5 months after, still struggling

[RAFMrs2]

Hi, I posted here a few months ago after having a miscarriage on 1st jan. I have since avoided the forum, as if thought maybe distancing myself from the issue would help. I was having trouble with vivid nightmares.

Here we are, 5 months since this happened, and last night I had the most graphic nightmare of my miscarriage, involving the tiny baby.

I thought I would be over this by now, but every day I feel profound loss of what could have been. I'd be 31 weeks now. I work with small children, and last week I broke down in tears at work, totally out the blue. I had to phone in sick the rest of the week, something unheard of.

Nappy adverts on TV make my throat constrict, and I catch myself silently crying, unaware what specifically set me off.

My husband has decided we shouldn't try again, and be thankful for our beautiful thriving 5 yr old girl. I am, obviously. But I feel a failure for not providing her with a sibling, that she will be alone in the world once husband and myself are deceased. We have no relatives.

Also I feel angry at husband for waiting 4 years to finally agree to try for a second baby, then after our failure, he says we should leave it. How dare he give me the hope of a second child to then backtrack. His reasons are sound, he is away quite frequently, as he was for the miscarriage, and he doesn't want me dealing with anything like that again ever on my own. That's fine, but I feel I've been robbed of the chance to make our daughters life a little easier in the future when we pass.

I went to the doctors 2 weeks ago, and her helpful advise was, go home, eat some chocolates and take time to reflect. Needless to say I didn't.

I don't mind if you don't reply, this post was more a way to get my true thoughts out of my head. I can't concentrate on anything today.
I just wondered if these feeling are normal after 5 months, so I'm back on the internet seeing what advise I can find seeing as my gp was uninterested. Thanks

 

[AnnieMac2]

I'm so sorry. I'm not sure if feeling like that at 5 months is "normal," but I can see myself there at 5 months as well. I'm about 3 months past learning it was not viable and, while I've improved, am still breaking down and crying. I had very disturbing nightmares too.

I wonder if your feelings are complicated by not feeling at peace about your husband's decision. It seems like that's added stress on top of the grief. Maybe you could talk more about it with him.

Would you consider talking to a therapist? I've been and it's helped a bit at times, though not substantially. But I'll take whatever I can get. I feel like you could use some more support to help you through each day and the work week. She could work with you on the grief, the conflict with your husband, and coping with the triggers at work.

I hope you find some support on this site as well. xo

 

[Cornfieldland]

I'm so sorry for your suffering. I just posted something similar. I was due July 12 and all I can think about as well is I should be 7months. I think it's getting harder as the due date comes closer, as I knew it would. My husband was undecided as well to try again. Finally in April things came to a head, and after a tearful intense conversation he decided that he did want a baby. Mostly he's scared of losing it again, and he's worried if we don't try I'll fall into a deep depression. It's so hard, especially if your husband and you don't see eye to eye.
Maybe you and your husband can have another talk. Im sure he's scared of not being there for you if something happens. And I can't believe your GP said to go eat chocolate! What a stupid thing to say! Im so sorry!
If you need a friend to talk to that understands Pm me anytime.