13 month old gets hit/picked on by other kids

[WantsALittle1]

It's true, needhope. It sounds like it would have been different if she were hanging out with your little man! Unfortunately she was hanging out with kiddos who's parents were correcting the hitting every now and then, but were letting much of it go uncorrected which, I think, sends a mixed message to their own child.

And I was in this awkward position where I was trying to correct these other mothers' kids. Frankly if the kid were hitting AJ but the parent were catching it and giving them consequences, I really wouldn't have a problem with it. Their kid would see that it's not okay and AJ would see too, and that would make me feel better about it. I just have a hard time letting her be around kids whose hitting and other discourteous behavior is being excused because they are 'just a toddler.'

I hope that makes sense!

 

[alaskagrown]

Sorry, I agree with others that kids hitting and taking is totally normal. And your daughter still has PLENTY of time to become a grabber Even the kids with the most involved and mindful parents are sometimes hitters/grabbers/pokers/biters. It doesn't make the behavior OKAY by any means, but the child just needs a reminder to be gentle and show love/kindness.

And in regards to you swearing to homeschool your daughter to avoid the possibility that she will get bullied and tormented is not solving any problems - it's just running from them. It's our job as parents to model to our children positive self esteem, confidence, and to be able to stand up for one's self. People can say whatever they want to you, but it's up to YOU to accept and internalize it or brush it off. I agree with a previous poster that your projecting your childhood too much on your daughter.

 

[needhope]

Makes lots of sense i would personally never ignore my son hitting or being too physical. While he doesnt mean it maliciously or to cause harm he does need to be shown to be gentle with other children and over time im sure he will learn this. He plays very nicely most of the time and i try to really praise this to reinforce the message.

You do what you think is best for your daughter. You know her better than anyone and what is best for her and its ultimately your decision . Our parenting must all be shaped in some ways by our past experiences, thats unavoidable really. The vast majority of parents are just trying to do their best. Maybe the parents who seemed to ignore the hitting were just trying not to give too much reaction to the behaviour. Xx

 

[Saphira]

At 13 months my daughter wasn't possessive with toys either. This 'mine' phase comes with age. For months she'd share all her toys with her little sister and make sure she had enough and more to play with. This came to a halt in the past couple of months so around 19 months of age I'd estimate. She started ripping toys out of her sister's hands, something she'd never done before, and didn't hand her any very often. To this day she's unsure about F playing with 'her' toys. I've tried taking the more direct approach saying 'no!' a few times but I stopped this reaction because it ended up in a meltdown. She was shattered. She only wants to please and feels horrible when she feels she's done something wrong. Toddlers just don't understand the concept of sharing quite yet. That comes with time and experiences in their lives. I stick with calm approaches and try not to focus too much on what had happened. She's becoming less possessive I'm noticing because I'm calmly explaining F was playing with that, blah and just not making a huge deal out of it. Wouldn't want her to continue only to get a reaction out of me, something they also enjoy doing. That's my experience with it so far. Although I understand it is certainly difficult to watch your lo feeling confused about other toddlers' behaviors. I'd be sad too! It's very normal though and she'll most likely go through the mine phase too.

 

[WantsALittle1]

I just can't say that I see the projecting.

I appreciate what you're saying, but I may be doing a poor job getting across what I'm saying. We have worked very hard to teach our daughter how to communicate with gestures and words, and she uses both. We have had her around older kids, younger kids, and kids her age. Kids her age up to about 18 months hit her and snatch toys from her. It has happened every time with exception of the one baby who has been friends with AJ since the NICU.

That means that my baby and this other baby are exceptions to the rule that kids this age hit. I would like my daughter to be around other cohorts who do not hit, and for obvious reasons (because hitting is 'normal' at this age), such cohorts are hard for us to find.

I see now that I shouldn't have made this post because most 13-18 month olds hit, so my daughter is the abnormal one, not the kids who hit.

Edit: If our daughter told us she wanted to go to school, we wouldn't keep her at home. I think I didn't explain the homeschooling thing well enough. What I intended to say is that if she were being bullied at school and could not resolve the issue, and wanted to be pulled out, we would pull her out to spare her going through what we had to go through. Right now our intention is for her to go to school.

 

[Larkspur]

I see now that I shouldn't have made this post because most 13-14 month olds hit, so my daughter is the abnormal one, not the kids who hit.

You know, I think maybe you just need to relax a little and not see this as your child being 'bullied' or 'picked on' by tiny little kids who really don't have the emotional cognition to do that. That's where I think the projection is coming in.

I mean, I don't know how stern you're being with your daughter (you say you don't skimp on sternness despite her age) or what kind of consequences you think are appropriate for misbehaviour but... phew, I don't really know how to put this ... I seriously doubt that she grasps on an empathetic level the concept of 'not hitting because it hurts' or 'sharing is kind'. I mean, all the words you've used to describe your baby (cheeky, free-spirited, independent, etc, etc) can be used for any kid her age, really, I don't think she is that different to most kids.

If she doesn't hit, it's not because she's empathetic or has learned that it's wrong. She may just be timid, and perhaps a strongly authoritarian approach to behaviour is extremely effective for timid children. I know my little guy is a wonderful child but I can tell him six dozen times not to touch the dog bowl, gently or firmly, and remove it, or remove him, and he's still going to have another crack at it the next day. Hitting is just another behaviour that needs to be worked through for most kids. It's not going to harm her if you sit there and help her work through it. I'm not sure that avoiding all encounters with it is going to give her learning/coping skills.

 

[WantsALittle1]

PS. Saphira off topic, I was an EP'er too. Props to you girl, 4 months is amazing!

 

[Lemonflower]

WantsALittleOne - I understand what you are saying.

My 17 month old has a lovely nature and always seems the one getting hit and things snatched from him - it hurts as a parent.

I understand there is still time for him to become a grabber ect.. But me and other half teach him and correct him when he does wrong.

Someone mentioned in a post that doing this they'll become bullied/weak.. I do this as I want my son to know right from wrong and expect other parents to teach their children the same. It's parents who turn a blind eye to their children's behaviour that makes me mad - I don't "correct" other people's children - I just move my LO away.

 

[joeyjo]

People parent in many different ways. I disagree with many conventional parenting tools that does not mean I think that parents that use them are wrong or bad parents but it does make me uncomfortable with some friends/parents.

I would not use time out, I do not say no to my children unless it is an immediate danger i believe that it is overused i hate hearing my SIL talk to her daughter - no dont climb he stairs,mno dont open he cupboard etc etc.

If my kids were exploring the tv etc I go and I interact with them, I explain that it can damage it and I play with them, go explore the tree bark etc etc. I don't use no to kill their curiosity I just redirect their interests! They are much better around the home than most kids and have complete free reign.

I do not like to hear/see young children being put in time out and I do not like kids being forced to say sorry when they don't really understand what it means. I try not to shout or make a big deal of any negative behaviours.

My sons are very well behaved. If they snatch I explain that they have upset the other child and ask that it is returned. They know that if they want what somebody else is playing with then the best thing to do is to offer an alternative toy in exchange and they both do this readily as this is what we have modelled.

On the rare ocassionally they have hit we explain about gentle hands and that if they are really frustrated it is better to run away or throw a teddy bear.

Both boys like throwing esoecially when frustrtaed and we have soft toys and beanbags for this, if they throw other toys I explain that If they continue i need to remove the toy to prevent it from being broken or damaging other things.

DS2 was shouting at an older kid to protect a toy pram at toddler group today and I calmly explained that R wasn't going to take it just yet but that he would really like a go in a few minutes. DS took it on a mad dash round then took his doll out and gave it to R when I asked him o swap.

I prefer consequences when needed, which is rare, to be more relevant to the issues than just time out. Thus the consequence or throwing is that the toy is put In a safe place, the consequence if DS2 hits DS1 (rare) is that DS1 doesn't want to play with him anymore so I let DS1 go to play Lego upstairs and DS2 is lonely etc

 

[Larkspur]

Someone mentioned in a post that doing this they'll become bullied/weak.. I do this as I want my son to know right from wrong and expect other parents to teach their children the same. It's parents who turn a blind eye to their children's behaviour that makes me mad - I don't "correct" other people's children - I just move my LO away.

Sorry, but that's totally NOT what I said. Nowhere did I suggest turning a blind eye to confrontational behaviour. Some parents just see a difference between teaching compliance and teaching process.

 

[WantsALittle1]

True larkspur, I see what you mean. I never meant that what the 14-18 month olds were doing was bullying. I think I only used bullying when describing myself and DH, but I did use the wording picked on. I chose that wording because I will watch her go from laughing and smiling to having a hurt look on her face right after these kids hit her and take her toy. It looks like she feels something bad, and picked on was just the first thing that came to mind.

We really just see no benefit to her being around kids who hit her. That's really all it is, and it sucks that we can't find more kids her age who don't hit. Whether it's normal or not, we see no benefit to exposing her to it. You may be right about it being a good opportunity for her to develop coping skills, but right now we just aren't comfortable with it because she seems so confused by it. It'd be different if she had hit the kid back, or shouted, or something equally matched but instead she just sits there with a perplexed look on her face and then goes off on her own. Maybe that's her way of coping? We just don't want to run the risk of her like...gradually giving up on humanity! haha

And as for consequences, we just say "no, time out" and then pick her up and hold her in one place for about 5 seconds. She hates being picked up away from the thing she was doing and gives a little tantrum, so we're pretty sure the words "no, time out" are a deterrent. I know she doesn't possess empathy right now, and I know empathy has nothing to do with her not hitting. Hitting just isn't in her behavior vocabulary for some reason, and we frankly don't want it to be there. If it ever is, we'll address it then, but it's not there now even after being hit by lots of kids.

And oh my gosh can I sympathize with the dog bowl thing... You should see DD with the cat's tail. Yesterday the cat whapped her in the face after she yanked her tail, and DD still goes after the tail today!

 

[needhope]

Its a shame that you say there is no benefit in her being around children who hit her,as the odd hitting out impulse is such a tiny part of who those children are. I would hate it if someone didnt want to socialise with my lo because he is so much more than that one tiny behaviour. I do hope that you never find yourself in a situation where your lo displays a negative behaviour like this.

 

[WantsALittle1]

thank you lemonflower, it does hurt as a parent to see that! we do our best to teach our children that the word is a loving place, and they get used to being snuggled by us and laughing with us and I think they go out into the world expecting all people to be that way. it's sad that they have to learn gradually that not everyone loves them and wants to snuggle, etc. we do correct DD too, and we always start with an explanation: "we don't touch the cord, it could hurt us" "we don't grab kitty's tail. it hurts her and she might scratch" If she persists then we pick her up, move her away from the danger, and sit still with her for 5-10 seconds.

I think that's a great approach joeyjo. We do use no+time out for dangers such as the electric cord or cat above. Despite our best babyproofing efforts our cable modem is smack dab in the middle of the living room (DD has figured out how to get behind the toy box that blocks it) and the cat follows the baby around to get attention. Both are dangerous to her in our minds so they justify no+time out but I do agree with you that substituting no and time out for a helpful explanation is a bad idea. For non-dangerous things, we just explain and then divert attention to something else and are hoping that doing this over and over will cause her to lose interest.

 

[Zephram]

I really think you're giving your daughter too much credit for adult thought. Babies and young children are not tiny adults who see a situation the same way we do. She is going off on her own because kids that age play on their own - that is developmentally normal and isn't happening because she is perplexed by the other children's behaviour.

 

[WantsALittle1]

needhope I think there was a benefit with my cousin's daughter because the hitting wasn't happening all the time. There was a lot of good modeling and guidance from her daughter when the hitting wasn't happening.

With the playdates it was like... the entire interaction was the other kid taking toys from DD and hitting her, and eventually DD went off by herself. Then the other kid would seem happy. As soon as I'd bring her back around to the other kid, the hitting would start again, when DD was just sitting there playing with toys (even her own toys that we'd brought).

Is it something that would go away as DD became more familiar to the other kid?

 

[WantsALittle1]

zephram but she always zips right over to the other kid at the start of the playdate, to play in the mutual toy area, and stays there until she's been hit and had all the toys taken, at which point she goes off by herself. Her default is definitely not to go off by herself. She's definitely curious about the other kid and with her NICU buddy would always be around her, not by herself, because it was peaceful. I do think she's social, she just gets put off by the hitting and it's not worth her time to subject herself to it, IMO

 

[joeyjo]

With the playdates it was like... the entire interaction was the other kid taking toys from DD and hitting her, and eventually DD went off by herself. Then the other kid would seem happy. As soon as I'd bring her back around to the other kid, the hitting would start again, when DD was just sitting there playing with toys (even her own toys that we'd brought).

Is it something that would go away as DD became more familiar to the other kid?

I think there is benefit to the playdate even when they aren't interacting so if both kids are there playing separately - they see how other kids play etc and actually become aware of other littel people... They will gradually start to play more closely together as they get older. I would go but not worry about bringing them back together etc. or push them to play. It could also be worth doing some adult supervised/led play, if they are keen, so taking it in turns to put balls down a tube or similar.

 

[needhope]

Not sure really. When my lo has done it, is has generally only been a small part of the playdate and once distracted away from the source of frustration (e.g giving them both a seperate toy or new activity) it stopped. My lo isnt really a snatcher at the moment, he has more hit out of excitement or frustration when his toy is taken. At which point i would tell him we dont hit because it hurts and move him away if needs be.

Are there any groups you could go too that are more focused? Im thinking like a playgroup with activities or a singing/music group or something? If distracted by the activity you might find your lo gets the benefit of being around the other children without so much of the type of interaction you describe because the kids arent being so territorial over toys etc and the mums are more involved too?

 

[SerenityNow]

thank you lemonflower, it does hurt as a parent to see that! we do our best to teach our children that the word is a loving place, and they get used to being snuggled by us and laughing with us and I think they go out into the world expecting all people to be that way. it's sad that they have to learn gradually that not everyone loves them and wants to snuggle, etc.

Well, oldest children and only children perhaps, but younger siblings are free from such illusions! LOL


Maybe try taking her to more structured activities. My DS (26 months) is very shy around other toddlers-- in fact he would probably seem very "well behaved" because he wouldn't dream of snatching or hitting, it would mean being within arms reach! I've been taking him to activities like sing-a-longs and story times so he can be around around other 2 year olds but he can also keep his distance and warm up at his own speed.

 

[freckleonear]

At that age I allow babies to "snatch" from each other. Yes really! It is a RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers) philosophy. When adults don't interfere, babies and toddlers can develop their social/emotional intelligence and learn to interact with others without problems. Whilst they are so young, the interaction with others is more important and interesting than the object. At 9-18 months, giving and taking objects is how babies socialise! The videos at the bottom of this article are good: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/...s-from-taking-toys-another-respectful-debate/.