goes on on the fucking infant feeding wars - from the BF/FF debate to the fact that every single bloody discussion on weaning, even when there are valid reasons behind the choice being made, gets shut down by the "woooo you just need to do BLW" brigade as well. Just for once leave the poor bad formula feeding mummies in the naughty corner in peace and quit the harassment.

So I'm not welcome on this part of the forum because I have a BF blinkie????. I am proud of that blinkie and I am not taking it away just because it could make someone feel bad - just like I will not take away my Christmas lights off my house because it might offend others with different values! Sorry about that - but I really do feel that getting my boobs out in public and in front of my mother in law and freaky brother in law, having numerous pains and feeling sore, having to constantly be with baby because I had no time to express, for 6 months a huge achievement! That blinkie to me really isnt a question of what milk is best - its the effort that goes with it. And I know FF has the same amount of effort, but not the same problems however!

I was close to taking the FF route which is a task in itself but I chose not to. I was close because BF was damn hard to start with and I really really understand and sympathise with ladies who chose not to continue with it. The majority of our NCT group FF and its never been an issue with any of us BFing girls. The only reason we may have asked "do you feed her?" was out of genuine interest and support and trying to figure out who we knew was going through the same experiences as us.

I lurk the FF part of this forum because one day I know that I am going to switch. I feel no shame in FFing and I really do appreciate the wisdom of all the ladies here that FF. I am petrified of starting to FF. I have no idea how much to feed in one feeding, how many bottles in a day, should you feed on demand, what to do when out and about, the list is endless! And I've had no support whatsover from health visitors to switch which makes me feel AWFUL to even think about it even before I've started it in the first place!

But, yeah, I guess I'm sorry to have barged into somewhere I'm not welcome

 

[robinator]

I have no problem with the badges; it's just like having a ticker for your baby or how long you've been married. I don't see it as a snub.

Back to the original question, I believe the reason women who have/choose to ff (for WHATEVER reason) are reluctant to do so because of the feedback they get. When looking for support, they often receive admonishing. The posters telling them to keep pumping/don't give up/do this/do that may genuinely be trying to help, but often times the OP has made up their mind to ff and aren't looking for someone to tell them what they should be doing differently. When they are in the mindset to ff, anything said which doesn't directly support that can easily be viewed as condemnation.

For me, knowing how many moms (purposely or inadvertently) came down on formula feeders, it really made me feel like I'd failed. Those moms may have never had an issue breastfeeding and so don't accept that others genuinely do. When they give all their advice, and I took it and it still didn't work, then I felt even more of a failure because there must be something wrong with me and now I have to give my baby something second (or fourth or fifth) best. That it even has a rating is wrong, IMO.

Goodness, I felt enough guilt and now some organization is confirming that I wasn't giving my baby the best, even once a day? Of course I was anti-ff for my baby!

 

[socitycourty]

it always turns out like this because people are tired of BF moms coming in here and telling them again how BF is best. it wasn't best for us, it took away any joy i should have had in my baby's first 8 weeks. even the formula package tells me i'm not doing it right. my lo's pediatrician had to console me in her office and she told me i wasn't the only one feeling like that. so this does have real life consequences, my BIL had a coworker who was almost a successful suicide because she couldn't BF.

 

[Irish Eyes]

Obviously not always but I do think in a lot of cases FF feeders are harder on themselves than the person talking to them. I've never met a single mum that when she says she FF doesn't give an explanation as to why. Even on this forum during questions that have nothing to do with it, you post "I FF (due to the following reasons)" I've never spoken to someone that breastfeeds who says "well I bf for the following reasons". There's no need to justify how you feed your baby!!

I honestly believe that it's the inward guilt that leads a lot of FF to feel like they're being targeted. At my Aunts wedding a while ago, I was bfing at a table with my cousins and their kids and before I'd even said anything one came at me with "I tried to bf but had no milk". I hadn't even thought to ask?!!

When FFs really start to feel comfortable with their own decisions then I don't think they'll feel attacked. Most of my mummy friends FF, it's the norm here.

 

[robinator]

Obviously not always but I do think in a lot of cases FF feeders are harder on themselves than the person talking to them. I've never met a single mum that when she says she FF doesn't give an explanation as to why. Even on this forum during questions that have nothing to do with it, you post "I FF (due to the following reasons)" I've never spoken to someone that breastfeeds who says "well I bf for the following reasons". There's no need to justify how you feed your baby!!

I honestly believe that it's the inward guilt that leads a lot of FF to feel like they're being targeted. At my Aunts wedding a while ago, I was bfing at a table with my cousins and their kids and before I'd even said anything one came at me with "I tried to bf but had no milk". I hadn't even thought to ask?!!

When FFs really start to feel comfortable with their own decisions then I don't think they'll feel attacked. Most of my mummy friends FF, it's the norm here.

Great observation! You're right - I always felt I had to justify: "my baby gets one bottle a day because......"

But yeah, it shouldn't matter

 

[ktod]

Maybe like aliss says some FF can be over sensitive about BFeeders comments BUT I personally feel FF need a sanctuary from BF sometimes. If a breast feeder gets a negative comment in the street it doesn't really matter cos you know within yourself your doing the best for your baby. When a FF gets a negative comment it really hurts cos you know within yourself it's not the best for your baby, and all we all want is to give our children the best. And to come onto a formula thread and say its the 4th best option.......it's a kick in the teeth

 

[readytotry]

I agree with Irish eyes.

Also, I think a lot of people are very vocal about breastfeeding, not because its the most important parenting decision ever, but because its hard and in real life support is pretty rubbish (beyond hcp telling you you should be doing it). People who breastfeed beyond a certain age are very openly mocked in our society (bitty anyone?) and those blinkies are a show of strength against that discrimination, not an attack on those who choose differently.

 

[readytotry]

Maybe like aliss says some FF can be over sensitive about BFeeders comments BUT I personally feel FF need a sanctuary from BF sometimes. If a breast feeder gets a negative comment in the street it doesn't really matter cos you know within yourself your doing the best for your baby. When a FF gets a negative comment it really hurts cos you know within yourself it's not the best for your baby, and all we all want is to give our children the best. And to come onto a formula thread and say its the 4th best option.......it's a kick in the teeth

This makes a lot of sense, but this thread is specifically about people continuing to breastfeed. In fact the op is quite judgy about people breastfeeding when, in her opinion, it is not in the baby's interest. So it's not really a formula thread, iyswim.

 

[sandilion]

Woah Dizz! All I can say is when I was BF and I had the blinkie up it helped encourage me to keep going as long as i could. It was never to rub into peoples faces ever... it was because it helped me, and also helped me feel proud of myself as i personally made a lot of sacrifices to pull off BF. Weight loss being a big one i struggled with not being able to do.

You say in your sig that you are a proud FF - but after reading your last post, that's not looking like the case. Be content with yourself! Don't let what other people are doing get to you so much. I have another friend who FF her child from birth and she is just as loving and nurturing to her child as I am with mine. BF does not make a woman the better mother. Please find peace in yourself about this as carrying so much anger and hatred can't be good for you at all.

Now my BF blinkie has been replaced with my weight loss ticker! Now that is something i feel embarrassed by, but for the same reasons as the BF blinkie - it is encouraging me to keep at it!

My LO is absolutely thriving on FF by the way, so peoples negative opinions of me not BF for the full year are water off a ducks back. He's doing great, so they are talking shit. Plus he plainly rejects my breasts now and LOVES holding the bottle himself. My milk is all dried up now too and its bloody awesome to feel like "me" again.

 

[leelee]

I am not into blinkies myself but they don't bother me. I have to say, I am not into statements like this in people's sigs. 'I am a xxx, xxx, xxx, mother'. Just personal preference really.

 

[loves_cookies]

I hate the BFvFF debates. Everyone needs to feed their baby. Different methods suit different people and I don't think anyone should be made to feel guilty/bad for however they choose to feed their child. I EBF for 6 weeks before switching to Nutramigen FF because of CMP and Soya intolerance (see I'm justifying myself on a FF thread). I do feel the need to justify how I feed my child when I'm asked my strangers (and I have been, both when I was BF and FF). I shouldn't feel the need to do this but I do because those 6 weeks were pure hell and I don't want people to think that I didn't try. My DH has told me more than once that the only people who need to know how hard I tried are me and him. 8 weeks on I don't feel guilty for my decision, my LO is thriving more than she ever was on BM she was in constant pain, not gaining weight properly and no one in my house got any sleep, but I still feel the need to justify myself.

The one thing I did get that so many of you that have commented didn't get is support. I was under the care of my midwife until LO was 7 weeks old and both she and my HV talked through with me the pros and cons of switching. In fact both suggested that it was the right thing to do (before we even had a concrete diagnosis). I feel incredibly lucky that I had 2 professionals who were able to see past their guidelines and offer their support in what they felt was the best decision for me and my LO. I do wonder whether there would be less arguments/guilt on FF if people had been supported better on their decision or circumstances rather than just had breast is best rammed down their throat and left to get on with it. My HV once encountered a baby whose formula contained twice as much powder as it should have. Now I'm not suggesting anyone on these forums would do such a thing, but IMO this highlights not having guidance and support available on how to FF for parents can be dangerous in some circumstances.

 

[robinator]

There's a mom of twins at my church and, thanks to this thread, I realized to day that she is always (and I do mean always) talking about "xxxx gets a bottle because I don't have enough milk."

I wonder if she's a bnb member, lol.

 

[LegoHouse]

Firstly this isn't a bf debate. We all know that all things being equal, breast is best.

But if the baby is hungry and you've tried the fennel tea and 100 other things to feed your baby, why would u still insist in BFing. There comes a point when the baby just needs food surely and if that's only available from a bottle then surely that's the most important thing?!

(And re-state this is not a bf debate and I am talking about when bf'ing simply isn't going to work, and everything has been tried but mums still won't switch to formula as 'breast is best!').

Rant over.

Some people just have different views on what trying everything is.

 

[LegoHouse]

Just to turn it around for a minute. Say you really don't want to breast feed. You find it "creepy" for whatever reason... or something like that. Nothing in this world will make you breast feed. But your baby is born, and formula feeding is not as easily accessible as you thought, or in some cases almost impossible. Do you breast feed straight away? Or do you seek out every other option before you give in and breast feed because it's something you have decided you really don't want to do?

Maybe some people just don't want to give their babies formula. Maybe it is just a last resort for SOME people. Everyone is different.

 

[loves_cookies]

I didn't try everything to breastfeed my LO successfully. But I'm fine with it because I still feel it was the best decision for me and LO.

I gave up dairy, but I wasn't willing to give up soya too. I thought about it and decided that I wanted to be able to go out to eat without worrying if I'd be able to find something on the menu I could eat (I checked out a couple of online menus of chain restaurants which had allergen information available and wasn't able to find any main dishes which didn't contain neither dairy or soya). And I wanted to be able to eat chocolate and sweets and biscuits too. I also didn't want to feel guilty if I ate something wrong and made her ill. So at least in part my decision to FF my daughter was completely selfish. And I still don't feel bad for FF! It's far more important to enjoy the time with my LO whilst she is small than to be constantly worrying about what I'm putting in my mouth and whether it will make her sick.

Hmmm I wonder if this makes me an evil bad Mum. I must remember to ask the next stranger who feels the need to question how I feed my child!

 

[LegoHouse]

Has anyone actually called you an evil bad mum??? That's shocking if they have :-S

 

[readytotry]

I've been thinking, and do you know what I've realised - I didn't try everything to breastfeed my LO successfully. There I've said it.

I gave up dairy, but I wasn't willing to give up soya too. I thought about it and decided that I wanted to be able to go out to eat without worrying if I'd be able to find something on the menu I could eat (I checked out a couple of online menus of chain restaurants which had allergen information available and wasn't able to find any main dishes which didn't contain neither dairy or soya). And I wanted to be able to eat chocolate and sweets and biscuits too. I also didn't want to feel guilty if I ate something wrong and made her ill. So at least in part my decision to FF my daughter was completely selfish. And I still don't feel bad for FF! It's far more important to enjoy the time with my LO whilst she is small than to be constantly worrying about what I'm putting in my mouth and whether it will make her sick.

Hmmm I wonder if this makes me an evil bad Mum. I must remember to ask the next stranger who feels the need to question how I feed my child!

No one on this thread is saying that ff for any reason makes you an "evil bad mum". The op was actually judging people who continue to try bfing when it's difficult. Suggesting it was going against the babies interest. Don't make this into something it isn't. No one is saying it's wrong to stop, the op is suggesting its wrong to continue trying.

Ps I had gd when pregnant so understand how rubbish it is to have to watch what you eat. And how stressful to be constantly worrying if you are hurting your baby because of it.

 

[loves_cookies]

It wasn't meant to be a serious comment and It wasn't aimed at anyone on the forums. I don't want it to turn into another argument or have people feel bad. It was aimed towards the strangers I have encountered in real life who have felt the need to know how I feed my child. The ones that walk away tutting and shaking their head when I tell then I FF. They no nothing about me or my daughter or what we went through whilst BF but feel they can judge me anyway. They don't even ask if she was ever BF. I will not feel bad for my decisions. The guilt I felt knowing what I was eating was making her sick is way more than I felt watching her thrive on formula. I'm really sorry that my comment has been misunderstood, I don't think anyone is evil or bad for feeding their child, nor do I think they should feel that way themselves or feel that other peopIe think that way about them.

I really hate that people feel bad about FF. I think everyone should have access to support and guidance whichever feeding method they choose, and everyone should be free to make the choice that they feel is best for their child. Everyone does what is best for their child and their circumstances and they should never feel guilty for that.

I haven't mentioned to anyone other than my DH before that I was constantly having to justify my decision to BF to my parents, they didn't want me to do it, succeed with it and tried to talk me out of it. They way it was dropped into very conversation about LO put me under huge pressure and I felt hugely unsupported by them. Although they never said it they came across like they felt I was judging their choice to exclusively FF me. I wasn't. Then on the other hand virtually all my friends are pro BF. Whilst I was pregnant more than one of them told me that all I needed to feed my child was boobs. When another friend had latch issues she was called a liar by these people behind her back. Some people cannot see passed their own decisions when they have only used one method of feeding.

Anyway now I'm rambling.

 

[loves_cookies]

I've been thinking, and do you know what I've realised - I didn't try everything to breastfeed my LO successfully. There I've said it.

I gave up dairy, but I wasn't willing to give up soya too. I thought about it and decided that I wanted to be able to go out to eat without worrying if I'd be able to find something on the menu I could eat (I checked out a couple of online menus of chain restaurants which had allergen information available and wasn't able to find any main dishes which didn't contain neither dairy or soya). And I wanted to be able to eat chocolate and sweets and biscuits too. I also didn't want to feel guilty if I ate something wrong and made her ill. So at least in part my decision to FF my daughter was completely selfish. And I still don't feel bad for FF! It's far more important to enjoy the time with my LO whilst she is small than to be constantly worrying about what I'm putting in my mouth and whether it will make her sick.

Hmmm I wonder if this makes me an evil bad Mum. I must remember to ask the next stranger who feels the need to question how I feed my child!

No one on this thread is saying that ff for any reason makes you an "evil bad mum". The op was actually judging people who continue to try bfing when it's difficult. Suggesting it was going against the babies interest. Don't make this into something it isn't. No one is saying it's wrong to stop, the op is suggesting its wrong to continue trying.

Ps I had gd when pregnant so understand how rubbish it is to have to watch what you eat. And how stressful to be constantly worrying if you are hurting your baby because of it.

That comment about evil bad mum wasn't serious and I definitely don't think its wrong to stop BF for any reason. Neither was it a response to anything said on this thread. It was aimed at the random strangers (I'm talking real life here) who question my FF decision. Consider it more of a challenge to anyone who thinks BF was the best thing for my daughter or me come to that. Unfortunately I do seem to have encountered some narrow minded people who think formula is bad, including some of my friends. I'm sorry the tone was misunderstood as serious one. I don't want to turn this into a debate more than it already it and it definitely wasn't my intention.

I'm not sure I'll enter one of these debates again, i've been editing these posts all night trying to get them to sound right. My dyslexic brain can't cope!