You ladies have any advice/support for an icky day?

[kam78]

Hi Girls ...

Yep, guess it's my turn... I am feeling overwhelmed today ..
I almost feel weird or guilty for being dumpy on y'all today tho...

Alright, just a few things.... First, I realize I am depressed... I know I am but I don't know what else to do... I have tried a few different therapists & counselors... They didn't help, gave me medications to try and do NOT like that approach, yes they helped but I don't wanna just put a band-aid on it, I want it fixed and like now...

Another issue I notice I am having and I know it all ties into being depressed but just wondered if you girls feel the same or felt this way.... I have completely pushed everyone out of my life, everyone but Bill and my kids... I don't wanna see any of my extended family or none of my friends anymore.. Of course, when someone just finally shows up, I put on a smile and do pretty good but man, it's HARD! I don't have the energy or the "want to" to deal with everyone and their issues or drama, I am always their listener, their fixer, their Kelly... I can't do it anymore... I don't want to.. They are always after me trying to get me out of the house, even if for dinner, or them come over for a quick visit... I don't wanna... Am I alone on this one?? If you used to do this of feel like this, How do you make this stop??? I have lost so many good friends over this, they ran out of patience I guess...

I do have a few friends that have persistantly stuck it out and wait for me to poke my head out occationally and it's very rare.... but even them at times I can't take ... I feel horrible for feeling this way... hate it... I feel more guilty for doing this to them but I just can't take it, when I first lost Emma I tried like heck to act the same, for their sakes, but I can't anymore....

I have a friend that was pretty pushy at first but thank god she has relaxed a bit BUT she was telling me a story about how she knows another person how recently lost her baby too so we was talking about that and my heart immediately went out for THAT mother and I told her about THIS SITE and told my friend to give this website to her other friend... Well.... She called me the other night and said she, herself, went to the website to check it out and said she found me!!! I didn't know how to take that... I kind of felt icky about it, like invaded on... So, now everytime I log in or start to type something I wonder who all in my RL looks me up on here to see how I'm really doing... Cuz here I can be ME.... In my RL I never talk to anyone anymore, not even Bill... I just act like I'm doing great..... So, anyways, back to my friend that found me here... I don't know if I should say something to her or not... I don't like the idea of her logging in just to be nosy or to read my feelings just so she knows how I'm doing... I kind of feel if I want her to know I'd tell her... I dont' know... I love her to death just don't know how I feel about that either .... Wish I could change me username and stay semi hidden...
I dunno ladies.... Someone once said to me that the only people that I will allow in my life is someone who has lost their baby.... Well, yea, I think she nailed it right on the head... I don't have to be who they want me to be, I can just be me and they are fine with it , is what I told her...

{TMI} I am fixing to have my wonderful monthly visit, my period, so maybe this is where all this is coming from now, I don't know... Maybe it's I'm dying cuz the cemetery is giving me crap... I dunno... I feel like everyone in my RL is pulling at me to be in 100 different directions and to be there for THEM but UGHhhh.... I just don't know ...

Thanks so much friends ....

 

[mhazzab]

hiya...I'm just about to head out just now to go and visit my dad in hospital...will write you a proper reply when I get home...but just wanted to send you hugs right now to keep you going until someone else replies...will speak to you later xxx

 

[overandout]

kam78 hi their didnt wanna read and run just thought to myself i remember wen i felt like that after i lost my little boy @22wks,i almost became agoraphobic i rarely left the home, and all the well wishers so i know how u feel... take time out for yourself its ok to feel down sometimes do things which make u feel better, the road ahead may seem rough but one day not in the too distance u will look back and be proud of all u achieved, its ok to say no.... go have relaxing bath or a long walk whatever u choose giv urself me time think positive take care overandout.

 

[Hellylou]

Hi Kelly, big BIG hugs your way

As you know, it was my turn the other day, and today is a better one, but I do know a lot about depression. I suffered very badly with it years ago when a few major life events coincided, and I spiralled downwards very fast. I couldn't face the simplest of tasks. I ended up on prozac, which did help me at least see over the edge of the pit I was in, but I don't think I would want to go down that route ever again, or recommend it to anyone else. I just wasn't myself for the 18 months I was on it. I felt like a zombie.

I came off it myself, and decided to fix my life a bit better, and did a reiki course. I have reiki level 2 which means I can do it on others and myself. I really enjoyed learning it, and I have found it a huge comfort to me in dark times. That said, I still get my incredibly funky days, as you have seen! Still, I don't know if reiki appeals, or if you know much about it. I know it's a very personal thing. And, I also took up dancing. It has been such a life saver for me - ceroc/modern jive dancing.

When my life turned upside down again 4 weeks ago I think everyone saw the potential depression on its way, including me. The doctor in the hospital said she was going to write to my GP to warn her to watch for signs of 'reactive depression' after seeing how distraught I was in the hospital. Of course, no one has followed that up, but I can at least recognize the signs in me this time around. I know when I feel myself spiralling, and my husband and family can see those signs too now, so they know how to deal with it. I think knowing yourself and forgiving yourself those feelings is useful.

As for the avoiding friends part...I don't know. I tend to be pretty on and off with people anyway. I've always liked time alone, and I pick and choose when I feel like being sociable. I can be the life and soul of the party, or avoid company completely. I haven't told anyone about this site, because I never wanted to be found here either.

Friends should be there for you when you need them, not pressuring you, and if they are good friends, they will still be there for you when you are ready to spend time with them again, no questions asked. This is a major life changing event here, and it changes you. It might take a while for you to see who the new you is, but you'll find yourself eventually, and will be stronger for it.

 

[kam78]

Thank you so very much Hellylou... Thank you for your insight of depression... That has helped me a lot....

I don't feel "really" low, like I have never had suicidal thoughts or anything like that... i just wanna be alone .. : (

I just wish my friends and family would understand just THAT part and let me be... If and when "I" feel better, then I'll come out of hiding....

I don't tell others the details about this site ever either for that exact same reason...BUT me being a dumby, felt horrible for this other mother and wanted to help her in some way, and I know how much this site helps me so I offered... never imagined would she log in! : ( ... Big regret..... Kind of feel like "MY" soft place to fall has been ripped away....invaded ... Just wish she wouldn't have done that ...

Hellylou, I am soooo glad to see you are better today... : )) Makes me feel better actually ... Thanks again for your love and support and for taking the time to read my rantings ; ))

Xoxo ~ I already for better ....: )

 

[SarahJane]

Not R & Ring - just about to go out - will reply later hun but in the meantime, I just wanna say love ya lots xxxx

 

[mhazzab]

ok, now I'm back I can reply properly.

what you said about not feeling like being around other people - I totally get that too. I've never really been the most sociable person, but these days, even less so. On the few times I have gone out, I find myself just switching off, I can't be bothered listening to other people talking about their every day lives...it seems so...inconsequential. I just sit there thinking, I lost my babies, and all you can talk about is blah blah blah...! It sounds terrible, I know, I think I just have less patience for other people than I used to. I've always disliked people turning up at my house without warning, but it seems people do it a lot now 'just to check in on me' and I hate it! I know they think they are trying to do me a favour, and they do mean well....

As for your friend logging into this site...I completely understand how you feel about this. It's something that has bothered me before too. I'm quite a private person, and am usually very careful about what I put online. However, my need to be surrounded by others in the same position has led me to be more open on this site than I would normally be anywhere else. Often, I have wondered whether anyone I know could be reading this. I know they probably could be, but I tell myself they wont be? To have it confirmed, I think, would make me feel a little violated, particularly if it was by someone who hasn't suffered a loss? So I completely agree with what you are saying. Although, I'm sure your friend didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. Anyway, if you ever want to talk privately, I'm happy to receive PM's on here or give you my email address.

I also just wanted to say, a few weeks ago, you put up a message about Calvin's Hats? This and a reply from someone else in the UK led me to an organisation which supplies knitted things for little angels to hospitals around the UK. I've started knitting and have enlisted several friends, and we are all doing our little bit to help them supply the hospitals with what they need. I'm telling you this, because, without your post, I probably never would have considered doing this. I just wanted to say thank you for leading me down this path (even if you didn't mean to, lol), you may feel a little upset that a friend of yours has read your posts, but what you put on here does matter, to a lot of people, please dont stop xxxx

 

[Nikki_d72]

Hi Kam, I just wanted to say that you are definately not alone in your wanting to avoid social situations - I can't be bothered with other people's trivial dramas either, I've no patience either for it and large groups especially seem to really freak me out. I've had to force myself to some things for my wee girl (like school athletics etc) and it's really hard - I mostly just stand apart from everyone and look like an anti-social wierdo. I met another poor lady that lost her baby at full term, while birthing him, just a few weeks ago, at my DD athletics the other day and I was talking to her. I asked her how she found things like this and she said the same, they freaked her out and she would avoid them if she could. So you are definately not alone. My BIL was meant to be coming this weekend and he's split from his wife about a year ago and is full of drama always. I was dreading it. He cried off and I was so releived. I feel nasty saying that but it's true. His loss of his marriage was pretty much his own fault, and though I was there for him at the time, I've no patience for his crap now, in fact it makes me angry. Anyway, just to let you know you're not alone in being unsociable.

I'm with you on the drugs for depression thing, too. I know quite a few people who have said they just make you not care about anything, so just take the edge off but not work through the problem, so sort of store it up for later. They can be useful if you are in a really bad way and the mind needs to be dulled a little to heal but I would have thought that something that helps you work through your feelings and understand them would be better. Is there anything else available to you? I've not been to counselling or anything yet so can't comment on that but I would think any group of women who have suffered a loss would be great to go to.

As for the RL friend logging in, I hear you on that - I would hate that. She probably is worried about you though and as you don't say much in RL to her she maybe thought this would give her more empathy for you, but I don't think she should have without asking you. I doubt she thought about it as snooping on you as it is a public space. I think it's easy to forget that it is public but we have some anonymity here, unless someone from RL comes accross you. I know my Mum went on a few forums to try to find out how to help me when this happened and I've often wondered if she's ever come accross me on here - I hope not as it would probably break her heart even more, I sheild her from the truth a bit as she's not here with me, she's on the other side of the world.
Hopefully your friend will have read this and will now back off the forum.

I would also say that coming up to AF this time seemed to bring me down a LOT, so it may be a factor, not sure if it's purely hormonal or partly emotional. I'm bloody angry at my body as it's snapped straight back to regular cycles but it couldn't keep my babies safe, so it makes me worse when it's due/here but the hormones play a part too, I suppose.

Anyway, the ladied above have said everything I was going to, though more eloquently than I (this loss seems to have mademe really vaccuous and stupid!!), so I'll stop rambling but I just wanted to make sure you knoew what you are feeling seems to be normal for us.

Hope you feel a wee bit better soon honey and please don't bale out of here xxx

 

[kam78]

You girls are absolutely amazing ...

I feel so much better knowing that my "hiding" is an average reaction... I was starting to feel coo coo ..

Just wish I would wake up from this nightmare ... I think from time to time this is just a dream or a bad joke .. Never would I ever have imagined being here...

I do wish I never gave this website to my friend... I didn"t ever think she would log in herself to check this forum out.... I don't know about you but it kind of irks me when people pass thru that hasn't ever experienced a loss before... I know I shouldn't feel that way, but honesty time.. It does... I never snoop thru other forum rooms but I guess everyone's different... It's actually quite funny I forget how public this really is... I log in, race to 2nd Trimester Losses and BAM, I'm home♥ ....

Wow, That completely blesses me to know my odd rambling about an organization helped and inspired another ... After I stumbled acrossed Calvin's Hats I became obsessed with wanting to learn how to knit, I still would love to learn... I have this overwhelming feeling of helping, I wanna do something ... wanna raise awareness of all of our babies... I always say.... "Forever Loved, Never Forgotten" ...

You girls are truly an inspiration and my sanity check ..