4 months ago today .. My Emma was taken from me

[kam78]

Hi gang,

Very long time since I've been on here but for some reason I was pulled back here with you all this morning ... Maybe I am remembering all the love and support I recieved from my first post and on.. and needing a lil today ..

It's been 4 (life changing) months since my daughter, Emma Gail was born sleeping... I was 19 weeks and 4 days along ....

I can NOT believe how different I am now ... and I must say, I do NOT like the new me ... I have tried all different forms and ways of "help" but honestly, I still don't feel any better. I have learned the beautiful art of "faking it" ... I wake up everyday and put on this smile just so I can function, trying to be a great mom to my kids, a loving fiancee, go to work and still trying to hang in there with college... I am overwhelmed!! Faking is very tiring ... But I have learned, I have to! Seems like everyone in my family and my lil corner of the world has just moved right along but here I sit, screaming from the inside!! I want my daughter back! I looked at the calendar this morning and realized I would have been 37 weeks along today!! I hate all the "would have's"... They seem to follow me every day thru out my daily drudge .. Instead of decorating my daughters plot at the cemetary, I should be doing the finishing touches on her nursery....

I go to the doctor tomorrow, to hear the most horrific words ... "No, you can't carry a baby to term" ... And, realistically I should be OK with that cuz God has blessed me with children already and I really thought we was finished adding to our family, but since Emma, I have had this "pull"... think it's just grief maybe and I just want HER but to hear the doctor tell me the game is over... I'm dreading my appointment ...

Words to all you new mother's that have unfortunately found you way here ...

This is an amazing place to fall ... So many compassionate, understanding people here... I am so very thankful for all the ones that have helped me thru this journey, the ones that have angels themselves... Just know, really know, there is no wrong way or right way to grieve... Do it YOUR way and take as much or as little time as you need... My one lesson I am still learning ...

Thanks for allowing me to ramble this morning

*My precious Emma .... Loved and missed more everyday... Never forgotten*

 

[Andypanda6570]

Kelly,
Believe me you are not alone and I always say those words " I can't believe how different I am today" it's the truth. I have no HOPE and how sad it is. I sit here and think i am getting better but I am not and I am so tired of people thinking I should be over this, I will never be over this . I just hope and pray I will get though it and to a point where it does not hurt SO much
I don't know what people want from me, how do they want me to act, what do they want me to say? I am just not ready to move on without her, yes I have accepted she is gone I know she is gone, but the why's of it , NO I have not accepted and whenever I do is my business not anyone else's I am so tired of people who know NOTHING of this pain give their opinions on how and what I should be and do, I am tired of it and one day i am going to snap. I know they mean no harm but how in the world can you try to give me advice when you have NO NO NO idea of what I am going through????? You can't.
So I really don't know what to say anymore, Kelly. I am so sorry for your loss of Emma Gail and for what you are still going through .
Kelly, can I ask why do you think he will say you can't have more children? I hope and pray he does not say this and I know what you mean about having our kids and yes I thank God I have my 3 boys but that doesn't make my loss of Ava any less> So why do people say oh you already have 3 beautiful boys why can't they just say i am so sorry for your loss and leave it at that, having other children has nothing to do with our loss, i just don't get that connection..
XOXOOXOXOXO

 

[Groovychick]

Stay strong hun.

 

[Hotbump]

 

[kiki04]

I totally understand you're feelings of "the new me" and I dont like it either. Honestly if I dont keep BUSY.... like constantly BUSY BUSY BUSY I turn into mega bitch. I always have something to bitch about and my marriage is feeling the effects of it Its like my OH can't do anything right these days and I am never happy unless busy to keep my mind and body busy. All I can think about is wanting my baby. And we will be trying again but lord knows if our marriage keeps up this way... its not a great idea! But it was PERFECT before... I never had anything to complain about. He has changed too though. In different ways. He feels like a failure and seems to have stopped trying... and then his lack of effort has been giving me more to bitch about. All this started after losing Hadlee in May. Its horrible I wish all of us ladies could get together in real life... cuz you all GET IT! You all know just whats deep down inside when no one else even seems to care none the less understand Im so sorry for all you're going through hunni but you're right... this place is AMAZING for the support we all need every.single.day

 

[jennijunni]

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your Emma. You are right this place is a wonderful place to come for comfort. I can only offer my condolences, and hugs, and prayers. And know that if you to talk or yell, or scream, or cry we are all here to listen. Hugs mama!

 

[kam78]

You all are amazing!

Thank you .... I am so thankful I have this soft place to fall : )

Andy,to answer your question.. The last time I went and seen my doctor I asked him then what he thought of future pregnancies and he just gave me this look and said "well see" ... I have IC ... Incompetent cervix ... Once baby gets any weight or size to them, my cervix is weak and can not with stand and just opens .... I hear of cerclage's but he's not confident that I would be a good candidate, not sure why but guess I'll be firing away this morning with lots of questions .. and to be quite honest, I'm not in a hurry to get preg again... I've been going thru school and I am towards the end, most hectic part so realistically I should wait til I'm done with school, just wanna know what I"m facing. If I CAN carry a baby, then heck yea, I'll be trying again eventually ....

I hate that you girls are having the same issues with people, they just don't get it do they ... They sure do try, but if you haven't walked this crazy road, then you just have no clue ....

When I found out I was preg with Em' there was so many of my friends that just so happened to get preg as well.... Well, it's around everyone's due dates, mine also ... I didn't realize how crappy it was really gonna be when everyone starts going into labor ... Blah! I haven't been to none of their baby showers, I just kind of vanished, vanishing is nice isn't it .. actually wish I could vanish a lil more, with work.... ugh.. lol...But, I get angry with myself cuz I feel like an awful friend and not being able to "suck it up" and just be there for them ..but I can't ... I know they understand but I just feel bad ....

I find myself at the cemetary everyday ... most days I'm ok ... but lately ... Nope, not so good ... I think it's because my due date is creeping closer ... Aug 15... I think I am gonna plan on taking that day off work, and just hiding ... Me and my OH was originally planning on getting married around that time, but he's changed his mind and wants to wait now, which is fine, he think's more realistically, I think more with feelings and emotions.. After I lost Em, I flipped out and panicked cuz Em's mom and dad wasn't married and wanted that fixed asap ... : ) Well, we are just not NOW... But I had that to look forward to and plan for around that time, something to keep my mind busy.... But, now what????

I just don't understand WHY .... I miss her more everyday... I feel so alone most of the time, I am always surrounded by family and friends but never felt so alone ... It seems I am the only one that speaks of, and moarns Em' ... Noone does anymore and that completely kills me ... I will just keep screaming .. " She is real, She is my daughter!"

Well, time to put my game face on and get ready for the day ... I truly hope you all have a great day and I'll be thinking of you ... When I think of my Em' I love to imagine her running around playing with all of your babies ... I can hear them giggling ...

Thanks again for allowing me to ramble : )))

 

[MaevesMummy]

Thinking of you, your not rambling. Every feeling you are having is a normal part of grief.
I know as time went on, I felt like people arround me had forgotten, and expected me to go back to "normal" but it just isnt like that. As you say, it changes you, I am a different person to how I was before. In some ways I think for the better.
The people I have met because of our lost much loved babies are some of the nicest I have ever come across. I dont think that is a coincidence.
Sending you much love and thinking of Emma. Talk about her as much as you like. Beautiful little girl xxxxx