WTT - Wanting to try

[manofwant]

Afternoon all, men and women (not sure how many men are here, but there ya go)..

Anyways, I'll get straight into my essay.

I'm a farther of 1 little angel who is now 5. My (now wife) partner were together all of about two months when we found out she was pregnant all those years ago.

Originally, as a 22 year old I didn't want a baby in my life, but sucked it up like a man I should be and accepted the change and now I wouldn't change anything for the world. At the time it was hard for me to accept the change and I cant remember the exact thoughts from then but I remember they weren't all good, I wasn't proud of myself for not wanting 'the baby' but I'm soo proud of myself of where I am today. A beautiful wife and gorgeous little girl I love dearly.

So, when she was born, we had all the inevitable 'so when you having another one' from all corners. I was open to having another baby at the time but just wasn't sure when. The 'when's the next one due' talk from what felt like the world at the time put me off quite a bit and I started to feel a little closed in.

We were living in a 1 bedroom flat that was so small, we had swapped the living room with the bedroom just to give us some living space. We were then given a spacious 2 bedroom flat which we have made the most out of and space isn't an issue now with the 3 of us.

I've always envisioned us buying a house, a home (or starting to save at least, ha) which we'd love, instead of living in a poxy flat.

With the questions of when are we trying for another from the Wife and from other people this has put me off in recent years. Enough for me to turn around 6 months ago and say that I just didn't want another one. I wanted to focus on getting a house and giving our angel the things I couldn't have when I was a kid (I'm from quite a big family).

I broke her heart at the time and still do feel very guilty about it, but it was how I was feeling at the time. She'd cry about it at work, with her mum etc etc.

I love my wife and I know how much she wants another child (VERY MUCH, she did miscarry twice with her previous partner, think this contributes to her wants soo much) but with my mind set and being put off it, I've closed myself out from the idea and wanted to focus on getting a home. I think with what felt like being forced into having one, I don't have 'good' memories from the announcement of her pregnancy upto her birth (after then I changed and became a dad and love her very much).

The topic came about again on Monday night and I said that I we would have another child, but I'm just not sure when. I want my daughter to have a brother or sister and I want my wife to be as happy as I know it will make her, very happy, like all her dreams have come true..

I said we should focus on clearing our debts (only couple of thousand), get some money behind us and get her past her test, just to make things easier (I know it will never be easy, but just easier).

I've been reading day and night about the topic 'I want another baby but my husband doesn't' trying to get my head around a womans feelings on the subject so I can truly understand how my wife feels.

Anyways, guess you've done enough reading.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want my wife to be happy and my daughter to have a brother or sister, but at this moment in time I'm finding it hard to want. How do I find it easier to want ??

That may all sound jumbled up etc, apologies about that. Just the way it came out.

 

[xsophiexleax]

Hiiii welcome to BnB
I don't think you can MAKE yourself want another child, it's just something that comes naturally. Particularly to us cos we have crazy maternal instincts & hormones
I just think something that might help is remembering back to when your little girl was a baby & how lovely it would be to have that again. Plus the bonding experience you'll have with your wife, through making the baby & being parents all over again.
Good luck with TTC whenever it may be, just relax & go with the flow sorry I couldn't offer something more constructive haha x

 

[manofwant]

Thanks for the welcome Sophie

That's good advice, thank you very much.

I am trying to think about when the little one was a baby, and I have great memories from then, certainly helps. She is growing up soo fast.

I don't think I have helped myself with putting up walls, but I'm sure I can knock them down.

I'm just feeling a bit down about it that's all, trying to think positive.

 

[xsophiexleax]

Trying to pressure yourself into wanting one isn't gonna help really, like I said just go with the flow, take time out to have a good think about things & don't make any rash decisions until you're definitely sure of what you want x

 

[Pyrrhic]

Men are very pragmatic creatures. You look at something like having another baby and think 'I need a big house, we need a bigger car, etc'. It's a good thing, because a lot of women are not pragmatic when it comes to things of a high emotional level.

You have to ask yourself though, will the time ever be right? First you buy the house, pay off the debts, she passes her test....then you might want to wait for a promotion, get a holiday over with, get next Christmas over with, get a new car, etc etc. You will always find something, and the time will never be perfect. You just have to spend some time and ask yourself if you want to have another baby in 10 months. Remember everything in your life will move on by 10 months. Your first child will be older, you will have had time to pay the debts back, your OH can sit her test when PG, etc etc.

You are the only person who can answer if you are ready or not.

From a woman's POV, I just keep thinking about getting that positive pregnancy test and sharing it with my husband, going to scans, picking names, decorating a nursery, and having all those 'firsts' again. It's such an exciting journey and one she wants to share with you, and only you.

Good luck with the decision.

 

[manofwant]

Thanks Raf,

'You have to ask yourself though, will the time ever be right'

This is why I think I'm coming around to the idea. I was thinking, if I feel stressed about it now, then how will I feel when I've got a proper mortgage to manage (we rent from housing association ATM) when we have that dream house we want etc.

I just think getting rid of the loan we have, various catalogues, outstanding bills etc will make it much easier.

As stated before, I found it hard the first time and I wasn't all joyious when she did the test, looking for prams, scans etc. This time I want the excitement and want to feel a part of it, want to plan it and want to be over the moon when she does that test. I'm a little excited talking about it so that's a good sign.

I've trying to stop closing myself in and talking to other people about it, mainly my wife.

 

[Jolene]

I think it's good that you're putting so much thought into it and I'm sure your wife would really appreciate it. Hubby and I decided to wait until we were 'financially ready' this time to TTC #2 since #1 was a suprise. Well 9 years later we're still not 'financially ready' to the point where we'd like to be and my son is now 9 years old. I regret not having #2 then so that my children could grow up together, but you need to do what's right for you and your family. Good Luck with whatever decision you make!

 

[nadupoi]

It's good to hear it from a man's point of view! Thank you for that.

And as the other ladies have said... Timing will never be perfect. It's something you and your wife need to discuss and decide together. Maybe come to a compromise about what you both want before TTC; what you want for your family, your selves, and for the future.

 

[manofwant]

Thanks Jolene and Nadupoi,

It has been a bit tense at home at the moment, after our 'proper sit down talk' on Monday night (that's when I made my revelation that I would like another one, despite saying otherwise 6 month's ago).

But we did have another chat on the Tuesday, to the same effect just to re-assure her. Until last night it was still a bit tense, but we have cleared the air now and think we can at least talk about it properly.