After mc, when you want to ttc and oh doesnt :/

[A132429]

Im not really sure what section to post this in but I thought this would be the best because people in here might understand more.. ( admin feel free to move it if its the wrong place_)
I had a mmc in July and want to get pregnant again asap.A close family member is due a week after i should have been and another family member due a week before i should have been.I feel like being pregnant again will make me feel better and it wont be so hard when February comes around and everybody else is having their babies.However my OH has now said hes not soo sure thats what he want right now.I am absolutely heartbroken and dont know what to do..He would probbaly be happy waiting a few years whereas I really want a small age gap between my babys and even if I got pregnant now it would be a 26/27mth age gap which I would have preferred it smaller.Basically I really really dont want to wait so what am I supposed to do ??
Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this and answer me

 

[skyesmom]

i don't know how to help you solve the issue with you OH regarding this, but it sucks... it simply sucks. i have to say that waiting to try after a loss is among the hardest things to go through. it took me over a year to stop thinking of every lost cycle as of something that was missed out on and thrown away...

...on the other note, what helped me through waiting and also made me wait was the fact that when i was in the worst acute phase of pain in the first couple of months after the mc and before the due date came up, i was aware of how bad i was psychologically. i was a depressed wreck literally craving for my baby for a long long while, and i was afraid that if i conceived in that state, without truly processing the loss and going through all the dreaded dates with already a new baby in me, that it would pull me down and make me a worse mother in the long run. i was afraid of somehow reflecting my unresolved issues on my new LO, which is also one of the reasons why we postponed ttc at the beginning...

...i felt i needed to heal and grieve first.. but still the wait is no easier because of that. it was and is among the hardest thing i've ever been through

 

[AC1987]

what a tough situation, I found after I had my mc.. it was very very early.. my DH couldn't bring himself to finish(come?) whenever he knew I was ovulating.. like I think it was nerves, and he took it a lot harder then he let on as well.

 

[celine]

what a tough situation, I found after I had my mc.. it was very very early.. my DH couldn't bring himself to finish(come?) whenever he knew I was ovulating.. like I think it was nerves, and he took it a lot harder then he let on as well.

My hubby too, which is why it was a miracle when we conceived 3 weeks after the first mc, now we have mc-ed that lregnancy i doubt he will be able to with all the grief.

 

[Celesse]

My husband is much less enthusiastic about another baby than before. I think he's scared. He's watched me go through a c-section and recovery with my first, bleed heavily and then become very ill 2weeks pp with my second, watch our second be readmitted to hospital very ill..... and now watch me bleed and bleed and need emergency surgery with the miscarriage. Not great things to watch your partner go through and all "caused" by getting me pregnant.

Have you guys sat down and talked about it? Why did he want a baby when he got you pregnant with the miscarriage and now no longer wants a baby?

 

[skyesmom]

men generally don't like to have the things out of control, or feel helpless.. no one does.. and a thing like mc blows these feelings right into their face: they can't help their partners, they feel responsible for getting us into this situation first (because a part from the baby, they see us and our bodies go through a physical hell and in their heads it's their own fault, getting you pregnant in the first place, and there is nothing they can do about it)...

...and it puts them off... but i believe the only way out of it is communication, talking about it in a non aggressive way, trying to understand each other. it is also possible he won't open up about his real feelings at first and it will take time for him to admit he's scared/hurt... men are pressed to be the tough ones and support their partners and be strong for them, but they can't allow themselves to be both sensitive and cry and express their emotions, and hold on tough at the same time. that's women's business.

 

[A132429]

He has said that he only agreed to TTC the first time round to make me happy and that he wasnt sure but now hes realised th\at he definetly doesnt want on in the near future, were trying to work on a compromise atm but its so so hard

 

[Sarahlouise06]

My husband is the same, I'm currently going through a m/c with what would of been our 5th baby, hubby sees it as a sign that its time to stop and is talking about one of us getting sterilised as he couldn't cope with watching me go through this again, I know he's only thinking of me and he cant understand why i would want to go through it again,but its hard to see things from his point of view, but id obviously need his support to agree to another anyway Maybe giving your hubby some time might help as men don't always show their true feelings.
Sarah x

 

[skyesmom]

it sounds like both of your OH can't cope with the situation and it is just too overwhelming for them now. they feel responsible for your pain and your suffering because in their heads, THEY made you pregnant, THEY put you in that situation and it is THEIR fault.
especially telling that he agreed on it for the first time just to make you happy sounds like washing his hands clean meaning trying to escape this overwhelming responsibility. NOT because he's irresponsible and doesn't wanna take care of you or the baby; it is just because after the loss he sees the decision to conceive a child not like the responsibility of being a father, after the loss he sees it like a direct responsibility for harming YOU.

it takes a while for this to settle again in the right place in their heads, i've seen people in the mc support session in the same situations and most of those resilient OHs came around after a month or two.

i wish you all the best!!