A rant: Women, let's be KIND to one another!

[JoHio]

I think it is vital as women to be KIND and supportive of one another.

This rant has been inspired by another thread, but I did not want to respond to it there since this is something I have thought about often, and don't want to come across as over-reacting to (admittedly) only one person's response.

Here it goes...

Becoming pregnant does not *PRESTO* make us infallible. We are still individuals, with strong impulses and desires and sometimes it is damned near impossible to fight them. Willpower is like any muscle - you can only exercise it so much before it gets tired. I'm married to an OB and I assure you, there is no such thing as perfect behavior when you're pregnant and no matter what we do, there is no way to guarantee any outcome. My hubby always tells me the best thing I can do is be a happy Mom.
Women who eat cold cuts, or have some wine or get their hands dirty in the garden are not bad people - they are human. Eating runny eggs does not mean you love your baby any less; it means that you are STILL an individual- and individual who is pregnant granted, but you still inhabit your own body and you have years and years and years of entrenched habits - many of which now we are told to automatically switch off, like pregnancy is some mythical state that makes us superhuman.

I think most pregnant women - myself included - do our very best to do what's best for our babies, and part does mean relaxing and enjoying our pregnancies. Not living in a Mommy culture of fear or God-like judgment.

I have many times sat through the whole "stay-at-home Mom" versus "working Mom" argument and it makes me similarly heartsick. I mean, really? We are all doing our best and we do what works for us, our family and our situation.


I'm sure many of you have seen or been subjected to Mommy judgement. I know I have - mostly in regards to my activity level during pregnancies. (I train pretty intensely throughout all my pregnancies). People have said the most horrid and ignorant things.


I think this forum has some of the kindest people out there - and I hope we can continue to spread the message. I guess that would make this "rant" more like a message of hope. Like preaching to the choir, since so many of you ladies are wonderful!

 

[OpheliaVY]

My general consensus is women suck. You can take a lighthearted thread - like the one you were referring to - and all the women will be getting along, not judging and then BAM! That one woman pops in on her perfect high horse to cause an argument or make some silly judgement, completley changing the tone of the thread.

There's always one it seems. I agree though, this is a great forum for support. I won't let it be ruined by a select few.

I've also been judged for what I do during pregnancy. I just tell everyone that pregnancy isn't a disability and I know how far I can push myself and when to rest etc.. The constant unsolicited opinions drive me nuts and I literally roll my eyes in an exaggerated manner.

 

[Jes.shortcake]

It's like some women make everything a competition..who had the most perfect pregnancy, who didn't get an epidural, who gets the least sleep...whatever.

Sometimes I just think..please shut up

 

[paintrider89]

Don't have anything else to add honestly, except I could not agree more. Live and be human, and if you don't like that someone is doing just that, please don't ruin a fun, light hearted discussion with your 'Debbie downer' openions. Just disagree in your head and find a post that you do agree/can have a comfortable conversation about.

 

[Krissykat1006]

Agreed. I would like to say I'm shocked at how mean some women can get around here. I've had to defend myself before and its just exhausting. I think everyone knows their own bodies well enough to know what they can and can't do while pregnant. I still eat lunch meats when I feel like it and drink a cup of coffee a day. Doesn't make me an unfit mother, just means I'm human. Unless my Doctor tells me not to do something I'm not going to quit.

 

[HBGirl]

I think too many people spend too much time preoccupied by what others do. Honestly, I don't care what you do in your pregnancy and would prefer the same curtiousy is extended to me.

 

[Starry Night]

It only gets worse after the baby is born. I'm not even entering the Baby Forums once baby is here. The vast majority of threads are fine and helpful but there is always that one person who throws out the "abuse" word about the most benign topic (BF vs FF or the CIO theory) and all hell breaks out. I just stay away. Too many hormones and sleepless nights. LOL And this place is tame compared to a Facebook group I used to belong to. I discontinued my membership when I saw ladies threatening to call social services on each other over simple disagreements. And Facebook uses your real name so that terrified me. People are ready to destroy each other's families over stupid mommy wars.

Pregnancy is definitely the time to decide to not get involved. The vast majority of mommies love their babies to pieces and want to instill good values and keep them healthy. When you keep that assumption in mind, the rest just seems like details. Yes, I disagree with many things I read here, but I know to keep most of my opinions to myself because it doesn't really matter in the end. Though those dang hormones! They do get in the way too. I have had to send apologetic PMs. So embarassing. ha ha

 

[Sarah lo]

Well said xx

 

[wookie130]

You know, for all of the anti-bullying messages available to school-aged children these days, you can really tell by the internet that these messages truly bypassed our generation...and it is really apparent in "the mommy wars."

Women bullying each other over breastfeeding vs. formula feeding, birthing with pain relief vs. natural childbirth vs. c-sections, blah blabbity blahhhhhhhhhhh. Apparently you're a great mom, if you do a, b, c, and d, but not, x, y and z.

It's tiresome at best, and quite harmful at it's worst.

We all deserve and need support, no matter what choices we make.

 

[OnjNairne]

I couldn't agree more. We are human. Pregnant human, but flawed just the same. We are not going to gestate perfectly, just as we are not going to parent perfectly. But it's not because we don't love our children as much as the next person, we just have to be ok with ourselves too, or what flippin good are we? So if that means a cup of coffee everyday when someone else is sipping hot lemon water, so be it. If it means running around like a crazy person at 9 months pregnant, while someone else has her feet up, and her pillows adjusted just so, that's ok too. And I tried to give up runny eggs. I swear I did. But after 2 pregnancies where eggs made me throw up, they are just sooooo good!!!

 

[wookie130]

Pregnancy certainly does NOT mean having to live in a bubble, that's for sure!

 

[wamommy]

There is an awesome quote by Plato that says,

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

I try to remember that sometimes the meanest comments come from the most unhappy people, and we all struggle at times with life in general. All I can control is my own behavior and my own kindness toward others. As tough as it is, I try not to be affected by others' negativity.

There are SO MANY kind women here. As for the threads where meanness pops in, I close them and move on. Life is too short to get sucked into petty internet arguments. I have enough real-life crap to deal with, honestly!!

 

[JoHio]

Thanks so much for these lovely responses, ladies!

 

[fxmummyduck]

Can you spread the word in baby club...my oh my...

 

[BigAl]

Can you spread the word in baby club...my oh my...

Ha, I'm never going back there! I'm very happy in the toddler section. Will just have to put down the bnb until I can move straight there.

 

[Buggzxxx]

Here here! Im so sick of reading threads where one overly opinionated person just has to have a go! Debates are good but sometimes I wonder if people just take an opposing view to certain posts just for the sake of it. If I disagree with something, I ignore the post. The OP doesnt want my judgement, they want advice, or a light hearted distraction maybe. Not for me to come along and tell them I dont like what they say! I dont know which other post is being referred to but I see these things all the time. There was an especially disgusting one over in third tri a couple of days ago where one member made another feel so bad they were asking how to just delete their thread

Oh and I ate a runny egg butty today... Do I feel bad? Nope that was the best damn butty I've had in months x

 

[Starry Night]

Mmmm...eggs...it's been so long. I used to love fried eggs "easy over". I don't like them too runny....but this baby doesn't like eggs. I get sick every time.

On forums I think people sometimes jump the gun as they only see one aspect of a person's parenting at a time and then assume the person is a shoddy parent because they do one thing differently than they do or have made a genuine mistake. No parent is perfect and we're going to mess up from time to time. We just are. But that doesn't take away all the times we get it right or that we love our kids.

It's also easy to pretend we're perfect and always stick to our own ideals when we're online too. "Oh, I'm always 100% attentive to my child even when morning sickness has my head down a toilet". lol