3 failed IUIs. How do you cope?

[Sunshine24]

All great ideas! Thanks, ladies!

I am an artsy person, too. I love making things. I'm also guilty of being a work-a-holic, which really isn't the best diversion. It's part of my job though.

HI Willow-

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you! I hope you are doing okay.

Good diversions for me before my IVF were reading, getting into a funny TV series, totally organizing and cleaning "hidden" spaces in my house ( closets, pantry, etc. ), making elaborate dinners, going out to eat w the hubs and eating/drinking whatever I wanted, and walking my dog. They all helped a little.

The organizing was really great though because then when I finally DID get pregnant with IVF my house was sooooo clean and neat!

 

[WillowGrace]

Sunshine, thank you!!! I could certainly use some organization around here.

Kjg thinking of you! I hope this cycle works for you.

I thought I was dealing with things well, but the truth of it is..... I'm not. One day I feel fine and the next day I'm a flipping mess. Today I went in for blood work. They want to see my HCG numbers go down to 0. I feel so naive that 9 mos. ago when I started treatment there at the fertility center I thought it wouldn't be long before we would be able to celebrate.

Today I feel so down, sad, and a ball of emotions. Yesterday we had a baby shower at work for a friend of mine. She had been struggling with infertility, too. IUI #3 worked for her. I am so beyond happy for her, but a little piece of me is still sad due to what I'm going through. My losses, my journey, our infertility. Another coworker was one week ahead of me with my last BFP and she just had the genetic testing and found out she is having a girl. She was pregnant on her first try and was pregnant with her son (also pregnant with him on the first try) when we were trying months and months and months ago... ugh. Another girl at work is also pregnant with her second daughter. Again, I am SO happy for them, but it feels I can't escape this... I haven't colored my hair since before my BFP, so it's been a long time. It looks crappy. It's a constant reminder every time I look in the mirror how this last cycle and pregnancy didn't result in a take home baby. I have to wait for a time to get it done. Everywhere I turn there is a pregnant person, a baby item at the story, or an ad in my FB feed.

If it continues like this.....our IVF cycle is going to be an eternity away... My husband has given me lots of hugs today. It's not a good one. I have so much to be thankful for, but it doesn't make this hurt any less.

 

[SashimiMimi]

Willow, the emotions you describe are ones I could have written myself. This is exactly how I felt after my series of failed IUIs. Mind you, I did not go through the loss of a BPF like you have, so I can only imagine that your feelings are only intensified because of this.
I do remember how EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE I went was pregnant. I had to unsubscribe from a lot of people on FB because it was all pregnancy announcements. And then of course I guess because I was googling fertility and pregnancy a lot, all my sponsored posts and suggested posts were baby related. It stinks!!
I actually ended up seeing a therapist to deal with my emotions, because I felt I was becoming such a bitter person due to having no control over my fertility and the negative emotions it was causing. She was a "fertility hypnotist" too of sorts, and my sessions with her were incredibly helpful. I saw her a few times before moving forward with IVF. The therapist had also suffered from infertility and has one child through IVF, so she could totally relate. She helped me let go of all my negative emotions and how I felt every time I saw a pregnant lady or heard about a pregnancy announcement. She had me say positive affirmations every night, and although I felt silly saying them in my head, they really helped. By the time I finally did IVF I felt I had a positive attitude and a clean slate. I had let go of all the hurt and anger and I knew whatever happened with IVF, I would at least have more information about why nothing was working.
Anyway, if you think it would be helpful to talk to someone who deals with fertility and emotions, then I strongly recommend it. Perhaps your clinic could refer you to someone. If not, I think it is important to open up to trusted family members, friends and your husband. Of course, also opening up here helps, too!!
Just remember what you are feeling is entirely normal. This is such a difficult roller coaster and no on says you have to feel okay with what has been going on. It can take a long time to work through those emotions.
Xoxoxo
PS. When you do get your BFP and when you finally have your baby in your arms, you will know why you had to go through all this. I promise!

 

[summer2011]

sorry you're having a rough day willow. I've been where you are and I know how tough it is! When your time comes you'll appreciate every pregnant moment that much more because of it and be a better mother for it.

Take care of yourself, get your hair dyed (even if you do a home job until you can see a hairdresser) and pamper yourself. You deserve it!

 

[Sunshine24]

Oh Willow my heart breaks for you--- I never had to endure a loss so I cant imagine what you are going through, but I remember years of disappointment paralleled with a parade of pregnant ladies and babies everywhere. It was excruciating. I felt like I was in a dark tunnel all alone, unable to see the light or any way out. I had to block a lot of face bookers and avoid certain social situations just for my own sanity!

Its easy for me to say now, but Sashimi also said this to me too when I was int he worst of it, when you hold that baby in your arms ( because you WILL ) you will know exactly why you went through what you did.

My daughter it the exact baby we were supposed to have and was worth all the wait. And the painful wait made both my husband and I very laidback, grateful parents. Waking up in the middle of the night? No problem! Who cares!!!! When you are on the other side of this nightmare you will have such clarity and peace and be such a better mom for it.

I am so sorry for your loss and so very sorry you are going through this at the holidays. And, waiting for IVF is the worst!! Stay positive and remember you will have a happy ending--- I would have never ever ever ever believed I would....yet- here I am.

Xoxo

 

[summer2011]

Congrats to you Sunshine on your Nov BFP!! Wonderful news!

 

[StayHopeful]

, Willow! I think that there's no right or wrong way to deal with a loss, and everything you're going through is completely normal. I felt the same way when I lost my bfp and then was diagnosed with infertility, and I unfollowed a lot of people on Facebook and made up excuses to get out of several baby showers. All you can do is take it one day at a time and lean on friends and family. One thing that helped is that while I was waiting to do IVF (it took about 6 months between our last IUI and when we had saved up enough to start the IVF stuff), I gave myself permission to not be TTC. I had the occasional drink, exercised and got my heart rate up, and did some of the things that I knew I wouldn't get a chance to do when my baby came. And I think that break really helped my mindset going into IVF. The pain of the loss never goes away completely, you'll always remember that baby. But you will hold your baby in your arms one day and every second of what you're going through now will be worth it, too.

 

[kjg123]

Thinking of you, Willow. Can't imagine how hard that is...

Im 12dpiui on my 5th medicated cycle and hopefully one of the last before IVF (we hit the one year off BCPs thanksgiving!). Im not sure whether I got an evap line or the weakest squinter this morning. I wish i could post it but i can't figure out how. It's funny that I'm in such a denial I can't even get the slightest excited. It's like a defense mechanism so I never get hopes up again. So sad!

 

[alfi924]

Hi all,

I am very new to this site and new to posting about my TTC journey. I have read your entries and feel a sense of relief knowing I am not alone. I recently found out my 3rd IUI was a failed one. I spent all night last night sobbing and asking God why and what did I do wrong?

A little history on my story: My husband and I have been actively trying to conceive for almost 2 years. For the last 18 months, (13 of those months, my gyno said to try the natural way and then we will move on if needed)...well, it was needed. So, my GYN prescribed me Clomid for 4 cycles, but I did not respond well at all (maybe one follicle per cycle). And the side effects, oh man. My husband would run away each week he knew I had to take it. After all the unsuccessful attempts, she recommended me to a specialist. We met our RE at the end of August, and he vowed he would help me. He started me on the Femara and then each cycle, he would add something. 4 months later, 3 doses of Femara (last one being a 7.5mg dose), 3 hCg trigger shots, and this last cycle I did Crinone Progesterone supplements, there has been no luck.

It amazes me to see how you women support each other, & I am looking for something like that. My poor husband does not understand how traumatic this is to me and how it such a blow to the stomach each month. My family as well try real hard to be supportive, but that's easy for them...my mom had 3 girls with no problem and my sisters have 2 kids each and had no issues...I feel like I'm the black sheep of my family and pregnancy has become such a sensitive topic, that no one wants to bring it up. Not to mention, my friends are all starting to pop out kids, with the "oops, it just happened" comment and it makes me want to scream.

I am SO sorry for the long entry...it was my first one, so I am not sure how long these things should be. I look forward to hopefully connecting and being able to vent/share some stories with you.

Baby Dust to all who are in the TWW

 

[alfi924]

Sorry, I should also mention that we have been through every test possible, we both quit smoking, we rarely drank to begin with but now we don't even touch alcohol. Testing included all base line blood tests and everything came back normal, including a "fantastic egg reserve". I've had a Sonohysterogram, an HSG, DH had a SA, and it came back perfect. A Hysteroscopy (when we first started trying) and I go for blood and an ultrasound almost every week for monitoring. I have also been on Metformin for 7 months. I started out on 1000mg prescribed by my GYN, and now the RE upped it to a therapeutic dose of 1500mg for the last 4 months. Obviously, I take my prenatal and an extra Vitamin D b/c I am slightly deficient. The RE mentioned the possibility of PCOS, but also mentioned it is an unconfirmed diagnosis b/c my tests haven't shown otherwise. The struggle has been real hard & I am mentally & physically shot.

 

[Maverick007]

welcome alfi and all the other newer women who are posting...i am tearing up a little reading your posts because it brings back such a flood of memories of how hard those times are when you are at the bleakest and feeling no hope. please allow yourself to grieve the losses of your babies if you've had a miscarriage, and let yourself grieve the babies that never were if you've never been pregnant...this is a safe place to vent and be angry and sad and we all completely understand. i'm praying and hoping that you all have your prayers answered very soon.

 

[kjg123]

well i finally got my first BFP! The last cycle while we were waiting for IVF! Funny how it works that way. Beta today at 13dpiui was 84.

I am now thrilled yet freaking out because I had 3 mature (20mm) follicles plus trigger plus IUI. We decided to go ahead since we have some MFI (2-3% morphology) and my lining never gets much above 7.5mm.
I think i could possible handle twins but I'd really go crazy if I found out about triplets! I'll probably be in agony until a first ultrasound.
Anyone with stores about IUI with multiple mature follicles and ending up with singletons or multiples??

 

[alfi924]

well i finally got my first BFP! The last cycle while we were waiting for IVF! Funny how it works that way. Beta today at 13dpiui was 84.

I am now thrilled yet freaking out because I had 3 mature (20mm) follicles plus trigger plus IUI. We decided to go ahead since we have some MFI (2-3% morphology) and my lining never gets much above 7.5mm.
I think i could possible handle twins but I'd really go crazy if I found out about triplets! I'll probably be in agony until a first ultrasound.
Anyone with stores about IUI with multiple mature follicles and ending up with singletons or multiples??

KJG123 that is fantastic news!! congratulations to you and your BFP!! When do you go back for your next Beta?

 

[kjg123]

thanks alfi! they want me to come back in 2 days.
i've spent hours googling # of babies with 3 mature follicles...
lots of singletons but LOTS of multiples as well. eeek!

so happy to finally be able to post this though! we hit our 1 year off birth control pills over thanksgiving. and this was our 5th medicated cycle and 3rd IUI. and LAST before IVF.

Keeping fingers crossed for all of you guys still waiting for that BFP!

 

[Lindsey322]

Hi everyone,

Reading your posts was very nice. This is a great place I have had two lap surgeries and stage 1 endo. No biggie, it really was just for pain. I had the first one before I even met my hubby. I had two bc the first doctor missed it, my new doctor is a reproductive endocrinologist. She found it.

My mom had both of her pregnancies right off of the BCP so I assumed I'd have no trouble at all. It started with 45 day cycles after the BCP which I've been on since I was very young due to the endo. We decided to do Clomid in October.

This whole time I've been telling myself this is just for scheduling. I never know when I'm ovulating on my cycles bc they are so erratic. Still, hearing my doctor tell me there is only up to a 20% chance of conception, I sometimes wonder, why bother?

The first cycle of clomid failed. I had two follicles but 6.5 lining, so they changed me to leprozole. My lining was over 7.1 this time but I only had one follicle... but the doctor called it "nice and juicy". I do ovidrel and the progesterone.

I'm scared. This is only my second attempt, but my 4th time knowing my ovulation date. I know more women have to try for 6 months or so... and I have some months under my belt. I'm 29.

My husband wasn't very into assisted conception. I think he's come around now that he sees what shenanigans my body pulls. Still, I am really worried about if the clomid cycles don't work. How long do you wait for IVF? How long is that process?I feel like the more I get into it, the more I feel like Alice in the Rabbit Hole.

I thought this would be super easy. The 15-20% number scares me on an hourly basis. I'm currently moody as heck with the progesterone (5days DPO).

I teach young children with disabilities, my major in college was child development... children are my life. Literally. I never imagined the possibility of having trouble conceiving.

My husband is skeptical of IVF. He tells me the doctors are trying to sell their service. He'd be happy to just try for the next ten years... but I want a few kids, and I'll be 30 soon. This hurts. We had 3% morphology, but the count was like 90 million. The doctor mentioned IVF in passing, but I think it's a bit too soon to go down that road. I have four more months of clomid left.

People at work tell me not to stress. If one more person tells me that... One lady said not to stress and just have fun... which must be nice. She has three kids. My body doesn't work right, it never has in that department. I'm frustrated and sad. I don't dare be hopeful!

 

[kjg123]

lindsey - totally hear where you are coming from.
I was 29 when i started TTC (exactly one year ago) and had long, irregular cycles after coming off OCPs. We started on Letrozole after trying for 6 months as I just was not sure I was ovulating at all. I also was given the diagnosis of PCOS due to my irregular cycles and lots of small follicles on ultrasound. My husbands numbers were great except for low morphology 2-3%.
The first 5 cycles of femara were all BFN. One follicle each time and my lining was super thin (usually around 6.5 or so). I was only in town to do 2 rounds with IUIs but both were unsuccessful. After that 5th medicated cycle and thin lining, we talked about injectables but my RE doc said it just increases the chance of multiples for people with PCOS and IVF would be a better route (better control and better results with transferring one embryo). Also would probably need ICSI due to husband's low morphology. I was devastated.
And it turns out my IVF clinic is closed in December due to quality insurance measures- I was so upset i just wanted to get the darn IVF over with! But I figured we would just do one more medicated cycle in the meantime...
I dont know what happened with that most recent cycle but i had 3 follicles and a half-decent lining (almost 8mm). Just got my BFP! Still not sure how many babies are in there though!

So while I can't comment on the whole IVF process (I only got through the initial consultation), I would say you have time. You have time to think about it and time to do a few more medicated cycles if you aren't in a huge rush. Have you done IUIs?? I ended up with the BFP on my 3rd IUI. I really think the trigger and the IUI helped for me. And we overcame the 2-3% morphology without IVF as well.
Best of luck with whatever you decide!

 

[SashimiMimi]

Hi Lindsey, I'm sure this all feels like a confusing time to you. All the info and available procedures for infertility can be so overwhelming. But don't get ahead of yourself and take it one day at a time. I can assure you that IVF is usually a last resort after trying a number of medications or IUIs, etc.
I had been trying a very long time and tried IUIs and failed. I know in my heart my doctor was not trying to sell services. I could tell he was very invested in me as a patient and cared about results. After a very long discussion and reviewing my medical history, we agreed unanimously that IVF was our best bet. If it didn't work then I would at least know more about why nothing was working. With IVF you can actually see the sperm egg interaction. IVF worked for us and I'm so glad we went through everything we did, otherwise I wouldn't have my son.
Most people don't end up going through IVF and can usually find a solution that will work for them. But if it does get to that point I hope your husband will keep an open mind.

 

[WillowGrace]

Welcome to all the new ladies.

We all know how you feel and can empathize with it all. This is a safe place to vent and share. I'm glad you are here.

In regards to the question about IVF. I know with some insurance policies you cannot do an IVF cycle until you have documented that you have been trying for 2 years otherwise it won't be covered at all.

Congrats Kjg on your BFP! We had the same happen to us last cycle before going to IVF. I hope it sticks for you!

I'm not sure if I updated on us, since I last went to the doc. Blood draw showed my HCG level was -4, so I am good to go with a cycle, but since I am waiting on my insurance to change over to the new plan in the new year we are on hold. I am taking up knitting. I'm starting with a purse first and then I'm going to felt it. I'm also going to do some scarves after I finish the purse. Other than that I've had to make changes. In our staff lounge I have to skip it for lunch. Too much baby talk, since we have so many pregnant ladies.... I need space. I am constantly reminded when I hear them talk that this didn't work. I think the only thing that is going to heal this is TIME and I may never be the same. 2 losses in 2 years sucks. I've read my IVF/ICSI folder over and over get mentally prepared and to be sure I've done everything I need prior to starting in the new year.... Praying for a BFP by the end of June.

I hope all you ladies had a wonderful Thanksgiving if you celebrate!

 

[moni77]

I started knitting my husband a scarf a year ago - I am almost half way done! I had to restart 3 times.

 

[Sunshine24]

Alfi- I am sorry you are going through this "journey". Look to this board and this forum for support. Two Decenbers ago I began following this board after my FIFTH failed IUI. I was so desperate and sad.

Now if someone had told me that two Decembers later I would have a one year old and another on the way (!!) I would have never believed them.

But its true.

The darkest days of my life gave way to some of the brightest and most hopeful. It can and will happen for you. It sounds like you have a good doctor that you trust--- make sure you advocate for yourself and try all options and avenues that you think could work. Research things, learn, tell those doctors what you need- it will happen for you. Stay busy and try to do fun things w your hubby.

It sounds so rough with your family having no trouble getting pregnant and friends all around with babies as well. I was so there and all I ever wanted to do was run and hide. Keep your chin up and know that you were given this burden because you are strong enough to handle it. Be proud of yourself. When your baby/babies arrive ( because they WILL!!) you will be a patient and calm mom because of all this you had to endure.

Xoxo