Why are people so quick to suggest adoption to LTTTCers?

[RoccoBoxr]

Kimi you put it well when you talked about how you feel towards your unborn baby. People just don't understand that when to are trying so hard to conceive, you have a baby in your heart, and if you never get to bring that baby into the world, you mourn that loss much like a death. The article that tlm posted is great, and when I read it before the part that stood out was that women mourn the loss of their baby, rather it was ever brought into this world or not, and you have to go through that process of mourning when you get to the point of considering adoption (if you were TTC before reaching that point, I also agree that adoption is some people's first choice!). You mourn the loss of a baby that is a creation of you and your partners, and when people just say "oh you can adopt!" they discount that process and assume it's so easy to jump to the next step.

I know that the topic of infertility is uncomfortable to others and they'll just blurt out whatever saying comes to mind, but I wish people just wouldn't say anything. Probably why I dont tell anyone about our infertility. Good luck to you all!

 

[Lolly1985]

That's exactly it, it's an 'easy' answer when people are put in an 'uncomfortable' position. They generally have no clue about IF, TX or adoption. We are now on the path to find our child through adoption and the ignorance continues... We had an interview with our Social Worker recently, and a friend said after, "oooh, do you get your baby now?" I had to then explain in length that following initail interview is prep, is home study, is PAR report, is panel, is matching, is matching panel, is intros etc etc... let alone the rarity of actually being matched with a baby. It is not an easy option, and rightly so, it is a big step, as is any course of treatment. By the time I had finished she looked grey and i'm sure wish she never asked Luckily I haven't told many people

 

[shorman]

Sorry ladies I agree with no one can understand if they haven't been in your shoes, I was adopted at 9 and talked to my mum loads about why she stopped trying for her own and was surprised she went down the adoption route as I would be the same about wanting to experience carrying a child and stuff and new it took my mum three years for the adoption process i don't not no how much it cost but I new she had done one cycle of IVF and that failed, but also I think you have to be quite a strong person emotionally to adopt as well I had as I call of baggage but also forever thankful to my mum and dad who I see and they see in there eyes as there child they took care of me and I thank god every day for them but I don't think I could of if I had been in her situation of given up on ttc my own biological child. Again sorry posting here just really interesting to me this thread

 

[Lolly1985]

Adoption in the UK is free, but it is more the emotional cost of the process. Lovely that your mum adopted you at an older age when many continue to be fixated on having a 'baby'. When I started TTC and discovered it wasn't going to be easy (6 years ago) I always thought I would fight to have my biological child, and keep going for as long as it took. But to be honest it grinds you down. I had 3 failed IVFs and physically and emotionally could not face more heartbreak. Time is ticking on and I just want to be a mum, by whatever means. It will make no difference to me. With adoption, as challenging as it can be, I feel that there is finally light at the end of the tunnel. With treatement I felt it would never work and it just streched agonisingly out in front of me. I feel I gave it my best shot and it didn't work. Maybe it wasn't meant to be I now have hope, and as the UK system continues to change for the better I know we are in a good place to go for it. I am so excited to adopt, but however out child comes to us, we will all be mummies one day

Always an interesting and thought provoking subject

 

[Kimiw]

Thank you all for weighing in on my original post. When I first wrote this post I was having a week where people were suggesting adoption to me left and right. We have been trying for 6 years and this is the first time I got bombarded with this. I know my mom wants to be a grandmother again, (she has a grandson from my brother) and she is just keeping hope that I will give her one. It is just hard to deal with. Adoption is a huge step, and for some it is not the right thing. I don't know how I feel about it, and like one lady said, it should not be a last resort. And I agree with that, adopted children already come with some emotional issues of being abandoned, and I don't think that it is going to help for that child to know they were the "last resort." If I decide to adopt it will not be for quite a few years. I want to make sure that my husband and I are adopting for all the right reasons, and not because of our own selfish reasonings because these children deserve the best of the best in my opinon. Your heart has to be in the right place, and while others from the outside think it is a simple solution, it really is not.

 

[Kimiw]

Kimi you put it well when you talked about how you feel towards your unborn baby. People just don't understand that when to are trying so hard to conceive, you have a baby in your heart, and if you never get to bring that baby into the world, you mourn that loss much like a death. The article that tlm posted is great, and when I read it before the part that stood out was that women mourn the loss of their baby, rather it was ever brought into this world or not, and you have to go through that process of mourning when you get to the point of considering adoption (if you were TTC before reaching that point, I also agree that adoption is some people's first choice!). You mourn the loss of a baby that is a creation of you and your partners, and when people just say "oh you can adopt!" they discount that process and assume it's so easy to jump to the next step.

I know that the topic of infertility is uncomfortable to others and they'll just blurt out whatever saying comes to mind, but I wish people just wouldn't say anything. Probably why I dont tell anyone about our infertility. Good luck to you all!

And it was the truth, people honestly don't understand what it is like. It is just like mourning a death. But I try and understand that they are just trying to help because a lot of times they don't know what to say. IF is a very sensitive subject, for both the patient and the outsider. I honestly think people mean well, but because they don't know all the ins and outs of adoption, it might seem like it is as easy as going to an orphanage and choosing a child to take home (kind of like when you go to the animal shelter to adopt a pet). I don't really talk to people about our IF but because we have been married for going on 6 years, people are starting to question non-stop. "When are you going to have kids? What are you afraid of? Are you guys going to have any kids? Why don't you have kids yet? Are you planning on starting a family anytime soon? The questions go on, and on, and on. It is quite annoying.

 

[LornaMJ]

My own personal main reason for wanting a baby is to be a mother to mine and DH's baby!! to have a little me and him, to carry on the love we share. People don't understand its not just about having a baby. My MIL once asked had I considered surrogacy...now that is ignorance, my DH just asked what made her think I couldn't carry my own child, that shut her up!!!