2nd time dad Q's

[FTB2017]

Ok, i'll keep this as short as possible but I need some advice.

My wife and I have a 6 year old and are now expecting our 2nd (found out last week). I was bad during her first pregnancy...neglected her feelings in many ways including sexually. That flame never got relit. We went over a year at times without contact. We were all but "done" 3 or 4 times and the only reason we stayed together was for our son. Things had turned around (a little) and we decided to try again and started in late nov. 2 weeks ago I found out she had a 2 time affair during our dead period. I've moved past the shock and hurt, and understand the reasons for it. Since I found out, we've been so much closer to each other...I finally have the pain to empathize with what I neglected for years. I want to be there for her, to be her hero during this. I know she'll have mistrusts because of last time. What i'm struggling with right now is kind of selfish, but I need some help on how to handle it. Our sex life had rekindled and really hit a peak before the news. It was wonderful and so so so much more than physical...it was like dating a new girl. My problem is I still have anxiety about what happened, and a lack of confidence or a need to "prove we're back". We haven't been physical since we found out and I fear so much falling into that rut. She's told me that it's really the 2nd trimester when she felt "roaring and ready to go" last time. I don't want to take her lack of interest early as anything bad but it's tough given the circumstances. I will be her everything this time, and want these 9 months to be so special for her. Any advice for me, about anything is so appreciated. I am an insanely terrible with patience...I tend to want to fix 7 years in 7 minutes kind of thing. I want to avoid that, and just be the MAN for her.

 

[Farmgirlalee]

Well from a girl perspective it is hard on us especially the first trimester. We feel and are bloated. We are uncomfortable, possibly sick (not just mornings but all the time), noises are louder and more annoying than they normally are and don't get me started on smells! In addition to that our hormones are all over the place. We might want sex but not feel up to it physically. Our backs hurt, heads hurt and we can feel helpless to the hormonal changes going on all over the place.

From my perspective from a partner that sounds a lot like you in that he feels let down from the intense "Woohoo" time of getting pregnant to the pillow barricade I build between us at night- it is hard on the partner. But when my partner pushes his needs or like the other night when I was FINALLY sleeping hard and he kept touching my breasts trying to get me turned on to have sex- all it did was piss me off and ruin what would have been my first good night's sleep in days. What I would really love right now is a great back massage. Or for him to take his kid to grandma's for the weekend so I can have a quiet day. Or for him to remember that my morning sickness is worse if I have to get up and get food in the morning so breakfast in bed is not just a sweet gesture but helps me not get sick in the mornings.

Things like that really rack up the brownie points so when I don't feel like my body is being invaded by a life sucking parasite then I will want to do fun romantic things like sex again. But right now I pretty much regret life and even though I want this baby and we purposefully tried for it- I sometimes think- What the hell was I thinking! The first trimester is the worst part. At least labor is only a day or so.

 

[FTB2017]

Yeah I don't want to pressure her, and certainly don't want her to feel uncomfortable. I would never push it too far, but want her to feel wanted. As we talked, she mentioned that she missed the cuddling and stuff more than sex the first time around...and I understand that completely. It's a tough balance between wanting her to feel wanted and wanting to her not to feel pressured. We've been really honest with each other and I told her today that the hurt I feel can often lead to me being a little "over board" with stuff. She promised me that when...or if she feels like it she will ring the bell loud and clear but that early it's more a back rub and massage kind of deal. I told her my needs are zero at this point...

 

[luz]

What is her love language?? I am all about physical contact, and so I love it when my husband touches me. It doesn't even have to be sexual. Good morning hugs, kisses, pats on the bum, whatever. Its so nice to feel wanted and loved without the thought of, "oh you're just touching me because you want some." If that makes sense? I told my husband when we were going through a little rut that his job was to touch me 3 times a day for 3 seconds at a time. Seems easy enough, and really helps us to stay connected.

 

[UnderPressure]

Be as sympathetic as possible to the changes her body is going through. Act lovingly throughout the day by getting her a drink, making her favorite meal, etc. she might still not feel up to intimacy, but the less she has to do for herself the more likely she will be to have energy left over.

If you're worried about losing the spark, remember that it's important to date your spouse. Take her to dinner, invite her to dance with you, etc.

 

[FTB2017]

She is also coming off of anxiety meds so there's a little extra stress. I appreciate the advice so much. In all honesty the stars freaking aligned for us. So much has been better since we opened ourselves up to our mutual pain. We kind of drew a line in the sand yesterday and agreed that the past is behind us and for the first time in 7 years we are excited to be around each other. It's like dating a new girl. There is so much to enjoy and sex is only a small portion. She told me yesterday that she missed the touching the most...the cuddling the hugs...it's my goal to be her rock...whatever she needs...I'm excited for it really. A lot of couples don't get a second chance. I will definitely update our experience in hopes that someone can see it and hopefully draw some positives.

 

[brittany12]

For me it was like my husband didn't even recognize I was pregnant the first time and it's kind of like that again.
Like I feel so ugly and fat at this point in the first trimester and it would be nice to hear that I'm not. When I'm saying things like I don't feel well or I'm hungry or my back or head or joints hurt it would be nice to have someone ask what they can get me to eat or snack on or to rub my back without expecting anything in return.
It would be nice to have him just ask how things are going and just acknowledge to me or himself or anyone that I am pregnant. To do a little extra around the house.

Those are just easy little things in my opinion that would make her and this pregnancy feel special

Edit: 5that makes him sound terrible but he isn't. He is a great dad and loves our little girl more than anything and he is a good husband in general but when you add in the pregnancy hormones sometimes women get a little extra needy..