WTT and Worried

[bump.on.brain]

So my DH and I have recently set a TTC date of August 2017... after years of saying we wouldn't have any more children (we currently have a 4 year old DD).

I always worried that I might regret it if I didn't have more children as I do have broody periods and always imagined having a bigger family, but having DD was so much harder than I ever imagined!
We have limited family support, both work full time with no possibility of that changing, and DD was a poorly and demanding child. It really took it's toll on DH and I and on our relationship - there was a time I wasn't convinced we would even be together at this point.

Although we are stronger again now I can't help but wonder if throwing ourselves back under that emotional/financial pressure is a sensible idea. If I say I really don't want any more children, I think DH would accept it, but especially as it would be my decision alone I'm really scared I'll regret it. But I want to put our existing family first and am scared of the upheaval if we do have another one...

Please help!

 

[Needabun]

Hey bump.on.brain. Tough situation you're in. However, I see that you continuously use the word regret when you talk of not having this 2nd child. Do you feel that you will have some deep sense of (i wont call it regret) feeling like you may have made the wrong decision if you do concieve again?

 

[bump.on.brain]

Hi Needabun,

Thanks for your reply! You're absolutely right that I do worry about regretting it if I don't have another and I suspect I will always wonder what could have been and perhaps think about the child I could have had. Which makes me think I should go for it, especially now that's what my husband is thinking too.

I don't think I would ever regret having another child... I think I just worry that if my marriage couldn't cope with the pressure a second time round then having a second child would have split the family up and that's not fair on my DD who is already here. DH and I are a solid couple again now and would have to be at the TTC date to be a sensible idea, but we were solid last time at the beginning and still found it insanely hard so I definitely worry. I suppose I could wonder what if either way...

 

[arturia]

You do use the word 'regret' a lot as pp said, so that's something to bear in mind as you decide.

There would be no shame in deciding you'd like to be 'one and done'. Your DD wouldn't be damaged by having no siblings. You don't have to risk your marriage to meet some arbitrary idea of the 'perfect' family. I know you haven't mentioned such thoughts, but they are tied up into parenting culture, so it's likely enough that they are part of the source of your regret, even if only subconsciously.

If you DO decide to have a second, you can bear some thoughts in mind: There's no guarantee your second child would be anywhere near as difficult to raise as #1. You may find it easier or harder, but odds are good easier: you're prepared for at least some of the challenges now. As well, your dh and you may not clash about the same topics with respect to your experiences. Speaking of that...

You and your dh should discuss the challenges presented by DD1 and detail how you handled them, what you both did wrong, and how you may do better next time. You should speak to families who have recently had their #2 and get an idea on the specific challenges from a parenting perspective presented by 2 that aren't presented by 1. Internet research can help too if your Google-fu is good.

If you can answer these questions sufficiently, it'll probably help decide if 2 will be a challenge your marriage can handle.

Perhaps also, importantly, if you take the marriage out of the decision entirely, do you still want a second?

 

[Needabun]

Tough times never last forever. As you said before, your relationship with your DH was strained with you DD and now you guys are back strong again, if you got thru it the first time i believe you guys can get thru it again. Also, you have a whole year to prepare and if you guys feel like you need an extra year you can always add on another year to WTT. There are so many ways to play this the right way and still get what you both know you want (baby #2) and still keep the family together with as less stress as possible. Just remember the TTC date is under your control, but either way I think you guys should go for it. And every child is different. Good luck to you and your family!!

 

[Kelskiii]

The thing with having your first child you are going into parenthood blind .. The second time round you will have learnt from some of your decisions previously made with your daughter. Me & my oh have certainly had more "arguments" since having DD. We are a lot stronger now she is 3 than we were in her first year.

If your main reason for not having another child is due to how your first experience of motherhood was ... no two children are the same & you will have grown & learnt a lot over the past 4 years.

Go with your heart x

 

[Needabun]

Great advice Kelskiii!

 

[bump.on.brain]

Thank you all so much for your fabulous advice!

I do think being "one and done" would always be a hard thing for me to totally make my peace with, not necessarily because of pressure from other people but moreso because I always (prior to having DD) imagined and wanted multiple children. It was only the reality of how difficult pregnancy and parenthood is, especially while trying to juggle careers, that started to change my mind. It's hard to remove that image, but I do always want to be realistic about what I can and can't actually cope with!

A lot of people I know who have had second children have said that it is much easier to be laid back as you know what you are doing the second time round... but equally it seems to me that it could also be harder given that you have 2 people to get out of the door/2 meals to make etc...?

My main reason for not having another child would is definitely my first experience with DD... if another DC was as difficult and my DH and I reacted the same way to that situation - I really don't want to be in that position. But I do agree too that we have learnt a lot and I know I certainly wouldn't react the same way to everything!

I will definitely, definitely have the conversation with DH about how we can make sure we will handle things differently, find a way to get some extra support etc and if those conversations go well I think I would actually be quite excited about the thought of No 2. Still scared about my own ability to cope... but excited!

Thank you all again

 

[Needabun]

Goodluck to the both of you!!

 

[lilmisscaviar]

Hi bumponbrain, I just wanted to share with you my story. I was the opposite in that my first child was very easy but my second was... and still is sometimes... a very needy child. You really couldn't have completely opposite children than them. We teetered on having a third child for a while. We kept asking ourselves "what if the third was as bad as our second?" It took a toll on our marriage because we never had any alone time as a couple. We only have one person willing to babysit for us and she eventually stopped watching our second because he was so bad. He would always get into everything and whine every time he wouldn't get his way... which was a lot. He didn't sleep through the night until he was 18 months old (my first started sleeping through at 3 months) and is still always the first one up in the mornings. When I found out I was pregnant again, that thought stayed in my mind the entire time. I am happy to say that our third baby ended up being another easy going child. Honestly every baby is different. You could have a baby whose personality is the complete opposite of your first. DH now wants a fourth child to complete our big family. He wants to sway for a boy but honestly I'm so afraid that it'll end up like his brother that I'm still on the fence for a fourth. I just wanted to share my story with you and wish you good luck!

 

[bump.on.brain]

Hi lilmiscaviar, and thank you for sharing your story!

Your experience with DC No 2 sounds very much like ours with DD - DD still doesn't sleep through every night even now (without wanting attention for something) and alone time as a couple was literally maybe one evening in 6 months on average and even now DD doesn't have any sleepovers. It's reassuring to know we're not the only ones who struggle under circumstances like this!

I'm sure you're right that having such a "high maintenance" child a second time isn't a certainty, although I suppose sometimes I wonder if some of my own anxiety and struggling rubbed off on DD and made the whole situation worse. I suppose in my head I just want to be as sure as I can that we could cope if it did happen again, just incase!

Do you have a TTC date for number 4 now? Wishing you lots of luck!