Why are people so quick to suggest adoption to LTTTCers?

[Kimiw]

Ok, so I am just so sick of people saying, "there is always adoption", I know, I know there is always adoption. I have looked at every angle there is to look at when it comes to becoming a mother. I personaly do not have anything aginst couples who adopt, I actually admire them and wish I could be like that. But what people don't understand is, it is NOT easy to give up the thought of having your own child. It is like morning the loss of a loved one, and in a sense, it is. And honestly, is adoption any easier??? There is a long process involved, it could take years and even at that you might get all the way up to showing up to the hospital and the birth mother changes their mind. I know that doesn't always happen but it does happen, and it happens more than people realize. I don't want to adopt and older child, I know that sounds very selfish, but I want to experience caring for a newborn. Anyway, I just don't understant that, what do you laides think about it?

 

[StephieB]

Pure ignorance and lack of education into infertility. Thats the only thing I can think of as to why people throw the 'adoption' word out like its so simple.

 

[Kimiw]

it's true, they make it seem like it is as easy and going to the store and buying one. I guess your right, they just don't understand infertility.

 

[RKW]

I think it is a way to avoid the ugliness of the infertility conversation. Nobody I know actually wants to talk about my infertility with me, and bringing it around to adoption provides a way out of the conversation.
I personally would lie to adopt, but it is so rare in the uk to get approved and even rarer to get a baby, most common age is 3 by the time you get them. I've considered adopting from overseas in order to make it easier, but won't be ready for this until I am 100% certain I cannot have my own child.
Selfish I know but I want the experience of a pregnant belly and giving birth

 

[chefamy1122]

I think people just don't know how to react, and say the first thing they "think" will help. But when it usually comes from people that have biological children, it makes it pretty hard to swallow.

 

[aintlifegrand]

This is why I'm telling very few people about IVF. I can't stand the judgmental opinions. The thing is, I would adopt, but for some reason, it's important for me to exhaust our options. ALSO, adoption can be very expensive, time consuming and stressful.

 

[ttcforever17]

hi everyone

ive been ttc for many many yrs and have had lots of treatments and considered all options but was refused adoption as i suffer from a chronic pain condition , so not everyone is allowed to adopt and not for some sinister reason. so when i explain this to those helpfull people they mostly go on to say o well hopefully you will be lucky some day i know someone who tried and tried and whey the stoped it happened so this might happen to you, gggrrr my answer to them is this always happens to other women never me.

xx

 

[Armywife84]

Steph said it, because they're ignorant. Seriously, they should be some sort of spokesperson for adoption. They sure act like they know what they're talking about.

Funny how those who are so quick to suggest adoption, have never adopted. And happen to be fertile.

 

[RKW]

Oh god, the number of people who seem to know a woman who tried to conceive for years and when they gave up/relaxed magically found they were pregnant. It is the worst bit of advice ever! I have never actually net one of these magic women yet, but I sure do keep hearing about them. ( from fertile women mostly!)

 

[Kimiw]

I know, I have heard that line so many times. There seem to be a lot of people who happen to "know" a couple who tried for years and the moment they gave up they got pregant. Well, me and DH gave up and took a break for two years, no temping, opks, nothing, I didn't even think about being pregnant but I never got pregnant. For those two years we did NOT care about concieving at all so I don't believe that crap when people say it. Maybe it worked for another woman but it sure as hell did not work for me!

Adoption is not a bad thing at all, but people seem to think it is easy. I actually had a friend (who has 2 kids) tell me, "oh, well there is always adoption, you guys should do that it is just as good as having your own." I asked her, "if you didn't have your kids would you adopt?" She was speechless. She started to explain that she loves her kids so much she could not imagine not having them, and that is when I said to her, "that is exactally how I feel about my unborn children."

 

[hopefull85]

honestly i would love to adopt. i dont have to experience pregnancy. i would even adopt a child 5 years old or younger. giving birth to a child doesnt make you a mother loving a child and caring for a child does. i just want to be able to hear a lil voice call me " mommy" but its just so hard and its not cheap. so what i am saying is that adoption is an option but not for alot of us because of money and the long drawn out process.

 

[Kimiw]

honestly i would love to adopt. i dont have to experience pregnancy. i would even adopt a child 5 years old or younger. giving birth to a child doesnt make you a mother loving a child and caring for a child does. i just want to be able to hear a lil voice call me " mommy" but its just so hard and its not cheap. so what i am saying is that adoption is an option but not for alot of us because of money and the long drawn out process.

I honestly don't have a problem with adoption. It is just not an option for me, at least for now. Me and DH have not let go of hope to have our own. I guess for me an older child CAN come with some emotional issues, not all by any means but my husbands father's best friend and his wife adopted a 6 year-old and it went south pretty quick. The child hated them because he was dealing with abandonment issues due to feeling like he was not wanted by his own parents. One of my teachers adopted an older child and had the same experience except he adopted his when the boy was 4. I just don't know if I could deal with that. It would just break my heart to see a young child so unhappy, I just couldn't imagine feeling like I was not wanted by my mom and dad, and both of those children were old enough to remember all the foster homes they were in and out of. They may even remember their own parents for all we know. But I respect what you are saying, I truly admire the fact that you are open to the thought of adoption and even to an older child. I just don't think I could do it, but that is just me and I know everybody is different.

 

[MrsPete]

My Mom suggested adoption to me and was kinda pushy about it, too. My parents tried for five years and were on the adoption list for two years before she got pregnant with me. So she has experienced infertility and was willing to go the adoption route. When I told her I don't want to adopt she didn't understand.
I think to adopt/ not to adopt is a very personal decision. A few people who suggest it to you probably would if they were in your position; others may think they would but since they were able to have children easily they have never contemplated it as thoughtfully as we have.

 

[mjemma]

I think most people just don't know how to respond and want to find something useful or positive to say. My mum has started going one further and saying 'living without children is not so bad you know.'!!! I have firmly told her we are very far away from that conversation.

 

[beegray]

For me personally (please don't be offended, it's my opinion) adoption should never be "the last option". Adoption can bring about whole lot of issues for you and the child and adoption is a very painful process. I am adopted so I know the issues that go into it. I was given up for adoption at the age of 3 and adopted at 4 so I knew what was going on. The child coming into the family as a "last option" can only increase the feeling of unwantedness and abandonment. My DH always wanted to adopt, before we even met we both wanted to go adoption as well as own children. Actually with what we both want to do is run a school for underpriviledge kids, link up with orphanges and maybe run a centre ourselves. So it's kinda always been a passion of mine. It is a very stressful, drawn out process and often very painful for both parties but most of the time it turns out to be the best thing you've ever done. Can't wait until DH and I decided when to start the process but won't be for another few years because we know the process is difficult and with IF hitting us we not really ready yet to go through that process. We don't want it to be seen in our child's eyes that they were the last option. (Again, please don't take offense, really don't mean it, just my thinking behind it and will not bang anyone for their opinion on adoption because it's such a heavy subject)

 

[uwa_amanda]

I think a prime reason why people automatically bring up adoption is because they probably don't realize what exactly goes into adopting a child. For us personally, adoption is out of the question mainly because of the long wait, money, and other reasons I can't think of right this second. (I am at work so I am acting as if I am responding to a text message lol). I do know that adoption is a very serious discussion that most couples with infertility go through. We have discussed it and we have our minds pretty much made up.

 

[tamithomas]

I'm with beegray, Adoption should never be considered as a last option. If you want to do it,great but never do it just because you've given up on IF. It's like adopting a dog just because you're lonely. Sure the love will be there, but it's not for the right reasons.

But to answer the question, my opinion is it's the only quick on hand answer that most uneducated people towards infertility have and god only knows everyone likes to feel like they got all the answers to everything even if they don't know didly squat about a certain subject lol

 

[CanadianMaple]

I hear you on that one. That was the very first thing people said to me when we found out about the azoo. I think they felt like it would be a sure way to get a baby and most had no idea how expensive and time consuming it is. With my husband being 44 in Sept, we don't have that luxury.

 

[tlm]

I think most of what friends and family say to someone who is having issues ttc is meant to be helpful and encouraging but is usually coming from a place of ignorance. I have a friend who told me she knew someone who had tried for years with her husband to conceive, well they divorced and she remarried and then had no problem ttc! This really hurt me because I am wondering if she is telling me that DH isn't the one for me!? I mean, how insensitive!? I think that when they are telling us these things in their minds they are being positive and trying to give us hope. Unless you have been through this you have no right to tell us, who are dealing with it, how to feel and what to do!

Here is a good website for family and friends to understand...

https://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

 

[Kimiw]

I agree with you ladies. Adoption should never be looked at as a last resort and I believe it for the same reasons. I know that adoption comes with a whole range of problems and like you said being the last resort just adds to the unwanted feeling of the child. Thank you for your input, I respect your honest answers.