14 year old step daughter having "cyber sex"

[mumof2girls]

Hi really dont know what to make of all this but last night I borrowed my step daughters phone to transfer some pics that she had taken of my 2 girls. I came across one that was a shot of her comouter screen on msn.... I looked on zoom and she has been having cyber sex with a number of lads. The stuff she and these lads have been saying is very explicit and far from the "norm" you may expect from some 14 year olds. I have told her off in the past as she has a new boyfriend every other week and said it did not leave a good impression of herself . After reading the chat conversations on the photo I had no choice but to go through her texts and there were more..... now she wouldnt have had chance 2 delete coz I went in her room and asked to borrow phone she couldnt have said no coz then id have known she was hiding something. Anyway I told her I was banning her from computer and I have changed all her passwords and security questions on facebook and msn and emails etc and have confiscated her sim card and given her one and said only we are allowed the number etc. I hate taking all this away from her but what choice do I have? I spoke to her Dad who didnt want to know what she had been writing as you can imagine he was livid and gave her a right telling off but the thing is she doesnt see why its wrong and isnt even bothered!!!

We have had a lot of problems with her in the past lying, stealing etc. She has no contact with bio mum and we currently go to family therapy due to her problems which I thought was working.... our relationship was back on track and I had started to trust her a lot more and give her more freedom..... thing is could it have stopped at internet chats and texts or could she have gone further? I have asked her but she says no but how can I believe her.... advice please im worried about her and im only 21 myself and never did anything like that. Ti be fair I have punished her exactly how I would punish my own 2 girls if they ever did anything like that and her Dad fully backs up my decision to remove priviledges.

 

[Hamsterlovin]

Sounds like you are in a very difficult situation! I think you have definately done the right thing by cutting off her communication sources e.g. internet. Maybe she thinks this is harsh but perhaps she canot grasp the risk of sexual grooing/ sexual attack she may be setting herself up for talking to men her age and maybe older. I was gong to suggest counselling but read you are already going to family counselling? Is this counselling as a group or are you seen indiviually? If it's done with everyone present maybe one to one counselling for your step daughter may be more effective as she may feel she can divulge more info if it is only her and a counsellor. Another point I wanted to add is that sexual promiscuity and an inappropriately high knowledge of sex etc in children can be indicitative of exposure to sexual abuse. If you think there may be a possibily that someone perhaps one of her 'net' friends may have been sexually abusing/grooming her then you need to investigate this further in any way you can. HOWEVER (and this is a big however) she is fourteen and I know a few people who engaged in sexual actvity as young teens and pre teens so abuse may not be a factor. You may just have an EXTREMELY sexually aware and developed girl on your hands.

 

[un1corn]

While I do agree with the points made above can I just add that I was sexually active at 13 and there was no abuse what so ever towards me I was just that way inclined as were most of my friends.. my cousin is 15 and we had this discussion recently when I borrowed her laptop and found similar stuff as you did, she feels safer doing the cyber sex thing rather than the real sex thing like we used to do before we all had the internet, as like she says.. as long as you dont meet up with anyone they cant hurt you, they can be deleted etc

I'm not saying its right but her parents kind of turn a blind eye as they know what she is doing but trust her enough not to do it in real life.. yes she has had sex but with cyber sex 'gets to say stuff that she would never do in real life' - her words.

I cant offer advice but can only pass on what I was told..

 

[Hamsterlovin]

While I do agree with the points made above can I just add that I was sexually active at 13 and there was no abuse what so ever towards me I was just that way inclined as were most of my friends.. my cousin is 15 and we had this discussion recently when I borrowed her laptop and found similar stuff as you did, she feels safer doing the cyber sex thing rather than the real sex thing like we used to do before we all had the internet, as like she says.. as long as you dont meet up with anyone they cant hurt you, they can be deleted etc

I'm not saying its right but her parents kind of turn a blind eye as they know what she is doing but trust her enough not to do it in real life.. yes she has had sex but with cyber sex 'gets to say stuff that she would never do in real life' - her words.

I cant offer advice but can only pass on what I was told..

"HOWEVER (and this is a big however) she is fourteen and I know a few people who engaged in sexual actvity as young teens and pre teens so abuse may not be a factor. You may just have an EXTREMELY sexually aware and developed girl on your hands."

I myself have friends as mentioned in my post that were sexually activ from the age of twelve. As someone who is qualified in the area of chld protection and welfare etc I was just making the suggestion that this sexual behaviour in a young teen could be indicative of abuse HOWEVER as mentioned in my post abuse may not be a factor.

 

[mumof2girls]

Hi thanks for replies there is absolutely no way she has been abused by anybody. Her mum used to hit her so there was an element of physical abuse but never sexual abuse. I do think she is just very sexually aware. I also agree with the fact that she is probably a lot safer than real life BUT I will not turn a blind eye although I understand why some parents would. I think she needed to know that at 14 that behaviour is not acceptable. We are in therapy as a family but she also has her own sessions as we thought she would benefit from it.

I guess I was also angry as she shares a room with my 4 year old and 11 month old and she is on the computer at night while they are in bed or playing so I am concerned about what my daughter has seen as shes quite advanced for her age and can read a little bit. She doesnt have a webcam as I stipulated when the computer first went into the girls room that she wouldnt be having one. She had one when it was in the hallway and we could see what she was doing.

I will bring it up in the next therapy session and see what they say. Thanks for replies x

 

[suzib76]

also to add in there is a certain sense of bravado for these kids hiding behind the web, she may be saying things she wouldnt dream of saying in real life - we all do, not always in a sexual way, but how many times have you read a thread where everyone is saying exactly what they think, in a manner that they *probably* wouldnt do in real life (there are a couple of good ones on the go today actually lol) but just a thought

 

[futuremommy91]

Hi thanks for replies there is absolutely no way she has been abused by anybody. Her mum used to hit her so there was an element of physical abuse but never sexual abuse. I do think she is just very sexually aware. I also agree with the fact that she is probably a lot safer than real life BUT I will not turn a blind eye although I understand why some parents would. I think she needed to know that at 14 that behaviour is not acceptable. We are in therapy as a family but she also has her own sessions as we thought she would benefit from it.

I guess I was also angry as she shares a room with my 4 year old and 11 month old and she is on the computer at night while they are in bed or playing so I am concerned about what my daughter has seen as shes quite advanced for her age and can read a little bit. She doesnt have a webcam as I stipulated when the computer first went into the girls room that she wouldnt be having one. She had one when it was in the hallway and we could see what she was doing.

I will bring it up in the next therapy session and see what they say. Thanks for replies x

Her mom used to hit her?! That's awful. But I'm confused- how do you know she was never sexually abused? I have a good friend who was sexually assaulted when she was 5 in the McDonald's tunnels- no one ever knew.

How do you and her get along? You guys aren't too far apart in age- does she respect your authority enough to where you could sit down with her and have a talk?

I would seriously consider either getting the computer out of the girls' room or removing the internet. I wasn't allowed internet on my own personal computer until I was 18. It drove me up the wall but in the end I think it was the right thing to do and will most likely do it for my kids.

 

[Laura2919]

I think that she is young and she clearly thinks its fine to do but as an older person you know its not.
Kids these days grow up far too quick and they want to be adults way way way before their time.
Keep on banning her and keep on at her that she is only 14..

x

 

[shocker]

Sounds like your handling the situation really well, I cant say id know what to do in that situation at all! have you thought about installing a nanny system on her computer? It blocks all websites deemed unsafe and even censors curse words, my sister has this installed for my niece whos 8 because you cant really tell what could pop up in a search engine! best of luck

 

[Christine1993]

when i was fourteen i was having 'cyber sex' and had numerous boyfriends, a different one every week. and you are completely right, the impression it gives people is terrible, i was branded a slut, a slag and loads of rumours started going round about me regarding sex. at the time i thought it was 'cool' but looking back on it, well i can't be more ashamed of myself. i think you are absolutley doing the right thing by taking away her phone and internet etc, she is only fourteen and you only want the best for her.

 

[Lullaby2009]

I can empathise as I have a friend who has gone through similar, they had a strained relationship to start with (which by the tone of your writing, you seem to have too). It turned out that her step daughter PERCIEVED that her step mum was being quite controlling and it was her way of rebelling against it. I'm not suggesting that you're being controlling, but you say you've changed all her passwords and security questions, and that you had only just started to trust her and give her more freedom..... so could it be that she PERCEIVES you as controlling, when she may feel it's not your place to be that way?

In another example, my own step daughter (much younger she's almost 8 and has been in my life since just before she turned 5) takes great exception if I discipline her, but is fine if her dad does it... she says herself that it's because I'm not her parent, she already has parents who tell her when she needs to calm down/say sorry/have a time out etc. and that it's not my place to tell her as well. It's a fair point, and if an 8yr old feels that way, maybe your step-daughter does too?

 

[kit603]

I don't really have much advice for you, but thought it might help if I pointed out that for some girls it does seem to be quite "normal" to have cyber sex. When I was younger (and i'm very much ashamed of it now!) I got talking to 2 guys online through a mutual friend, the first was my age and lived on the other side of the country and the second was scarily local and was like 21, which was 8 years older than me at the time. We were having cyber sex and I was stupid enough to give out alsorts of information including my telephone number.

When my mum/dad found out they were livid and did exactly the same as what you have but that just made me want to talk to them more - i'd talk to them using schools computers/at friends houses etc and I just became more careful about text messaging etc and pretended that they didn't have my new number. Eventually they found out again and I was grounded for quite a while and after their reaction I didn't bother trying to contact them again. My dad actually phoned the 21 yr old and threatened to report him to the police etc (I was mortified but he never contacted me again!).

I'm not saying what she's doing is right but it might help to figure out why she's talking to these boys this way. In my case, I was quite lonely as my parents were in the middle of a messy divorce etc and I liked feeling "important" and "wanted" if that makes sense? I think it also felt kinda cool to have guys interested in me because a few of my friends were already having sex, and I wasn't ready and it was a "safe" way to explore.

 

[mandaa1220]

I also think it's important that you explain why you don't want her doing these things... Taking things away without explaining will just make her angry and confused.

You are doing a great job... Parenting is stressful!

 

[Chloe_toujour]

Hmmmm.
Ok im only 17 and my mum did all that stuff with me (although i didnt really do anything) but it just made me hate her and fight with her more. Like me and my mum had such a good relationship when i was a child, and we do still talk all the time and hang out but its just not the same. Because she gets so angry easily and verbally abusive (name calling and all). But tbh. the way you took all your stepdaughters stuff away? thats just gonna make her hate you more. I mean you did handle the situation well- but you dont want her hating you..

Plus. almost all 14 year olds are sexually active. trust me. Lol.
and reading her texts is illegal. even if you do suspect something. She could actually sue you for doing that.
Be careful when handling that situation. xo

GOOD LUCK

 

[Rhi_Rhi1]

read thro the posts here ... and i think u are right in takin it all away from her... at the end of the day you are just doing ure best by her.. she might 'hate' you now for it ... but really she will only thank you later on if she comes to her senses lol!

 

[supriseBump_x]

Hmmmm.
Ok im only 17 and my mum did all that stuff with me (although i didnt really do anything) but it just made me hate her and fight with her more. Like me and my mum had such a good relationship when i was a child, and we do still talk all the time and hang out but its just not the same. Because she gets so angry easily and verbally abusive (name calling and all). But tbh. the way you took all your stepdaughters stuff away? thats just gonna make her hate you more. I mean you did handle the situation well- but you dont want her hating you..

Plus. almost all 14 year olds are sexually active. trust me. Lol.
and reading her texts is illegal. even if you do suspect something. She could actually sue you for doing that.
Be careful when handling that situation. xo

GOOD LUCK

Just wanted to say not most 14 year olds are sexually active!! I was 17 and had been with my boyfriends 6 months before we both had sex for the 1st time.

I feel you are handling the situation in the best way u can. Have u thought about letting her on the computer for timed, supervised periods of time? Also i would seriously think about taking the computer out of her room and have it somewhere where she could be kept an eye on when on it.

Have u sat her down and told her why you don't want her doing these things? The guys might not be who they say they are... ect. She needs to know that its for her own good that you are being so strict.

Hope it all goes ok xxx

 

[hopeandpray]

100% agree with surprise bump, i just turned 19 so i'm not that over the hill lol most 14 year olds are not having sex, regular or cyber and i think it is pretty serious for young girls to treat it in such a casual way

 

[Chloe_toujour]

Hmm maybe its just every teenager in my old school. There was about 10 pregnant first-3rd years when i left. and my friend was pregnant 3 times between 1st and second year and all of my class had had sex before 5th year (our morning conversations were rather sexual) and that meant we were all 15-16? in a catholic grammar school :L

 

[supriseBump_x]

Hmm maybe its just every teenager in my old school. There was about 10 pregnant first-3rd years when i left. and my friend was pregnant 3 times between 1st and second year and all of my class had had sex before 5th year (our morning conversations were rather sexual) and that meant we were all 15-16? in a catholic grammar school :L

Sounds like a load of bullshit to me...

 

[AyaChan]

I think your doing the right thing

and at Chloe, you can not judge every 14 year old on your own experience. Plenty of 14 year olds still go around having fun without resorting to sex.

hope everything turns out ok for you OP.

x