1st month TTC after a miscarriage

[.hopeful.one.]

I'm sorry you're feeling so alone, hopeful! It's a difficult thing to go through. Have you tried doing anything else to distract yourself around other people? Pick up a new hobby, take a class, etc.? Maybe even something like a book or wine club would help. Or maybe talk to your doctor's office and ask if they know of any support groups.

These forums definitely save my sanity, but sometimes you just need a hug and an "I understand."

I do quilt but I'm in a small apartment now so my machine is at my moms. I told her I'll be getting it next time I'm over so I will have something to keep me busy for a while. You can't have too many quilts, right?

 

[Dill]

Well, there you go -- find a quilting circle to join! I know there's a local quilting club here. That would get you out of the house, making new friends, and well distracted.

 

[wearsunlight]

Well, I officially got my BFN in the form of AF yesterday afternoon. That means we're officially out our first month TTC after my D&C in October. I must have had a really weird hormonal month: I've been all over the place emotionally, had all sorts of bizarre PMS (or what I thought could have been pregnancy) symptoms, and then my period came 3 days early. Normally, you can set your watch to my cycle. I'm wondering if that means maybe I didn't ovulate this month. I haven't been tracking my ovulation cycles, but maybe now I will.

Hoping and hoping and hoping that one of you will have your BFP this month! It would make me so happy.

 

[Fleur828815]

hopeful, sorry no one seems to understand what you're going through. I'm also so glad this board exists because there's no one in real life I can talk to about all this. DH says I'm obsessed (although I had a cry fest this morning and told him how alone I feel, and he's promised to be more supportive), and my friends would listen and be compassionate but I don't want to bother them. By the way, I would love to have a quilt, I've always wanted one! I suppose it takes hours and hours to make one?

wearsunlight, my cycles have gone haywire since the miscarriage. It used to be so easy for me to predict ovulation just by keeping a watch for CM/EWCM, now I don't get any. I started using OPKs a couple of months ago. The first month I never got a positive so it was probably an anovulatory cycle. Apparently it is quite common to have 1 or 2 anovulatory cycles every year but you wouldn't know unless you were using something to confirm ovulation. After a miscarriage it can also take a while for things to get back to normal. Good luck with TTC, hope that you'll be successful very soon!

 

[Dill]

Cycles can definitely change after a MC. I always had long cycles. They shortened up after my big MC/D&C last year, and seem to have further shortened after last month's MC. It means AF hits sooner, but also means less waiting, I suppose. Gotta look for the silver lining!

Fleur, my hubby also thinks I've gone a bit baby-crazy. I think it must be hard for him, too, to see me obsess and test and get constantly disappointed. Men just deal with the stress differently. I thought he wasn't bothered at all by our losses and subsequent difficulties, but after we had a long talk, I learned that he was. I think it's that difference in coping mechanisms that can cause strain in marriages after losses. It's important to not get too wrapped up in your own sadness and mourning and forget that your hubby is also dealing with a loss and the stress of conceiving again. I know I got so fixated on wanting his support that I forgot to support him in turn.

 

[wearsunlight]

Fleur, my hubby also thinks I've gone a bit baby-crazy. I think it must be hard for him, too, to see me obsess and test and get constantly disappointed. Men just deal with the stress differently. I thought he wasn't bothered at all by our losses and subsequent difficulties, but after we had a long talk, I learned that he was. I think it's that difference in coping mechanisms that can cause strain in marriages after losses. It's important to not get too wrapped up in your own sadness and mourning and forget that your hubby is also dealing with a loss and the stress of conceiving again. I know I got so fixated on wanting his support that I forgot to support him in turn.

Dill, thank you for this: it's so spot on. When we first found out I was miscarrying and then through the D&C and everything I would just cry and cry and cry. My husband was stone cold. It was only just last week that I found out he was crying and mourning privately, because he didn't want to burden me with his sadness, too. (Ha, that actually made me cry--I felt so selfish!) Thank you for reminding me not to bury myself in my sadness at the BFN this month, too. Our husbands mourn differently, especially given the fact that they have very different physical relationships to pregnancy and miscarriage.

Fleur: Thank you for the very helpful insights about ovulating. I guess I was just assuming that I'd waited the requisite 3 months after the D&C and things should be in tip top shape. I should be gentler on my body and forgiving. It went through something very intense and carried me through it. I'll look into the opks that you suggested.

 

[Dill]

It can take up to 6 months for your body to bounce back from a D&C or MC. Some women are fine right away, others take more time to heal. Your body will let you know when it is ready! So hang in there -- it's gonna be okay.

I also use OPKs and they've worked great. I get the 50-packs of Babi brand dip strips off Amazon for about $13.

 

[Spudtastic]

Fleur, my hubby also thinks I've gone a bit baby-crazy. I think it must be hard for him, too, to see me obsess and test and get constantly disappointed. Men just deal with the stress differently. I thought he wasn't bothered at all by our losses and subsequent difficulties, but after we had a long talk, I learned that he was. I think it's that difference in coping mechanisms that can cause strain in marriages after losses. It's important to not get too wrapped up in your own sadness and mourning and forget that your hubby is also dealing with a loss and the stress of conceiving again. I know I got so fixated on wanting his support that I forgot to support him in turn.

this is spot on for me too. Last night I told dh I was depressed and he seemed surprised when I said I was sad about the babies we lost. A friend of ours is going through a divorce and he sent an email explaining he wasn't coping and is going away for a couple of months to clear his head. Dh said 'oh you would never have known as he hides it well and puts on a brave face" I felt like shouting thats me thats me but I didn't.

This forum has also kept me sane too. I've been able to pout my heart out and someone understands exactly. They give the response you need rather than 'oh well chin up. It happens all the time' Which doesn't make me feel better anyway.

I would also love a quilt. I can imagine that it would be such a soothing thing to do. I keep meaning to take up my old hobby but once I get dd to bed I'm tired.

 

[SWlady]

Fleur, my hubby also thinks I've gone a bit baby-crazy. I think it must be hard for him, too, to see me obsess and test and get constantly disappointed. Men just deal with the stress differently. I thought he wasn't bothered at all by our losses and subsequent difficulties, but after we had a long talk, I learned that he was. I think it's that difference in coping mechanisms that can cause strain in marriages after losses. It's important to not get too wrapped up in your own sadness and mourning and forget that your hubby is also dealing with a loss and the stress of conceiving again. I know I got so fixated on wanting his support that I forgot to support him in turn.

That happened to me too! I was really upset one day and taking it out on my hubby, and he told me he had cried at work the day I had my D&C (it was in the afternoon and he worked just in the morning). It was nice to know that he was mourning too, but now that months have passed, I think he doesn't quite understand why it's still impacting me this much.

 

[.hopeful.one.]

Quilting is definitely time consuming. It usually takes me about a week to finish one if I stay really motivated.

I recently talked to my hubby about everything too. It's hard to remember that miscarriage hurts them too. We just have a much harder time physically and that serves as a painful reminder. My husband told me that he doesn't know if he even wants to try again because he's afraid it'll happen again! I hope that changes because I want a child so bad and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be a mom. I might need to have him read some of the stories about successful pregnancies after miscarriage.

 

[Dill]

MCs are SO common! Most women just don't talk about them. It's sort of a taboo subject. You'll actually be more fertile for the first 3 ovulatory cycles after your MC, so let him know that when you have your talk. I totally understand why he might be hesitant, especially since it is so emotionally and physically difficult to deal with, but don't give up hope after one setback! Your rainbow will happen.

 

[.hopeful.one.]

MCs are SO common! Most women just don't talk about them. It's sort of a taboo subject. You'll actually be more fertile for the first 3 ovulatory cycles after your MC, so let him know that when you have your talk. I totally understand why he might be hesitant, especially since it is so emotionally and physically difficult to deal with, but don't give up hope after one setback! Your rainbow will happen.

I will definitely tell him. Thank you! Hopefully we will all be holding our rainbow babes soon!

 

[Love4you]

So I just started spotting red and cramping. And I am WAY cranky so I think my first AF is on it's way. I'm a little sad but I'll be happy to hopefully get things going again. Pretty sure I didn't O at all following my loss which was disappointing but prob for the best.
I plan on jumping on the hubby as soon as the witch leaves.
How is everybody else? Any news?

 

[Love4you]

Quilting is definitely time consuming. It usually takes me about a week to finish one if I stay really motivated.

I recently talked to my hubby about everything too. It's hard to remember that miscarriage hurts them too. We just have a much harder time physically and that serves as a painful reminder. My husband told me that he doesn't know if he even wants to try again because he's afraid it'll happen again! I hope that changes because I want a child so bad and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be a mom. I might need to have him read some of the stories about successful pregnancies after miscarriage.

Aw, my hubby too. He saw how devastated I was after our loss and doesn't want to see me suffer like that again. I'm sure it's hard for them watching us in such pain.
But I feel like if I don't try again than I'll always be thinking about our loss and constantly mourning. I need a rainbow. I'm petrified to try again esp since I'm 38. But I'm not ready to give up either.

 

[tankel]

So first time DTD after MC and I started bawling. I thought that I had dealt with everything emotionally but I guess I hadn't. I never expected to start crying like that.

 

[KozmikKitten]

tankel - that happened to me too. The first time after mc and also the first time after the subsequent AF. I hope you start feeling better soon.

 

[Fleur828815]

Thank you ladies! Your DHs sound very supportive. It’s true that they didn’t go through the miscarriage physically so they can’t know exactly what we had to endure.

DH is thoughtful and caring (most of the time!) but he’s not really into “feelings”. He was very shocked and upset on the day we learnt the embryo had stopped growing, more than me because I’d been expecting it, but he got over it really quickly. He’s like that in general, not just over the miscarriage. Contrary to me, he’s very optimistic and upbeat so he’d rather look forward to the future. I’m glad I’ve told him how I’m feeling though, because he thought I’d gotten over it too (although it’s been only 4 months).

hopeful, I understand how scared your DH feels, but tell him that it’s very rare for miscarriages to happen more than once to the same person (I keep having to remind myself of that).

Love4you, my doctor told me it’s common not to ovulate after a miscarriage. Has AF turned up?

tankel, the first time DTD after a miscarriage can bring many emotions to the surface

How is everyone else doing?

 

[Dill]

Fleur, my hubby is the same way -- very optimistic, and would rather look with hope to the future than dwell on the past, or worst-case scenarios. I'm more of a "hope for the best, but prepare for the worst" sort, and I know it sometimes drives him crazy.

Love4you, it can take several months for your cycle to resume normally, depending on how far along you were, and how long it takes for your hCG levels to drop back down to 0-ish. After my August MC/September D&C, I didn't have AF until November, and I'm 95% sure it was an anovulatory cycle (it was just a couple of days of spotting). I didn't ovulate again until December. So hang in there!

 

[cl59]

Hi ladies

Firstly I'm so sorry for all your losses. It is so tough going through this and then being back in the ttc mindset.

I'd love to join you - I'm in my first cycle after a natural mc (first pregnancy) at 5w6d on January 23rd. Stopped bleeding after one week and if I count the start of the mc as cd1 then I'm on cd19 now. I usually ov on cd17-19 with ewcm on days 13-15. Last couple of days I have had ewcm - not sure if this means ov is near but yesterday and the day before we bd. Not trying 'properly' this month as still drained from the mc and can't deal with the stress of opks and timing bd, but would be thrilled if it happened! If not then will be back in the game 100% after af.

 

[Dill]

Never hurts to BD on days with EWCM! Good luck!