35 and unexpected pregnancy

[Kiwi_star]

Hi everyone

Well I found out 3 days ago that I am pregnant. It's completely unexpected, I'd broken up with the father in November (on/off boyfriend of 7 years) but we had a slip up and this is the result.

I'm 99.9% sure I want to have it. I've always wanted children, I'm 35 years old so time is ticking, and I just don't think I could forgive myself and would regret it eternally if I didn't have it...especially if it was too late by the time I'd found someone else. I have confronted the option of termination to be certain it's not what I want, and it's not. I don't want to spen the next 30 years in counselling because of regrets and hate for myself and my ex.

My ex is trying to be supportive, but after a discussion today he said he thought we should terminate it. He's worried we're not prepared financially, worried about us and if we're ready as a couple (valid reason), and wants to spend another year in the UK for his career whereas my preference would be to go home to NZ where our family is who would be very supportive. He's said he wants us to do it the conventional way...live together, travel together, move home next year and then start a family. But he has't committed in 7 years (the reason I finally left him) so who says he will now. It's almost like he's trying to offer me a reward if I end this pregnancy.

I told him I wasn't using the pregnancy as a way to tie him down, and I was prepared to do it alone. I told him I could not force him to be a part of his life and it is his perogative to choose not to be...all I knew was I didn't want to kill it.

So at the moment all I feel is fear and dread. My family are so excited, as are the couple of friends I have told (I know you shouldn't tell people too soon but I'm I don't have my family support network here and need people to talk to).

Has anyone been in this situation before? I just want to feel happy about it...the way I always dreamed I would. But I just feel tearful and emotional, and have these constant knots in my stomach of anxiety and fear over whether I'm doing the wrong thing by having it. Funnily enough, I said a prayer a few weeks before finding out that I would be sent love, happinness and a baby. Be careful what you wish for! lol But now I find myself looking at others and feeling resentful that they got the conventional package and I have a long hard road ahead of possibly doing it alone. I always dreamt I'd share the experience with a partner, but whether we will make it work or whether he'll even want to be a part of it is all a huge question mark!

I know there are no answers, I guess I'm just looking for some support from people who have been in similar situations. My ex and I left having agreed that we were doing it...but I told him he had a lot of thinking to do in terms of how involved he wants to be.

But at the moment all I want is to feel some kind of excitement and happiness, not this anxiety and wonder when it will sink in. It all seems so surreal and not happening at the moment.

Thanks in advance for reading xx

 

[Maple Leaf]

I've never been in your position before but wanted to send you hugs...
In my experience there is never a 'right' time to get pregnant. You just have to adapt to it. I have a 13 yr old and a 10 yr old and 5 years ago we moved lock,stock and barrel from the UK to Canada. Our family was complete having a boy and girl already.
However, someone up there had different plans and now I am heavily pregnant with my surprise 3rd baby. We briefly considered our options as we have no family support over here....but only momentarily.
A baby is a blessing. You sound like you have got things well under control and deep down I think you know what you want.
I wish you all the best of luck, and know we will be here to offer advice no matter what you decide..... X

 

[Rikki]

Try not to worry, it will turn out ok in the end.

When I was pregnant with my youngest (now 8) the father was not pleased. In fact he rang BUPA to price up an abortion without even discussing it with me. Needless to say I dumped him after that. I went through my pregnancy alone. All of a sudden, near the end he decided he wanted to be involved and I let him (but we weren't together). He saw his son for half an hour each day. the rest of the time I was on my own and I already had 2 other children (with someone else) so it was hard. But I managed. I had no family support or anyone to help me. He now sees him at weekends.

I wouldn't rely on this guy's promises. If you are determined that you want to have the baby then that's what you should do, and then leave him to decide if he wants to be involved or not. Chances are, if you terminate, he won't live up to his promises and you will end up on your own anyway.

However, that's just my opinion. The decision is yours. I know it's scary, but I think you know what you want to do. Good luck with everything. I'm sure it will all work out.

 

[taffylyn]

Go with your heart and you will not go wrong. It sounds like you want this baby. Move home and your family will support you. He is trying to make you a bargain, but you know what his game plan is. Being a single mom is hard work, but I love my daughter and wouldn't do it differently be any means. I am now married to a man who loves her and I with all his heart. I am also pregnant with twins. My daughter's father left me after she was born anyway and asked me to abort her, but I didn't...just so you know...we would have broken up anyway. Hope my experience helps.

 

[LuckyW]

Does he have family in NZ too?

Sorry you have so much extra doubt and uncertainty getting in the way of what should be happy and exciting times. But you seem so smart and self-possessed, seems like things should work out no matter what. Hope things start looking up very soon.

 

[Sparkly222]

Well....I'm going to boldly say to you......I think you have made absolutley the right decision because you have followed your heart. I am 32 weeks preggers today. This baby was a big surprise. My partner and I have been together 3 years and when I told him I was pregnant he threatened to leave me if I did not 'get rid of it'. I was devastated but I could not go through with a termination. It was the best decision I made. I'm so happy now. My 9 year old son is over the moon.....and....my partner got over the shock....plus I eventually forgave the horrible things he said to me / way he reated me at the time, and even he is now looking forward to the arrival of our little girl.

However....like you....I was completely willing to do this on my own if he did not come round and that really made me feel strong - that along with the wonderful response of everyone of my close friends and family.

So.....well done for following what your heart is telling you. I am sure your regrets woul be much bigger if you had not decided to keep your baby. Now be strong, let your good family and friends help you along with their support and encouragement, and enjoy every minute of it. Yes of course I still have ups and downs but only the normal ones in pregnancy as it's such a big thing full of lots of worries along the way, but I'm sooooo looking forward to the new life adventure that will begin when my baby arrives.

Sparkly xxx

 

[Torontogal]

I am not in your situation but wanted to add to the words of encouragement you are getting from all these other lovely ladies.

I can relate to your situation in many ways. I am turning 37 tomorrow and a lot of my 30s were taken up with a guy who couldn't commit too. I was genuinely not sure if I would meet someone in time to have kids and I admit, I just got lucky.

I empathize what you are saying about regretting it forever if you terminated and couldn't get pregnant again later. I think you are making the right decision because honestly, if you terminated what you fear would be a very real possibility. It sounds like you have a supportive family so you will at least have their love and support, and you can probably get some court-ordered child support out of the guy too even if he doesn't come around.

Also, you are right to suspect your man's "promises." Some guys will say anything to get what they want. But his situation and interests are very different than yours. He is a guy, he can have children in 7, 10, 15 years if he wants... but not you.

I wish you and your baby well!

 

[klsltsp]

I just wanted to give you big hugs and say what all of these other amazing ladies are saying. Follow your heart and what's best for you and your baby.

My ex left when my son was 4 months old, and I would never tell you that being a single mom is easy but it is VERY rewarding and worth every second!! move home, lean on your friends and family and enjoy this miracle. The baby's father will come around or not.. that's up to him and a decision he has to make all on his own. 5 yrs later I am with an amazing man and am pregnant with our first child together... and it's been worth the wait!!!

Good luck!! and congrats this baby will be the best thing that has ever happened to you!!!

 

[ame704]

Hi Kiwi,

Just checking in to see how you are doing?

 

[joannebump]

i brought up my two kids aged 15 and 11 on my own, pregnant with my 3rd ( not same dad ) and scared that ill end up on my own again, but you can do it, its not easy but you know that anyways but sounds like you have your friends and family behind you and thats the most important thing... you gotta do whats right for you, not anyone else and not your ex.. we all here if you need to talk, xx

 

[Bats11]

I wish you all the best i do believe its harder doing it on your own, but you can do it.

My sister is a single mum to a 6month old & she has done it once before with her two older kids who are now 20 & 18 but she has raised them on her own from when they were 3 & 5, so she knows she's capable of doing it again.