4th miscarriage...feeling really depressed

[DecemberWait]

I will start this off by saying I am SO very lucky to have a beautiful and amazing daughter, thank God, who is my whole world and despite these struggles I am having I am just so grateful for her.

However, I feel like a piece of my heart is missing with wanting a 2nd child. We conceived on January 3rd or 4th and I got my BFP on the 1 year anniversary of my mom's suicide. People kept telling me it was a "sign" and that she would watch over the baby which actually makes this a lot harder. I don't really believe in that kind of "kismet" anyway but the thought was nice. I had perfectly darkening tests, symptoms, perfectly doubling hcg. I started to relax. Then on a whim I took a test again after my last appointment and it was virtually negative. I thought it might be the hook effect so I diluted my urine and it was 100% negative. My betas are now dropping and I am waiting to miscarry, I am "5w2d" today with zero spotting and I really hope my body will just please recognize that this baby has stopped growing and miscarry naturally before I have to get medical intervention.

I had 3 miscarriages before my daughter who I really consider to be a miracle given my history and inability to stay pregnant. She is such a blessing and I just want to see her grow up with a sibling so badly.

This is hard because there were no signs. Great betas, great tests....great everything. In fact if I hadn't tested again and gone in for more bloodwork I may have ended up with a missed miscarriage, so at least this way I already know and am not sitting here thinking I am still growing a baby - I still have STRONG symptoms which makes it harder.

I really don't want to ever be here for a 5th time, so I am just hoping against hope that my next baby grows and stays and is healthy. I know it can happen. I just don't want to go down this path for as long as I did before I had my daughter. It is worth it in the end but just soul crushing and depressing.

Longed for baby, you are loved and missed

 

[LoraLoo]

I'm so very sorry hun, it's a devastating thing to go through. Ive too had 4 pregnancy losses (18,15,5, 5 weeks) plus our daughter died at 5 days.

You kind of just think why? Why me again?

Of course we are grateful of the children we have here, but it doesn't make the pain any less.

Thinking of you x

 

[DecemberWait]

Here were my tests...everything was so promising...it's just so hard.

I am glad I kept testing and knew right away.

 

[DecemberWait]

I'm so very sorry hun, it's a devastating thing to go through. Ive too had 4 pregnancy losses (18,15,5, 5 weeks) plus our daughter died at 5 days.

You kind of just think why? Why me again?

Of course we are grateful of the children we have here, but it doesn't make the pain any less.

Thinking of you x

I am extremely sorry for what you have been through. You are stronger than I am, I don't think I would be able to function if I had been through the same things you have. I really am so sorry...

 

[Trying4first1]

I feel your pain. I am going through my third MC and have no children. You just think why me and why again!
Life is so unfair it really is. I am now going to be referee for testing and me and DH have decided to stop trying until we have been investigated. Praying for rainbows for us both

 

[DecemberWait]

For me the worst part is actually people trying to be encouraging and I know they just want to help but saying "maybe it was a faulty test" (it wasn't, my numbers ARE dropping) or "maybe it was a twin loss" (I haven't bled yet so no)...trying to explain it away and give hope actually hurts more because it digs into my emotions and really plays on my thoughts. I know that sounds strange, but sometimes hearing "I am so sorry" is better than people trying to pretend it's ok.

 

[DecemberWait]

I feel your pain. I am going through my third MC and have no children. You just think why me and why again!
Life is so unfair it really is. I am now going to be referee for testing and me and DH have decided to stop trying until we have been investigated. Praying for rainbows for us both

I am so sorry. I had 3 miscarriages and my 4th pregnancy was my daughter so I truly hope your rainbow is right around the corner. I had done 3 Clomid cycles and then I gave up and my daughter was conceived the very next month. It's truly crushing. The depression, the desperation, the emptiness...they really are consuming feelings that no one can understand unless they have been there.

 

[Trying4first1]

I also had great tests and got a strong positive at 11dpo. Earliest ever! My HCG levels were great I was having MS. It all meant nothing. Missed MC diagnosed today at 9+3. I had so much hope and thought this was it. Bloods and tests mean nothing to me anymore. Neither do symtoms.

 

[LoraLoo]

For me the worst part is actually people trying to be encouraging and I know they just want to help but saying "maybe it was a faulty test" (it wasn't, my numbers ARE dropping) or "maybe it was a twin loss" (I haven't bled yet so no)...trying to explain it away and give hope actually hurts more because it digs into my emotions and really plays on my thoughts. I know that sounds strange, but sometimes hearing "I am so sorry" is better than people trying to pretend it's ok.

I get that. I knew last month that my tests were getting lighter, people kept telling me all tests have different dye etc. but I didn't want the optimism because I knew things were going wrong
It's so hard. I think people just try and keep your hopes up and don't know what to say sometimes.

Will the Dr be running any tests? X

 

[DecemberWait]

BTW for me it is "unexplained infertility" and the losses are considered to be unexplained as well. It's just hard I admit I got my hopes up my beta and progesterone were better this time than with my daughter and then it all went south.

 

[DecemberWait]

I also had great tests and got a strong positive at 11dpo. Earliest ever! My HCG levels were great I was having MS. It all meant nothing. Missed MC diagnosed today at 9+3. I had so much hope and thought this was it. Bloods and tests mean nothing to me anymore. Neither do symtoms.

I really don't feel there is a safe time anymore it's hard to get pregnant and not even feel very excited because you don't feel confident you will carry the baby beyond the first trimester. I really am so sorry you lost your baby, it's the worst feeling in the world.

 

[DecemberWait]

I get that. I knew last month that my tests were getting lighter, people kept telling me all tests have different dye etc. but I didn't want the optimism because I knew things were going right.
It's so hard. I think people just try and keep your hopes up and don't know what to say sometimes.

Will the Dr be running any tests? X

I am not really sure. If I don't miscarry naturally I might get a D&C and ask them to see if they can test the tissue.

 

[Trying4first1]

I feel your pain. I am going through my third MC and have no children. You just think why me and why again!
Life is so unfair it really is. I am now going to be referee for testing and me and DH have decided to stop trying until we have been investigated. Praying for rainbows for us both

I am so sorry. I had 3 miscarriages and my 4th pregnancy was my daughter so I truly hope your rainbow is right around the corner. I had done 3 Clomid cycles and then I gave up and my daughter was conceived the very next month. It's truly crushing. The depression, the desperation, the emptiness...they really are consuming feelings that no one can understand unless they have been there.

Your right. No one can understand and I find that people don't know what to say to me anymore.
It's amazing that you had your daughter after all your heartache. I just hope we can be helped. We can get pregnant (although it took us a while after my second loss) we just can't keep them. Really want to know why.....

 

[Trying4first1]

There is not a safe time at all. I dont know why but I had a feeling in the back of my mind the whole time wondering if we would have the same fate again. It's like we know.
I really hope you get your rainbow too and so sorry you are going through this. Life really does blow at times

 

[Trying4first1]

Ps a D&C would make it easier for them to yet the tissue. That's why I'm havin one. Plus I don't like the idea of medical management

 

[DecemberWait]

Ps a D&C would make it easier for them to yet the tissue. That's why I'm havin one. Plus I don't like the idea of medical management

I agree. I really hope you get answers. To be honest I also had a looming feeling of something being wrong from day one, I actually had bleeding before my missed period and thought it was my period, then got my first + then slowly the bleeding stopped but I think from the first moment something was just not right. I am so sorry about your little bean and I hope the D&C tells you more

 

[Trying4first1]

Weird how you knew too. Must be motherly instinct kicking in maybe!?
Thank you, me too. Let me know which route you decide to take.
I am seeing the gyne in 3 weeks time for my initial consultation. Very impressed with how soon it will be! Just want to try and get answers now

 

[DecemberWait]

Weird how you knew too. Must be motherly instinct kicking in maybe!?
Thank you, me too. Let me know which route you decide to take.
I am seeing the gyne in 3 weeks time for my initial consultation. Very impressed with how soon it will be! Just want to try and get answers now

Best of luck to you

I tested once more today and the test is almost completely negative so I hope I miscarry in full naturally soon so I can get this next cycle going, I feel "lucky" I knew right away that something was wrong before getting too invested. It's still horrible and depressing, but at least we can take the next steps to a successful (hopefully) pregnancy

 

[ReadynWaiting]

I'm sorry you are going through this! I am going through my 5th loss in a year and am so frustrated and upset it makes me want to scream. I have actually gone to my bedroom and screamed in to my pillow just to let it out. I told no one but Dh this time because I don't want to hear anything from anyone.
I totally get what you are saying about what people think is helping. Until someone goes through this you have no idea the pain and frustration that is involved.
The only thing that gives me any solace is educating myself so I can direct my care. I have lost all faith in drs and what they think they know. I go to see a specialist Thursday and hope he knows what he is talking about.
A great Site that I have learned a lot from is www.haveababy.com. Dr Sher is a RI in the US and has some pretty advanced knowledge on fertility issues that a lot of specialists don't recognize or know anything about.
Treat yourself kindly in these hardest of days 💞

 

[chistiana]

I am so sorry for your losses. I m not sure if I should be writing this cause I know not everything can be explained and i might be waaay waaay off but I will write this because I ve had 3 mcs myself and my doctor kept telling me it was bad luck..and it wasn't..they could have been avoided if people just did their jobs right..have you ever had a check to see of you might have a septate uterus? It's not easy to spot with a simple scan yet if you do have a septum and the baby implants near or on it then it won't get good blood flow. I too had my son without any problem (he implanted away from the septum) but my 3 angels didn't have the same luck.
Again I m very sorry if I m way off and know this is not what you need right now, a new thing to worry about, but I would have been so happy if my septum had been found and resected before my losses.
Hope 2016 gives you your rainbow. Hugs