Why doesnt husband feel the same????

Discussion in 'Trying To Conceive' started by carisasanders, Jun 6, 2011.

  1. carisasanders

    carisasanders Well-Known Member

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    Why is it me who is the one who is a basket case, why am i the only one who seems to be as focused on this. Why isnt a priority to him like it is to me?? Is it men by nature who act as whatever?!?!? Im so frustrated with this man right now. :dohh:
     
  2. mammag

    mammag Expecting a Rainbow

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    Men just aren't made like we are, they don't get it. My DH really wants to get pregnant but he doesn't obsess like I do that's for sure, he feels like it should just happen, and every time it doesn't he sinks a little deeper into himself about the whole thing. He did just tell me the other day that he was going to start putting more effort into it, he said he hadn't been giving his whole self to the process and that he was going to be fully committed this month, and it's been 3 years TTC for him to say something like that! Lol, so it just takes them a while to come around and understand how much it affects us.
     
  3. wantanerd

    wantanerd Well-Known Member

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    My Dh doesn't want to talk about fertility or trying to conceive. He doesn't want to think about it, go to the doctor's with me or hear about it. Men deal with things a lot differently than women do. Men don't understand the longing and the need to have a baby and how it tears us up every month when it doesn't happen.

    There are still days where I wish I had more support from him with this but when I tell him we need to DTD, he will without protest. So I am lucky there. But husbands can be frustrating during this process.
     
  4. carisasanders

    carisasanders Well-Known Member

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    im really ticked right now and my hormones are so ranged that im homocidal if he dont get with it. He really thinks doing laundry is a priority while im in the middle of ovulating i really am speechless hes about to loose me cause i cant deal with him not caring for too much longer.
     
  5. AmbearRN

    AmbearRN Well-Known Member

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    My husband is the same way, he puts very little effort... So girl we are not alone. Especially when I tell him about how important it is to bd at a certain day of the cycle. My grandmother told me she saw a documentary once where the guys said they hated the used feeling they got from constantly trying for a baby. Us as women run out of options to turn them on, and although they want a child they do feel that it should just happen. Just know you're not alone!!!!
     
  6. jogger123

    jogger123 1 DD TTC #2

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    Poor you! I know how it feels. I have decided that it is all men, not just my man. They dont have the primal instict that we do. We are the baby growers and they are the hunter/gatherers. I am trying to be patient with my man so i am doing a lot of online moaning to try and take some of my moaning away from him!! :thumbup:
     
  7. AllMacsNow

    AllMacsNow Surprise! Preggo!

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    Was it you who mentioned being a pastor's wife, and feeling like a failure to him in another thread? I think I'm remembering that right...

    I wonder if he's got those same feelings, but is unwilling/able to bring them up to you? So many of our guys, I think, take it almost as an insult if they don't get us preggers in the first few months of trying, and it's easier for them to tune it out than to really put them into words, because if they try to talk to *you* about them, then they have to think about it themselves, and that's hard. Really hard.

    He cares, I promise. Maybe he just doesn't know how to show you?

    :hug:
     
  8. carisasanders

    carisasanders Well-Known Member

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    Thanks it seems like he is so scatter brained, he doesnt have the same priorities, he says hes gung ho but if i say its time to have sex or something or even get all dressed up for him so he will get the hint he still just DOESNT get it and i am so short of going insane right now. I dont know what to do. I dont know how much longer i can even do this I feel so defeated.
     
  9. Grumblebea

    Grumblebea Well-Known Member

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    Because men SUCK sometimes!
     
  10. Tishimouse

    Tishimouse Fairy Godmother - really!

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    I can understand exactly where you are coming from. I had the same only my husband already has two boys from a previous marriage (they are 13 and 16 yrs now). He wanted to let it happen but I was 45 when I married him and time was of the essence. I did all the research, bought a fertility monitor and test sticks for every occasion, temped for God knows how long (best part of 2 years+) and tracked everything on Fertility Friend.

    I got so stressed with him not taking any interest in what I was doing (or at least that's how it seemed to me). One of my friends advised me to try not to obsess that my marriage could suffer as a result, so I literally gave up. I said I called it a day because of my age and that was the primary factor, but the secondary factors were huge. I just started to really dislike his attitude and lack of support. When I told him that I thought we shouldn't try any more as nothing was happening, he just accepted it. He didn't even give me a hug the way I thought he might. He has never discussed it with me, although I have tried to talk to him openly about it and now I have just accepted that he didn't understand and will never understand how I have been affected.

    He really is totally different to me. Part of me will always believe that because he has his boys, it is not the end of the World for him, even though he says this is not the case. I am 49 now and we won't have children together now. I feel most of the time that I have coped with it and learned to accept that nature takes it's course and I must accept the things I can't change. But a tiny part of me will always blame him for now trying harder. There were more months of missed opportunity thanks to him than months of strong possibility.

    Men are strange creatures indeed.

    Take some solice in the fact you are young (no doubt much younger than me) and that it might take you a lot longer than if you charted, temped and monitored each month, but if you have a good few years left to try, then try not to fret, try to learn to accept defeat some months and somewhere along the line you will get your wish to become a mother.

    Wishing you good health, happiness, peace of mind (and lots of man-tolerance-patience) and a big fat bump in the not too distant future.

    :hug:
     
  11. carisasanders

    carisasanders Well-Known Member

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    Thank you Mrs. Tish and God Bless you. I am 34 and feel like time is just ticking away. Im so emotional right now and during these times im even more so emotional. I just pray for God to help him to understand here i am coming from. None of us have any kids he is much older than I am we married at 18 and he already had 1 wife in his past and 3 girlfriends who all had abortions which mortified me when i found out. He said its a horrible part of his past as they gave him no say so. I would think he would jump at this chance but it seems to be the opposite he is in his own little world and im struggling somwhere to fit into it right now. Thanks for your love and the time you took to reply. God Bless you for your courage and strength.
     
  12. AllisonH

    AllisonH Well-Known Member

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    HA!! That is so funny b/c just the other day my husband said, "Stop trying to plan everything out all the time...it'll happen when it happens." I guess he doesn't realize that having sex "whenever' doesn't quite cut it. So I just told him, "Whatever, just make sure that you have sex with me when I say so, okay?!" He's got a NTNP sort of attitude, and I've got a psycho TTC kindof attitude. That's just how women are...and men are just men!!
     
  13. prepping

    prepping Well-Known Member

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    I can't speak on your certain situation, but I can agree with the others in that men have a much different approach to TTC. Our journey starts from conception whereas men still have 9 months for it to sink in before they get to start the journey.

    It sounds like there's more to your situation. So maybe a starting place is a good talk to get everything on the table and see where you can go from there. Good luck hun. Wishing you the best.
     
  14. rdy4number2

    rdy4number2 Well-Known Member

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    Hey Carisa,

    I know how you feel. I try to talk about it and all I hear is "ugh huh" or he changes the subject. As women we sleep and breath it b/c it's our bodies. I don't know about you, but as the woman I feel a lot more responsible for if the baby happens or not. I think that is why it's so much harder for us. Hope it gets better for you!

    rdy
     
  15. carisasanders

    carisasanders Well-Known Member

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    thanks ladies i do feel ALLOT better now i get anxiety around ovulation and we did it tonight thank GOD so im happy, now we have tomorrow and wed to go heres hopiung he lives through it :/
     
  16. Tishimouse

    Tishimouse Fairy Godmother - really!

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    Hi again, It took me ages to re-find this post as I forgot the title but I've found it again. I read your reply after I had posted and realise that there is more to your situation than meets the eye. Your husband has some previous sadness surrounding babies and family life that perhaps he hasn't quite dealt with. I am not saying he should deal with them in any particular fashion as we are all individuals who have very different coping mechanisms. It looks on the face of it as if his natural strategy is to not think about things and hope they will go away. I personally wouldn't bring them up in conversation but would continue on your TTC journey in your own way, sharing your hopes and frustrations here with your cyber buddies. We will probably make a lot more sense than him anyway (sorry, I'm just saying that because men think differently).

    You know I think as soon as your wish comes true and you see that positive HPT, his wonderful happy, loving side without the hidden stresses will show and you can both enjoy your pregnancy together. He is most likely longing just as much, if not more than you are to have a little one, but just doesn't know how to manage his feelings about it. Just a thought, but if in his past, his partners have taken choices and control away from him, he will likely be ultra sensitive to being controlled or having the control taken away from him. No harm in trying to include him in the science behind conception on a light scale or asking him what he thinks about certain things - keep it light though so he doesn't feel cornered.

    Men! Don't you just love 'em? :kiss:
     
  17. x0xbaybeeemz

    x0xbaybeeemz LTTTC #1

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    My OH is the same aswel, he really wants a baby with me but he doesnt seem as botherd as i am but i am obsessed about it and its the only thing i can think of :haha:
     
  18. TiggerToo

    TiggerToo Well-Known Member

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    My DH is the smartest person I know, well educated, and very successful.

    I think it drove him a bit mad until I lost my patience with him and told him, "You do realize I only have about 48 hours every month when I can become pregnant, right?"

    He looked at me with this LOOK and said, "REALLY? I had no idea that was how it worked. You're the expert - explain it to me." He was serious. So I explained it - the whole cycle - practically day by day. He got really involved with it - he loves details and knowing how things work - I even told him how HE works (he barely knew the basics).

    He even asked me why I'm doing certain things (no caffeine and why, vitamins - what they're for, his and mine).

    So he gives me a lot less grief now. But I got lucky. The only thing he tells me is when I talk about how other people's pregnancies bother me or whatever - I get a lot of "don't worry" and "it'll happen" so I still get the man lines, but he does try.

    Just had to brag on him a bit!
     
  19. Aliciatm

    Aliciatm Trying but not overdoing

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    my husband just stays out of it.. i think he has given up... and just says when it happens it happens if it dont oh well.
     
  20. TiggerToo

    TiggerToo Well-Known Member

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    :hugs::hugs::hugs:
     

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